Friday humour - January 17, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:


     G'day and Yo!

   Welcome to 2003 edition #2.  Keep sending your stuff in to:

   contribute~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au

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   First up this week from KeroSteve:

                               Plane Chat

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. One guy says to
the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off
his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big
patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to
discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

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   A QCAT quickie ...

                        * Important Notice *

All K-Mart, Wal-Mart and Big W stores in Iraq will be permanently closed.

They will be replaced with Targets.

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   From Sister Carol - God bless her

                            Little Johnny

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and
he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to
his mother, who became rather flustered.

Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he
did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing
and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick because her face started
looking funny.

He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as
the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold
because he put it under her skirt.

About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around
and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started.
I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten
inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there,
about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it
from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth
fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said
it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down
at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All
of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a
muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from
biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and
he helped by lying on top of the eel.

The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and
her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed
the eel.

I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging
out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went
back to courting anyway.

He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It
jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats --
they have nine lives or something.

This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a
35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because
I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

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   This weeks pics are from Golden Boy, Biggus, Little Di, KeroSteve, Oregon
   Steve, and you know who you are ...

Boxing Day Click here

Welcome to New England Click here

Wheel of Fortune Click here

Seen in shops Click here

The Queen in Oz (M$ Word doc file - sorry about that): Click here

From a Herald Sun reader Click here

Game on! Click here

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  Back to ASCII now with some musings and a quickie from Trina

                                 Musings

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

1. Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've
   discovered:  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
    bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play
    chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . I go
    somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!

20. Funny, I don't remember being . . . absent minded...

Now I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10, oh send it to
a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is
supposed to happen, I think. Maybe you get your memory back.

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                                THE ROPE

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
Ten were men and one woman. The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed
that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would break
and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman gave a really touching
speech saying how she would give up her life to save theirs because women were
used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men,
and that after all, men were the superior sex and must be saved.

When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

Never underestimate the power of a woman.

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      Quotes of the Week:

     "I'm absolutely convinced this issue will be solved in a peaceful way."
                                     George W Bush - on North Korea


     "He must disarm.  I'm sick and tired of games and deception."

                                     George W Bush - on Iraq


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[ End Fri humour ]


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