Friday humour - August 23, 2002

     From Davo at bluehaze:


G'day and Yo!

Well ... this issue of FH is dead boring ...

... and it's your fault!

If you want new jokes and new videos you've gotta send then in to Tony and
me at FH Capital - in beautiful downtown Surrey Hills.   ... where the sun
only shines through the greenery ...

   san149@csiro.au or dav259@csiro.au

Nestor ... have you jumped into Lake Michigan?  Joe - have you got the
soap suds right?  Mad Mickus - have you gone straight?  (to jail)  Ben -
has the North Island floated away from the mainland?  And Mike Horne -
have you lost it completely?  Or was it only something on a piece of
paper?

Friday Humourites need to know ...


The odd spot ... from The Age

Security staff at a US airport confiscated a five-centimetre plastic rifle
from a GI Joe doll a woman had in her carry-on luggage. The woman was told
that if she wanted GI Joe to keep his rifle, she would have to check in
again and put the toy in her suitcase so it could go in the aircraft's hold.
     ~~~~~o~~~~~     ~~~~~o~~~~~     ~~~~~o~~~~~     ~~~~~o~~~~~


   First up this week, from Ty and Di ...

          GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

                   GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD :

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

                             SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is  .  .  .  not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is .  .  .  having friends.
At age 17 success is .  .  .  having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is .  .  .  having sex.
At age 35 success is .  .  .  having money.
At age 50 success is .  .  .  having money.
At age 60 success is .  .  .  having sex.
At age 70 success is .  .  .  having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is .  .  .  having friends.
At age 80 success is .  .  .  not peeing in your pants.


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A KeroSteve collection

                          Quiz show Answers

Following are apparently actual answers given to Larry Gogan on the "Just a
Minute Quiz..." (RTE 2 Irish radio station)

1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword

2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the Capital of France? F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitlers first name? Heil

8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)? A Pig in sh#t

9) Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race? The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath? Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers ? A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair

14) A famous Royal? Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does? Goes to the Toilet

18) Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate

19) A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs? The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac? April

22) Something people might be allergic to? Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep

24) Something you put on walls? A roof

25) Something Slippery? A conman

26) A kind of ache? A fillet of fish

27) A Jacket Potato topping? Jam

28) A food that can be brown or white? A potato

29) A famous Scotsman? Jock

30) A famous Scotsman? Vinnie Jones

31) Something you open other than a door? Your bowels

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                             Green Side Up

Bob A builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who
owned it. She was telling him what color to paint each room.

They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a
light blue." The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be
bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be
brown. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep
telling you colors, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what
that for? The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I got a couple of
blondes laying the turf out front."


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                      Aussie Rules Classic Commetti

Some of these you need to think about to understand and see the humour but
it proves to be interesting reading. Any wonder I turn the sound down on TV
coverage sometimes!

"Deep inside the fifty!"

"The umpire's done himself a mischief"

"Scotty Cummings alone in the square, jumping up and down and waving his
arms like they're playing My Sharona"

"Ugle playing on Peter Matera, fumbling around for the ball and probably his
autograph book..."

"A couple of big touches from Clive Waterhouse, who was battling up until
about 5 minutes ago, in danger of becoming Clive Waterboy."

Dermott: And the ball spills free to Kickett...
Cometti: Troy Cook you mean?
Dermott: Yes.. well, they do look rather alike.
Cometti: How so Dermott?
Dermott: (realising that sounded rather racist.) Umm, well, they are both..
er..
Cometti: .. Midfielders, yes Dermott.

After the Mcmanus/Wirrpunda clash a few derbies back. 'Shaun goes back to
collect the ball, a free kick, and several teeth.'

This one from Melb v Coll last year:
Healy: Word is this guy is the most reliable kick for goal in the side. They
say down at Collingwood if you had to have someone kicking for your life,
Tarkyn Lockyer would be the man Commetti: Id prefer my mum
(silence)
Commetti: Not a great footballer, but at least she'd care.

"Ashley McIntosh, like a good hair spray... capable of a subtle hold"

"Barlow to Bateman, the Hawks are attacking alphabetically"

"Simon Cox, he prides himself on his disposal" Cox then short passes to a
teammate 15 metres away. "Well, I could have done that".

"The Magpies ought to be kicking themselves right now, but with their luck,
they'd probably miss."

"Carl Steinfort looking more like Robert Walls than Robert Walls"

"Bell bringing the ball out of the back line..... looking for wide
runners..... passes to Walker... a contradiction in terms, really"

"The goal square's full of Bears, looks like we've got ourselves a convoy"

Commetti: "McVeigh, bobbing like a cork in the ocean" [Cue applause from all
in the Nine box, as it was the debut "cork in the ocean" call for the
season]
Commetti: "Well, it was cork material?"

"The only change to the Eagles side is that Rowan Jones has had a haircut"

"Farmer may have an injury to his calf........ hmmm, a farmer with a calf
problem."

"Parker to Carr...... sounds like a match made in heaven!"

After Lloyd gives Wakelin a little slap on ANZAC Day: "Whoaa, there will be
a duel at 5 oclock."

Dennis: "Dear shoots? wait on the goal umpire? behind. A wry smile there
from the goal umpire, certainly a sense of the dramatic."
Don Scott: "He's the danger man, Dennis."
Dennis: "Who? The goal umpire?"
Don: "No, Dear. Paul Dear."
Dennis: "Brennan kicks out to the outer side, straight to Paul Dear - you're
uncanny Don."

Dennis: King to Ling
Dermott: Just forward of the wing
Dennis: Don't you start!

"It's a goal! A dream start for Hawthorn. Spider had both his legs taken out
from under him - leaving only the other six to balance on....."

Stewart Dew kicks for goal early in the first: "He was brought here to do
exactly that..(pause)... actually 5 more than that, he kicks a behind."

On former Magpie, Crow and now Cat, Brenton Sanderson: "He goes much better
as a mammal"

On Corey McKernan's poor form: "He's like a long jumper who can't reach the
sand."

"I love that surname Fixter. Sounds like something from a Batman movie -The
Fixter? but I digress..."

"There's talk of Karl Langdon offering his services to St Kilda, as if it
wasn't bad enough being in 15th position"

Last night when Richmond kicked up the middle towards Ray Hall:"Richmond
attack through the corridor in this case the Hall."

"Brown..... down to Jones.... all we need now is Smith"

Tony Liberatore had just gone into a pack as he is wont to do and come out
with blood gushing from his eye: "Libba went into the pack optimistically
and came out misty optically."

Ball sails just over the line for a goal.
Dennis: That was absolutely wonderful!!
Jason Bennett: What was it Dennis? (obviously playing for the centimetre
perfect line).
Dennis: Wonderful!! .............. Oh I missed my cue.

I think it was the Freo/Pies game last week and Dennis, after describing the
second of 2 easy dropped marks says, "the Tale of Two Sitters".

When Mark went up for a mark: "... and the Mercuri is rising..."

Dermie: "Why do you suppose he went side on to take the mark?" Dennis:
"He probably was trying to impress the Russian judge."

"Richardson contests the ruck.... without much conviction. Well, he may be
the best player on their list........ well, certainly Matthew thinks he's
the best player on their list at the moment...... mind you, that's a bit
like being the best Centre Half Forward in Czechoslovakia....."

"Almost a touch of synchronised swimming about that mark..... minus the
peg..."

"Ball in dispute, Lamb, now Yze the meat in the sandwich Really Lamb should
be in the sandwich."

"If it was a set play, they copied it from a Portugese bus time-table"

"How do you beat Rehn? Where's Stimpy???"

"Great stuff by Caracella - moments before McIntosh had treated him like a
rent-a- car".

After Darren Gaspar hits the post from 40 metres out: "Gaspar, the
unfriendly post"

"There is no footy god - only a footy accountant!"

On Friday night Rich vs Ess, the ball is passed to Hille of essendon, with
Rodan trying to spoil. "He gave it his best, but that is a big hill to
climb"

     ~~~~~o~~~~~     ~~~~~o~~~~~     ~~~~~o~~~~~     ~~~~~o~~~~~


    And a couple from Allnutts

        IMPORTANT STRATEGIES WE'VE LEARNED FROM HORROR MOVIES:

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if
it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of dead summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in
the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so
be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to
any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out
that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short
circuits; just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason
for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know
what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least
twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are
running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast
enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior
such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness,
and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you
recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda
Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the
nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is
strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot
yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns,
hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane
torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased
companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to
move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible
fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old
house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not
a candle.

20. Do not mention the names of ghosts around open flames, as these can
flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

22. Do not go looking for zombies in the Maryland countryside.

     ~~~~~o~~~~~     ~~~~~o~~~~~     ~~~~~o~~~~~     ~~~~~o~~~~~


A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her
husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The
wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring home for
you?"

The husband laughs and says, "How about an English girl!"

"Well, I'll see what I can do," the wife laughs.

Two weeks later the husband picks her up in the airport and asks, "So,
honey, how was the trip?"

"It was great... better than I could have imagined!"

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Present?"

"You know.... the English girl?

"Oh, yes... Well, I did what I could, let's wait a few months and see if it
is a girl!!!"

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    This weeks graphics are from the usual senderinerers ...

Maths Click here

Crappy new station Click here

Hard heroes Click here

Ladies please!! Click here

The altar boy Click here

Pics from NBC Click here

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       From the Wild West

                           WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are
right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman
looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel
that it's an even trade.

NOTHING This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a
woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a
few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement
very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of
the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best
bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction
with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she
has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever
it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be
careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks
A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful
not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
"Nothing."

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    From Wellington Ben

A young Maori fullah walked into the Gisborne unemployment office, marched
straight up to the counter and said "G'day mate, I'm lookin' for a job.".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a
listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his daughter.
You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes, uniform provided.
Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and once
a year you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas
holiday. The salary package is $200,000 a year.".

The Maori fullah said "Nah, you're tellin' me b*llsh!it!".

The man behind the counter said "Well you f*ckin' started it!".

     ~~~~~o~~~~~     ~~~~~o~~~~~     ~~~~~o~~~~~     ~~~~~o~~~~~

The latest from QCAT

                         THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then, you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.

6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

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                            A Lot of Bull

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet
another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among
them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our
differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't
know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I aint' givin' him any
of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years
and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight
'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let
me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows
(yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in
the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest
Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he
took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really
felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for
our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the
opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an
argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the
dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some
of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows
I'M a bull!"

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                                Miracle

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on
the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the
cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."


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    Finally, from Bob Flann - an oldie but a goodie ...

                            Medical reports

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and

said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed,
"Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He
might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few
moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet fussed over the
dog and took it out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat
jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird.

The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your
parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ..... dead." He then turned to
his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to
the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!, she
cried, $150 just to tell me my bird is dead.!!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have
been $20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan......"

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The Quotable Quote of 1968:


                     But what ... is it good for?


- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
  commenting on the microchip.


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[ End Fri humour ]


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