Friday humour - August 16, 2002

     From Davo at bluehaze:

    G'day and Yo!

    And Click here - and for fans of the late Tony Hancock, I'd like to say

    that "It is are raining not in Tokyo ..." Click here

    I must apologise for those who get a bad wrap out of this message but after
    being filtered (ie. sent) by Outlook just once to me it doesn't look too
    flash on my screen.  One would expect it to wrap naturally but what Best
    Mate Bill has created is a puzzlement (remember The King And I?).

    If only little George Dubya would drop a pre-emptive bomb on Microsoft
    before it drops a pre-emptive bomb on all of us.

    Now I don't suggest you pause now for a game of golf but when you need
    a break try your skills with this mini golf game sent in by Kero Steve:
    Click here

            --ooOoo-- --ooOoo-- --ooOoo-- --ooOoo-- --ooOoo--

    Firstly this week an oldie from Rudi - ex-glassblower extraordinaire -
    (who also supplied this Newsflash from Manchester)


[AAP] Some of the women weight lifters had an exiting snatch competition
while others found jerking more to their liking.

                           THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE

A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome,
when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to
the point where he invited her back to his apartment. After some smalltalk,
they made love.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So my darlink.. you
finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her; and the love making resumed. This
time, she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love
making ends; and again, the young man smiles, and asks, "Dis time you
finish?" Again, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly
says,"No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man
reaches for her. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it but
they climax simultaneously, screaming, clawing and ripping bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his
head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "So, you finish?"

"No!" she shouts back, "Stop asking, I no Finnish, I Sveedish!"

          --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--


     And a couple from KeroSteve ...

                         KENNY AND THE DONKEY

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad
news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya goanna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and
made a profit of $998.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

          --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--


                          TOP TEN CADDY COMMENTS

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a
distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

          --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--


       A couple from UK McKnickers

                         THE ELDERLY SPINSTER

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she
wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist
suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster
to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I
rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the
lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the
spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The
lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in
assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have
$40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be
distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life,
people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass
on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral
that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone
who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what
would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone
almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I
die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see
what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer
was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird
request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with
$5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide
the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until
you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house
and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but
her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out
and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"

          --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--


                              IRISH JOKE

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
with Father O'Rafferty.

"Top o' the mornin' to ye," said the Father, "Aren't you Mrs. O'Donovan?
Didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"

She replied "Aye, that ye did, Father."

"And be there any wee ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father," Mrs. O'Donovan said.

"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for ye."

"Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways. Some years later they met again.

"Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," the priest said. "How are ye these days?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said. "Have ye any wee ones yet?"

"Oh, yes, Father," Mrs. O'Donovan replied. "Three sets of twins and four
singles -- 10 in all."

"Aye, that's wonderful!" he said. "And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said. "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

          --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--


             AND A NEWSFLASH FROM LEE OVER AT MELB UNI ...

MELBOURNE, VIC (AAP) - Carlton football club practice was delayed on Tuesday
for nearly two hours. One of the players, while on his way to the locker
room happened to look down and noticed a suspicious looking, unknown white
powdery substance on the practice field. Coach Wayne Britain, immediately
suspended practice while the Australian Federal Police [AFP] was called in
to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the AFP determined that the white substance
unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when AFP
Special Agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the
substance again.

      --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--

           From Mrs Next Door (Olivine):

                       BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at
home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed: Dear
Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create
a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked
breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed
them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home...
picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners. Stopped at the bank to
draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the
bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He
cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00
pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep
and mop the kitchen floor. He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and
got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a
gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids
organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able
to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he
began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops
and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and
although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he
was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without
complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said: - "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade
back!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned
your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!"
      --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--


    This weeks non-ascci stuff comes from the usual lot.  How about a few more
    contributors submitting some nice pictorial stuff?  You know who you are.

The brush off Click here

Punk cow Click here

Lost dog Click here

Teatime Click here

Dress circle or stalls Click here

This'll fool them Click here ... Well at least it flies Click here

Tired Click here

Safe driving Click here
      --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--


     Okay, back to ASCII now and a couple from Minnesota Scott:

                              FACULTIES

A group of senior citizens were talking at the breakfast table in a Florida
nursing home. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,"
said one.

Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can barely even see my cup of
coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of arthritis in my neck," said a third, to
which many nodded weakly.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another continued.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," commented yet another
lady, and again they all nodded in agreement.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well it could be worse," said one old woman with resolute cheerfulness.
"Thank God we can all still drive."

      --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--


   Ty's terribly topical two top tens ...  (one forwards - t'other backwards)

            10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

 1.   Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

 2.   You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

 3.   The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

 4.   Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

 5.   You're using your bat-phone to dial up every bumper sticker
     that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."

 6.   Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.

 7.   You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

 8.   You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

 9.   You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10.   The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

                          --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--


                TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.

 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

 7. Fat clothes.

 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

 3. Eyelash curlers.

 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

        AND, the Number One thing only women understand ...

 1. OTHER WOMEN

      --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--


      From Beryl up in snow country

                           MIDNIGHT MADNESS

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you
and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what
happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared
from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked
body... you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without
any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.
Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail,
only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still shows
your marks, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... as soon you appear I will
quickly grab you and won't let you go, will hold you with all my strength so
you won't disappear. Won't rest until l squeeze your blood out..... you
fucking mosquito.

      --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--


       Finally from "soapsuds" Joe - now working for Unilever in London ...
       who writes:

  "This joke made me think of CSIRO...  Perhaps one for humour - edit as you
   feel appropriate (inserting DMT etc)?"


Five Cannibals got jobs with CSIRO Minerals. During the welcoming ceremony
the boss says, "You're all part of our Team now. You can earn good money
here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't
trouble any of the other employees". The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Personal
Assistants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss leaves, the leader of the cannibals says to the others,
"Which of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You
fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Directors and even the
Chief and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat a secretary!"

       --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--   --ooOoo--


                           QUOTES OF THE WEEK


"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I
was talking to myself."
                                          - Peter O'Toole.


"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to
something."
                                          - George Burns.


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
                                           - Dan Quayle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[ End Fri humour ]


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