Friday humour - October 11, 2002

     From Davo at bluehaze:


Greetings and g'day from "the world's most liveable city"!  If you don't
believe this have a look at:

   Click here (Warning: takes forever to load, with Netscape anyway - Ed)


And talking of the Coca Cola Cable News Network our Perth readers from
Waterford (who seem to call this Thursday Night Humour) can watch CNNNN -
tonight (ie Thursdays) on our ABC at 8:30 pm.  It's a great send up of
what is done on so many world news channels that seem to be popping up
everywhere.  It really puts intended serious news broadcasting on a
different plane.  Anyone who has watched Fox News Channel would instantly
get the joke.

Please keep sending in interesting sites - (and webcams!)  -  This one came
in from QCAT and you are warned that SBS does advise viewing by mature
adults - preferably with the sound down ... way down ...

        Click here

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First up a couple from Ty

                              MOTHER-IN-LAW

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family
including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were
visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the Consulate Office to
make arrangements to send the body back home for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that
the sending of a body back home for burial is very, very expensive. It could
cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person
responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in
Jerusalem. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost
to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law
very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago
of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose
from the dead! I just can't take that chance.


    -------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------


                               LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and going into
the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
"Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely
contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly ...

"MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND......" Mummy tells him to slow
down. She wants to hear the story.

So little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then
Daddy..."

At this point, Mummy cuts him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting
story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the
look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing,
laying down on the seat, and ... "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same
thing Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

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   Three quickies to go from Allnutts

                                FOOTY FACT

Two boys are playing football in a Melbourne park, when one is attacked by a
Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby
fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy. "Blues fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts
writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Blues fan," the boy replies.

"Tigers fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts
again.

"I'm not a Tigers fan either, " the boy says.

"Then what are you?" the reporter says.

"I'm a Collingwood fan"

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Low life bastard
kills family pet".

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   From Stevo who has been "fishing" in Queensland these last two weeks
   and is yet to even catch a cold ...

                           HOW OLD IS GRANDPA?

Stay with this - the answer is at the end - it will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at
schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The granddad replied, "Well, let me think a minute.  I was born before
television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses,
Frisbees and the pill.

There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had
not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and
the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked
on the moon.

Your grandmother and I got married first-and then lived together. Every
family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir' - and after I turned
25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir.'

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers,
and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good
judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between
right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger
privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a
meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers
were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt,
or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the
President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid
blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term
'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut,
McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 and 10 cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10
cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were
all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel
on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad,
because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was
a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music"
was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's
office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware
store, and "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a
husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say
there is a generation gap. .. and how old do you think I am ???. . . . . . .

This man would be only 58 years old.

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   From Little Di

                   THAT IS WHAT THE CHEMIST IS FOR

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to
get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they
pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist:

"We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.

    -------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------


   From Mrs Next Door, Olivine:

                      THE BLONDE (variation on The Jew!)

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.

She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,

I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she
still has no luck.

Once again, she prays...

"My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my
car.  My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have
always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one
time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this ... buy a ticket."

    -------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------


   And from Sunny QCAT ...

                             THE WEAKEST LINK

Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly. You can't
take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how
clever you really are. Ready? go!!!


First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?


Answer:

If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you
overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not
to screw up in the next question.


To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the
first question.


Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?


Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

You're not very good at this are you?


Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another
1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

      xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your
day. Maybe you will get the last question right?


Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What
is the name of the fifth daughter?


Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.


You ARE the WEAKEST LINK!!!!!! Good-bye!!!

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This weeks graphics come from Rosalie, Mad Mick, Haydn, Steve and QCAT.


Piggies' revenge Click here

Shy channelling Click here

Euro droop Click here

Billboards Click here

Long wait Click here

What a waste Click here

After the game Click here

Cool plate Click here

Monkeying around Click here

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    Back to some ASCII now, from Kerosene Steve

                            "GREEK MOTHER"

A young Greek man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he
is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over
3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother
agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess
which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Greek mother replies "Because I don't like her."

    -------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------


                           NO-WIN SITUATION

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment
building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out,
when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the
edge, plummeting towards her death. "Oh, shit!" the woman thought, "what a
stupid way to die."

Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the
air, catching the woman. Delirious from shock, the woman shouted, "Oh, thank
you! You saved my life, thank you!" The man replied, "Do you suck?" Stunned
at this, the woman said, "No, I don't suck!" And with that, the man let go
of her.

"Shit!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another
set of arms grabbed her at the 9th floor. "Thank God!" she screamed. "I
would have died if it weren't for you!" The man asked, "Do you fuck?"
Absolutely aghast, the woman answered, "No, I don't fuck!" Once again, the
arms that held her safe were no longer there.

Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set
of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman
shouted, "I suck! I fuck!"

"Slut," the man said, and dropped her.

    -------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------


   And from Biggus (who adds "This is what I have to put up with!")
   [Jealousy's a curse  -Ed]

                       THE TRUTH ABOUT COLLINGWOOD

Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps????
They had pictures of Collingwood players on them. People couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Collingwood
jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save
his family from the embarrassment.

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, "Accountants
are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside
them is numbered." The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order." Third surgeon says, "Try
electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded." The fourth one says,
"I prefer Collingwood fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their
heads and bums are interchangeable."


Q. What is a Collingwood fan's worst nightmare?
A. A 3rd Rocca brother (or a set shot, straight in front, 30 out).

Q. If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to
   hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.

Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. What do you have when 100 Collingwood fans are buried up to their necks
   in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead
   Collingwood fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Collingwood fan.
   You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the Collingwood fan twice.

Q. What's the difference between Tony Shaw and a jet engine?
A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.

Q. How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and Tony Shaw to say that
   if the umpire had done his job in the first place the light bulb would
   never have gone out.

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      From Minnesota Scott:

                 21 SLICES OF HUMOUR THAT TOUCH ON TRUTH!

1. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

2. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

3. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

4. Conscience is what hurts when everything else seems to feel good.

5. Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.

6. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
   there.

7. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be
   changed regularly and for the same reason.

8. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
   fears it is true.

9. There will always be death and taxes, however, death doesn't get worse
   every year.

10. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

11. Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

12. I am a nutritional overachiever.

13. I am having an out of money experience.

14. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

15. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you
    stopped laughing.

16. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

17. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
    ask you the questions.

18. The real art of conversation is not only saying the right thing at the
    right time, but also leaving the wrong thing unsaid, when tempted.

19. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

20. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age arrives alone.

21. Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

    -------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------O-------

                           Thought for the Week

    "You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year
     of conversation."
                                                     - Plato
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[ End Fri humour ]


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