Friday humour - January 10, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:


G'day, Yo, and Happy New Year!  Click here

This is the first edition of the year and like the newspapers here at the mo
is much thinner than usual.

Friday Humour should revert back to its normal size when we get some more
decent contributions ... and the Bluehaze office is fully staffed.

At least we're still live and local ... and haven't resorted to networking
anything from Sydney!

For Christmas, Wellington Ben received some x-ray magnifying glasses.  If
nudity offends, don't open this page!  Then again, if nudity offends - what
the hell are you doing here ... Hmmmm???

  Click here


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   This from our Rosalie:

            Strange tales from the pages of The Age, 2002

[In the general hurly-burly of modern life, it is all but impossible to
escape from the news now even beamed to your mobile phone. And with such a
news overload even the most dedicated information junkie has to switch off
at some time. But that can mean missing a host of stories that do not
command the same sort of attention as the build-up to possible war in Iraq
or the latest suicide bombings in the Middle East, say, namely the modest
human interest tales which in their way offer every bit as much of an
insight into human nature as do the public proclamations of politicians.
Here, then, is a selection of some of those "offbeat" stories which may have
been overshadowed by more weightier news items in the year 2002]

LONDON - Londoners confidently tell you that their city is now the
restaurant capital of the world - and now it has got an eatery with a
difference. Called "Edible", it is the brainchild of Louisiana-trained chef
Todd Dalton and the menu offers a rich variety of bugs, ants, worms and
hornets, not to mention sweet-and-sour crocodile or piranha and chips. For
the discerning vegetarian palate there is also stinging nettle cocktail and
rose and geranium salad. Dalton, whose own favourite snack is cobra, said
the restaurant was aimed at "the adventurous and trendy -- people who are
not afraid to try out new things".

JERUSALEM - In an attempt to produce real fast food, Israeli scientists are
close to perfecting a new breed of featherless chicken, which will allow
farmers to produce birds faster and cut down on the processing of carcasses.
Scientists hope the new breed will grow faster, suffer less from the heat,
will be less fatty and will obviously not have to be plucked after being
killed.

THE HAGUE - A Dutch company is marketing a vibrator for pigs to ensure
that sows enjoy being artificially inseminated. The vibrations cause the
sows to get sexually aroused "in no time" and that is beneficial for the
insemination, a company spokeswoman said.

OSLO - Far from the astronomic sums paid for footballers of the calibre of
Zinnedine Zidane, Luis Figo and Ronaldo, Norwegian third division club
Vindbjart parted with their star striker for his weight in fresh shrimps.
Kenneth Kristensen, 23, fetched 75 kilos of the crustaceans to sign for
rivals Floey. "Kenneth really wanted to play for Floey and we didn't want to
cause him any problems," said Vindbjart club president Vidar Ulstein. "But
he is under contract with us, so we had to demand some kind of
compensation."

KATHMANDU - Some 200 women farmers in southwestern Nepal ploughed their
fields naked in the hope of bringing much-needed rain to the region. The
women locked the gates and shut the windows of their houses with their
husbands inside, and then bared all as they tilled the fields in a ritual to
appease the Hindu god of rain Indra. Whether by divine intervention or not,
the monsoon began shortly afterwards.

BEIJING - China is to show captive adolescent pandas videos of other pandas
mating as part of a "sex education" plan to rouse the famously reluctant
animals into reproducing. Male pandas are being shown the X-rated films
every morning and evening at the China Giant Panda Breeding and Research
Centre in Wolong in a bid to spur the captive animals of the desperately
rare species into action. "We won't use drugs, such as Viagra, to help giant
pandas increase their sexual desire and capacity. We believe this can be
achieved through sex education and physical exercise," said the centre's
spokesman Zhang Guiquan. More than 60 per cent of male pandas in zoos or
sanctuaries exhibit no sexual desire at all and so the vast majority of
panda births in captivity are the result of artificial insemination.

LAGOS - A Nigerian man who could not cope with an abnormally persistent
erection decided to try a folk cure and ate a woman's stewed intestines
after killing her. Folorunso Olukotun, 50, led police to his victim's
disemboweled body in the bush near his home village in southwest Nigeria.
"According to the man's story, his private organ always has an erection and
it doesn't go down," police spokesman Oluwole Ayodeji told AFP. "Someone
advised him to kill a woman and eat her intestines." But he could not say
whether the desperate remedy had done the trick.

BUDAPEST - A Hungarian couple have given new meaning to the idea of
wife-swapping as they both underwent sex-change operations so that in a
bizarre case of role reversal the husband became the wife and vice versa.
But when news of the operations leaked out, patients in the women's ward
at the clinic in the southern city of Szeged staged a riot and the
"female" half of the couple had to be movedto the men's quarters.

JERUSALEM - An Israeli businessman suffered a heart attack when he summoned
a call-girl for company to his hotel room and opened the door to find his
daughter standing there. But worse was to follow for once the 48-year-old
was out of hospital and back home, he confessed the traumatic experience to
his wife, who, while promising to get their daughter back on the straight
and narrow, promptly demanded a divorce from her errant husband.

MIAMI - A paraplegic sued a Florida strip club, claiming it had no
handicapped access to areas in which lap dances are performed and that the
stage where the strippers gyrate was too high for him to get a good view of
the action from his wheelchair. Edward Law, a quadriplegic, filed a lawsuit
against the West Palm Beach club for failing to comply with standards laid
out under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA.) But Republican lawmaker
Mark Foley failed to see the funny side of the suit. "How low can they go?"
he said.

THE HAGUE - A cat trapped in a mosque after Friday prayers in the Dutch town
of Sneek alerted the whole town to its plight by meowing over the sound
system normally used to call the faithful to prayer, having managed to turn
on the system. The animal's owner, recognising his pet's meow, alerted the
police but the cat was not freed until a key to the mosque was found 24
hours later.

LAGOS - The Nigerian police force are apparently not renowned for their
honesty so when a police inspector returned $US8,000 ($A14,172) in excess
pay he was branded a national hero. Inspector Ayuba Waknung returned the
money to a bank in Abuja when he discovered that he had been overpaid when
withdrawing some cash to pay officers' salaries in Abuja. The inspector's
gesture was thought unusual enough to warrant the release of a press
statement to celebrate it, a sign of the low esteem Nigerians have for their
security forces.

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Hey - more pics please!!!


Belated wishes Click here

Hot sex Click here

When we grow old Click here

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   Quote of the Week:

      As many as 500,000 people in Iraq could require medical
      treatment for serious injuries if the United States and
      its allies launch a war there.

             - from the UN Report 'Likely Humanitarian Scenarios'

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   Summer Editor's comment:

It would seem to me, and I expect every other Christian or humanitarian on
this subscription list, that we would find the life of an Iraqi equal to
any other human life.  Besides the 'Butcher of Bhagdad' and his entourage
it would seem that these people are innocent normal human beings trying to
live a satisfying life in awful conditions.  Why should they be Washington's
local butcher's cannon fodder or collateral damage (take your pick).  The US
has more WOMD (weapons of mass destruction) than anyone else - and, unlike
others, has historically used them.

If the US was really worried about WOMD it would be more worried about North
Korea (yes - known as PDRK "Peoples' Democratic Republic of Korea").  But the
US tries to tell us that they'll sort this out with detente.  Of course -
North Korea doesn't have oil.

Maybe it's a coincidence - but the country with the most oil is Saudi Arabia.
And the US has already installed a 'friendly' government there.  So friendly
that the Saudi people have come to hate their own government and America (and
all associated with it).  Then came Sept 11 - perpertrated NOT by Afghans or
Iraqis ... but Saudi Arabians.

Maybe we should all let the UN do what it's supposed to do - maintain world
peace.

To those in the UK and Australia maybe we should try a bit harder to convince
our PMs that war is not the answer!

To those on our list from NZ and Canada - feel proud!

To those in the US - may God help you.  Stop sending us the jokes.  Send a
serious message to your little Boy George ...

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[ End Friday humour ]



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