Friday humour - January 24, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

       Gidday,
    And a big thanks to Davo for carrying the flag over the past few weeks.
    I'm on slightly extended hols at the moment (lots of concreting and other
    fun jobs ... in some ways, I can't wait to get back to good old air-con
    "work" :-)

    On a slightly sadder note, one of our humourites (Keith, a recently
    retired CSIRO scientist colleague of ours from DMP at Port Melbourne)
    got bashed up near his home in Albert Park about a week ago.  I think
    he's still in hospital (Eric Frazer has his finger on this if you want
    more info).  Anyway, to Keith - a full recovery soon, please ... we need
    your company at the Friday Wellies session at the start of February!

    Okay - to humour, and as the US builds up its forces around Iraq, this
    song as posted via our list in the Ol' West seems appropriate ...
                          ----------------------------

           [Sung to the tune of "If you're happy and you know it"]

     If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
     If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
     If the terrorists are frisky,
     Pakistan is looking shifty,
     North Korea is too risky,
     Bomb Iraq.

     If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
     If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
     So to hell with the inspections,
     Let's look tough for the elections,
     Close your mind and take directions,
     Bomb Iraq.

     It's pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq.
     To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
     They've got weapons we can't see,
     And that's all the proof we need,
     If they're not there, they must be there,
     Bomb Iraq.

     If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
     If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
     If you think Saddam's gone mad,
     With the weapons that he had,
     And he tried to kill your dad,
     Bomb Iraq.

     If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
     If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
     If your politics are sleazy,
     And hiding that ain't easy,
     And your manhood's getting queasy,
     Bomb Iraq.

     Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
     For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
     Disagree?  We'll call it treason,
     Let's make war not love this season,
     Even if we have no reason,
     Bomb Iraq.

                          ----====#===#===#====----


Little Johnny was in his Kindergarten class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.  All the typical answers came
up - fireman, policeman, salesman.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and the teacher asked him about
his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring in
and took little Johnny aside to ask, "Is that really true about your father
working in a gay strip club?"

"No," said Johnny, "He really plays test cricket for England but I was too
embarrassed to say."
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       And from the malt factory (John K at CUB), we have this collection:
                          ----------------------------


                                   LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting
yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.  I don't see what the
problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

                                   QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a
recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"


                          ----====#===#===#====----


A travelling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus
banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan."

Curious, he buys a ticket.

The tent goes dark.  Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the
centre ring.

There, spotlit in the centre ring is a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy.  Suddenly the old man unzips
his pants, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three
mighty swings!  The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried
off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded
sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan."

He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act!
So he buys a ticket!

Again, the centre ring is illuminated.  This time, instead of walnuts, three
coconuts are placed on the table.  The Texan stands before them, then suddenly
unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd goes wild!  Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him
after the show.

"You're incredible," he tells the Texan. "But I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," says the Texan: "My eyes ain't what they used to be."


                          ----====#===#===#====----


  (This one was also passed on by Linda Ottery)

  ABC Sydney Radio held a competition to finish the sentence:
  "It's so dry that ..."   Here are some of the responses:

  It's so dry that:

HIH Insurance has come out of liquidation.

Gough is no longer alone as he strolls across the harbour.

If the England cricket team wasn't touring we'd never see ducks.

The Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.

We're actually drinking the new Vanilla Coke

You're only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.

The Government has introduced a water pistol buyback scheme.

Thieves are siphoning off radiators instead of petrol tanks.

I'm encouraging the kids to wee in the pool.

Jesus has turned the wine into water

We are having to hand feed the rocking horse.

Philip Ruddock says that when the boat people threw their children overboard
it was so they could walk to Australia.

Everyone is now an expert - because you can't find anyone who is wet behind
the ears.

All the bottom of the harbour tax schemes are re-surfacing.

I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

All the Baptists have become Anglicans.

When my daughter fainted, it took three buckets of sand to bring her around.

I've sent my indoor plants out on agistment.

All the dogs are marking their territory with chalk.

Some of the 4WDs in Double Bay have actually got dust on them.


                          ----====#===#===#====----


A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears.  "Promise me
you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.  When I was eight, you
hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.  If you're going to tell me
that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


   To a few pics now, starting with this collection from up North (QCAT):

Any left, Dad?  Click here
Where are we?  Click here
Body language:  Click here
Never too old (?) Click here
Ate the mouse  Click here

  Forget who sent these, so ... from anon:

Okay R, that's it: Click here
Don't touch:  Click here
Teach our children:  Click here
Speed?  Click here
So watch out!  Click here

  From Maddus Mickus (UK cousin of Dave Rand), this collection of signs, etc:

Sign #1  Click here
Sign #2  Click here
Sign #3  Click here
Sign #4  Click here
Sign #5  Click here
Sign #6  Click here
Sign #7  Click here
Sign #8  Click here
   and
Over excited:  Click here

  From Darnell (Solucient):

A big swallow:  Click here

  From Dave McCallum:

So that's why!  Click here

  And from Lisa the Thomas:

Hot snow: Click here
The good dope: Click here
Err ... Click here
Which house?  Click here
Whoops ... Click here
Everything's down Click here
Latest message pad: Click here

  Finally (for the pics), some Don Martin (my favourite comic from Mad Mag):

Last wish: Click here
Exerciser: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


   Finishing off now with some more ASCII stuff, here's some more from QCAT:
                          ----------------------------

                                 ANY TAKERS?

Tickets for Bee Gees "Staying Alive" Tour, 2003.   One third off.

                          ----====#===#===#====----


                               BENEFITS OF SEX

Do you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually
active or not?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment.  Scientific tests find that when women make
love they produce amounts of the hormone oestrogen, which makes hair shine
and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis,
skin rashes and blemishes.  The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes
your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic
dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up.  It stretches and tones
up just about every muscle in the body.  It's more enjoyable than swimming 20
laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression.  It releases endorphins into
the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a
feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered.  The sexually active
body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.  These
subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilliser in the world.  IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away.  Kissing encourages saliva to
wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay,
preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches.  A lovemaking session can release the
tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose.  Sex is a natural
antihistamine.  It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Something else from Maddus Mickus Rand (cous of Dave), who
      writes: " Hi guys, you have probably heard PART 1 before but
      PARTS 2 and 3 are new."
                          ----------------------------

                                   PART ONE

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop.  Right away they go over to the bird section.

Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem"

The assistant comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere" says Gerry,
"Put dem in a "peeper bag"

The assistant does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and
stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place.  Eh?" says Gerry.

He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and
jumps off the cliff.  Paddy watches as his mate runs straight
down and drops off the edge and goes for a few seconds, then 'SPLAT'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says "Fock
that dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."


                                   PART TWO

A minute later, Seamus arrives.  He too has been to the pet shop and he walks
up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.

He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other
hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi Paddy, watch dis,"  Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of
the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun blows the parrot's
head off.

Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's
remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting
nider."


                                  PART THREE

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up, he too has been
to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.

Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself
off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - " Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit
his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now you fockin hengliding".
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Then there was this one from "Mark & Cathryn", who wrote:
      "Hi Friday Humour, I regularly receive you humour from a friend
      at CSIRO and it always makes me laugh!

         Mark

           The Noarlunga Man"
                          ----------------------------

                                   A HARD LIFE

When I was a kid, adults used to bore us to tears with their tedious diatribes
about how hard things were when they were growing up: what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year
round storms carrying their younger sibling on their backs to their one-room
schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time
after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an
hour just to help keep their family from starving to death...

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell
I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had
it and how easy they've got it!

But....

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so fuckin' easy!!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live
in a goddamned Utopia!  And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't
know how good you got it!!  I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the
Internet-we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look
it up ourselves!  And there was no e-mail!  We had to actually write somebody
a letter with a pen!-and then you had to walk all the way across the street
and put it in the fuckin' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters!  You wanted to steal music, you had to go
to the record store and shoplift it yourself!!  Or we had to wait around all
day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning
and fuck it all up!!

You want to hear about hardship?

You couldn't just download porn!!  You had to bribe some homeless dude to
buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11!  OR was either that or jackoff
to the lingerie section of the Woolsworth catalog!

Those were your options!!

We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and
somebody else called they got a busy signal!!  And we didn't have fancy caller
ID boxes either! when the phone rang, you had no idea who it was, it
could be your boss, your mum, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you
didn't know!!!  You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!!

and we didn't have any fancy Sony Play Station video games with high-resolution
3-D graphics!!  We had the Atari 2600!!  With games like "Space Invaders" and
"Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass!!  Your guy was a little square!  You
had to use your imagination!  And there were no multiple levels or screens,
it was just one screen forever! and you could never win, the game just kept
getting harder and faster until you die!!

Just like LIFE!!!!

When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium
seating!  All the seats were the same height!  If a tall guy sat in front of
you, you were fucked!!  And sure we had television, but back then that was no
cable with buckets of channels and there was no onscreen menu!!  You had to
use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!!

And there was no Cartoon Network!!  You could only get cartoons on Saturday
morning....  D'ya hear what the fuck I'm saying!?!  We had to wait ALL WEEK,
you spoiled little bastards!!

That's exactly what I'm talking about!!  You kids today have got it too
easy!!  You're spoiled, I swear to God!  You guys wouldn't last five minutes
back in 1987!!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And finally, from someone at "Castle Hill Books" in the ol' UK, this
       slight variation on an old-ish one:
                          ----------------------------


                        WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!

But, please . . . read to the end . . . it's important!

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY.  Do not open
it.  Apparently this one is pretty nasty.  It will not only erase everything
on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet
of your computer.

It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.  It reprograms your
ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your video and uses subspace field
harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.  It will program your phone
auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.  This virus will mix antifreeze into your
fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL your beer.  FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??  It will
leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.  If the
"Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the
toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a
full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows,
it will also refill your Skimmed milk with whole milk.

******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so
hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,
sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.  Send to everyone!

  ( And finally, if you are a blonde ... this is a joke )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



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