Friday humour - November 29, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Well gidday,
     And time for more depravity, filth and debauchery, all masquerading
     under the guise of humour!  Actually - now that I think about it - a
     couple of the MPEGs this week *are* a bit risque.  Oh well ... as Davo
     said last week, out with the blankets (and if any monitors catch fire
     today, we'll all know what you were up to).

     BTW, I must admit that I usually just grab the latest submissions and
     use those, but this week I've picked up the jokes drawer and given it a
     really good shake.  So today's lot represent a good selection of new
     stuff from the past 6 months or so.  Starting with John over at CUB who
     posted this lot around June this year:
                             --------------------------


                                  NO HAIR DOWN THERE

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.  She asked if she could have
a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and
she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night when
my husband goes out to play darts" she said.

So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.  After her husband
had gone to the pub for his darts match the woman filled the bath and watched
as the girl got undressed.  She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have
any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.  He didn't believe her
so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see
for yourself".

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do
you shave?"

"No," said the girl "I've just never grown any hairs down there.  "Do you have
hairs?"

"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy minge.

When the husband got back in she asked: "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said "But why the fuck did you have to show her yours?"

"Why?" she asked "You've seen it all before"

"Yeh," he said "but the f__king darts team hasn't!"

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                                 PARKING FINE

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes
and when I came out there was a goddamn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked Nazi.  He glared at me and started writing
another ticket for having bald tyres!!

So I called him a horse fucker.  He finished the second ticket and put it on
the car with the first.  Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets
he wrote.

I didn't give a fuck.  My car was parked around the corner.

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                                  I'M BLONDE

A young little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.  She runs
to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count.  Well,
all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
That's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blonde."

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at
school we learnt the alphabet.  All the other girls only went as far as D,
but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K !

"That's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"Yes darling it's because you're blonde."

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming,
and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"

She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D at her mum.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                                   WINNERS

A number of racehorses are in a stable.  One of them starts to boast about
his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won eight of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another,
flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been eavesdropping.

"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've
 won 89!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence.
"A talking dog."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       This ultra short one's been sitting in the in-tray since July
       because it referred to the children's names in the 26-Jul-02 FH
       and I forgot to use it.  From Mike Horne (currently on leave with
       their new baby) ...
                              --------------------


                                MORE NAMES

Exotic dancer's son:  Randy
Shearer's son:  Sean
Campanologists daughter:  Belle  (OK, that's a bit steep)
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


            Then there was this one from Maria the Harding ...
                            --------------------

                                REAL WOMEN

                    The Good Housekeeping Way #1

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.

                       The Real Women's Way

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake.  You
are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

                          ---===*==*==---

                    The Good Housekeeping Way #2

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

                       The Real Women's Way

Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

                          ---===*==*==---

                    The Good Housekeeping Way #3

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

                       The Real Women's Way

The Cheese Cake Shop sell cakes.  They even do decorated versions.

                          ---===*==*==---

                    The Good Housekeeping Way #4

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
potato slice.

                       The Real Women's Way

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit.
Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it
and I don't give a stuff how bad it tastes."

                          ---===*==*==---

                    The Good Housekeeping Way #5

Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.

                       The Real Women's Way

It could keep forever.  I don't eat it.

                          ---===*==*==---

                    The Good Housekeeping Way #6

Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield beautiful
glossy finish.

                       The Real Women's Way

Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg whites over
the crust so I don't do that.

                          ---===*==*==---

                    The Good Housekeeping Way #7

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.

                       The Real Women's Way

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of
tequila.  Drink the Tequila.  You might still have the headache, but at least
you will be too drunk to give a shit.

                          ---===*==*==---

                    The Good Housekeeping Way #8

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

                       The Real Women's Way

Go ask that Mr tight-arse cute-legs single guy next door to do it for you.

                          ---===*==*==---

And finally the most important tip -

                    The Good Housekeeping Way #9

Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

                       The Real Women's Way

Leftover wine?  WHAT leftover wine?
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Onto some pics now.  The first lot's from Brett in the store ...
                           ----------------------

Ad #1: Click here
Ad #2: Click here
Ad #3: Click here
Ad #4: Click here
Ad #5: Click here
Ad #6: Click here
Taxi girl: Click here
Dream cars: Click here
Fix my willy: Click here
Genie: Click here

    These are totally rude and disgusting little GIF files.  Send them to
    your friends with your email sig (or maybe to your enemies) ...
                           ----------------------

Disgusting GIF #1: Click here
Disgusting GIF #4: Click here
Disgusting GIF #5: Click here
Disgusting GIF #6: Click here
Disgusting GIF #7: Click here
Disgusting GIF #8: Click here
Disgusting GIF #9: Click here
Disgusting GIF #10: Click here
Disgusting GIF #11: Click here
Disgusting GIF #12: Click here
Disgusting GIF #13: Click here
Disgusting GIF #14: Click here
Disgusting GIF #15: Click here
Disgusting GIF #16: Click here
Disgusting GIF #17: Click here
Disgusting GIF #18: Click here
Disgusting GIF #19: Click here
Disgusting GIF #20: Click here
Disgusting GIF #21: Click here
Disgusting GIF #22: Click here
Disgusting GIF #23: Click here
Disgusting GIF #24: Click here
Disgusting GIF #25: Click here
Disgusting GIF #26: Click here
Disgusting GIF #27: Click here


          Dave McCallum passed on this lot for your amusement ...
                           ----------------------

Up on bricks: Click here
Yuk: Click here
You were drunk ... Click here
On my face: Click here
What's that noise? Click here
Fun additive: Click here
Do you take ... Click here
Kinky: Click here

    Here's a couple of TV commercials. I located these myself this week
    (since we didn't have much material) so for once I'll take the blame
    if anyone gets upset.  Okay, whip out the blankets:
                           ----------------------

Windows Office XP commercial (X-rated): Click here
Russian Pepsi commercial (XXX-rated): Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Raaaaaghto - back to the textual stuff again, and a couple from Brian
    D McNicol over in the UK ...
                            ----------------------

The Pope was finishing his sermon.  He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti
Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the following day and said that
they had noticed that the pope had blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
After his next sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini et Tuti
Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind."

Afterwards a gay-rights group approached the Pope.  They said that they
had noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could
also bless gay people.

Obligingly, the Pope concluded his next sermon with, "Tuti Homini et Tuti
Femini et Tuti Fruiti"

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                     HELLO!  THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING ...

An Air Canada flight is on final approach to Pearson Airport.  The pilot
announces over the intercom,

"This is Captain Peter Smith.  We're on our final descent into Toronto.  I want
to thank you for flying with Air Canada today and I hope you enjoy your stay
in Toronto".

He promptly forgets to switch off the intercom.  Now the whole plane can hear
the conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot says, "Well Pete, whatcha gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a
great, big crap.  Then, I'm gonna take out that new stewardess with the huge
tits for dinner.  I'm gonna wine and dine her and take her back to my room
and pork her big time - all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down
the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess who is seated the very back of the plane is very
embarrassed by all of this.  She starts to run to the front of the cabin to
try and get to the cockpit to tell the Captain to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says:

"No need to hurry, dear.  He's gotta take a shit first ..."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And this little collection from QCAT in our sunny North has also
        been waiting in the in-tray for several months ...
                            ----------------------

                               BLACKBOARD PENIS

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had
written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters.  She turned around and scanned the
class looking for a guilty face.  Finding none, she quickly erased it and
began class.

The next day, she went into the room and she noticed in larger letters written
across the board, the word 'PENIS'.  Again she looked around in vain for the
culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same disgusting word written on the board, each day's larger than the previous
one.  Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word
on the board but instead found the words:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                           WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students -- here is something to make
you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.  And the first
thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit?  We have forbidden fruit?  Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes Way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!", said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!", God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.  A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?", God asked.

"Uh, huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?", said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!", Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.  Thus, the pattern was set and it has
never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.  If God had trouble raising
children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                                    THE BOSS

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings,
everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault.  I said I was going to
blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the
ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought.  That's because it's unfamiliar
territory.

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective
barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector.  That way his mouth would be buffered from
surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself.  My new Boss is
an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery.  He walks, talks
and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success.  My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created
to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input
would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training.  Although
that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for
our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year
and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss'
daughter finishes her summer classes.

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                            WHERE BABIES COME FROM

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest
daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mum: Well dear...a mummy and daddy fall in love and get married.  One night
they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks
puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy's vagina.  That's
how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you
had daddy's penis in your mouth.  What do you get when you do that?

Mum: Jewellery, dear.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       We've already gone well over the usual size limit this week, but I
       can't resist including this little parable posted by Jonian back in
       May.  It was sent to him by a friend (Katharina) up in NSW, whom we
       recently added to the FH list:
                            ----------------------

A man and his dog were walking along a road.  The man was enjoying the scenery,
when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.  He remembered dying - and
the heartache he endured at the death of his beloved dog several years earlier.
He wondered where this road was leading them to.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the
road.  It looked like fine marble.  At the top of a long hill, it was broken
by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.  As he was standing before it,
he saw a magnificent gate made of mother of pearl and the street that led to
the gate seemed to be of pure gold.  He and the dog walked towards the gate,
and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.  When he was close
enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow!  Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir.  Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right
up."  The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller
asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued
the way he had been going.  After another long walk, and at the top of
another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that
looked as if it had never been closed.  There was no fence.  As he approached
the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there - help yourself"  The man pointed to
a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.

"Yes, there should be a bowl by the pump."  They went through the gate, and
sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveller filled the bowl, took a long drink himself and gave some to his
dog.  When they had quenched their thirst, they walked back to the man who was
standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that
was Heaven too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?  Nope.
That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" the traveller
asked.

"No.  I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen
out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



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