Friday humour - August 30, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Gidday,
     And here we go again with yet another load of lascivious, lewd, sexist,
     and politically incorrect humour.

     Just before we start - I heard yesterday morning on Melbourne's 3LO ...
     ooops, almost forgot, it's called "774 ABC Melbourne" now, isn't it.

     Start again - Terry lane was talking to John Faine yesterday morning
     on ... 3LO, and they were chatting about the ease of getting information
     about almost anything off the Internet.  Terry had wanted to find out
     who invented scissors.

     Anyway, the conversation shifted onto the various precursive forms of
     information, and Terry admitted that, yes - he did have an Encyclopedia
     Brittanica at home.  He further recalled that these were only sold door
     to door, and that he'd actually found it necessary to ring the local EB
     reps to get their salesman out to his house.

     The guy had dutifully turned up at the door and promptly launched into
     his sales blurb.  Terry quickly interrupted him with a "Hang on - you
     don't need to go through all that.  I *want* to buy it.  I rang the EB
     company distributor to get you out here!"

     But the guy wouldn't stop, so Terry finally interrupted again with
     "Well, alright, do you mind if I go and make a cup of coffee whilst
     you're doing this?" and headed for the kitchen.

     I forget what happened after this, but in recounting all this to John,
     Terry suggested that (just possibly) maybe the poor guy couldn't actually
     remember how to sell a set unless he first went through the prepared
     blab.

     Well ... I thought it was funny.  Okay - to the contributions now, and
     the first one comes from a unix server (mineng) who offered me this bit
     of science a few months back ...
                           ----------------------------


After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have
become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James
Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.

These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments.  For example,
in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed
and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog,
which was dead anyway.

Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine.
Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop
back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks
like a stone.
                               -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
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     Now for one from one of our mad XRD scientists, Ian Madsen, who writes
     "Thought the following might be good for FH - one of my many sisters
     sent this to me".
                           ----------------------------


                       TEACH YOUR CHILDREN CORRECT ENGLISH

1.  Scintillate, scintillate asteroid minute.
    Twinkle, twinkle little star.

2.  Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
    Birds of a feather flock together.

3.  Surveillance should precede saltation.
    Look before you leap.

4.  It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactose
    fluid.
    Don't cry over spilled milk.

5.  Freedom from encrustation of grime is contiguous to divinity.
    Cleanliness is next to godliness.

6.  The stylus is more potent than the claymore.
    The pen is mightier than the sword.

7.  It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
    innovative manoeuvre.
    You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

8.  Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
    Spare the rod and spoil the child.

9.  The temperature of aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan
    does not reach 212 fahrenheit.
    A watched pot never boils.

10. Neophyte's serendipity.
    Beginner's luck.

11. Male cadavers are incapable of yielding any testimony.
    Dead men don't talk.

12. Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be advised to
    refrain from catapulting petrous projectiles.
    People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

13. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
    All that glitters is not gold.

14. Where there are visible vapors having their province in ignited
    carbonaceous material there is conflagration.
    Where there's smoke there's fire.

15. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
    Beggers can't be choosers.

16. A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques dilapidates
    the potable concoction produced by steeping comestibles.
    Too many cooks spoil the broth.

17. Exclusive dedication to necessary chores without interludes of hedonistic
    diversion renders john a hebephrenic fellow.
    All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

18. A revolving lathic conglomerate accumulates no diminutive glaucous
    syrophytic plants.
    A rolling stone gathers no moss.

19. The person with the ultimate cachinnation possesses, thereby, the optimal
    cachinnation.
    He who laughs last, laughs best.

20. Missiles of ligneous or petrous consistency have the potential of
    fracturing my osseous structure but appellations will eternally be benign.
    Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

21. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
    Beauty is only skin deep.
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         Our next contributor wants (as always) to remain anonymous:
                           ----------------------------

Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What's the difference between your pay cheque and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your pay check!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego ...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit's Finger

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
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        Here's one from Wayne Deane - try these lines tonight, guys:
                           ----------------------------

       TEN ANSWERS MEN WOULD LIKE TO GIVE TO WOMAN'S STUPID QUESTIONS

1.  No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2.  The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that ice cream and chocolate
    you eat that makes you look fat.

3.  You've got no chance of me calling you.

4.  No, I won't be gentle.

5.  Of course you have to swallow.

6.  Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7.  I hate your friends.

8.  I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking
    to you after tonight.

9.  I'd rather watch a porno.

10. Eat it?  It took me ten pints to get up the courage to f@ck it.
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         Then there was this quickie from Maria the Harding ...
                           ----------------------------

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer.  In the confessional
he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from
the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And - ah - houses
for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake, Father."

"This is very serious," said the priest. "I shall have to think of a
far-reaching penance.  Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I
can get the lumber."
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    Now for some pics and things.  First collection's from Aaron Torpy:

How mean ...  Click here
Woof and Yum Yum: Click here
Time for lunch: Click here
Woof and ... Help! Click here

    Then there were some more "woman driver" pics from Brett Valentine:

I did it my way #1: Click here
I did it my way #2: Click here
I did it my way #3: Click here
I did it my way #4: Click here

    And from the equally reliable QCAT, this collection:

Why seafreight is cheaper: Click here
Best wedding I've been to for a while ... Click here
Ready for winter ... Click here

    Malisja found this little collection and thought you might enjoy them:

Malisja's collection: Click here

    Sarah Buckler passed these on:

NAB: Click here
Westpac: Click here
Commonwealth: Click here
ANZ: Click here

    For that next report you have to write, Dave McCallum suggests:
TLA generator for report writing: Click here

    And from the man who created our Effort Logging system as we know it now
    (Lars Jensen), some ... different, shall we say, banner ads: Click here
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       That's enough pics for one day - back to plain old ASCII now, and
       this contribution from Steve Tassios:
                           ----------------------------

Abstract found in J Forensic Sci 1993 Mar;38(2):359-64

TITLE: Autoerotic fatalities with power hydraulics.

AUTHORS: O'Halloran RL, Dietz PE.

  Ventura County Medical Examiner Office, CA.

We report two cases in which men used the hydraulic shovels on tractors to
suspend themselves for masochistic sexual stimulation.

One man developed a romantic attachment to a tractor, even giving it a name
and writing poetry in its honour.  He died accidentally while intentionally
asphyxiating himself through suspension by the neck, leaving clues that he
enjoyed perceptual distortions during asphyxiation.

The other man engaged in sexual bondage and transvestic fetishism, but did not
purposely asphyxiate himself.  He died when accidentally pinned to the ground
under a shovel after intentionally suspending himself by the ankles.

We compare these cases with other autoerotic fatalities involving perceptual
distortion, cross-dressing, machinery, and postural asphyxiation by chest
compression.
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        And a couple from CUB (who are (horrors) now making more from wine
        sales than from beer sales ... now, really - come on, guys) -

                           ----------------------------

    MEXICAN MAN BECOMES AN INSTANT MILLIONAIRE AFTER WINNING THE LOTTERY.

With his new-found wealth, he decides on exactly what he will buy.  He buys a
20 acre plot of land in Mexico and hires an architect.  He tells the architect,

"I want mi casa to be built right there, with big columns in front, and a
marble foyer, and at the end of the hall I want a halo statue."

The architect, excited about making mega bucks off this man, jots down exactly
what the Mexican wants, "I'll do it sir, I'll make this a fine house for you!"
All the plans are made and the architect starts construction.  He searches
six different countries to find exquisite columns for the front of the house
and has marble shipped in from France to line the foyer.

The only problem he has is that he cannot locate a halo statue.  Knowing that
religious symbols are important to many Mexicans, he continues to search
high and low for month after month.

The house is finally complete, but alas, the architect was never able to locate
a halo statue.  Swallowing his pride for not being able to complete the order,
he takes the Mexican to see his new home.

"Si Senor!" exclaims the Mexican. "Ju got da columns in front of mi casa!"

The architect smiles.  They enter the house and the Mexican notices the marble
floor. "Wonderful!  I love mi new marble floor Senor!" states the Mexican.

As he wanders down the hall.  He reaches the end of the hall and looks
puzzled. "Senor?  Where is my halo statue?" asks the Mexican.

"Well, sir, I'm afraid to have to tell you this, but I searched high and low
and just could not for the life of me figure out what a halo statue is, much
less find one for you anywhere," says the architect, hanging his head in shame.

"What?  Ju don't know what a halo statue is?"

"No, sir, I'm sorry, I do not know," replies the architect.

"Ju know," says the homeowner, "it's dat thing that goes 'ringy ringy' and
ju pick it up and ju say, "halo?... statue?"

                               ----====#==#==#====----

What to do if you happen upon a peace rally by stupid naive hemp-shirt-wearing
college idiots, to teach them why force is sometimes needed:

1) Approach dumb rich ignorant student talking about "peace" and saying there
   should be, "no retaliation."

2) Engage in brief conversation, ask if military force is appropriate.

3) When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"

4) Wait until he says something to the effect of, "Because that would just
   cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause
   more violence."

5) When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

6) When he gets back up to up to punch you, point out that it would be a
   mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would, "be
   awful and he should not cause more violence."

7) Wait until he agrees that he has pledged not to commit additional violence.

8) Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

Repeat steps 6 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary
to use force.
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                 And a little something from the guys at QCAT:
                           ----------------------------

                                    LOVE


There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty
and he liked her a lot.  One day he went to work and found that a new girl had
started working there.  Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that
she was interested in him too.  But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do
anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.  He decided
that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on
with Clearly.  He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't
bring himself to do it.

Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped
and fell into the river.  The current carried her off and she drowned.  The guy
stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing......
(Get ready, it's good...)




(Keep going!.....)































  ...... "I can see Clearly now.  Lorraine has gone."
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       Just before we get to our final (serious) piece for the week - one
       more quickie from Maria the Harding ...

This fellow had owned this large farm for several years.  He had a large pond
in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts,
basketball court, etc.  The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been
there for a while and look it over.  As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.  As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end
of the pond.  One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"

The old man replied, "You needn't worry - I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim or get out of the pond.  I only came to feed the alligators!"
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       And to wind up yet another week, this thought-provoking article
       on the real costs of software - passed on by David Magnay:
                           ----------------------------

          BUGGY SOFTWARE COSTS USERS, VENDORS NEARLY $60B ANNUALLY

WASHINGTON -- Software bugs are costing the U.S. economy an estimated $59.5
billion each year, with more than half of the cost borne by end users and
the remainder by developers and vendors, according to a new federal study.
Improvements in testing could reduce this cost by about a third, or $22.5
billion, but it won't eliminate all software errors, the study said.  Of the
total $59.5 billion cost, users incurred 64% of the cost and developers 36%.

The findings were released yesterday in a 309-page study conducted by the
National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST), a federal agency that
conducts extensive research on technology issues.  There are very few markets
where "buyers are willing to accept products that they know are going to
malfunction," said Gregory Tassey, the NIST senior economist who headed the
study. "But software is at the extreme end, in terms of errors or bugs that
are in the typical product when it is sold."

A product of 18 months of research that included extensive feedback from
end users, the study examined the impact of buggy software in several
major industries -- automotive, aerospace and financial services -- and then
extrapolated the results for the U.S. economy.  The study was conducted for NIST
by the nonprofit Research Triangle Institute in Research Triangle Park, N.C.

For instance, one case study in the automotive and aerospace industries
involved interviews with 10 software developers and 179 users of computer-aided
design, manufacturing and engineering systems and product data management
software.  That study found that users of these software design tools spent
significant resources responding to software errors.  Approximately 60% of
those surveyed said they had experienced "significant software errors" in
the previous year.  The total cost in these sectors from inadequate software
testing was estimated to be $1.8 billion.

Similar results were found in the financial services sector.  In the case
study of that sector, four software developers and 98 software users were
interviewed.  According to the study, developers agreed that an improved
testing system was needed that could track a bug back to the point where it
was introduced and show how it influenced the rest of the production process.
The ideal testing infrastructure could remedy problems in real time rather
than requiring developers to wait for the product to be fully assembled,
the report said.

The total cost on financial services from inadequate software testing was
estimated at $3.3 billion, the report said.  "No one thinks you can get all
the errors out of software," said Tassey.  Vendors are under pressure to get
products to market quickly, and there are diminishing returns on testing:
The more effort you put into it, the fewer the bugs that are found. "However,
the general consensus seems to be [that] the current state of the art with
respect to testing is poor and can be sufficiently improved," he said.

The study didn't propose specific actions for improving testing but called
for the development of testing standards, noting that today's testing tools
"are still fairly primitive."

The study also said that standardised testing tools, scripts, reference data
and metrics, among other things, "that have undergone a rigorous certification
process would have a large impact on the inadequacies" now found.

   (Original at Click here
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   FH archived at: Click here
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[ End Friday humour ]



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