Friday humour - December 06, 2002

     From Davo at bluehaze:


Greetings Salutations and G'day

Well while Tony and our IT Empire plus sundry hangers on are basking in the
sun on the Gold Coast us loyal Claytonians are hard at it in grey old
Melbournetown in the cold and the rain.  They're actually attending the
annual IT gabfest and must find it hard going staying at the five star
Marriott Hotel in Surfers Paradise.  Tony - we are all feeling sorry for you
having to endure so much.  Hopefully you'll be able to stay awake for some
of the official bits and pieces.

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    +           ===  National Newsroom Latest  ===              +
    +                                                           +
    +  Davo's "crook foot" is almost better - Praise the Lord!  +
    +                                                           +
    +  No further discussion on Davo's bodily parts will be     +
    +  entertained.  There endeth the matter.                   +
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This was the photo on the front of The Age yesterday - Wednesday's total
eclipse over Ceduna in SA.  Spooky huh???

        Click here

The Mars Bar 'Joke of the Week' award must go to "SOT" the prodigious
Steve Kerassitis - son of Tony K.  Does he ever do any work? - we well may
wonder - but let's face it - you've gotta laugh.  His hamster joke this
week is so bad that it's so good.  Thanks heaps Steve!


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First up this week from Unilever Joe in the UK

                              Yodelling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?

Here's the real version....

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to
a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer
told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man
going into the barn?"

"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay
for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of
food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and
straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the
man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,
and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse
buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his
journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears. "How could he leave without even saying good-bye," she cried.
"We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my
daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his
mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!!"


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   And from AM stereo Ben in NZ  [this is long - come back at teabreak]

                           The Kiwi Test....

The following test was written for a Waitangi Day party we threw a few years
back. We were amused by the apparent lack of awareness for NZ holidays
(despite being listed in the Gary Larson Calendars) so we set out to educate
our mates on Kiwi trivia.

The questions are by no means definitive and loads of juicy in-jokes have
been missed out (the Goodnight Kiwi for instance - the joke's no fun if you've
never seen the thing ... should be in bed anyways :-) There is a slight ethnic
tinge to the questions, but as a Maori I like to take the piss out of myself
more than anything else so no flames please.

Incidentally, the answers were rated (by a somewhat dodgy set of standards,
but its my questionnaire so tuff if you disagree :-) and scored. I have
included these results in brackets. At the end is a total sheet to see if
you passed or not.

1. How many Islands are there in NZ? (Warning! don't confuse this with
   "Islanders" cos that answer to that is "bloody heaps of 'em, mate")

a) One
b) Two
c) Three
d) Isn't it part of Australia?

2. What is a Pakeha?

a) The Maori word for Parka - as in "Shit, it's raining, and I've left my Pakeha
   at home"
b) A foreigner
c) The maori word for Pakistani's
d) A crested white dove, symbolising international peace and harmony lying
   on a plate with a lovely cheese sauce

3. What is the colloquial term for people of NZ origin?

a) Bloody foreigners
b) Bloody non-tax paying foreigners
c) Kiwi's
d) Fat bastards

4. What is NZ's national symbol?

a) A fernleaf
c) Oi, what happened to B
b) Ahh, there it is
d) An odd fat bird that can't fly
e) 'DB!'

5. What is a Hori?

a) A short way of saying horrible - as in "Man, that bloke is a bit of a hori"
b) The term used when you're only half horizontal
c) Slang for 'a cuzzy bro'
d) A fascist statement imposed on a minority group with the sole intent of
   destablising their cultural position in a tumultuous ethinic climate, with
   the hope of doing something or other that might be construed as brilliant
   because it has words in it people can't understand (like wheel barrow and
   vegemite. Multi-syllable words always were a killer) but its underlying theme
   it to highlight what a gullible person you, the reader, are.

6. What is a Honki?

a) Something you blow your nose into
b) The subject of the verb 'to honk'
c) A very pale maori
d) The noise a goose being strangled makes

7. What is a coconut?

a) A small hard furry nut
b) A large furry nutcase
c) Something sprinkled over a lamington
d) All of the above

8. Where can the largest concentration of kiwis be found?

a) Sydney
b) Auckland
c) Any boat from Hong Kong or Rarotonga
d) The Gluepot tavern on a Saturday night

9. What city is the Capital of NZ?

a) Wellington
b) Auckland
c) Canberra
d) One teaspoon of flour and 1 egg, mix together and bake for 5 minutes

10. What export generates the *worse* money for NZ?

a) Sheep
b) Quality home grown TV like Shortland St, Close To Home, Spot-on or Pukimanu
c) Dairy products
d) Nudey pictures of Selwyn Toogood

11. Who sings "I'm a little fire engine"?

a) Fluke
b) Flake
c) Flock
d) Flick

12. What would have happened if you "just got your beans"?

a) You would have a butt full of fart gas
b) You would have just got a beating
c) You just did the wild thing with a choice sheila
d) Your cell mate 'hemi' wanted to play mummies and daddies and mummy split
   your butt with her dick

13. What does 'choice' mean?

a) Excellent
b) Several options available to an individual
c) Short word for
N. Z tea made by Choysa
d) Whats left when all thats left in the box of xmas chocs is the revolting
   marzipan ones which nobody likes.

14. What is DB?

a) Two letters from the alphabet
b) Sweet Nectar from the Gods
c) David Bowies initials
d) Chemical unit for Puhaa and Pork Bones

15. From what TV program does Manu come from?

a) Close To Home (The alchy school teacher)
b) Shortland Street (A hit and run victim under the sheet)
c) Play School (The polynesian doll)
d) Romper Room (The lady who sang 'bounce bounce bounce a ball')

16. What is a Tiki?

a) A tacky green plastic ornament worn by anybody NOT from NZ
b) A green Maori symbol with his tongue pointing out
c) Something you get from your mentally imbalanced auntie cos she wants you
   to get back in touch with your cultural roots
d) The boat made famous by a Norwegian called CON

17. What are Jandals?

a) A female blues trio from Aranui
b) Something you wear on your feet
c) Stink plastic rugby boots you had to wear when you were five
d) A kiwi name given to something a bit poofy, ie: "By jingo's that Invercargill
   forward pack are a pack of Jandals"

18. What would you do if you had a Weta on your arm?

a) Remark how it complements your floral shirt
b) Scream and yell 'getthefuckingthingoffame!!'
c) Pay a visit to the local STD clinic
d) Tell your little brother to stop pissing around or you'll punch his
   lights out.

19. What are Judder bars?

a) A pub for Judders
b) A chocolate bar
c) Humps on the road, designed to slow you down and destroy the undercarriage
   of your car
d) Things that wake you up when you're driving home from the pub pissed

20. What is a Huhu and what would you do with it?

a) A grub, you would eat it
b) A grub, you can't eat it
c) Something your little sister did in her undies five years ago and you've
   taunted her about it ever since
d) Something that tastes like the thing your sister did in her undies five
   years ago

21. What does L&P stand for?

a) Limp and Putrid
b) Lemon and Paeroa
c) Large and Penetrating
d) Little and Pathetic

22. What is the kiwi word for food?

a) Macdonalds
b) Kai
c) Tahky ah ways
d) Kay Eff See

23. What is a Feijoa?

a) A second generation Fijian immigrant
b) A small sail on the front of a yacht
c) A luvely piece of fruit
d) The kiwi word for laxative

24. What do you wear with your Bata Bullets?

a) Cap, shirt
b) Socks
c) The luvley taffita outfit that matches your eyes
d) Stubbies

25. What is the correct Kiwi phrase?

a) Rellies
b) Relatives
c) Rello's
d) Bloody in-laws

26. Which news group do frequent most often?

a) rec.sport.rugby
b) rec.sport.racing
c) rec.sport.beer
d) alt.sex.bizarre
e) soc.culture.new-zealand

27. Who was the drummer in Grunt Machine?

a) Ray Columbus
b) Max Cryer
c) Tenika Buschkeyae
d) Bruno Lawrence

28. What was Channels 2's first name?

a) South Pacific Television
b) Channel 2
c) NZBC - 2
d) The black and White minstrel show

29. Which kiwi song has the highest gross sales overseas?

a) 'Everything is beautiful' by Ernie Lennard and Glynn Tucker
b) 'The love bug' by unknown
c) 'Tequila sunrise' by Annie Whittle
d) 'Take the money and run' by Bunny Walters
e) '1905' by Shona Lang
f) 'Let's join together' by Ray something or other
g)  Any song by Craig Scott
h) 'How Bizzarre' by OMC
i) 'Rust on my car' Citizen band

30. What was Fred Daggs flea entrant called?

a) Trev
b) Murry
c) Wayne
d) Daggy boy
=====================

Scoring:

1 a (2), b (3), c (4), d (1)
2 a (1), b (4), c (1), d (1)
3 a (1), b (1), c (4), d (-1)
4 a (4), b (1), c (1), d (3), e (1)
5 a (1), b (1), c (4), d (2)
6 a (1), b (3), c (4), d (1)
7 a (2), b (2), c (2), d (4)
8 a (1), b (4), c (3), d (2)
9 a (4), b (2), c (1), d (0)
10 a (1), b (3), c (2), d (4)
11 a (1), b (1), c (1), d (4)
12 a (2), b (4), c (3), d (2)
13 a (4), b (3), c (1), d (1)
14 a (-1),b (4), c (2), d (1)
15 a (1), b (1), c (4), d (2)
16 a (3), b (4), c (2), d (2)
17 a (1), b (4), c (3), d (1)
18 a (1), b (4), c (1), d (3)
19 a (1), b (1), c (4), d (3)
20 a (4), b (3), c (1), d (1)
21 a (1), b (4), c (1), d (1)
22 a (2), b (4), c (2), d (2)
23 a (1), b (2), c (4), d (1)
24 a (4), b (3), c (1), d (1)
25 a (4), b (3), c (2), d (1)
26 a (2), b (2), c (2), d (2), e (4)
27 a (1), b (1), c (3), d (4)
28 a (4), b (1), c (1), d (1)
29 a (1), b (1), c (1), d (1), e (1), f (1), g (3), h (4), i (3)
30 a (1), b (1), c (1), d (4)

[Now for those who did this on the fly - you will be required to work 2
hours unpaid duty on Saturday]

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   A couple of Trina quickies (so to speak)

                           Santa's reindeer

While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,
according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the
spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a
GIRL.

We should've known!

Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all
around the world in one night and not get lost.


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               How is this for thought under pressure...

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice
evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was
left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to
80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her
up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit
him.

"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word, and examined it and
the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday
the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse
for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop.
I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.


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Another quickie from Marysville Beryl ... about to tour the World (it'll
never be the same!)

                        How to train a wife...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic
tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter
was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the woman. "We visited the
Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my husbands's mule stumbled. My husband quietly
said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little farther and the mule stumbled again. Once more my
husband quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband
quietly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot the mule dead. I started
to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly
said, 'That's once.' "

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   And a couple from Delish Lish

                              Mr Bean

BRAIN TUMOUR

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumour.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!


MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the
answer is 6!!


WHILE IN A DRUG STORE

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!


QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE

Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN number, hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN number if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: Four asterisks!


HOW MANY MAN

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.


CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it OK?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean OK, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see
any picture.
Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.


MOM'S DEAD

Mr. Bean: (crying) The doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: Condolence, my friend.

After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder.

Friend: What now?
Mr. Bean: My sister just called, her mum died too!


MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING

Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a
power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too... I got stuck on the escalator for 3hrs.

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This came from Melbourne Uni Lee and also Carsten Heidmann in Hamburg,
Germany ... (donka shane)

                             Double Dubya

   Hu Jintao was recently named chief of the Communist Party in China.
   Condoleezza Rice, the US Security Advisor, flew home with the news.

   Picture the Oval Office...


George: Condo! Nice to see you. Wassup?

Condo: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China.

George: Great! Lay it on me.

Condo: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condo: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condo: Correct.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condo: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condo: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condo: Hu!

George: The Chinaman!

Condo: Hu is leading China!

George: Now whaddya' asking me for? You just been there yourself!

Condo: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condo: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condo: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?

Condo: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.

Condo: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condo: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condo: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condo: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condo: No, sir.

George: Look, Condo. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condo: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condo: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condo: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the U.N.

Condo: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condo: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condo: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condo: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condo: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condo: Kofi.

George: All right then! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condo picks up the phone.)

Condo: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea! And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food
in the Middle East?


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This came from heaps of people - Guru Russell was the first to chonk it this
way ...  For memory it also came in from Rowan Davo, Magpie Anne Partridge,
and you know who you are.


                       CARLTON FOOTBALL CLUB

         [Sung to the tune of American Pie by Don Mclean]

 Long long time ago, I can still remember how Fraser Brown made Dean Wallis cry
 And I knew if he had the chance, Steven O'Reilly could play defence
 And maybe we'd avoid the spoon for a while.

 But Demetriou makes me shiver
 With every infringement he delivers
 Bad news for the Blue set
 Long service leave will get us yet

 I can't remember if I cried, when Riccardi beat our withered side
 But something touched me deep inside
 The day our dignity died

 So bye bye picks one and two, bye
 Can't have Goddard, can't have Salopek, no pick allowed high
 Those losers at the Saints will again pick the draft dry
 Singing "this will be the day that Jack dies"
 Singing "this will be the day that Jack dies"

 Do you remember 93
 When Jack accused Kevin Sheedy
 That the Dons had cheated bad

 And the flag was won in 95
 When Diesel skinned the Cats alive
 Norm Smith and a lazy 5

 Well I know we didn't cheat back then
 'Coz our Captain was Sticks Kernahan.
 He sang for me and youse
 We are the Navy Blues

 I was a lonely feral Italian drunk
 Thought we never be short nine million bucks
 But in the end we ran out of luck
 The day our draft picks flied

 The rest were singing
 Bye Bye picks one and two bye
 See ya Wells, see ya Goddard, poor old Barb has just cried
 Come on down to the Saints, get onto the ride
 Coz the Blues have just blatantly lied
 The Blues have just blatantly lied

 Did you fiddle the books from above
 Did you give Hamill a great big shove
 Yes the bible* told us so.

 Well, Kouta proved he's a great big Queen
 And you can say much the same about Peter Dean
 With a voice that came from It-al-y

 And while old SOS was bending down
 Darren Milburn knocked off his girly crown
 Do you recall that lovely sound
 The day, the Blues fans cried.

 And we were laughing ?
 Bye Bye to the Blues as a side
 Time is fleeting
 They're caught cheating
 And Lance Whitnall is wide
 And Tig-er fans wipe tears of joy from their eyes
 Saying 'time to pay for all of those lies'
 Now lets see the same for the Pies.'

 I met this bloke who loved the Blues
 And I asked him for some footy news
 But he just sobbed and turned away

 So I went down to old Princes Park
 To hang some shiit for a bit of a lark
 But the fans there admitted Carlton cannot play

 And on the street the Demons cheered
 The Bombers laughed and the Hawkers leered
 Happy words were spoken
 Even Saints fans were all jokin'

 And the two men that most make me sick
 That mongrel Diesel and that dickhead Sticks
 They stabbed poor Jack for an easy fix
 The day their loyalty died.
 So Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
 Big Jack got stabbed in the back by Sticks
 'Cause liars are the Devil's only friends.

 And as I watch him on the stage
 Muttering somethin' 'bout SOS's wage
 No Iti born in Rome
 Could run that Telstra Dome

 And as the cigarette smoke rose into the day
 To hide all evidence of SOS's pay
 I saw Satan's presidency blown away
 The day Blues' draft picks dried
 So why why, Craig and Steve, tell us why
 Sold us out to the League, so your arses won't fry
 You've screwed up the club, the cheque book has run dry
 Mick Martyn is now all we can buy.....


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   And now Click here it's blanket time!


   These graphics were sent in by Highett Dave, Steve Kerosene, The Duke of
   Nexhip, Trina, Ty, Wellington Ben, Ian J, and those anonymous degenerates
   who make QCAT what it is today ...
                          --------------------------

New Orders Click here

Up Up and Ooopps! Click here

Lucky Luke Click here

Has bins Click here

Hot dog anyone? Click here

Short hose Click here

Bad planning? Click here

The Three Wise Women Click here

Beyond the environment Click here

Forbidden Love Click here

Sick note Click here

Have a nice day Click here

Puppet Show Click here

Who's watching? Click here

(Warning - this one is around 25Mb) Mad cow Click here

You make me wanna ...  Click here

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   These howlers were sent in by David T who said:

   "This is a lovely collection.  Is it true?  Who knows?  Though some of
   it was probably filched from legit lit, the jokes are still dead funny."


                         Leaders of tomorrow

Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays (some of these
may come in handy for those of you who are writers... ):

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature
Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with
vegetable soup.

>From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal
quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on
at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them
in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36p. m. traveling at 55mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19p. m. at a speed of 35mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a
while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college
freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real
duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind
her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power
tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she
were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH
cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the
wall.


     --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--


The Kero Steve selection

                              Cricket

Q. What's the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Andrew Caddick put in his hands to make sure the next ball
   almost always takes a wicket?
A. His bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he were an Englishman?
A. An allrounder.

Q. What is the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What was the most proficient form of footwork displayed by the English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavillion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English team?
A. The guy who removes the red marks from the bats.

Q. What advantage does Nasser Hussein, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley,  Alex
   Tudor, Alan Mullally, Mark Alleyne and Graham Hick have over the rest of
   their team mates?
A. At least they can say they are not really english.

Q. What does ASHES stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. Whats the English version of LBW?
A. Lost Beaten & Walloped.


        --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--


            Witty Things A Man Might Say During A Colonoscopy!!


"Take it easy, Doc -- you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Oh, boy! That was sphincteriffic!"

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact,
up there?"

"You know, in some States we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey..."

Hey - now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

"Deflector shields: Down!"

     --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--


   Finally, a couple from Allnutts

                         Day care follies

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"

"A horsey," one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks.

"A piggy," replies another youngster.

"And now this one," asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer
with a beautiful rack of antlers.

There was no answer, only total silence.

"Come now, children," she coaxes. "I'll give you a little hint. What does
your Mummy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny little bastard."

     --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--   --oOo--


   Quote of the Week

   "The Bush administration's energy policy to date - a military
    garrison in the Middle East and drilling for oil in the Arctic
    and other fragile habitats - is costly, dangerous and
    self-defeating."

           - Robert Redford  [writing for The Los Angeles Times]


     --oOo--   --oOo--   --the--   --end--   --oOo--   --oOo--

[ End Fri humour ]


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