Friday humour - August 09, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        And gidday,
    And time for another load of depravity, filth and debauchery, otherwise
    known as Friday Humour from this part of the world.  And just to make sure
    we trip plenty of email filters, let me also say XXX and XXXX!

    Actually, this week is pretty clean as it turns out.  In fact, for a bit
    of variety, let's start with a few from *the* original internet humour
    mail list, REC.HUMOUR.FUNNY (RHF).  These are from the 1990's section
    of that archive, although some (like this first one) are obviously much,
    much older than that ...
                           --------------------------

     Supposedly excerpted from "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions
     of World War II," Seymour Reit (Signet, 1980):

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been
told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots.  The German "airfield,"
constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden
plank.  And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel,
came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.
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        Heard many years ago in the Broadway show "Suger Babies" ...
                           --------------------------

Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some
other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try.  On his first day
of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him
that was scooping in one after another.  He had to know The Secret.

"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are
using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and
quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had
no luck.  Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in
fish after fish.

"Excuse me," asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good.  I am using a bit of
human appendix."

"Hmm," thought Joe.  It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a
little more effort than normal.  He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, Joe still had no luck.  As was usual, there was yet another
man near him bringing in fish left and right.

Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you
a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi."
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                    And this slight variation on an oldie ...
                           --------------------------

So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says, "Sorry, bud,
you need a tie for this place."

Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to
be found.  Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them
around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

Back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says "Well, okay then ... I guess
you can come in.  But just don't start anything."
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               And the final RHF plagiarism via this short one ...
                           --------------------------

    A true story...

A woman I work with is dating a doctor.  She is also a grandmother.  One
morning she was over at the docs house when her daughter-in-law called,
sort of frantic.  It seems that her grandson had swallowed a penny.

The daughter-in-law wanted her to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy
in to be seen.

When she asked the doc, he calmly replied, "I don't think it's necessary,
just watch him closely for any change."
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     Now it's over to the house of malt and barley and this one from John K:
                           --------------------------

Walking up to the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided
to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah?  What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home.  We stripped
off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when
her damn husband came in the front door.  So I had to jump out the bedroom
window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room, he said, 'Hey great!  You're naked
already!  Let me just take a leak.' And the lazy son of a bitch urinated out
the window right onto my head."

"Yuck!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.  Next, I had
to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband
tossed his condom out the window.  And where does it land?
On my damn forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished.  What really pissed me off was when the husband had
to take a crap.  It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his
arse out the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?  When I finally looked down, I noticed that my
feet were only six inches off the ground."
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                Now up north a little way and this one from QCAT:
                           --------------------------

Ever notice that a human baby doesn't walk until it's tall enough to reach a
parent's hand?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the
drive before it has stopped snowing.

"There is only one pretty child in the world and every parent has it."
 - Chinese Proverb.

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

I asked Mum if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly wouldn't have
paid for me.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort
to teach them good manners.

Children will soon forget your presents, but they will always remember your
presence.

Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step
of blaming my parents.

We did have to childproof our home about 3 years ago ... but somehow they
still get in.

Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mum?

Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.

When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some
of the time, but you can never fool a Mum.

I love to give homemade gifts ...which one of my kids do you want?

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new
school clothes.

Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
and talk.  Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of
their time each day.
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       Onto our pics ...

       First two were passed along by Steve (Digitronics) Harding:
Well known star: Click here
Come inside: Click here

       And this lot are from Brett (and they're all clean this week):
Control chart: Click here
Who is this?  Click here
Catchy company name: Click here

       And one from our Finance empire - an oldie in pictorial form:
Corporate lessons: Click here

       This was forwarded on by QCAT - and also by Brett V:
Look carefully ... Click here

       One from Maria the Harding (or maybe it was Steve - no matter):
Desperate: Click here

       This lot was definitely from Maria:
Amazing painted hands #1: Click here
Amazing painted hands #2: Click here
Amazing painted hands #3: Click here

       Not sure who sent these in, so let's just say they're from anon:

The newest look: Click here
A cute XXXX: Click here
Saving your job: Click here
The Adventures of Action Item: Click here
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     Now for some language speech training, from way over in the ol' West:
                           --------------------------

                  HOW TO SPEAK NEW ZULANDER FOR BIST EFFICT
                             RID THESE OUT ALOUD

Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Chully Bun - Esky
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Cuttin - baby cat
Munce - usually served on toast
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        To Maria the Harding next, and this one for all cat lovers ...
                           --------------------------


           A LIST OF DO'S AND DON'TS FOR YOUNG INEXPERIENCED CATS
                      WHO HAVE A HOUSEHOLD TO RUN

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly, or the davenport.  If you
cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug.  Lacking an Oriental rug,
shag is good.

    DOORS: About them...

Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get one open, stand on hind legs
and hammer with forepaws.  Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary
to use it.  You can change your mind.

When you have ordered an outdoor door opened, stand half-in and half-out and
think about several things (particularly important during very cold weather
or mosquito season).

Doors swinging: Avoid.

    GUESTS: About them...

After dinner, when walking on the dinner table among the dishes, be prepared
to look surprised and hurt when scolded.  The idea to convey is, "But you let
me do it when there isn't company!"

Determine quickly which guest hates cats.  Sit on that lap during the
evening.  You will know him because he will call you "nice kitty."  If you can
arrange to leave "Puss 'n Boots" on your breath, so much the better.

For sitting in laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colours which
contrast with your own.  Example: for white-furred cats, a good black wool
is best.

Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.  Never
drink from your own water bowl if their glass is full enough to drink from.

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.  This way
you cannot be seen and, therefore, stand a better chance of being stepped on,
picked up and soothed.

If one of them is sewing, or working with paper and pens, and the other is
idle, sit with the busy one.  This is called hampering.  Following are the main
tips for hampering:

For book readers, get in close under the chin.  Unless, of course, you can
lie across the book itself.

For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze.  Then
reach out and slap knitting needles sharply.  This causes what she calls a
"dropped stitch."  She will try to distract you with a ball of yarn, which is
ridiculous.  Ignore it.

For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards (annual activities), keep in mind the aim: to hamper.  First,
sit on the paper being worked on.  When dislodged, watch sadly from the side
of the table.  When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability.  After being removed for the
second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off of table one at a time.

Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are fresh for playing catch-mouse
or king-of-the-hill on the bed between 2 and 4 a.m.

If you become bored with your diet, immediately after food is placed into dish,
try to cover it with the newspaper under your bowl - sometimes this can even
result in your fresh bowl of water being tipped over.

Start this training early, and you will have a smooth-running household.
Humans need only to know a few basic rules which they can be taught readily
if one starts in time!
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      Finally for this week, you've probably all heard about the latest
      radical theory about C, the speed of light?  Well, not only is it
      not constant, it really doesn't even exist.  Here's some background
      on it to keep you up to date ...
                           --------------------------


For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe
they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for
which they charge a substantial rate.  The recent accidental acquisition of
secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive research
campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax
which has been perpetrated upon the public by the power companies.

The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted light;
in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which is then transported
back to the power generation stations via wire networks.  A more descriptive
name has now been coined; the new scientific name for the device is DARKSUCKER.

This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which
proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great
mass, and further, that dark particle (the anti-photon) is the fastest known
particle in the universe.  Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein
did not suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT
is actually the ABSENCE of DARK ... scientists have now proven that light does
not really exist!

The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are right now.  There
is much less dark right next to the darksuckers than there is elsewhere,
demonstrating their limited range.  The larger the darksucker, the greater its
capacity to suck dark.  Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field
have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example.

It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a celestial
scale; witness the Sun.  Our Sun makes use of dense dark, sucking it in from all
the planets and intervening dark space.  Naturally, the Sun is better able to
suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why
those planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from the Sun.

Occasionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those conditions, dark
spots appear on the surface of the Sun.  Scientists have long studied these
'sunspots' and are only recently beginning to realise that the dark spots
represent leaks of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to
such an extent that some dark actually leaks back into space.  This leakage
of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications
here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles as they stream
out into space at high velocity via the black 'holes' in the surface of the Sun.

As with all man-made devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime caused by the
fact that they are not 100% efficient at transmitting collected dark back to
the power company via the wires from your home, causing dark to build up slowly
within the device.  Once they are full of accumulated dark, they can no longer
suck.  This condition can be observed by looking for the black spot on a full
darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity of untransmitted dark... you
have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because
it no longer has the capacity to suck any dark at all.

A candle is a primitive darksucker.  A new candle has a white wick.  You will
notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the
dark which has been sucked into it.  If you hold a pencil next to the wick
of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way
of the dark flowing into the candle.  It is of no use to plug a candle into
an electrical outlet; it can only collect dark.. it has no transmission
capabilities.  Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited
range and are hazardous to operate because of the intense heat produced.

There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights.  The bulbs in
these devices collect dark which is passed to a dark storage unit called
a battery.  When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied
(a process called 'recharging') or replaced before the portable darksucker
can continue to operate.  If you break open a battery, you will find dense
black dark inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.
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[ End Friday humour ]



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