Friday humour - October 04, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          Gidday,
     And yet another week has almost rolled away as we all quietly ponder
     the antics of George Dublya and Anthony Blair as they try to wind up
     enough world opinion to bomb the hell out of Iraq for possessing lots
     of biological weapons that the U.S. sold them 15 years ago whilst they
     were (briefly) best of friends.  An all too common tactic, that - when
     the economy gets a bit shaky or the population get a bit depressed,
     start a war.  Gets your elector's minds off the local issues which seem
     too hard to solve (and off world issues such as terrorist groups who
     they can't seem to track down ... where are you, Bin - hmmmm?).

     I do rave on sometimes - on with da humour!  A bit clumped this week,
     as in "several jokes from a small number of contributors" ... John from
     the factory of alcoholic stupor, Joe from the bubbley Rinso suds place,
     Maria the Harding, and a few from Trevor, a new contributor over in
     South Africa.  He's currently doing Computer Science at RAU near
     Johannesburg - Click here - he stumbled onto this archive during a

     boring session one afternoon.

     First up, though, it's another collection from the old malt-house.  Over
     to John K ...
                           ----------------------------


                                  A SAD TALE

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital.  They tell him his wife's been in a
terrible car accident.  He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says
his wife's been in an accident.  They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case.

They page the doctor.  He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly
upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened?  How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news.  Your wife's accident
resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable.  However, her spine is inoperable.
She'll have no motor skills or capability.  This means you will have to feed
her for the rest of her life."

Mr. Jones begins to shake, and tears come into his eyes.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to change her, as she'll
have no control over her bladder, and of course the nappies must be changed
at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones now rips at his hair and writhes, screams, sobs, and wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on a regular
basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters.  Her bowel will engorge
whenever and quite often I'm afraid.  Of course you must clean her immediately
to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither
off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.

"Hey, man - I'm just messing with you ... she's really dead".

                          ----====#===#===#===----


                            VISITING GRANDFATHER

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of the state he lived in.  After spending the night, his grandfather
prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.  The man noticed
a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are
these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get
them so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch,
he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, that looked like dried
egg yokes

So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says , "I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them - now don't ask
me about it any more!"

Later that afternoon, the man was on his way out to dinner in a nearby
town.  As he was leaving, his Grandfather's dog started to growl and would
not let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game his Grandfather was
watching, he shouted "Coldwater, get your arse out of the way!"

                         ----====#===#===#===----


              IF YOU'RE A PARENT, YOU MAY RELATE TO THIS ...

  (True story.)

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection.  A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun,
crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our
backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at
my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again
for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.  It was the first and only time I have
sprinted with my tongue protruding.  With a washcloth in each hand I did the
sort of routine shoeshine boys do - only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now
you know why they call that mustard "Poupon.'"

                         ----====#===#===#===----


                               FRANK THE GAY

Gay Frank goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.  The doctor
comes back and says, "Frank, I am not going to beat around the bush.  You
have AIDS".

Frank is devastated and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor tells Frank, "I want you to go home and eat five pounds of spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, twenty unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
ten Jalapeno peppers, forty walnuts and forty peanuts, half a box of Grapenuts
Cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune Juice".

Frank asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

The doctor answers, "No ... but it should leave you with a better understanding
of what your arse is for".

                         ----====#===#===#===----


                       AUSTRALIA'S MOST INTELLIGENT ...

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4
parachutes.

The first passenger said "I'm David Beckham, the best football player in
England, Posh and England need me, I can't afford to die..."  So he took the
first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former
President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world,
and I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President."  She took
the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Howard, said, "I am the Prime Minister of Australia,
I have a great responsibility being the leader of a great nation.  And above
all I'm the most intelligent Prime Minister in Australian history, so
Australia's people won't want me to die".  So he put on the pack next to him
and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger - The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old
school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a good
Christian, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The boy said, "It's okay, your holiness - there's a parachute left for you.
Australia's most intelligent Prime Minister has taken my school backpack."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Okay - we'll be back after this short pictorial break.  Another good
    collection this week, starting with a cupla JPEGs from Maria the Harding:

The sublime ...  Click here
and the ridiculous ... Click here

    Harrers is still enjoying a break over in Europe (mainly) and he posted
    this pic of himself over in frogland to Nikki ...

Harrers in frogland: Click here

    Aaron (one of our students working over in microscopy) sent these over:

Dick's? Click here
To the rescue!  Click here
Nice beer ... uh Click here
S'ok - stay asleep Click here
Oops ... Click here

    Another Brett Valentine collection.  This first group is a bit sickly
    but nonetheless fascinating ...

Spider bite #1  Click here
Spider bite #2  Click here
Spider bite #3  Click here
Spider bite #4  Click here
Spider bite #5  Click here
Spider bite #6  Click here
Spider bite #7  Click here
Spider bite #8  Click here

    Brett also passed these two movies on ...

Dog Rescue: Click here
Horny: Click here

    I've left Brett's best till last (some of you may get stuck there for
    days) ...

Best of Hugh H's little mag (since gone): Click here

    We did have this one a cupla months ago, but not with a caption.  Passed
    on by Olivine:

What do you say ... Click here

    And Rosalie Louie passed these on ...

I can ... Click here
How come ... Click here
I oppose everything ...  Click here
Bin runnin' ...  Click here
Bin Bin ... where are you ... ?  Click here
Praise be to ...  Click here
That's odd ... Click here

    Sarah Buckler thought you may enjoy this li'l Ikea advert ... !

Aha ... gotcha ... err, ooops ...  Click here

    Finally, a few more classic Don Martin's that I found back in September
    (and as usual, sorry about the lousy quality):

Out of the bath: Click here
How's the soup? Click here
CUT! Click here
Time for lunch: Click here
Help with a move: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      That's plenty of pics for one week - and a big cheerio to Dave Rand's
      colleagues and mates in the UK who apparently got a big kick out of
      the pics from a cupla weeks or so ago, so he tells me ...
      Talking of which (the UK, that is), here's one from Joe Muscat:
                           ----------------------------

                          MORE FOOTBALL (SOCCER) QUOTES ...

      Ron Atkinson classics...

"He can't speak Turks, but you can tell he's delighted."

"The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes
around, if they're not careful."

"There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight."

"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but
I can see why - it's because he's a bit different.  They are both called Steve."

"In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.  But leukemia is worse
still.  Probably."

"Despite his white boots, he has real pace and aggression."

"Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late 20s or 30s and
sometimes not even then.  Or so it would appear.  To me anyway.  Don't you
think the same?"

"The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the
starting line-up today.  There were others as well."

"The ref was vertically 15 yards away.  He has a moustache."

"England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second
to none."

"The tide is very much in our court now."

"It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket.  Every time there's a tackle,
up pops a yellow card.  I'm talking metaphysically now of course."

"I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at
half-time.  And not for the reasons that you're thinking of Clive."

"The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this
match or lose it or draw it even."

"I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona.  You seen the
pictures as well Clive.  Like an acorn I tells ya, just like an acorn."

"I know what is around the corner.  I just don't know where the corner is."

"You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw."

" ... using his strength.  And that is his strength, his strength.  You could
say that that's his strong point."

"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose.  It's up to
them, the tide is in their court now."

"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's
totally different.  The red light district is still the same mind you.  Though
it's a lot bigger.  And more expensive.  I prefer Hamburg, more variety.  There
are these ladies there with fully formed moustaches ... know what I mean?"

"Argentina are the second-best team in the world, and there's no higher praise
than that."

"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly
came off."

"The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game."

"That decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely wrong."

"I think Ron will be pulling him off at half time and no mistakin'."

"You'd think the Moroccans would have learnt their lesson by now.  You can't
win games without scoring goals."

"You'd think the Cameroonians would have learnt their lesson now.  You can't
get very far with such brutal tackles.  It's just not cricket you know."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And here's a cupla quick classics from Maria the Harding ...
                           ----------------------------

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.  He goes to see his
doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of
extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the
phone by his bed rings.  "This is your doctor.  We've had the results back
from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus which is
extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cries the man.  He's in a panic now. "What are you going to
do, doctor?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under
the door."

                       ----====#===#===#===----

On a hot summer day, a farmer and his dog were riding in a wagon pulled by
two horses.  After riding several miles, one of the horses said, "Whew, sure
is hot today."

The farmer, obviously suprised, said aloud, "Damn, I didn't know horses could
talk!"

To which the dog replied, "Neither did I."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     I mentioned earlier that I'd been chatting to a Comp Sci student from
     Johannesburg (Trevor) who came across this humour archive whilst surfing
     around the 'net.  He just posted this trio of items to us as he dashed
     off to an exam, so here y'go ...
                           ----------------------------

Mugabe dies and goes to heaven.  When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that
he is not on the list and he does not belong in heaven.

Mugabe must go to hell.

So Mugabe goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him
to make himself at home.

Then Mugabe notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan,
who says, "No problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked.

St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.  Finally one
comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel
says to the other, "My word, look at that!  Mugabe has been in hell no more
than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

                       ----====#===#===#===----

It was a blonde's first plane trip.

Boarding the aircraft, she found herself a window seat in a non-smoking area
and settled in.  A man came over and insisted that she was in his seat.

She told him to go away.

"Okay", replied the man. "If that's the way you want it, you fly the 'plane."

                         ----====#===#===#===----

   This might not be very suitable, but it is a fairly over the top
   generalisation of life in SA today.  On second thought ... all these
   items are true.

               YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN SOUTH AFRICA WHEN ...

The main headline of the evening TV news is the opinion of an unemployed
squatter who spik inglish no good and dimunds that the head of Anglo American
resigns or faces the consequences.

The police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle of the
night, but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police station.

People would rather be killed in their beds than live in some country where
they would have to make them themselves.

You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.

The Student Union dimunds that academic achievement shouldn't be a criterion
for university acceptance, as it is discriminatory.

Landlords may not evict illegal squatters unless they offer them alternative
accommodation.

Protest-marching strikers trash everything in their path and that's okay,
but a peaceful gay rights march is condemned.

Post Office workers are videotaped opening the mail and stealing the contents,
but the film may not be used in evidence because the workers were not informed
that they were being filmed and filming is an intrusion on their privacy.

A government Minister is caught driving her car with a forged license, but
the case is dropped for "lack of evidence".

A minister of religion who stole millions from overseas-donated funds for
the oppressed, returns to the country to a hero's welcome and is officially
welcomed by the government, represented by the Minister of Justice.

Government ministers meet with masked gang leaders to ask their advice on
how to reduce crime and vowlence.

Scholars protest at the lack of schooling facilities by destroying school
buildings.

Two tourist athletes are murdered in their beds and the President says it
won't affect tourism.

The entire country sees a thug admit on TV news to murdering several people,
but the police say they have no case.

Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.

Your insurance is higher than the repayments on your car.

You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.

Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.

People start joking about the crime rate.

The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.

You paint your car's registration number on the roof in large letters.

Afrikaans TV programmes are separated by a Xhosa announcement of the following
Afrikaans programme, and a Zulu advert.

Minister is fired and returns the government bat-phone, but keeps the
B-number-plated Bee-Em.

The currency takes a dive, and the previous government gets the blame.

Students from Vaal Driehoek Technikon dimund that their debt is written off
. . . At Pretoria Technikon.

A 45-year-old engineer is replaced by a 25-year-old who cannot write his
own name.

The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.

10% of the city's population pays for everyone else's electricity and water
supply, and get prosecuted if they refuse to pay.

A murderer gets a 2-year sentence and a pirate TV viewer a 6-month sentence.

The Constitutional Court declares the death sentence unconstitutional, but
rules that abortion is okay.

The prisoners strike.

Crime actually DOES pay.

People are allowed to reclaim land (for free) that's been bought from their
forefathers.

The government GIVES people houses, and they complain by setting fire to them.

You can't even go on a business trip to OZ without somebody asking knowingly:
Oh, having a look around, are you?

You realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest
of the world.

They bring in the innovative idea of selling scratch cards to alleviate
congestion in post office queues.

You are expected to carry a driver's licence that doesn't fit into your wallet.

You have to prove you don't need a loan to get one.

A shop clerk makes you feel as if he / she is doing you a favour by letting
you buy from their shop.

The fact that there is an election and people are standing in line waiting
to vote is more important than the result of the election.

The most popular vehicle is a 4X4 designed for driving in snow (the reason for
this may be the vast amount of mid-summer snow that you see in all Christmas
decorations).

You no longer request anything, you "DIMUND" it.

You know what "vowlence" is.

People tell you that they wouldn't live anywhere else because the weather is
so bad over there.

A minibus taxi passes you, just to stop right in front of you.

Where the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has right of way.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

  [ BTW, Trevor has a bit of a web page (experimental - done for a project)
    here:  Click here ]

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[ End Friday humour ]



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