Friday humour - July 26, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Yo,
    As the 'privatise Telstra' debate hots up again and that idiot in the Oz
    Democrats who gave us the GST displays obvious difficulty in accepting
    the fact that privatisation may actually *not* be desirable, I came
    across some interesting facts and figures in the on-line version of our
    "Age" newspaper during the week.  One was "Telstra: let the real debate
    begin" Click here by Kenneth Davidson (always good value for common

    sense and hard facts).
    The other, "Privatised power casts light on the Big Lie" by Terry Lane
    Click here made equally interesting reading - also plenty of hard data.


    Terry's on this humour list, as some of you may remember.  Ken Davidson
    is also co-editor of the Dissent magazine Click here which I hadn't

    heard of until this week (must subscribe!).  The thing that really gets
    my blood boiling with all the privatisation that's been pushed onto us
    over the past 20 years by both the major political parties is the number
    of engineering and scientific jobs we've lost.  Victoria's SEC (State
    Electricity Commission) was a classic - I knew engineers and computer
    bods working there who *all* got the flick - local R&D was stopped dead
    in its tracks, of course.  And the benefit?  A fall of 0.01% in the cost
    of electricity in real percentage terms, so it seems.

    Privatisation (also known as "selling the family jewels") is absolutely
    great for the Govt of the day.  But it permanently bankrupts the country
    as regards providing a selection of interesting and fulfilling careers
    for our kids and theirs when they leave school (apart from selling pizzas
    or working at a bank).  And the income stream into the Govt coffers is
    essentially lost for ever.  And this is supposed to be a benefit?
    (I can see why most kids who turn 18 are now voting Green - at least
    they're showing some good sense.)

    [Steps off soapbox]  Onto some humour, beginning with something from
    John Klimek's list from over at the ol' Fosters Brewing mob ...
                               -----------------------

                                     TEXAS MIDGET

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his
testicles ached almost all the time.  As he was always complaining about his
problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor see what he
could be done to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor told him what the problem
was.  The doctor told him to drop his pants he would have a look.  The midget
dropped his pants the doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started
to examine him.

The Doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn
his head and cough - the usual method to check for hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc, and putting his finger under the right testicle,
he asked the midget to cough again.

"Ahhha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.  Snip, snip,
snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip,
snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that
the snipping did not hurt.

The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the Doc's office and
discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

"Gee, what did you do Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots!"
                               -----------------------


A blowhard Air Force FLT-LT was promoted to SQNLDR and received a brand-new
office.

His first morning behind the desk, an airman knocked on the door and asked
to speak to him.  After telling him to come in, the SQNLDR felt an urge to
impress the young airman, so he picked up his phone and said,

"Yes, Group-Captain, I'll get that to the Prime Minister immediately.
Goodbye, sir."

Then, turning to the airman, he barked, "Now what do you want?"

"Nothing important," the airman said, "I just came to install the
telephone."
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         Now for something from Maria the Harding - some homely advice:
                               -----------------------

    Do you know of anyone expecting soon?  You'll be so popular and considered
    a "big help" when you suggest the following names to your friends who
    are anticipating that bundle of joy ...

Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Fisherman's daughter: Annette
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Gambler's son: Chip
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
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     David Barker forwards something on every now and then ... for example:
                               -----------------------

                                HOW THE INTERNET BEGAN

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.  And Dot Com was a
comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.  Indeed, she had been called
Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to
town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short
a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling
you which hath the best price.  And the sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums.  The drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from
his tent.  But this success did arouse envy.  A man named Maccabia did secret
himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening
sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the
drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company
in the land.  And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known
"eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied,
"Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.  It wasn't Al Gore after all ...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And from our other list over in the ol' West, this just arrived:
                               -----------------------

                             BOOZING - IT'S A LIFESAVER

           Jul 12, 2002

Shaun Reaney has no intention of cutting down on the ale and curry after his
huge beer gut saved his life in a terrifying power saw attack.

The 22-stone builder, from Chelmsley Wood, suffered an horrific 18 inch wound
that would have killed a normal sized man.

But Shaun's mounds of blubber meant the steel blade of the petrol driven
power tool was unable to cut deep enough to damage his internal organs and
surgeons at Heartlands Hospital were able to sew him up without complications.

Shaun, aged 37, said today: "It's a good job I had that layer to protect me."

His wife Theresa said: "When Shaun came round the first thing he did was
remind me that his years of boozing had saved his life.

 "The doctors told me if he had been ten stone lighter he would have died
because the saw would then have sliced through to his organs."

  (Original at Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And some quick stockmarket advice passed along by Steve LMS Harding ...
      (recently made redundant over at Siemans together with about 30 others,
      so if know of any openings for computer/software engineers in Melbourne,
      drop me a line and I'll let Steve know - and BTW, he is *very* good at
      just about everything ... programming, systems work, management, et al)
                               -----------------------

                                 US STOCK MARKET TIP

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49.00.If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer,
not the stock) one year ago, drunk all the beer, then traded in the cans at
a redemption centre for the nickel deposit, you would have $107.00.

Given the current conditions of the economy, my advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.
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        To the pics and things - and first up, a couple from Colin MacRae:

Road Rager game:  Click here
Can you hear what I hear?  Click here
                              ---- % ---- % ----

      One hopes that James Powell's contribution isn't a premonition ....

A Dilbert ... Click here
                              ---- % ---- % ----

      From the place of queer cats up north, yet another great collection:

Banana-benders weekend: Click here
Whazzat?  Click here
Mum on the scales ... Click here
Which class?  Click here
What are you smiling about?  Click here
Bungee jumping: Click here
Miss, I can spell it!  Click here
                              ---- % ---- % ----

      And from Brett (yep - turn off your monitor, close the doors):

Give me a bone: Click here
More KFC: Click here
If you love her ... Click here
Not too demanding: Click here
Matresses Galore ... Click here
Got the time? Click here
Wife definition: Click here
Arrr, shit ... Click here
Coke what?  Click here
Don't say a Scotties ... Click here
M&Ms: Click here
Spot the embyro ... Click here
Bad driving: Click here
Amsterdam Primary school: Click here
At the Oz Open: Click here
Spot the boob: Click here
Tortuga #1 (M$ proprietary WMV movie clip): Click here
Tortuga #2 (M$ proprietary WMV movie clip): Click here
                              ---- % ---- % ----

     And finally, from Maria the Harding, we have the ultimate ...

Beach surprise: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Okay - onward and upward with some more type-written stuff.
         Firstly, this quickie from the UK and Brian D McNicol:
                               -----------------------

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other
outside the operating room.  The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you
in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little
nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about.  I had that done when
I was four.  They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jell-O and ice cream.  It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa!  I had that done when I was born.  Couldn't walk
for a year!"
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         And a cupla more from John over at CUB - quickies ...
                               -----------------------

Elton, Kylie and Robbie went for a night on the town.  As they left the
nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of
the fence opposite the club.

Robbie decided to take full advantage and yanked up her skirt and gave her a
good rear-ender.

"Your turn now, Elton" grinned Robbie, but Elton started crying.

Robbie asked "Why are you crying Elton?  What's wrong?"

Elton sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings !"
                        -----==============-----

Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other:

"You drive, I'll man the guns"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           Back up North now, and another contribution from QCAT:
                               -----------------------

                                   ETERNAL TRUTHS

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine.  Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Dogs have owners.  Cats have staff.

We cannot change the direction of the wind ... but we can adjust our sails.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again?

If the shoe fits ... buy it in every colour.

If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And to finish off for the week, for those of you (in Victoria, Oz)
        with kids at (or soon to be at) secondary school, this quick quizz.
        The original, much shorter version was posted via FH back on Oct 9,
        1998 (as sent by Nicki TBFXRD), but it seems to be gradually expanding
        over the years.  This version just arrived via John at CUB:
                               -----------------------

            HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

            AT ...

Scotch College: Two - one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to
pay the bill

Kildara: Eleven - one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience

Mater Christie: None - Upwey doesn't have electricity

Melbourne Grammar: Two - One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under
the pressure

Melbourne High: Only one, but he gets six credits for it

Haileybury College: Just one.  The school captain comes back after finishing
year 12 so can do it all by himself.

Mount Scopus: None - Burwood looks better in the dark

M.L.C: One - she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her

Carey: Five - one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing,
one to figure out how to power the rest of Melbourne using that nuked lightbulb,
two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the
wall switch

MacRob: Eleven - one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation

Ruyton: Five - One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect Kookai
outfit to wear for the occasion

Camberwell grammar: Three - one to change it and two to figure out how to
get high off the old one

Marcellin College: None - they're all at Shoppo

St. Leonards: Ten - one to change it, one back up if the first guy's too
drunk and the other eight to pray that it works

Melbourne Uni: Four - one to change it, one to call Parliament about
their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the Monash students

Camberwell High: Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how
she did it as well as a private school student

College of the Arts: Five - one to change the bulb and four to do an
interpretive dance about it

P.L.C: Eight - it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that
they're all violently twitching from too much stress

Xavier: None - their heads are too far up their own a__e to notice

La Trobe Uni: Seven - one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party
because he didn't screw it in upside down this time

C.L.C: One--but you would never know about it because only M.L.C and P.L.C
get press for changing their lightbulbs

Sion College:  Hang on, is that what they're meant to be used for?

Mount Waverley: Ten - 1 to change the light bulb, 2 to get smashed and drunk
because of it and 7 more to "support" the person who is changin' the bulb by
cheerin' her/him on and givin' it weed and s__t..

Sacre Couer: Three - one to use their mobile to ring an electrician and the
other to get their cheque book and pay for it.  The other one sits around
and smokes some weed and s__t while snoggin some De La guy ...

Wesley College: Two - one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician

Forest Hill Secondary College: One - but you would never know about it because
only Blackburn and Mount Waverley High get publicity for doing anything.

Strathcona: Two teachers - if it happens on a Wednesday, it's the year 12s
day off

Trinity: Five - one to change it, 3 to stare at his arse while he does it
and 2 to burn a hedge down

Templestowe Tech: Three - one to steal it, one to change it and one to smash
it once it is working again

Warrnambool High: Two - one pregnant 15 year old to change it

Moe High: Five - one to change it, one to beat the kid who changed it to death,
one to bury the body and two to lie about what they saw.

Siena: None - they're all too busy putting on their makeup to even notice

De La Salle: None - they're all too drunk to notice

Uni High: Seventy-six - one to change the light globe, fifty to protest the
light globe's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest
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