Friday humour - October 18, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   After what took place in Bali last Saturday night, one would have thought
   that the message would finally get through to George Dubya that terrorist
   attacks can never be stopped by carpet bombing any country ... although it
   seems not?  As to what the solution is - well, one would imagine that
   infiltration would be the most obvious way.

   Another may be (shock, horror) to actually do something to address the
   these people's concerns.  Assuming that they're in any way rational, of

   Anyway, let's see if the junk-mail filters silently drop this posting
   because of that comment.   If not, maybe this little quote as just passed
   on by Digitronics Steve will do the trick ...


  "It is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always
  a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a
  fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship."

  "Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the
  leaders.  That is easy.  All you have to do is tell them they are being
  attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing
  the country to danger.  It works the same in any country."

        -- Reichsmarschall Hermann Goering


     Okay, enough stirring.  Onto the humour contributions now - and this
     quickie from sunny QCAT:

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool.  One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, "I slept with your MOTHER!"

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The other says: "Go home, dad - you're drunk."

    Our second offering is from Sarah Buckler and I'll let her introduce it:

    "This one is a genuine hoot.  It was an actual letter sent to a man named
    Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State
    of Michigan."

                           THE PEN VERSUS THE SWORD

 To: Mr. Ryan DeVries
 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339
 SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
 Montcalm County

   Dear Mr. DeVries:

  It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that
there has been recent unauthorised activity on the above referenced parcel of
property.  You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who
did the following unauthorised activity:

  Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.  A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type
of activity.  A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have
been issued.  Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is
in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

  The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations.  We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be permitted.  The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist
all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
channel.  All restoration work shall be completed no later than Jan 31, 2002.

  Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.  Failure to comply
with this request or any further unauthorised activity on the site may result
in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.  We anticipate
and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.  Please feel free
to contact me at this office if you have any questions.


       David L. Price

    [District Representative Land and Water Management Division}


     The response:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County.

   Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond to.

  First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or Contractor
at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.  I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers
are in the (State unauthorised) process of constructing and maintaining two
wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

  While I did not pay for, authorise, nor supervise their dam project, I think
they would be highly offended that you call their skilful use of natures
building materials "debris."

  I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose.  I believe I can safely state
there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.  As to your request, I do not
think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior
to the start of this type of dam activity.

  My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against
my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this
State to conform to said dam request?  If you are not discriminating against
these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request
completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have
been issued.  Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part
301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101
to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

  I have several concerns.  My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation?  The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and
are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide
them with a dam lawyer.  The Department's dam concern that either one or both
of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that
this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.

  In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling their dam names.  If you want the stream "restored"
to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going
to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter,
they being unable to read English.

  In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorised dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream.  They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring
Pond.  If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection
lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers)
and the environment (Beavers' Dams.).

  So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred
for more elevated enforcement action right now.  Why wait until 1/31/2002?  The
Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way
for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

 In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental
quality (health) problem in the area.  It is the bears!  Bears are actually
defecating in our woods.  I definitely believe you should be persecuting the
defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.  If you are going to investigate
the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

  Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you
on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


           Stephen L.Tvedten

       And just before we hit the pics for this week, there was this little
       collection as passed on by Rowan Davidson:

                            QUESTIONS THAT BEG ASKING

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car-pool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going
to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a haemorrhoid when it's in your arse?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

      Onto a few pics now.  First up this week, a cupla very interesting
      links as just passed on by Rosalie Louie:

Stoned spiders: Click here

       With Rosalie's 2nd one, check out esp Chem, Physics and Peace:
Ignobel 2002: Click here

     And from Trevor LaChaMangia over at RAU in South Africa, these two:

(Pics now seem to have disappeared on this first one, which is a pity)
Make WAR: Click here
Latest Kids books:
 Click here

     Eric and Russell have passed on some more web-cams as requested by
     Davo over the last few weeks.  As Eric says, this first one is slow -
     most seem to be off the air:

Every-country-cam (slow!):  Click here

     Russell's one is quick enough - up on the 'ming wing at Monash Uni
     (where I used to sit of an evening and watch the sun set when I
     *really* should've been studying in the engineering library):

Monash cam: Click here

     And a few more from Brett Valentine:

Is this real?  Click here
Cool plate: Click here
Hmmmm ... Click here

     And a few more from Aaron Torpy:

Pssssst ...  Click here
Well, hi ... Click here
Pasta: Click here
Watch it grow: Click here
I love Micro$oft: Click here
The gay lane: Click here
Must have discipline: Click here
How cool are you?  Click here

     Finally, these ones that I found a few weeks ago ...

No, you weren't ... Click here
At the dentist: Click here
Suicide: Click here
Nice bike: Click here
Whurlp ... Click here
Arrgghhh ... Click here

      Over to the beer factory now and this collection from John K:

                                   TRUE STORY

Two weeks ago a speed camera van in Canberra was approached by 4 youths.
Whilst the camera operator was talking to three boys about the van's equipment
and how it works, the fourth boy proceeded to undo the van's front number plate.

They then said good-bye to the operator, went home and fixed the number
plate to their car and proceeded to drive considerably over the speed limit
17 times through the speed camera radar ...

Needless to say, there was considerable embarrassment by Urban services when
the computer posted their own speeding fines to the department.


                              BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL
                               CITY OF  BANKSTOWN
                                MATHEMATICS EXAM

NAME  ............................
GANG  ............................

Time allowed 1 hour

If  Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen
18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the
stock suspension?

If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he
need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?

If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl then steals a
car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many kilometres has he travelled
if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park?

Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00
and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram, what is the street value of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink and
works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week
and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how
much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the auctions?

If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter is
8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula
is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?

Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips.  If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings
can he attend before he has to reload?

If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months
and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants
to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?

If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and
earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job
search allowance?

If Bankstown's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month,
the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what rate are the
Aussies leaving?

Nabil wants to cut his 8 ounces of heroin to make a 20% profit, how many
ounces of cut will he need?

Chang gets $200.00 for stealing a BMW, $150.00 for a Commodore and $100.00 for
a Falcon.  If he has stolen two BMW's and three Falcons, how many Commodores
will he have to steal to make $1,800.00?

If Bilal gets a haircut and gets a number 2 on the sides and a number 3 on top,
then goes back 3 weeks later and gets a number 1 all round, how much has his
hair grown in 3 weeks? (Assume that his hair grows evenly at a rate of 2 mm
per day)

Quang is pimping for three girls.  If the price is $75.00 for the trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his $200
per day crack habit?

If Greg Smith hears the word "yullah" approximately 55 times per hour in
Bankstown Square, How many times will he hear the word "mate" in Penrith Plaza,
if Bankstown has a population of 85,000 and Penrith has a population of 10,000?

If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Leichardt to
Stanmore, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives
need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant at any one given time?

If Ahmed uses 1 kg of "bog" to fix his smashed car, how many cans of spray
paint will he need if Hardware House is selling them for $9.00 each and each
can has 85 mls and the ambient air temperature averages at 22.5 degrees Celsius?

Trinh is in prison for 6 years for murder.  He received $10,00.00 for the
hit.  His common law wife is spending $100.00 per month.  How much money will
be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing
the bitch that spent his money?

If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x golden
cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair
coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm, what is the probability
that the ornaments will be visible from:

2 feet away .....%

5 feet away  .....%

100 feet away  .....%

If Effie's mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2.00 per slice and she wants to
make an extra 10% profit on each slice, how many sheets of filo pastry will
she leave out if the filo pastry costs 62 c a sheet and she normally uses 17
sheets on each tray which she cuts into 16 slices?

Hamul has knocked up 6 girls in his gang.  There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hamul knocked up?

If George has $12,000.00 and buys 2 smashed cars from the auctions, how much
will it cost him to fix them if his friend from school Ahmed is a panel beater
and charges him Habib rates of $40.00 per hour?

If Layla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing her maths
HSC exam to see Julie Wilson's answers, how many degrees will she have to
move her head if Michelle, Linda and Lisa are sitting 1 metre apart from Julie?

         And finally, a couple more from that sunny place of technical
         excellence way up North of here - QCAT:

                             GEORGE CARLIN ON AGING

Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is
when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you
think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"

You're never thirty-six and a half.  You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.  You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.  You
jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!"  You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna
be 16!  And then the greatest day of your life ... you become 21.  Even the
words sound like a ceremony ... you've TURNED 21 ... YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.  Oooohh, what happened there?  Makes you sound like bad
milk.  He TURNED, we had to throw him out.  There's no fun now, you're justa
sour-dumpling.  What's wrong?  What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa!  Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.  Before you know it, you
REACH 50 ... and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!  You MAKE it to 60.  You didn't think you would!  So you BECOME 21,
TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!  After that it's a day-by-day
thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.  And it doesn't end there.  Into the 90s,
you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens.  If you make it over 100, you become a little
kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!


                             HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1.  Throw out non-essential numbers.  This includes age, weight and height.
    Let the doctor worry about them.  That is why you pay him/her.

2.  Keep only cheerful friends.  The grouches pull you down.

3.  Keep learning.  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening ...
    whatever.  Never let the brain idle.   "An idle mind is the devil's
    workshop."  And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4.  Enjoy the simple things.

5.  Laugh often, long and loud.  Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6.  The tears happen.  Endure, grieve, and move on.  The only person who is
    with us our entire life, is ourselves.  Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7.  Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes,
    music, plants, hobbies, whatever.  Your home is your refuge.

8.  Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.  If it is unstable,
    improve it.  If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9.  Don't take guilt trips.  Take a trip to the mall, to the next county,
    to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.


  Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
  that take our breath away.
[ End Friday humour ]

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