Friday humour - September 20, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Gidday,
     I should thank Davo for pitching in and once again doing 2 weeks in a
     row just now.  You are a life saver sometimes, Ian - always ready to
     chip in for the important things in life (like this jokes list :-)
     One of the more under-rated guys in our fair workplace ...

     And a big welcome to our newish recipients, too - those that have joined
     us over the past year or two.  The number of direct recipients on this
     humour mailout hasn't grown that enormously, mind you - it now stands at
     164 - but one such recipient is now Woz's humour list out in the ol' west
     (of Oz) and that expands into quite a few bods on its own behalf.

     I realise some of you pass some (or all) of it onto your own friends -
     it's not a bad way of keeping in touch.  Most of our (ex)scientists at
     CSIRO Minerals who've been on the list since 1996 (but who've have been
     "given the push" as a result of Peter Reith's wonderful new industrial
     reforms) are still in there too, I'm pleased to say.

     Okay - here's some great humour to start things off this week from
     Maria the Harding (2 of, in fact):
                           --------------------------

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming.  He saw Jesus
walking by and caught his attention.  "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I
run an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive.  Ask about their background, their
family, and their lives.  Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.  The first
person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.  Jesus summoned him to the
interview table and sat across from him.

Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward.

"Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son?  Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

                     ----====#---#---#====----

                      WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT

1.  My tyre was thumping,
    I thought it was flat.
    When I looked at the tyre,
    I noticed your cat.
    Sorry.

2.  Heard your wife left you,
    How upset you must be.
    But don't fret about it.
    She moved in with me.

3.  Looking back over the years
    That we've been together,
    I can't help but wonder ...
    What the hell was I thinking?

4.  Congratulations on your wedding day!
    Too bad no one likes your husband.

5.  How could two people as beautiful as you
    Have such an ugly baby?

6.  I've always wanted to have
    Someone to hold, someone to love.
    After having met you ...
    I've changed my mind.

7.  I must admit you brought Religion into my life.
    I never believed in Hell till I met you.

8.  As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am ...
    That you're not here to ruin it for me.

9.  Congratulations on your promotion.
    Before you go, would you like to take
    this knife from my back?
    You'll probably need it again.

10. Some day I hope to get married.
    But not to you.

11. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ...
    Almost lifelike!

12. When we were together,
    You always said you'd die for me.
    Now that we've broken up,
    I think it's time you kept your promise.

13. We have been friends
    For a very long time ...
    What say we stop?

14. I'm so miserable without you ...
    It's almost like you're here.

15. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
    Did you ever find out who the father was?
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And this quickie comes from John the Klimek over at the old
        malt factory (a la CUB ... as in Fosters, and now grapes):
                           --------------------

When the driver of a huge semi trailer lost control of his rig, he ploughed
into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.  He climbed down from the
wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a
crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some
kind of creamy substance on it.  Then they began fitting the pieces together.
In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and
looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the foreman. "What was the white
stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The foreman said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Up to the north of Oz now, to the land of sugar cane and sunshine
      and QCAT inventions, and this collection of four ...
                           --------------------

                            PADDY PISSED AGAIN

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night
celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany.  Mick, the bartender says, "You'll
not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.  He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the
door and some fresh air he'll be fine.  He belly crawls to the door and shimmies
up to the door frame.  He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of
fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.  He falls
flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.  He can see his house just a few
doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the
door and shimmies inside.  He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'
way".  He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to
the bed."  He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.  He says
"Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee
and says, "Get up Paddy.  Did you have a bit to drink last night?".  Paddy says,
"I did Jess.  I was fockin' p*ssed.  But how'd you know?"

"Mick called.  You left your wheelchair at the pub."

                     ----====#---#---#====----

       ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM CLASSIFIED SECTIONS OF CITY NEWSPAPERS

Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once, you'll never go
anywhere again.

Our experienced Mum will care for your child.  Fenced yard, meals, and smacks
included.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.

3 year old teacher needed for pre-school.  Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion.  Blue Cross
and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.

Great Dames for sale.

                        ----====#---#---#====----

                                 HEAVEN

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car
crash.  They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the
wife's neurotic interest in health food.  When they reached the pearly gates,
St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much this was going
to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed
up to.  They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course
changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.  The old
man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the
cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven.  It's free!"

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked
timidly.

"Ah, that's the best part!  You can eat as much as you like of whatever you
like and you never get fat and you never get sick.  This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins.
"I could have been here ten years ago

                        ----====#---#---#====----

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a
cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.  Unable to find it,
he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.  He opened the
drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top
of a framed picture of another man.  Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

The girl replied, "That's just me before the operation."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    To the pics.  First up, from Lachlan of South Kensington (where Lachlan
    landlords dare not stray) this lovely idea for your dear departed ones ...

What to do with the ashes of a dead relation?  Click here

    Shorty found a great site for all those Pythonphiles out there who
    desperately need to know the words to those Monty Python songs ...

Python bookmark: Click here

    Some Don Martin I recently came across (and if you don't know who Don
    Martin is, worry not - just enjoy).  Apologies for the quality of some
    of these - you may have to squint a bit on a couple of 'em ...

In the dungeon:  Click here
Next, please:  Click here
Puff, snap, krak:  Click here
Crossing:  Click here
Got your tongue?  Click here

    Cupla SWF files sent in by Digitronics Steve.  First one is BIG (in more
    ways than one) and may take 30 secs or more to load, but still worth the
    wait (if you're a guy, or even a slightly bent chick) ... :-)

Boobs: Click here
Urinal etiquette: Click here

    And another Brett Valentine collection ...
Outfit angle 1: Click here
Outfit angle 2: Click here
Outfit angle 3: Click here
Outfit angle 4: Click here

    This one's from QCAT (and biggish - it's a movie):
Another Bud advert ... Click here

    And one from Malisja, our very own blonde ...
Blondes print by ... Click here

    Aaron Torpy contributed a few this week - this is one of them ...
Poor Santa: Click here

    And finally (for this week), a couple from Mad Mick of East Cheam:
We always knew ... Click here
Company picnic: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay, lurching back to the ASCII now for a final blast, we've got
       a couple of recent contributions from Biggus McCallum:
                           --------------------

A murder has been committed.  Police are called to an apartment and find a man
standing, holding a five-iron in his hands, staring at the lifeless body of
a woman on the ground.  The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes.  Yes, I did," the man answers.  He stifles a sob, drops the club, and
puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know," said the man, "Five, six.  Put me down for a five."

                        ----====#---#---#====----

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech and walks
out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.

They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one
question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you,
I will do.

The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it there are
Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs.  He is very upset.  He
doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's
because it takes place in the future ..."

                        ----====#---#---#====----

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."  He rings
the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.  The guy goes
into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I
wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no
time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, 'cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down.  So I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dope dealings
there, thwarted a couple of hijackings and was responsible for the arrest of
several terrorists.  If only I hadn't been out in California and instead had
been at the right airport on 9-11 ... Anyway, I was promoted to GS-13 and
awarded a batch of medals.  Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired."

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing.  Why on
earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "I'm sick of his lies."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        One more very quick one from sunny QCAT before we cross back to
        the old malt factory to close up for the week:
                           --------------------

                                   KIDS

Two Arabs are chatting.  One of them has his wallet out and is flipping
through pictures.

"Yeah, this is my oldest.  He's a martyr.  And this is my second son.
 He's a martyr too."

There's a pause ...

The second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And to finish out FH for this Oz spring week, two more from that
        prolific passer-on-er of all things humorous - John at CUB:
                           --------------------

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence.
One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out
of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me.  One for you,
one for me," said one boy.

Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.  Another boy came riding
along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he thought he heard voices from
inside the cemetery.  He slowed down to investigate.  Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord
dividing the souls at the cemetery.  He jumped back on his bike and rode
off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.  "Come here
quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard.  Satan and the Lord are
down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.  Standing by
the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.  Let's see if we
can see the devil himself."  Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter
and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.  At last they heard,
"One for you, one for me.  And one last one for you.  That's all, now let's
go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

The old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

                        ----====#---#---#====----

                 RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1.  Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then
    comes good food and companionship.  She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2.  We also sleep in separate beds.  Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3.  I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4.  I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.  "Somewhere I
    haven't been in a long time!" she said.  So I suggested the kitchen.

5.  We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.

6.  She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
    maker.  Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit
    down!"  So I bought her an electric chair.

7.  My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
    the carburetor.  I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the Lake."

8.  She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off.

9.  She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
    garbage?"  The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember.  Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault.  My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
    I said, "Dust."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



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