Friday humour - November 08, 2002

     From Davo at bluehaze:


G'day and Yo.

The Melbourne Cup has been taken to Ireland for the second time - and a
state election has been called in Victoria.  The good Premier Bracks has had
alot to say on fixed term elections and reform of the upper house during his
term.  But since he's called this premature election these relatively
significant democratic issues have seemingly been thrown in the "too hard
basket".  Call me cynical - but I guess pragmatism wins every day.

And stand clear on Platform 7 - Little Georgie Bush has secured control of
both houses - May God be with us!

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    Firstly, a couple of quickies from British Knickers

                               THE MERCEDES

A lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the
perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, sure enough standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks,

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit
yourself when you hear the price."

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Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and
take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The
deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the
photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

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    More from the UK from Unilever Joe

                             THE HOSPITAL

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several
false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was
just that, so he stayed put.

Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he
jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the
hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to
free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked,
"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat
the shit out of a ghost."

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    And from our Melb UniLee

                           THE POINTS SYSTEM

Remember, in the world of romance one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points
system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed [+1]
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows [0]
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets [-1]
You replace the toilet paper roll when it runs out [0]
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex [-1]
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom [-2]
You go out to buy her tampons [+5] in the snow [+8] but return with beer
[-5] and no tampons [-25]
You check out a suspicious noise at night [0] it turns out to be nothing [0]
it turns out to be something [+5] you pummel it with a six iron [+10] it's
her cat [-40]

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party [0]
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school drinking
buddy [-2] named Tiffany [-4] who is a dancer [-10] with breast implants [-18]

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday [0]
You buy a card and flowers [0]
You take her out to dinner [0]

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar [+1]
Okay, it is a sports bar [-2]
It's all-you-can-eat night [-3]
It's a sports bar all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours
of your favourite team [-10]

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal [0]
The pal is happily married [+1]
The pal is single [-7]
He drives a Ferrari [-10]
With a personalised numberplate (GR8 NBED)[-15]

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie [+2]
You take her to a movie she likes [+4]
You take her to a movie you hate [+6]
You take her to a movie you like [-2]
It's called Death Cop III [-3]
Which features cyborgs that eat humans [-9]
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans [-15]

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable beer gut [-15]
You develop a noticeable beer gut & exercise to get rid of it [+10]
You develop a noticeable beer gut and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts [-30]
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." [-800]

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding [-10]
You reply, "Where?" [-35]
You reply, "No, I think it's just your arse that looks fat" [-100]
You reply, "No it's all the pizza you ate last week that's making you look fat
[-200.]
Any other response [-20]

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression [0]
You listen, for more than 15 minutes [+5]
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience [+50]
Your mind wanders to last weekend's game and you suddenly hear her saying,
"Well, what do you think I should do ??" [-100]

You have fallen asleep [-200]

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.

You talk [-100]
You don't talk [-150]
You spend time with her [-200]
You don't spend time with her [-500]
You are seen to be enjoying yourself [ GAME OVER ' YOU LOSE!!! ]

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   This weeks pics come from Steve, Beryl, Chris V, Lee, Rosalie, Lan V, and
   anonymous (you really do know who you are).

                   WARNING, WARNING and DANGER, WILL ROBINSON

   READERS ARE REMINDED THAT SOME PIC FILES MAY BE DISTASTEFUL TO SOME PEOPLE.
   IF THERE IS A CHANCE OF THIS PLEASE SKIP THIS SECTION OR UNSUBSCRIBE.

Begging dog Click here

Big cat Click here

Damn snow Click here

Speedway Click here

Spiderman? Click here

Jakuzzi Click here

Company people Click here

Smarties Click here

What's doing? Click here

The snap Click here

Well I never Click here

Wheel of Fortune Click here

The next Pavarotti Click here

And the winner is Click here

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   Back to text now, with a Trina quickie

                               COLOURS

An Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview in England.

Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in
English with three main words: green, pink and yellow..

The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I
see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day.."

The Frenchman was next: " I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a
green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV..

Last was the Indian, : "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green
green", I "pink" up the phone and I say "Yellow"

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                          LITTLE JOHNNIE HOWARD

This contribution came from newbie David Tiley who wrote:

     'You might think this is a joke.  I found it in a 1997 speech and
      policy document from J. Howard.'

"Our first class scientific, technical and engineering workforce also boasts
some of the most competitive labour costs in the region."

     'I imagine CSIRO staff are reassured that the Prime Minister has
      found such a solid reason for valuing their labours. As a final
      touch, the statement was followed by this para:'

 "Our diverse and tolerant nation has extended the gift of welcome to new
citizens who have made our workforce more able. Many of them constitute a
priceless link with the Asia Pacific region."

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   Something from Dave Allnutts


Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My
fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to
her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond
what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just
under a hundred ... then she floored me.

She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened,
she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom
and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly
how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was
smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and
would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me
on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their
"little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason
I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

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     And finally, a couple from KeroSteve

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and
thy Mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat
our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest
of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had
kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't
easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at
her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about
this revelation for while and then said "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's
hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade
them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will
be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's
a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of
the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying make
the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood,
as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." Yes," the
class said. Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

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                               THE HORTH

[ A repeat, but one worth having.  Bluehaze Ed ]

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over
to look at a horse.

His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment".

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse. "A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again,
and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off
by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the
rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can
up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase
that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

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   Thought for the week:


      "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

                                                    - Billy Crystal
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[ End Fri humour ]


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