Friday humour - October 25, 2002

     From Davo at bluehaze:


Yo and G'day

As the world lurches from one disaster to another it's time for some Friday
Funnies.

btw - I thought Tony's editorial last week was excellent.  The words to that
great song spring to mind:  "All we are saying is give peace a chance".

Before reading the jokes find out "What kind of Muppet are You?" - a quick
personality test sent in by KeroSteve: Click here

To those who haven't yet watched the CNNNN show on ABC-TV 8:30 pm Thursdays
here's what appeared on the floating Newsbar last week ... Click here (*)

 ------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------

   Firstly, an article from The Age sent in by Rosalie ...

                       GET THAT CLOWN OFF THE TRACK!

   October 23 2002, London

Trains were disrupted today after an inflatable Ronald McDonald was reported
on the line. A Railtrack spokeswoman said the inflatable clown was reported
to be on the main line between south Wales and London.

Train drivers were warned to beware after the clown blew off the roof of a
McDonald's restaurant in Newport, south Wales, about lunchtime. The spokeswoman
said the inflatable was reported to Railtrack at 1.10pm by the restaurant
and trains were put on caution. She said: "At 1.30pm a line examination could
not find anything.

"When we tried to go down to retrieve it, it had gone." "There were 10
minutes delay caused to trains, with two trains being delayed by five
minutes each."

A McDonalds spokeswoman said staff went on the roof of the restaurant to blow
up the eight metre (25ft) clown, which was deflated at the time. But when they
got on the roof of the restaurant at Harlech retail park in Cardiff Road,
Newport, Ronald had gone. The spokeswoman said: "After an extensive search
of the whole area our 25ft Ronald McDonald is still at large. "Railtrack were
informed as a precaution and although they are remaining vigilant they haven't
spotted him yet.

"There is a Big Mac Meal for anyone with information leading to his safe
return." - PA
 ------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------

   From Unilever Joe in London

                           ATM INSTRUCTIONS

Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller
machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility, the following
procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to
your own circumstances (i. e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use
the machine for the first time.

   MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt

6. Put window up

7. Drive off

   FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine

2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine

3. Set parking brake, Put the window down

4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

5. Turn the radio down

6. Attempt to insert card into machine

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car .

8. Insert card

9. Re-insert card the right way up

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
    back page

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required

14. Check make up in rear view mirror

15. Retrieve cash and receipt

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside

17. Place receipt in back of check book

18. Re-check make-up again

19. Drive forward 2 feet

20. Reverse back to cash machine

21. Retrieve card

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers in line
    behind you

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off

25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles

26. Release Parking Brake.
 ------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------


      Here's something from Minnesota Scott

                           THE BAPTISM

A little son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for
the first time the rite of baptism by immersion.  He was greatly interested
in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptise his three cats in the bathtub.

The kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family
cat rebelled.  It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got away.
With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony.
But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands
and face.

Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on
the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be a Methodist."
 ------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------

Three from KeroSteve

                              BLONDE JOKE

A brunette, redhead and blonde were at a special magic Amusement Park. One
of the rides was a long slide at the end of which was a magic pool. On the
way down the slide, all the rider had to do was shout out his or her
favourite drink, and hey-presto they would land in a pool full of this
drink. So off they went. The brunette went first. On her way down she
shouted out "Vodka" at the top of her voice, and sure enough she landed in a
pool of the finest vodka. After filling several bottles and glasses she went
home, happy but a little un-steady.

Next the redhead - who loved a 10 year old malt, went flying down shouting
"Whisky", and of course into a pool of whisky she fell. She had to be
dragged away practically unconscious.

Now it was the blonde's turn. She was very excited, and on her way down was
enjoying the ride so much she shouted - "Weeeeeee"...
 ------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------


                              PHONE CALL

Hung Chow calls his boss and says: "Hey boss, I not come to work today, I
really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come to
work."

The boss says: "You know Hung, I really need you today. When I feel like
that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better
and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
great, I be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
 ------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------


                                THE LAMP

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a
meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They
rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says," Normally, one is granted
three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in
the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be in
Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff, and
he was also gone.

The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after
lunch at 12.35pm"

Moral of the story is: " Always allow the bosses to speak first"
 ------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------


    This weeks pics are from Dave Allnutt, Colin Nexhip, Minnesota Scott,
    Steve Kerosene, QCAT, yours truly, and you know who you are ...
                                ---------------

New release clock Click here

Intelligent Democrats Ad Click here

OOOOps Click here

Flat out Click here

Remote control Click here

Master of the Masters Click here

Fence decoration Click here

Checkout the buns on THAT Click here

Big fat offer Click here

And you thought he'd left the building Click here

Preconception Click here

Leave pass Click here

Trick or treat Click here

Drunk pumpkin Click here

Hot canary Click here

Simple thoughts Click here

Woman drivers Click here

Lynx hits the spot Click here
 ------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------


           Back to ASCII with an Allnutt selection ...

                             THE 3 BEARS

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks
into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he
squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he
roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was
Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the
house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded
the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear
who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was
Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned
the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that
you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma
Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going
to say this one more time ...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !!"
 ------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------


                                 THE POPE

The CEO of Inghams manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an
offer for you. Inghams is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church
if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to,
'give us this day our daily chicken.'

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord,
it must not be changed."

"Well," says the Inghams man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require
is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread
'to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the
word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Inghams guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Inghams respect your
adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500
million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic church
if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily
bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it."

Then he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good
news," he announces, "and some bad news."

"The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million dollars."

"And the bad news, Your Eminence?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Tip Top account."
 ------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------


A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have
a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me" said the cabbie

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2. you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic
too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfils
his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married
and I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name
is Kevin."
 ------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------

   Finally from QCAT

                        FOR THE DOG LOVERS

How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: "The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest
of our lives in front of us, and you're worried about a lightbulb?"

Border Collie: "Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's in breach of
the standards".

Labrador: "Oh me me!! Please? Let me change the lightbulb, can I? Can I?
Huh? Can I?"

Mastiff: "Mastiffs aren't afraid of the dark".

Kelpie: "... gotta put all the lightbulbs into a little circle..."

Pointer "I can see the lightbulb. There it is... it's... r-i-g-h-t...
t-h-e-r-e..."
 ------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------


    And stone motherless last is a late submission from newbie David Tiley

              MAKE THE PIE HIGHER by George W. Bush

This is a poem made up entirely of actual quotations from George W. Bush.
They have been arranged only for aesthetic purposes, by Washington Post writer
Richard Thompson.


                I think we all agree, the past is over.
                This is still a dangerous world.
                It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
                and potential mental losses.
                Rarely is the question asked,
                Is our children learning?
                Will the highways of the internet
                become more few?

                How many hands have I shaked?
                They misunderestimate me.
                I am a pitbull on the pantleg
                of opportunity.

                I know that the human being
                and the fish can coexist.

                Families is where our nation finds hope,
                where our wings take dream.

                Put food on your family!
                Knock down the tollbooth!
                Vulcanize Society!
                Make the pie higher!
                Make the pie higher!
 ------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------o------


                            QUOTE OF THE WEEK


    "Australia would seem best advised not to rush to be involved
     in other people's quarrels, but what we see is that Australia
     is still determined to be in at every fight."

                                - Germaine Greer (The Age, 24/10/2002)

 ------o------o------o------o-----end-----o------o------o------o------

[ End Fri humour ]


 Previous (October 18, 2002)  Index Next (November 01, 2002)