Friday humour - August 02, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

     G'day and Yo!

                    [ Friday Humour Editorial ]

    A week after Labor demolished the Liberals in Tassie, NZ Labour (they
    spell proper over there!) decimated the Nationals in the land of the long
    white cloud.  Perhaps the Conservatives should have created some stories
    of kids overboard and published some ficticious pictures to justify the
    lies and deceit.  I'm sure Reith, Ruddock, and Howard could have filled
    them in on how to successfully run a fear campain and God forsake the
    future damage that would inevitably result.

    But what a great system the Kiwis have!  It's all done by proportional
    representation (based of the German system) so pretty well anyone you vote
    for will be able to represent you in Parliament - they may not attain
    Government but they'll be there to have their say.  Theoretically here
    in Oz your party here could win 45% of the vote and not win one single seat.

    Indeed in our 1998 election the "Liberals" only won 48.5% of the vote but
    little Johnie Howard won government and claimed a legitimate mandate for
    introducing the GST - which at best was only supported by 30% of voters.

    Again in the US 2000 Presidential election Al Gore received the overwhelming
    popular vote - yet it was the US Supreme Court that eventually appointed
    George Bush - saying that there simply wasn't time to properly count all
    the votes in Florida - the fourth biggest state.  He indeed was "selected"
    - not elected.  And selected by the majority of judges on the Supreme
    Court just coincidently appointed by the Republicans.

    Little George Dubya now maintains public support through cashing in on
    the September 11 tragedy - similar to our little Johnny winning the last
    election on fear and lies.  But Maggie Thatcher started this sort of
    approach years ago - and it seems to work.

    Aint democracy grand!

    [see the Quotes of the Week below.]

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    First up this week, from Di ....

               DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK

Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
British
Constitution

               IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK

Thanks, but I don't want sex.
No, I don't want another drink.
No kebab for me thank you.
Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
Good evening officer I'm not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.

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        Now a couple of oldies from Kerosene Steve ...

                                  Blondes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work,
she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the
task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He
walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool
of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the
same time.  He goes over and asks her if she is okay.

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that
she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said "For best results,
put on two coats."

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                  Remedy For Dealing With A Bad Day

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to
take it out on someone!  Well, don't take that bad day out on someone you
know - take it out on someone you DON'T know !!!

Now get this.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialled it.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin
Carter?"  Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!

I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.  I tracked down Robin's
correct number and called her.  She had transposed the last two digits
incorrectly.  After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
lying there on my desk.  I decided to call it again.  When the same person
once more answered, I yelled "You're a tosser !" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "tosser," and put it in my desk
drawer.  Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really
bad day, I'd call him up.  He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a tosser !!"
It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID.  This was a real
disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the tosser.  Then one
day I had an idea.  I dialled his number, then heard his voice, "Hello."

I made up a name. "Hi!  This is the sales office of the telephone company
and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.  I quickly called him back and said,
"That's because you're a tosser!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
You just dial 823-4863 !!

Also, When I was at the shopping centre, an old lady really took her time
pulling out of the parking pace.  I didn't think she was ever going to leave.

Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of
the slot.

I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.  Great,
I thought, she's finally leaving.  All of a sudden this black BMW come flying
up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that.  I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me.  He walked toward
the shopping centre as if he didn't even hear me.  I thought to myself,
this guy's a tosser, there sure a lot of tossers in this world.

I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car.  I wrote down
the number.  Then I hunted for another place to park.  A couple of days later,
I'm at home sitting at my desk.  I had just gotten off the phone after calling
823-4863 and yelling, "You're tosser!" (it's really easy to call him now since
I have his number on speed dial).  I noticed the phone number of the guy with
the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."  I said,
"Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street.  It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"I'm Don Hansen."

When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don - you're a tosser!"  And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler.  For a
while things seemed to be going better for me.  Now when I had a problem,
I had two tossers to call.

Then, after several months of calling the tossers and hanging up on them,
it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution : First, I
had my phone dial tosser #1.  A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."  I yelled
"You're a tosser!", but I didn't hang up.

The tosser said, "Are you still there?"  I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."  I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"  I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"  "1802 West 34th Street.  It's a yellow house
and my black BMW's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don.  You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, tosser!" and I hung up.

Then I called tosser #2.

I said, "Hello, tosser!"  He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"  "I'll kick your arse."

"Well, here's your chance.  I'm coming over right now, tosser!"  And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police.  I told them I was at
1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as
I got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W.34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the
whole thing.

Oh, GLORIOUS!

Watching two tossers kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad
cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life.

(Name withheld to protect the guilty)

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    And three familiar jokes from UK McNickers

                            A TIMELY JOKE

Prime Minister Jean Chretien was visiting an elementary school while a fifth
grade class was in the midst of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Chretien if he would like to lead the class in the
discussion of the word, "tragedy". Chretien asked the class for an example
of a tragedy.

One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives next
door, was playing in the street and a car came and ran over him, that would
be a tragedy.

"No," said Chretien, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Chretien, "that's what we would call a great
loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Mr. Chretien searched
the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"

Finally, in the back of the room, a solemn little girl raised her hand and
in a quiet voice said, "If you and everybody else in your government, Mr.
Chretien, were eaten by a pack of twenty hungry alligators, that would
certainly be a tragedy."

"Fantastique!" exclaimed the Prime Minister. "That's right! Can you tell me
why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said the girl, "It MUST be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be an
accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

   -----o-----o-----o-----o-----o-----o-----o-----o----o-----o-----


                               SENIOR SEX

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was
time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old codger decided it was time to broach the subject of their
physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, reponding very carefully, "i'd have to say I would like it
infrequently."

The old geezer sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he
looked her in the eye and casually asked, "was that one word or two??"

   -----o-----o-----o-----o-----o-----o-----o-----o----o-----o-----


                                 GORILLA

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas
of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Rick, a big
Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Rick, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with
ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo administrators
thought they might have a solution.

Rick was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with
the gorilla for $500? Rick showed some interest, but said he would have to
think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Rick announced that he would accept their offer, only
under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus." The Zoo administration
quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third
condition? "Wull," said Rick, "You gotta give me another wik to come up with
the 500."

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   This weeks non-ascci stuff comes from several including Kerosteve, Deanna,
   Ty, McKnickers, Chris Solnordal, Bad Boy Brett, and Haydn from Geelong.

   The first came in from Steve of Oregon who said: "This guy collects plastic
   bottles in Shanghai, China where he gets 1 cent a kilogram."

What a bottler Click here

Not Broadmeadows Click here

Topless dancers Click here

Cooooooeeee! Click here

New simplified tax system Click here

Big brother is watching Click here

Happy Daze Click here

Wank Capital Click here

United bunch Click here

New DMT management tool Click here

Look very closely now Click here

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           Something from Wellington Ben ...

                        KIWI CUSTOMER SERVICE

This is apparently a true story which occurred very recently in the Telecom
Call Centre in Lower Hutt. The Operative received a call from a somewhat
irate and very worried Pacific Islander who it seems needed some urgent
marriage guidance. The call went like this:

Telecom: How may we help you?

Customer: I haff a big problem with my phone bill. My wife, she think I
haffing an affair!

Telecom: Okay sir, and how can we help you with this?

Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I
haffing an affair with this woman but I never heard off her before. I need
to trace these calls please.

Telecom: Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the
person you're calling, just their number.

Customer: This one iss.

Telecom: What phone do you have sir?

Customer: A mobile. I tell you this.

Telecom: No sir, what make?  What do you have in your hands?

Customer: An erection.

After a moment's silence, the gallant Telecom worker continued:

Telecom: Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?

Customer: For sure - E.. R.. I.. C.. S.. S.. O.. N. Erection.

Another moment's silence from Telecom and suddenly the penny dropped.

Telecom: Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?

Customer: For sure. C.. E.. L.. L.. U.. L.. A... R. Salulah.

The end of the conversation was unfortunately not reported.

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           From Allnutts at Highett

                               Fishing

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a forest policeman in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you
doing?"

"Reading a book", she replies, (thinking - isn't that obvious?)

"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and ...."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault", says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you", says the policeman.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

  MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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         Finally from Trina who says ...

This is strange ... can you figure it out?

Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?

Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!

 * Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.

 * There's no trick or surprise.

 * Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time
   and as quickly as you can!

 * Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of
   them .. really.

 * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something).
                            .  .  .  .  .


   Think of a number from 1 to 10

   Multiply that number by 9

   If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together

   Now subtract 5

   Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you
   ended up with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c, etc.)

   Think of a country that starts with that letter

   Remember the last letter of the name of that country

   Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter

   Remember the last letter in the name of that animal

   Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter





                         *    *    *    *





   Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?

I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the population
whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people
will answer with kangaroos in Denmark eating oranges when given this
exercise.

Freaky,  huh?

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                p l e a s e     e x p l a i n    . . .


                        Quotes of the Week
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        by Winston Peters

    [ leader of the New Zealand First Party ... and the "Pauline Hansen" of
    Kiwi politics ]

"We're not going to get angry about it."

"The National Party lacks integrity, leadership. It lacks any vision and purpose
- and worst of all it doesn't understand what the word 'national' means."

"The Labour Party's rejection of NZ First was an absolute act of betrayal
given their frequent desire for co-operation during these past 2 1/2 years."

"Helen Clark has made it clear what she wants ... now she can live with it."

[ btw - she won!! ]

[describing the Greens, United Future, and Progressive Coalition]

"They are sort of doormat material, we're not."

"NZ First is now firmly in opposition."

           [ well Halleluiah! ... and may they stay there! ]

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[ End Fri humour ]


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