Friday humour - September 06, 2002

     From Davo at bluehaze:


Yo and G'day from beautiful Melbournetown where Spring has finally sprung.
For those OS readers checkout this Melbourne webcam - don't worry about the
time of day - it's always sunny in the sporting capital of Oz!

                    Click here

To any humourites overseas who know of webcams in your area please let's
know of them so we can all have a look-see.  We'd love a view of the the
High Street in Greater Marwick, UK.  Hey Mick - a .jpg will do!


 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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 +                N E W S R O O M     L A T E S T                +
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 +    The AFL has just released Carlton's Draw for next year!    +
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 +   Click here  +

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And welcome to our newest reader - Daisy (give me an anwswer do) from the
glorious Morning Peninsular between the Pacific Ocean and Port Phillip
Bay.

Daisy wrote:

 "I stumbled across the humour archives when I googled using the
  search "cack yourself". I needed a laugh and for some reason
  thought that combination may result in something decent. It did.
  Thanks for the laughs. I'm slowly working my way back through
  the archives."


Don't forget to spare a thought and a prayer for all those who have suffered
from the September 11 tragedy last year.  I see our Herald Sun is promoting
turning on your headlights at the precise time of the first strike.  As it
occured at about 10:48 pm Melbourne time it is recommended that this only be
done in the driveway or garage.


And spare a minute to try the World's Smallest Political Quiz to see where
you fit into the big picture ...

                Click here


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First up this week a couple from Mad Mick of Marwick who says ...

   "I am sure you know that C & A was a Departmental Store in the UK"


                            ESSEX SCRUBBERS ...

An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As she is
lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she
is alright. "I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts
out.
"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How
many fingers have I got up?"
"Ah f**kin 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist
down an all!!!"

Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle,
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice innit, don't
ya fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help.  "Viens a moi, ladies is French
for 'come to me' "
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying,
"That doesn't smell like come to me, Trace. Does it smell like come to you?"

An Essex girl goes down the council to register for child benefit. "How many
children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies he Essex girl.
"10???" says the council worker... "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "Its great because if they are out playing in the
street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW
and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council
worker.
"Easy," says the Essex girl, "I just use their surnames."

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices
something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing. She says
to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fanny or naffink, but why doz one of
your wellies ave a Lon onit, and the uva one's got a Ron onit?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guiness and replies, "Well,
oim a little bit thick ya see. The one with the R is for me roight foot and
the on with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got
C&A on them."

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                     IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings
in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is
breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would
increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad
male models.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of
bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none
of the credit.

Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no
pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful",
"Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19
year olds.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention
constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on
their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for
six weeks.
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    A couple from former Glassblowing Rudi ... (and that's with a GL!)

                    UN SURVEY - WORLD FOOD SHORTAGE

A survey was conducted by the UN worldwide. The only question asked in it
was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a HUGE failure.

In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant.

In Western Europe they did not know what 'shortage' meant.

In China they did not know what 'opinion' meant.

In the Middle East they did not know what 'solution' meant.

In Asia they did not know what 'honest' meant.

In the USA they did not know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

.... and in Israel they did not know what 'please' meant.

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Malisja sent this one in

                          FROM THE IT MANAGER

Our computers have been infected with this virus. As your contact is in my
address book, you may have recieved this virus from me as well. Please see
the instructions below to delete and pass on to your contacts

The virus (called jdbgmgr. exe) is not detected by Norton or McAfee or VET a
nti virus systems. The virus sits quietly for 14 days before damaging the
system. It's sent automatically by messenger and by the address book whether
or not you send e-mails to your contacts. Here's how to check for the virus
and how to get rid of it.

YOU MUST DO THIS -

1. Go to start (bottom left corner), find the search option (or "find").

2. In the files / folders option, write the name jdbgmgr.exe

3. Be sure to search your C: drive and any other drives you may have.

4. Click "find now"

5. The virus has a teddy bear icon with the name jdbgmgr.exe

DO NOT OPEN IT.

6. Go to edit : choose "select all" to highlight the file without opening
it.

7. Now go to file and select "delete". It will go to your recycle bin.

8. Go to your recycle bin and delete it there as well.

IF YOU FIND THE VIRUS YOU MUST CONTACT ALL THE PEOPLE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK
SO THEY CAN ERADICATE IT IN THEIR OWN ADDRESS BOOKS. SORRY A BOUT THIS. I'M
SURE EVERYONE IN THE ADDRESS BOOK WILL HAVE IT.

To do this open new email message, click the photo of the address book next
to TO. Click every name and add to BCC. Copy this message, enter subject,
paste to email, send.

Sorry for any inconvenience

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    From Deanna and others

                                BACKCHAT

A camel and an elephant meet.

The elephant asks the camel:

Why do you have your breasts on your back?

The camel replies:

What a silly question coming from someone who has a dick on his face.

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    This weeks graphics are from Malisja, Kerosteve, Allnutts, Olivine, Daisy,
    and Biggus:

Happy days Click here

Office Blues Click here

Expensive team Click here

Friends Click here

Please hold Click here

Big girl Click here

Life cycle Click here

Robin Williams on golf (big - nearly 2 Mb): Click here

Common as muck Click here

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Back to ascci from Lan (Vu)

                           CORPORATE LESSONS

Corporate lesson 1
-------------------

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower
when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one
should go and answer the doorbell the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself
up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before
she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel
that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the
towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who
was that ?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he
owes me ?"

Moral of the story :

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with
your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable Exposure!


Corporate lesson 2
-------------------

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped
and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and
nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun
looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129 ?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The
nun once again Said, "Father, remember Psalm 129 ?" Once again the priest
apologized."Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and
went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and
looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY :

Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!


Corporate Lesson 3
--------------------

Usually the staff of the company play football.

The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis.

The top management usually has a preference for Golf.

Finding : As you go up the corporate ladder, the 'Balls' reduce in size.


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    A KeroSteve selection

                               PERSONALS

Dictionary for women's personal ads

* 40-ish..................49
* Adventurous............ Slept with all your mates
* Athletic................No tits
* Average looking.........Has a face like an arse
* Beautiful...............Pathological liar
* Contagious Smile........Does a lot of pills
* Educated................Was fucked to bits at Uni'
* Emotionally Secure......On medication
* Feminist................Fat
* Free spirit.............Junkie
* Friendship first........Former slut
* Fun.....................Annoying
* Gentle..................Dull
* Good Listener...........Autistic
* New-Age.................Body hair problems
* Old-fashioned...........No BJs or anal
* Open-minded.............Desperate
* Outgoing................Loud and Embarrassing
* Passionate..............Sloppy drunk
* Poet....................Depressive
* Professional............Bitch
* Romantic................Frigid
* Social..................Fanny like a clowns pocket
* Voluptuous..............Very Fat
* Large lady..............Hugely Fat
* Wants Soul mate.........Stalker
* Widow ..................Murderer

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A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it
true that babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
Yes, dear." replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come
up, and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then when I
have a baby," responded the blonde teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

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   A couple from Allnutts

                        ADVERT IN CANBERRA TIMES

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personals Section

I reckon this bloke should have got a few replies simply for taking the time
to think of this!

"Wanted A tall well built woman with good
 reputation, who can cook frogs
 legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
 schia garden, classic music and tal-
 king without getting too serious.
 Interested? Then please only read
 lines 1, 3 and 5; still interested?
 Call me at ..... 8250-0327 "

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Question: What is the height of globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death

Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven
by a Belgian who was high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian
Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines! And this is sent to you by a Malaysian, using Bill
Gates' technology which he stole from the Japanese. And you are probably
reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and
Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and
finally sold to you by Chinamen!

Globalisation!!

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   From Snowfields Beryl

                              FOREST GUMP

Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven.

Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates.

"I'm sorry Forrest" St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload
of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new
arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.

"That's Cool" said Forrest, What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

"3 Questions" said St Peter.

"Which are?" asked Forrest.

"The First" said St Peter, " is: which two days of the week start with the
letters 'T'?

"The second is: How many seconds are there in a year?"

"The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

"Now" said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions, Forrest, and
when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought. I expect you to do the same.

The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had
considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, "I have."

"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?"

Forrest said, " Today . . and Tomorrow."

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.

"Well then, Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three
questions?" St Peter went on, " How many seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Just 12!"

"Only 12?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure, Forrest?"

"Easy" said Forest. "There's the second of January, the second of February
right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at Forrest and said,"I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his
head ...

A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. "I'll allow the answer to
stand, Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
correct to be allowed into Heaven."

"Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in
Waltzing Matilda?"

Forrest replied, "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer."

"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer, Forrest?"

"It's Andy."

"It's Andy??"

"Yes, it's Andy" said Forrest.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating
the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning
to Forrest, asked. "Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT
answer?"

"Easy" said Forrest . . "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy
boiled ..."

And Forrest entered Heaven.

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      Finally, from Daisy ...

                             HI-TECH SAUNA

Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in
the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That
was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his
ear.  When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a
microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to
do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to
toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse.

The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you look at that" says Paddy, I'm
getting a fax."

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Thought for the Week:

    "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

      - Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. "Letter from Birmingham Jail," 1963

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[ End Fri humour ]


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