Friday humour - September 13, 2002

     From Davo at bluehaze:


G'day and Yo

Now that we have September 11 safely out of the way, time for some Friday
funnies.

The only webcam submitted was from JJ - which is the surfcam of the West.
Not bad but we'd like to see things from even further afield.  He also sent
the Perth traffic-cam but it appears they don't have any (traffic) in the
Western Capital.

                Click here

I particularly like this one sent to me by Johnny Electron in Toledo on
the shores of Lake Erie in Toledo, Ohio.  No - it's not a view of one of
the great lakes.  It's a 24 hour webcam of their Mudhens' baseball
stadium.  At least you can see the Toledo lights in the background.

       Click here

btw - The Toledo Mudhens have been around for about the same time as the
Carlton Blues - but are the current champions.  And I'm advised that they
are all males (well mostly).

We'd also like to know of any interesting, and possible funny, websites
that we all could visit.  Thanks to whoever (probably KeroSteve) who sent
in the mini golf game site.  My golf is improving so much I'm getting
several holes in one.  Mind you - not that I play at work ...

And The Age's Quick Trivia Quiz has taken on a new look.  Give it a go.

             Click here

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   First up this week, this one from British Knickers

                           ONE DAY DOWN SOUTH...

At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting
their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from
Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock
show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil
patch from the Middle East.

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the
discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that
the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The
cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips
his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows
tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once
my people were many, Now we are few."

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few,
"he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the
darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys
and Muslims yet."

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   From David Finn

    This comes straight out of the HIH hearing going on at present...

HIH Royal Commission. Day 131. Wayne Martin QC examining Raymond Reginald
Williams.

Martin: "Could you tell us please if, on your frequent first-class trips to
London, you booked the seat next to you for your briefcase?"

Williams: "I don't recall specifically. But that may have been the case, on
some occasions."

Martin: "That your briefcase was also travelling first class?"

Williams: "That may have been the case."

Martin: "Did you express the view to Qantas that this briefcase should be
eligible for frequent flier points ?"

Williams: "I can't recall that."

Martin: "And were you subsequently informed that said briefcase would not be
eligible for such points on the grounds that it was not, in fact, a person?"

Williams: "That may have been the airline's position on that issue."

Martin: "Was that briefcase, from that point on, booked under the name of
Casey Williams?"

Williams: "Casey Reginald Williams, AM."

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   A contribution from Kerosene Steve

                            COMPUTER MAGIC

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I think I
should go see the Doctor!"

His friend immediately replied, "Don't do that.  There's a new computer
at the drugs store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than the
doctor. Simply put in a sample of urine and the computer will diagnose the
problem and tell you what to do."

Pete, figuring that he had nothing to lose, filled a jar with his pee, went
to the drugs store where he found the computer and deposited his sample and
the computer started making a few noises and some lights started to flash.
After a brief pause, out popped a small piece of paper which read: YOU HAVE
TENNIS ELBOW, SOAK YOUR ARM IN WATER THREE TIMES A DAY FOR AN HOUR. AVOID
HEAVY LABOUR. YOUR ELBOW WILL GET BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.

That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was and
how it could change the world of medicine forever, he began to wonder if the
computer could be fooled. He decided to try. He mixed together some tap
water, engine oil from his car, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and, at the last minute, masturbated into the
concoction. He went back to the store, deposited the sample and paid his
money.

After the noises and lights, out popped a piece of paper, which read: YOUR
TAP WATER IS HARD, GET A SOFTENER. THE VALVES ON YOUR ENGINE ARE STUFFED,
GET IT TO A GARAGE. YOUR DOG HAS WORMS, GET HIM TO A VET. YOUR DAUGHTER IS
HOOKED ON COCAINE, GET HER TO REHAB. YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS, THEY
ARE NOT YOURS, GET A LAWYER. AND IF YOU DON'T STOP WANKING, YOUR ELBOW WILL
NEVER GET BETTER.

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   This weeks non-ascci stuff is from Deanna, Lars, Trina, Daisy, Steve K,
   Haydn, and you know who you are ...


D & M Click here

She goes, she goes Click here

Target practice Click here

Beware of the cow Click here

Safe driving Click here

The perfect woman Click here

The sequel Click here

Blow job Click here

Sudden death Click here

Making his mark Click here

It's all about oil! Click here

Marriage Click here

Most accidents occur ... Click here

Just Testing Click here

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    Back to ASCII with something from Trina

                          SEX ED 60*S STYLE

This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls,
printed in the early 60's in the UK.

When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as
possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired
husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for
his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve
a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply
face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking
to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it
is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your
commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then
so be it. In all things be led by your husband's wishes; do not pressure him
in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then
agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more
important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small
moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate
any enjoyment that you may have had. Should your husband suggest any of the
more unusual practices, be obedient and uncomplaining but register any
reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then
fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your
night-time face and haircare products. You may then set the alarm so that
you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to
have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

Ahhhhhh the good ol days - happy for some anyway!

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   More footy stuff from Steve [redacted]

                               THE STUD

Gary Ayres noticed that his star player, Wayne Carey, had so many women
hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.  So one day,
after practice, Ayres asked Wayne, " Just what the hell is your secret with
the women?"

So Carey replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always
whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I
can screw  'em forever!"

Ayres decided that this was a good idea so one day he left training early.
When he got home he heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of
opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.


His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you Wayne?"


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And finally here's the new version of the Port Adelaide team sent in by a
Crows supporter ...

                          PORT POWER CLUB SONG

We've got the Power to choke,
We are such a joke,
C'Mon Port Adelaide pretenders.
We are the losers from Port,
We should give up this sport,
'Cause it seems we can't win a final.


We're such a flop, flop, flop
Let's just stop, stop, stop!
There's embarrassment here in the making.
Forget Port Adelaide Proud,
We're just obnoxious and loud,
As a contender, we really have been faking,
A final we cannot win,
It's too hard - let's give in,
Lets go home and have a cup of cocoa.


On us the Magpies did romp,
We belong in the lo-cal comp,
This may be our very darkest hour,
September 6 if you saw us,
Just grab your thesaurus,
Look up chokers it now says PORT POWER

PORT POWER!!!

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For those who have got to this point (you must be desperate) here is the
URL of Perth traffic-cam that JJ sent in.  I'm sure if you watch long
enough you will probably be able to count at least 50 cars!

           Click here


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Quote of the Week:

   "What message is sent to countries like Iraq when America
    and Australia ignore international law?"

                - Malcolm Fraser, Former Liberal Prime Minister

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[ End Fri humour ]


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