Friday humour - September 27, 2002

     From Davo at bluehaze:

   Yo and G'day on Grand Final Eve!

   All eyes in Melbourne on Saturday will be directed towards the MCG where
   the young upstart Collingwood Magpies challenge the juggernaut that is
   the Brisbane Lions.

   Floreat Pica!

   (May the Magpies Prosper)

   If you decide to visit this site (passed on from our friends at sunny QCAT)
   make sure you are alone ... or at least have the sound turned down ...
   Be warned!

     Click here

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    First off, something from British McNickers ...

                         SCOTTISH HOSPITALITY

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his
car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked
on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. My car has conked
out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?" "Why, right here of
course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous

The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence. "Fiona," shouted
the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his
beautiful daughter appeared. "Fiona, make a meal for the gentleman and
remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."

The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed
spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest. "And now,"
said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the coos, but just
make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about
seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had had her on floor and
was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He
took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He
dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his
wrath. "After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he
roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold

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       And one from the irrepressible Dave Allnutt:

                            HEAVEN & HELL

An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St Peter at the
Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling

"Don't worry about that," says St Peter, "it's only someone having the holes
bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what's happening"?

"Not to worry," says St Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to
fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Yes, but I've already got the holes for that."

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    Now, before the break, put your head around this from Kero Steve:

                              ARE YOU A PSYCHO?

This is a psychological test. Do not scroll down to look at the answer. Here
it goes:

The main character in the story is a girl. When she was at the funeral of
her mother, she saw a striking man who also attended. She did not know who
he was and did not have the courage to speak with him. He seemed to be her
dream guy and, in this "encounter," she fell in love with him. A few days
later the girl killed her own sister. When the Police asked her why she did
it, she gave a shocking answer. What was her motive for killing her sister?

          [the motive is revealed after the graphics]

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    This weeks graphics come from Beryl, KeroSteve, Ty, Daisy, Rowan,
    Trina, Brett and others ...

Walk tall Click here

Big boy Click here

Truly shagged Click here

Watch out for the puddle Click here

Personalised plates Click here

Guess who? Click here

The man in charge! Click here

Like father like son Click here

T-shirt Click here

Best of friends Click here

Bikini brief Click here

Maths test Click here

Parliamentary Pictures presents ...  Click here

Swingin' Granny Click here

Fractured words Click here

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   Back to ASCII, and the answer to Steve's "Are you a psycho?" test ...

Answer: She was hoping that the man would appear at the sister's funeral. If
you answered this correctly, go to the police and tell them to lock you up.
This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has
the same mentality as a killer. Many imprisoned serial killers took this
test and answered it correctly. If you didn't answer correctly - good for
you. If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your

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           More from Steve ...


Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest
said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can
speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You
may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the
food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably for the best", said the Priest, "You've done fuck-all but moan
since you got here"

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An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their
wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to
place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of

"Good God !! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any".

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake
of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear"

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman !! You've no
knickers ---- why not?"

She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me"

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds,
go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoot, Lassie! Why d'ye
have no knickers?"

She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able
to afford any"

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's
a COMB, tidy yourself up a bit !"

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                      NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A WOMAN

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more
than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now
listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket
with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished
the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the
wife said,

"Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and
put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they
rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband."

She said, "Listen, I'm a GOOD Woman, I can't go back on my word. I promised
him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque."

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                           QUOTE OF THE WEEK

  "If what America represents to the world is leadership in a commonwealth
   of equals, then our friends are legion; if what we represent to the world
   is empire, then it is our enemies who will be legion."

   - Al Gore
       [The Guy who may have been President had the US Supreme
        Court allowed all the votes to be counted in 2000.]

       The full text of Gore's speech can be read at ...

 Click here

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FH Addendum ... A song for Saturday!
 Click here

[ End Fri humour ]

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