Friday humour - November 15, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

       Gidday,
    Well, we've lost a few of the CSIRO girls since I had to unsubscribe
    them last week!  Of the 28 who were on the list, 22 have since asked
    to be put back on, ie: we seem to have lost 6.  By the way, a lot of
    people have asked me "who complained?"  I can say quite truthfully that
    it never occurred to me to ask.  I was just concerned that we suddenly
    seemed to have a problem.  But with luck, it may have receded somewhat
    now.

    There were actually a cupla pleasant surprises out of all this, though.
    One was the enthusiasm displayed by so many of the girls, with comments
    such as "Don't you dare take me off" and "What a bunch of losers ... "
    Another surprise was the speed of the response - the mail went out at
    about 4:45pm Friday arvo, and 19 of the girls (and even some guys) had
    replied within 45 minutes!  One girl at Melb Uni who isn't on the list
    even emailed some encouragement, and several guys emailed their own
    (at times funny) comments, which was interesting too.

    I can appreciate the difficulty for some FH readers (of either sex) with
    some of our naughtier pics and movies that waft through from time to time.
    It's not that anyone is necessarily being prudish - the problem is more
    just a lack of normal privacy for many as a result of this stupid fad for
    open-plan office layouts that so many have to tolerate at the moment.

    It may be true (as one re-subscriber suggested) that the pics are getting
    naughtier of late - but hey, this is what our contributors are sending in.
    And it's not easy to reject stuff - the comment we always get is "Love
    the pics, give us more!", and we rarely have enough pics to "hold over"
    as happens with the textual material.  (In any case, who are we (Davo
    and Tony) to decide on what people get to see?)

    Anyway, that should answer a few questions.  Now on with the show (and
    if some of it's rather naughty - well, so be it ... it merely needs to
    be funny!)  First up, it's over to our intrepid collector at Foster's,
    John, for this collection of three ...
                           --------------------------


A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds.
As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.  He reached a cloud, upon which
was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.  "Shag me or climb the ladder to
success" she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On
this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Shag me or climb the ladder to success" she said.  "Well", thought the man,
"might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was an even slimmer female who, this time, was quite
attractive.  "Shag me or climb the ladder to success" she uttered.  The man
thought to himself, "This is getting better as I go on", so up he went again.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty.  Slim, attractive, the lot.  "Shag me
or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.  Now unable to imagine what could
be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a old fat bloke sitting there.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the fat bloke, "my name's Cess."

                           ----====#===#===#====----

Did you ever wonder where the word "sh_t" comes from?  Well, here it is.
Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was back then)
by ship.  In dry form, it weighed a lot less, but once water (at sea) hit
it, not only did it become heavier but the process of fermentation began
again, of which a by-product is methane gas.  As the stuff was stored
below decks in bundles, you may imagine what could (and did) happen. Methane
gas began to build up below decks, and the first time someone came below at
night with a lantern ... BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before they discovered what was
happening.  After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the
term "S.H.I.T" meaning "Ship High In Transit".  Or in other words - high
enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would
not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

                           ----====#===#===#====----

This Aussie farmer has just had a good harvest and decides to reward himself
with a bit of a holiday.

Deciding on New Zealand as his destination, he packs his gear and flies off.

Arriving at the Airport, he receives his hire car and thinks a little drive
in the country would be a good start.

So off he goes, climbing through the lush kiwi hills, when all of a sudden
he sees this farmer totally naked (aside from his gumboots) rooting a sheep.

"Oi, Mate!!", calls out the Aussie farmer.  "Back at home, we shear them!"

"Feck you!", replies the kiwi.  "I'm not sheerin' this with anyone!!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Now one from Maria the Harding - a little limerick for Osama Bin Laden:
                           --------------------------

                                 TO OSAMA

You hurt us bombing Bali, but we can take the pain,
But if you think you'll beat us you can think a-bloody-gain

We battled at Gallipoli and we fought the bloody Hun
Of all the arseholes that we've faced you're just another one
You won't get your hands dirty, you won't fire a gun
Whenever danger threatens you just pack your gear and run

You brainwash innocent children to do your evil deeds
Careful not to let them know just where it really leads
You get them to believe all your bigotry and lying
And then they cannot see that there's no glory in their dying

Now, we'd like to pose a question, so answer if you can
Where does your holy book tell you to kill your fellow man?

So listen hard and listen well, we're giving you the word
You're never gonna beat us, you spineless bloody turd
You'd never face us personally, you haven't got the guts
You know that if you ever did we'd have your bloody nuts

Our spirit is unbroken, and our heads are still unbowed
We sure as hell aren't scared of you and your gutless crowd
So get your act together - you'll never win, because
what you're really up against is the spirit that is Oz
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And while the Ashes are still topical, let's have this one as passed
        on by Biggus McCallum and Russell MacKinnon:
                           --------------------------

London - AAP: With England facing certain defeat in the upcoming Ashes
series, the International Cricket Council has imposed a new set of rules to
make the contest more even. The new rules were formulated in conjunction
with James Miller, 9, of Enfield and his school chums.

As a result, England has been granted an electric wickie, freeing up wicket
keeper Alec Stewart to defend the boundary. Under the rule, Australian
batsmen will be deemed out "caught behind" if the ball snicks their bat and
lands in the immediate area behind the wicket. The rule is a compromise from
the original English proposal which had pushed for electric slips as well.
The ICC refused that request on the grounds that "someone has to go and get
the ball when an Australian misses it."

In addition, Australia is under strict "tip and run" restrictions which
require they take a run off every ball they hit.  Following his performance
in the first test Australian wicketkeeper Adam Gilchrist has "six and out"
restrictions imposed on him.  As well, following complaints from English
fielder, Gilchrist will have to get the ball if it goes across the road.

Instead of using a bat, Hayden will now be obliged to use his arm with jumper
wrapped around it.

New rules for England include "one hand, one bounce" while they are fielding
and the provision of "last man carries" when they are batting.

Australian captain Steve Waugh has vigorously opposed the "last man carries"
rule and has launched an appeal. Waugh says Australia will only agree to the
rule if there are electric wickets at the end, allowing Aussie fielders to
throw to the stumps at either end.

A spokesperson for the ICC also announced that following six successive ducks
"from now on Andy Caddick can't get out for a duck". The English medium pace
bowler will also be allowed to wrap the ball's seam with electrical tape
when he's bowling in the second innings. The spokesperson added there will be
"no LB" for English batsmen unless "it is really, really obvious."

Shane Warne has conceded that its "fair enough" that he has to bowl underarm
(but not molly grubbers) to the English tail end.

Despite the changes, Australia remains firm favourites going into the Second
Test, paying $1.22, while an English win is currently paying $130.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And just before we hit the pics for this week, there was this one - it
      turned up via both sister lists, QCAT to the North and the ol' West:
                           --------------------------

              EXTRACTS FROM THE AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE HANDBOOK

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take
   the trailer to the funeral home.

   DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly
   so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

   ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
   taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

   PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
   private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from
   a woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.

   DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
   out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door 2 years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say
   10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's
   the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

   THEATRE ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
   can't hear you.

   WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a
   clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

   DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and
   the roo's in sight.

2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't
   always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask
   her to bring back beer, too.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    To the pics once again, and remember, this is Friday humour ... so SKIP
    THIS SECTION if you're at all worried about naughty pictures (and we
    may not tell you this again :-)
                          ------------------------

   George over at Minko International (Germany) enjoys reading FH off the
   archive, and he just contributed these:

Plug 'n Play: Click here
Emergency toilet: Click here

   And one from Maddus Mickus (and thanks for the comments, Mick):

Why don't M$ just say it how it is: Click here

   And a few from Sarah Buckler:

Eskimo contractors: Click here
Road rage: Click here
Strange bar: Click here

   Maria the Harding forwarded a couple of movies for you (which may be a
   bit slow to load, depending on the caching in your network provider):

Chainsaws (this is a classic!): Click here
Neat trick: Click here

   Russell Newnham passed this on (yet another chinese restaurant sign) -
   with the accompanying comment "Give us more filth!":

Another restaurant sign: Click here

   From Brett Valentine, this interesting audio clip (which gets steadily
   more hilarious as it goes on).  Pick the format you prefer.

                           The helpful listener:

 In proprietary Micro$soft WMA format (for PC users only): Click here
 or in the equally proprietary RealBadAudio format: Click here
 or as an open-standard MP3 version (which should play anywhere): Click here

   Some more stuff (pics + movie) that just floated down from QCAT:

Only in Africa #1: Click here
Only in Africa #2: Click here
Hello darling ... Click here

   And lastly but not leastly, from Biggus McCallum (the Pres'):

Which one ... Click here
What the' ... Click here
Okay doc: Click here
Your order? Click here
Last request: Click here
Show me ... Click here
Lubrication: Click here
Holy sh ... Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Back over to CUB now and a couple more from John K:
                           --------------------------

   Dear Beauty and the Beast:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.

My fiance's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together, and she invited me
to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond
what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under
a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married
man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she
just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where
the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly
how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door.

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He
was smiling.  He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid
and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated
me on passing their little test.

Should I tell my fiance' what her parents did, and that I thought their
"little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason
I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Signed,

   Confused

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                              HIGH COURT HANG-UPS

15 October 2002
A most extraordinary trial is going on in the High Court at the moment in which
a man named Chrysler is accused of stealing more than 40,000 coat hangers from
hotels round the world. He admits his guilt, but in his defence he claims that ...
well, perhaps it would be simpler just to bring you a brief extract from the
trial.  We join the case at the point where Chrysler has just taken the stand:

Counsel: What is your name?

Chrysler: Chrysler. Arnold Chrysler.

Counsel: Is that your own name?

Chrysler: Whose name do you think it is?

Counsel: I am just asking if it is your name.

Chrysler: And I have just told you it is. Why do you doubt it?

Counsel: It is not unknown for people to give a false name in court.

Chrysler: Which court?

Counsel: This court.

Chrysler: What is the name of this court?

Counsel: This is No 5 Court.

Chrysler: No, that is the number of this court. What is the name of this court?

Counsel: It is quite immaterial what the name of this court is!

Chrysler: Then perhaps it is immaterial if Chrysler is really my name.

Counsel: No, not really, you see because..

Judge: Mr Lovelace?

Counsel: Yes, m'lud?

Judge: I think Mr Chrysler is running rings round you already. I would try
a new line of attack if I were you.

Counsel: Thank you, m'lud.

Chrysler: And thank you from ME, m'lud. It's nice to be appreciated.

Judge: Shut up, witness.

Chrysler: Willingly, m'lud. It is a pleasure to be told to shut up by you. For
you, I would..

Judge: Shut up, witness. Carry on, Mr Lovelace.

Counsel: Now, Mr Chrysler for let us assume that that is your name you are
accused of purloining in excess of 40,000 hotel coat hangers.

Chrysler: I am.

Counsel: Can you explain how this came about?

Chrysler: Yes. I had 40,000 coats which I needed to hang up.

Counsel: Is that true?

Chrysler: No.

Counsel: Then why did you say it?

Chrysler: To attempt to throw you off balance.

Counsel: Off balance?

Chrysler: Certainly. As you know, all barristers seek to undermine the
confidence of any hostile witness, or defendant. Therefore it must be equally
open to the witness, or defendant, to try to shake the confidence of a
hostile barrister.

Counsel: On the contrary, you are not here to indulge in cut and thrust with
me. You are only here to answer my questions.

Chrysler: Was that a question?

Counsel: No.

Chrysler: Then I can't answer it.

Judge: Come on, Mr Lovelace! I think you are still being given the run-around
here. You can do better than that. At least, for the sake of the English bar,
I hope you can.

Counsel: Yes, m'lud. Now, Mr Chrysler, perhaps you will describe what reason
you had to steal 40,000 coat hangers?

Chrysler: Is that a question?

Counsel: Yes.

Chrysler: It doesn't sound like one. It sounds like a proposition which
doesn't believe in itself. You know "Perhaps I will describe the reason I had
to steal 40,000 coat hangers... Perhaps I won't...Perhaps I'll sing a little
song instead..."

Judge: In fairness to Mr Lovelace, Mr Chrysler, I should remind you that
barristers have an innate reluctance to frame a question as a question. Where
you and I would say, "Where were you on Tuesday?", they are more likely to
say, "Perhaps you could now inform the court of your precise whereabouts on
the day after that Monday?". It isn't, strictly, a question, and it is not
graceful English but you must pretend that it is a question and then answer
it, otherwise we will be here for ever.  Do you understand?

Chrysler: Yes, m'lud.

Judge: Carry on, Mr Lovelace.

Counsel: Mr Chrysler, why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing
as you must have that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside
hotel wardrobes?

Chrysler: Because I build and sell wardrobes which are specially designed to
take nothing but hotel coat hangers.

(The case is continuing ...)
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Then there was this little one from Di on the switchboard ...
                           --------------------------

   I thought I would give you guys a bit of a thrill ...


              THE 10 THINGS MEN KNOW (FOR SURE) ABOUT WOMEN



1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


6.


7.


8.


9.


10. They've got boobs ...


  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     And finally, another new contributor - Darnell at Solucient - who says:
     "I really enjoy your site... I thought you might find this funny."
     (It's actually a re-run, but with an updated punch line):
                           --------------------------

                         AMERICAN HISTORY LESSON

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia and a new student named
Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said,
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.

"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
"Oh shit! we're screwed" and Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2002".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Fri humour ]



 Previous (November 08, 2002)  Index Next (November 22, 2002)