Friday humour - November 01, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Sounds like Rosalie's "Ignobel 2002 Awards" contribution from a cupla
    weeks ago was quite a hit down at the Museum of Tasmania.  The Long
    just arrived back in Melbourne (after doing some light-beam comms tests
    between various freezing mountain tops down there) and he mentioned to
    me that there was a fair degree of mirth over it all - esp re the study
    of "Scrotal Asymmetry in Man and in Ancient Sculpture." :-)

    Anyway, onto this week's lot - and first up, this one which was passed
    on both by Maria the Harding and Rudi (Glass Blaster) Pillig:

                             FINDING THE RIGHT MAN

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally
   cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex
   with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet.

     Next three are from CUB John (on the B1 Bottling Line at 4 Southampton
     Crescent), who thanks Linda from Optusnet for the first couple, BTW:

                         STUCK UNDER A BRIDGE

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.  A sign comes up that reads
"low bridge ahead."  Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he
gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car comes up.  The cop gets
out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his
hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


                             RELIEVED DRUNK

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and
one foot in the gutter.  A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in,
sir.  You're obviously drunk"

The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Relieved, the wino said, "Phew, that's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."


                      THE NON-DISCOVERY OF AUSTRALIA

   This is an activity sheet to help you learn about the (non) discovery of

   From The Vedgymight History of Australia by C. Below:

Although Australia is very large, it remained undiscovered for a considerable
length of time.

1. The Aboriginal Non-Discovery:

The Aborigines were the first people not to discover Australia.  They failed
to discover it because they had no:

    a) Guns
    b) Bibles
    c) Diseases
    d) Flags
    e) Title Deeds

Furthermore, they may have walked over at low tide, which would have been
cheating, since discovery is meant to be done by boat.  In any case, it didn't
count since it all happened thousands of years ago, before the Age of Discovery.

Thus Australia remained undiscovered.

2. The Dutch

The second people not to discover Australia were the Dutch.  Considering how
often the bumped into it on their way to Java, it is perhaps surprising that
they never discovered it.  It was, however, fortunate, as otherwise we might
all be speaking Dutch and be Reformed.  This is why Australia is known today
as the Lucky Country.

Instead of discovering Australia, the Dutch nailed dinner plates to some
trees and then killed one another.  This was the first occurrence of European
Civilisation in Australia.

One Dutch ship went even further South, and got a brief glimpse of a country
they called Van Diemen's land, after their captain, Abel Tasman.  However they
failed to discover it.  Instead of discovering it, they sailed on and failed
to discover a country so like their native Zeeland that they called it Niewe
Zeeland.  When they had finished laughing at this joke they gave up sailing
and became Trekers and Bores.  So New Zealand got nothing out of it except a Z,
and became Pakeha (1).

(1) From Maori: pake = lucky + ha = country; or, according to other authorities,
pa = Dutchman + keha = go home.

3. The Spaniards

The third people not to discover Australia were the Spaniards (or 'Portugese',
as they are sometimes called).

The Portugese (or, if you prefer, Spaniards) sailed all over the world naming
everything after their saints.  By the time the got to Vanu Atu (as it was
not called) they had run out of Saints, so they named the biggest island
there Espiritu Santo and went home to get the latest new list of Saints.

This was fortunate, because Austalia was the next place they would have come
to, and we might all now be speaking Spanish (or Portugese, as the Brazilians
call it).

4. The French

Australia was also not discovered by the great French flower-person,
Bougainvillea, inventor of the Condominium, a miniature Anglo-French
Letter.  Thus Australia was saved from Gauguin, atom bombs and La Gloire,
which is the French technical term for chronic military disaster.

5. Etcetera

Australia was also not discovered by the Seafaring Chinese of the Ming Dynasty,
etc., who left small deposits of personal effects on beaches and sailed away.
These people are known to Historians as Etcetera.


          1. Name a person who did not discover Australia.
          2. Arrange in descending order:
             (a) Dinner plates;
             (b) La Gloire.
          3. Assess the place of Etcetera in Australia History.


          1. Walk across to Tasmania at low tide.
          2. Organise a bull-fight in your neighbourhood.
          3. Blow up a condominium.



                         THE DISCOVERY OF AUSTRALIA

In 1770, The first date in Australian History took place, it was:

                             #  1770   #

In that year, Captain Cook was sent to Tahiti to Observe the Transit of Venus.

The Transit of Venus was supposed to be something of great Importance to the
British Navy.  But all Captain Cook found was some dusky Tahitian maidens in
grass skirts (or not, as the case may be); so he sailed on.

Thus it was that Captain Cook came to Australia.  His immediate impact on the
Continent was similar to that of the Dutch, except that he kept on doing it
over and over again.

By the time he had come to Australia about three times, and found it equally
hard each time, he decided that it should be discovered.  Fortunately, he
had with him:

     a.  Guns
     b.  Bibles
     c.  Flags
     d.  Diseases
     e.  Title Deeds

In short, all the accoutrements of Discovery.  So he discovered it.

He asked the inhabitants what the name of the country was, but, finding that
they were black and didn't speak English, he concluded that they were Welsh.
So he called the country New South Wales, and wrote it on a Title Deed.

He then sailed away to Hawaii, where the local inhabitants feared he was
going to discover them and got in first by hacking him to pieces.  In memory
of this event, the islands were called the Sandwich Islands until they were
discovered properly by the Americans.

Some of Cook's crew, however, managed to escape, and sailed back to England.
They gave the title deeds of New South Wales to King George III, who immediately
went mad.

One of the main symptoms of his madness was that he started taxing the
Americans, which caused a number of terrible things, including Tea Parties and
Daughters of the Revolution.  All this is immensely important to understanding
the Causes of Modern Australia, so this paragraph must be learned by heart
before going on to Part 3 of our story.


         1.  Where was 1770?  Is it still there?
         2.  Translate into New South Welsh:
             'The All-Blacks are playing at Cardiff Arms Park'.
         3.  Which of the following arguments is the more persuasive:
             a) This is a Gun.  Hands up or I shoot.
             b) This is a title deed.  Hands up or I shoot.


         1.  Observe the Transit of Venus.  Describe how it felt.
         2.  Collect some samples of diseases.  Paste them on your screen.
         3.  Hold a Tea Party.  Do not invite the British.  When they
             come, run next door and say "The British are Coming!".
             Then shoot them.

     Now to some pics - some of these go back a cupla years because my pics
     bin is nearly empty this week!  First up, from Steve Kero:

Duh ... Click here

     This one was just received from Shorty:

Spank the Monkey: Click here

     For this next one, you may need to be running M$ Insecure Explorer
     (Netscape came up with blank screen for me).  It's from Aaron Torpy,
     who reckons: "Here's an on-line scalextric simulator.  Click & drag the
     track tiles to make your circuit, then race against the cockatoo.
     Fun for all."

 Click here

     And from Wayne Deane: "This is reported to be a receipt from the
     Meekatharra Hotel in WA which includes a glass of wine.  It was
     mentioned on 3AW the other day ..."   Was also sent in by Maria,
     George Kornet and QCAT (so it must really be doing the rounds!):

Receipt:  Click here

     From Colin McRae:

Eating out ... Click here
Fast: Click here

     More Don Martin comics strips and drawings from 30 years ago ...

Let me get your details ...
 Click here
Mmmmm ... Click here
Undertakers: Click here
Mona Lisa: Click here
Sherlock Holmes: Click here

      Back to the written stuff now (and apologies for my handwriting),
      with this one from Nicki Scarlett:

   The Washington Post's Style invitational asked readers to take any
   word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
   changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

   Here are some winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise
it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas
from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a totally
serious bummer.

Decaflon: (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only
things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they home
at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom
at 3am and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in your Weetbix

And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole


   BTW - Nicki got that one from Gabrielle Baker over at Melb Uni, and
   here's part of Gabrielle's email sig (you'll need to be in a monospaced
   typeface to be able to make of it though):

                      _-.                   .-_
                 _..-'(                       )`-.._
              ./'. '||\\.       (\_/)       .//||` .`\.
           ./'.|'.'||||\\|..    )*.*(    ..|//||||`.`|.`\.
        ./'..|'.|| |||||\```````  "  '''''''/||||| ||.`|..`\.
      ./'.||'.|||| ||||||||||||.     .|||||||||||| ||||.`||.`\.
     /'|||'.|||||| ||||||||||||{     }|||||||||||| ||||||.`|||`\
    '.|||'.||||||| ||||||||||||{     }|||||||||||| |||||||.`|||.`
   '.||| ||||||||| |/'   ``\||/`     '\||/''   `\| ||||||||| |||.`
   |/' \./'     `\./          |/\   /\|          \./'     `\./ `\|
   V    V         V          }' `\ /' `{          V         V    V
   `    `         `               U               '         '

                    And here's another one from Maria H:

                                HAHA, YOU LOSE

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high
school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in
10th grade.

When they graduated, they both wanted to go to the same college, but the
girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a
college on the West Coast.  But they agreed to be faithful to each other and
to spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be at home,
and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.  Even when he
emailed her, she took days to return his messages.  Finally, she confessed to
him that she wanted to date around.

He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and
emails trying to win back her love.  She soon became very annoyed with his
persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this ... she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her
new boyfriend's member and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading
"I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more, he was pissed
right off.

What he did next was awesome; he wrote on the back of the photo:

   "Dear Mum & Dad,
 Having a great time at college - please send more money!
 I'm getting pretty desperate!"

and mailed the picture to her parents.

           And over to RAU again and this one from Trevor:

  Here's an edited quote list (removed the dumb US talk show host comments):

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
  --Author Unknown

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but
if you ever get suckered into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house!"
  --Jeff Foxworthy

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
  --Marilyn Pittman

"Relationships are hard.  It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice.  There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
  --Bob Ettinger

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??  I'm halfway through my fish
burger and I realise, I could be eating a slow learner."
  --Lynda Montgomery

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
  --Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
  --Paul Rodriguez

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to
line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the
logic in that?  Do tall people burn slower?"
  --Warren Hutcherson

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At least they can
find Afghanistan."
  --A. Whitney Brown

         And finally for this week - another one from Rudi Pillig, Esq:

Charles Plumb was a U.S. Navy jet pilot in Vietnam.  After 75 combat missions,
his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile.  Plumb ejected and
parachuted into enemy hands.  He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist
Vietnamese prison.  He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned
from that experience.

One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another
table came up and said, "You're Plumb!  You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from
the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk.

You were shot down !"

"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb.

"I packed your parachute," the man replied.

Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude.

The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it worked !"

Plumb assured him, "It sure did.  If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be
here today."

Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man.

Plumb says, "I kept wondering what he might have looked like in a Navy uniform:
a white hat, a bib in the back, and bell-bottom trousers.  I wonder how many
times I might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how are you?' or
anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor."

Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent on a long wooden table in
the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of
each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know.

Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute?"  Everyone has
someone who provides what they need to make it through the day.

Plumb also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane
was shot down over enemy territory ... he needed his physical parachute, his
mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute.  He
called on all these supports before reaching safety.

Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really

We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on
something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do
something nice for no reason.

So as you go through this week, this month, this year, and the years to come,
recognise people who pack your parachute.
[ End Friday humour]

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