Friday humour - December 20, 2002

     From Davo at bluehaze:

Ho Ho Ho and Yo! Christmas time is nearly here and all is well with the world - well maybe not - but it is the season to be jolly. I expect this will be the last Friday Humour for this year so may Tony myself and all the little munchkins at Bluehaze wish you a Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year. --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- First up this week - an oldie from Guru Ron ... THOUGHTS ON SANTA There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second -- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run at 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500,000 tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m. p. s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas. --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- These from Electronics wiz Peter who says: "Here's a couple of items for your consideration for Friday Humour. They're probably more clever than funny, so don't feel obliged to use them. The first one is from the guy who runs the Parkes Telescope visitor centre. He insisted on sending it with a disclaimer of sorts, because he was worried about it being taken the wrong way." The meaning of CSIRO Hi Jon, Peter This is the paragraph that I wrote in 1988. So much acrimony had been already written about the changing nature of CSIRO, that I thought a light hearted one would be appreciated - but in the end it seemed more prudent not to submit it. Bad press of recent years suggested that our scientists loftily thought they belonged to the Commonwealth Scientific and Interesting Research Organisation. After the McKinsey review, Careful Scrutiny Isolated the Real Offenders. Now Cash Security Involves Reluctant Outsiders, as Chiefs Seek Invigorated Resources Over and above the appropriations budget. This and the unfortunate perception of a Completely Stuffed and Irreversibly Restructured Organisation has lead to low morale. In the good ol' days, Competent Scientists Investigated the Rational Order of Nature, knowing full well that Classic Serendipity Increased Research Output. --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- Peter again: "The second one was passed on by a programmer friend who was recently coerced into signing a fairly restrictive contractor agreement." POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS MESSAGE >From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2003, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:- This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal. This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged. This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes. This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor. This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged. This greeting is made under English Law. --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- This submitted from Mad Mick of Marwick (cousin of the Battery King) ANOTHER LIST The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Coca-Cola was originally green. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. Men can read smaller print than women, women can hear better. The average number of people airborne over the US in any given hour is 61,000. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. The youngest pope was 11 years old. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great King from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander the Great, Diamonds- Julius Caesar. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =12,345,678,987,654,321. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- This came in from Wellington Ben. It's an actual post to a computer newsgroup that he's on. WATER COOLING Kramer and other members promoting water cooling- you have alot to answer I decided this weekend to try and quieten my PC by following some other members lead and going down the water cooling road. The fans on my PC were really starting to drive me mad The first thing that I did was to remove all the fans. The one on the processor and graphics card were no problem but the one in the power unit was a bugger to get out. The most difficult part was sealing all the ventilitation openings in the PC case with silicon. I also put silicon all around the joints on the PC case. The smell of silicon was dreadful but when my wife complained I told her to be patent as it will be worth it when we have a completely silent PC. Because I had completely sealed the PC case the only opening near top was the DVD drive. So I opened that and put the small hose I had purchased specially for the job into the DVD drive as far as it would go. With what I can only describe as great excitement and anticipation, I turned on the water. It really is amazing just how long it took before the case was complete full, and boy was it heavy. That didn't really bother me as I didn't intend to be moving the PC anyway. The big moment had arrived so I called in my wife and mother in law (who was visiting) and I announced "prepare to hear nothing!" and flicked the switch on the socket on the wall. Before I could even press the power button on front of the PC, with a loud bang, the whole place was plunged into darkness I knew that it was only the tripswitch so I told my onlookers not to panic and I ran out to the hall to turn the trip switch back on. But can u believe it, it wouldn't stay on. After five attempts I decided to try unplugging the PC and would you believe... yes the trip switch stayed on. My conclusion: the PC must have in some way been causing the problem. After about an hour of tries I finally decided to abandon the whole idea of water cooling and emptied the water out of the PC, put back in the fans (except the fan in the power unit, I had broken that one getting it out) and tried the pc AGAIN. IT STILL CAUSED THE TRIP SWTICH TO BLOW! My PC is completely shagged thanks to stupid suggestions that I got on this forum. What the hell am I going to do now. I spent two hours last night with a hair drier inside the PC case and it still trips the switch. Any suggestions greatly appreciated Conor [some responses were] This is a joke, yeah ? You should have used ice-cream. If this isn't a joke then I think someone has seriously got their wires crossed on how to water-cool a PC. Arrrggghhhh, stop it. I'm about to wet myself. Is it April 1st already? Well I'm not laughing and neither would you if the PC that u spent almost a full year putting together was wrecked - Conor [It turns out that Conor's original post was indeed a hoax.] --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- A sunny QCAT selection ARSEICONS We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons", where: ) means a smile and :( is a frown. Well, how about some "arseicons"? Here goes: (_!_) a regular arse (__!__) a fat arse (!) a tight arse (_*_) a sore arse {_!_} a swishy arse (_o_) an arse that's been around (_x_) kiss my arse (_X_) leave my arse alone (_zzz_) a tired arse (_E=mc2_) a smart arse (_$_) Money coming out of his arse (_?_) Dumb arse --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- GOLF I'm not really into golf, but some you just can't pass up... A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother superior "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- INCENTIVATION One day a 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and wound down its window. "I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" said the driver. "No way, get stuffed!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of lollies and 10 bucks" the driver asked. "I said no way" replied the boy. "What about a bag of lollies and 50 bucks?" asked the driver. "No, I'm not getting in the car." answered the boy. "Okay, I'll give you a bag of lollies and $100" the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the bloody Volvo, you live with it!" --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- 10 REASONS WHY GOD CREATED EVE 10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions. 9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.) 8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment. 7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage. 5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth. 4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools. 3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault. 2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone." 1. God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that." --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- An oldie but goodie from British Knickers NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. Scientists at the Canadian Research Facility built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airline and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to test the strength of the windshields by simulating frequent collisions with airborne fowl. NASA engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the NASA engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Americans sent the Canadian Research Facility the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the Canadian scientists for suggestions. The Canadian Research Facility responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken" --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- >From Kero Steve MORE CARLTON FOOTY CLUB JOKES Eddie McGuire has offered to help Carlton raise the money, by offering the new Carlton administration a single episode of 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I have managed to get a sneak look at the questions ... You are in the Carlton Social Club & you look under the table. What do you find? (A) Torn up Carlton Membership cards. (B) Tony Shaw's old set play book with a cross through every page & Wayne Brittain's handwriting. (C) A brown paper bag with wads of cash & SOS written on it. (D) Brendon Fevola. You receive an urgent phone call late at night from one of your players. Do you ... (A) Tell Camporeale to sleep with the light on if he's scared. (B) Explain to David Allison that Matty Allan has re-signed & it's no good still threatening the club. (C) Tell Lance Whitnall that the club cannot afford to let him go to Kouta's BBQ. (D) Get up & post Brendon Fevola's bail. The future looks very bleak & you wish it was the 80's again. Do you ... (A) Talk Steven Kernahan into regrowing his mullet. (B) Buy up Elders..... like Mick Martyn. (C) Bring back the Bluebirds but due to costs use old Nissans instead of girls. (D) Build a new grandstand in your name even though you can't afford it. Your club is desperately short of money do you cut costs & raise funds by (A) Cashing in all of Brendon Fevola's empty cans. (B) Claim concession rates by paying for everything on Craig Bradley's Pension Card. (C) Get Ryan Houlihan to perform his clown act at kids parties as well as on the ground. (D) Insist Steven Silvagni bring his own brown paper bags. And finally the million dollar question: You are sitting in a cafe in Rathdowne Street & John Elliott walks in. Do you.... (A) Compliment his wife on her new perm & then apologise profusely when you discover it is Denis Pagan. (B) Order two short whites & wait for Hulme & Franchina to arrive. (C) Pretend you don't know him. (D) Excuse yourself & leave before he makes you pay the bill. --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- + CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED + Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and...... Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells... --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- This weeks graphics come from Gary B, Little Di, Golden Boy Colin, QCAT, Malisja, Lan Vu, Highett Dave, Steve Kerosene, Margot, Wellington Ben, and Melbourne Uni Lee. Tight fit Click here Tighter fit Click here Nice job Click here Don't look down Click here Topless pole dancers Click here Budget accommodation with a view! Click here Why didn't we buy a curtain? Click here Fosters fantasy Click here The year that was Click here Bits and pieces Click here Electro-sex Click here Group-sex Click here Threesome Click here Hi boys Click here Hi girls Click here Big boy Click here Look who's dropped in Click here Ambitions Click here Which one is left handed Click here Goings on beneath the grave (repeat) Click here Don't spill too much Click here Bugging you Click here Paleface games Click here Merry Christmas to all Click here --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- Back to ascii from Rowan Davo THAT SINISTER SIX 666 - Number of the beast 668 - Neighbor of the beast 660 - Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 - Number of the Millibeast 1/666 - Common Denominator of the Beast 666[-/(-1)] - Imaginary number of the Beast 1010011010 - Binary of the Beast 29A - Hexidecimal of the Beast 1-666 - Area code of the Beast 00666 - Zip code of the Beast 1-900-666-0666: Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please. $665.95 - Retail price of the Beast $732.55 - Price of the Beast plus 10% GST $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul $656.66 - KMart price of the Beast $646.66 - Next week's KMart price of the Beast Route 666 - Way of the Beast 666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast 666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast 6.66% - 5 year interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit. DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast i66686 - CPU of the Beast 666i - BMW of the Beast 666-66-6666 - Social Securuity Number of the Beast 6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast 6.66 pH of the Beast. 665.99996 - The Pentium of The Beast Y666K - compliant beast 999 - skydiving Beast 666999 - Naughty beast --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- This came from Groucho (on the AM stereo list) VINYL RULES! Breaking News In The Fight Against Audio Piracy!!! Music Industry Unveils New Piracy-Proof Format: A Black, Plastic Disc With Grooves On It Music bosses have unveiled a revolutionary new recording format that they hope will help win the war on illegal file sharing which is thought to be costing the industry millions of dollars in lost revenue. Nicknamed the 'Record', the new format takes the form of a black, vinyl disc measuring 12 inches in diameter, which must be played on a specially designed 'turntable'. "We can state with absolute certainty that no computer in the world can access the data on this disc," said spokesman Brett Campbell. "We are also confident that no-one is going to be able to produce pirate copies in this format without going to a heck of a lot of trouble. This is without doubt the best anti-piracy invention the music industry has ever seen." As part of the invention's rigorous testing process, the designers gave some discs to a group of teenage computer experts who regularly use file swapping software such as Limewire and gnutella and who admit to pirating music CDs. Despite several days of trying, none of them were able to hack into the disc's code or access any of the music files contained within it. "It's like, really big and stuff," said Doug Flamboise, one of the testers. "I couldn't get it into any of my drives. I mean, what format is it? Is it, like, from France or something?" Invention: Teenage computer hackers struggled to access the new disc. In the new format, raw audio data in the form of music is encoded by physically etching grooves onto the vinyl disc. The sound is thus translated into variations on the disc's surface in a process that industry insiders are describing as 'completely revolutionary' and 'stunningly clever.' To decode the data stored on the disc, the listener must use a special player which contains a 'needle' that runs along the grooves on the record surface, reading the indentations and transforming the movements back into audio that can be fed through loudspeakers. Even Shawn Fanning, the man who invented Napster, admits the new format will make file swapping much more difficult. "I've never seen anything like this," he told reporters. "How does it work?" Pirates: Their days are numbered. As rumours that a Taiwanese company has been secretly developing a 12 inch wide, turntable -driven, needle-based, firewire drive remain unconfirmed, it would appear that the music industry may, at last, have found the pirate-proof format it has long been searching for. --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- This was from Juan on the AM stereo list WHO'D BE A LAWYER? * The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. * How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. * How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other. * How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories. * How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? * How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company. * If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? * What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. * What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet. * What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator. * What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor. * What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners. * What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality. * What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. * What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. * What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips. * Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice. --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- Nothing like a Beryl quickie SANTA'S REINDEERS Did you know... While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- More from Kero Steve CHRISTMAS WISHES It is Christmas Eve, and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of dollars to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas. The man explains why he is so miserable and then gets ready to jump. "Stop !" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!" "Would you ?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!! Thank you, thank you !" Father Christmas promises him that "You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking. And you shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit - you will have no outstanding bills. "Oh thank you, thank you !" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man. "Ho Ho Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!"? chuckled the jolly fat gay bastard, "Merry Christmas!!" --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- Finally from our very own Christian - yet another oldie ... A GREAT CHRISTMAS PUDDING RECIPE. Ingredients: 2 cups of flour 1 cup of white sugar 1 cup of brown sugar lemon juice 4 large eggs nuts 1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp salt 2 cups of dried fruit 4 bottles of Rum Method: Sample the rum to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the rum again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and the flour. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the rum is still OK. Try another cup .... just in case Turn off the mixerer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a sdrewscriver. Sample the rum to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Check the rum. Now shift the lemon juice and schtrain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of bacon shoda. Greash the oven and turn up the fridge. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish off the rum and kick the cat. CHERRY MISTMAS! --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-- Quote of the Week "What has happened today should be seen as a celebration of the philosophy of privatisation." Former Premier Jeff Kennett (relating to the collapse of M>Train)
--o---o---o---o---o---o--happy-new-year--o---o---o---o---o---o-- [ End Fri humour ]
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