Friday humour - July 19, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

      G'day and Yo

    And welcome back to Joe Muscat who is back on the lis...

    ===!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!===

    bip bip bip    bip bip bip   bip bip bip   bip bip bip   booooom

     We interrupt this program to bring you a NEWS FLASH from our London
     bureau ...

  Panic gripped the streets of London this morning when patches of sky took
  on an unusual blue colour and a ball of fire appeared above the city. The
  phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries,
  unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the capital, causing many
  pedestrians to take off their hats and scarves, while motorists were able
  to turn both their headlights and wipers off.

  Tony Blair urged people to be calm and return to work as normal stating:
  "We've seen this sort of thing before", he said, "but it never lasts."

  There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend
  but a spokesman for No. 10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath".

       Tony [redacted] (Intrepid Reporter)
       IAAAS Network News
       London

        ===!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!===

   ... and a big how do you do to Mad Mick and Brian McKnickers who must be
   still be recovering from the shock.

   And welcome back to Joe Muscat who is back on the list via his new job at
   Unilever in the UK.  Next he'll be starring in Coronation Street or
   Eastenders.

   Before the jokes section try one of these 60 seconds trivia quizzes.  There
   are over 30 courtesy of The Perth Sunday Times: Click here

   You may prefer a bit of uplifting music courtesy of Wellington Ben while
   you read the ascci stuff: Click here

      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~

                     First an old quicky from Trina ...

                               COCO POPS

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know
what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear
after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU
want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your arse it won't be fuckin'
Coco Pops."

      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~

       From our Ty

                            GIRLS NIGHTOUT

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right
before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the
only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided
to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her
panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my
panties ..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone,
and one says to the other:

" We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good
last night, my wife came home without her panties ...".

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to
her arse that read, 'We will never forget you'".


      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~

            A series from Sunny QCAT

                             WILLIE WONKER

Willie was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him
back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since
it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium,"
and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but
the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

Willie called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor
came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

Willie answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."


      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~


                   THE EVOLUTION OF A FLIGHT ATTENDANT

IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR ONE MONTH
She blushes at dirty jokes
She wants to marry a captain
She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her intelligent
She reads "What Every Girl Should Know"
She thinks all men are nice
She wears her wings with pride

IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR SIX MONTHS
She smiles at dirty jokes
She wants to marry a second officer
She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her fairly intelligent
She reads "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
She thinks some men are nice
She wears her wings happily

IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR ONE YEAR
She laughs at dirty jokes
She wants to marry a ramp agent
She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her intelligent enough
She reads "The Art of Love"
She hopes some men are nice
She wears her wings doubtfully

IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR THREE YEARS
She tells dirty jokes
She wants to marry a man
She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her a little intelligence
She reads "How to Live Alone and Like It"
She knows all men are not nice
She still wears her wings

IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR FIVE YEARS
She invents dirty jokes
She wants to marry
She would rather not have to think
She reads "To Have and to Hold"
She would rather wear a ring

IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR TEN YEARS
She is the girl in the dirty jokes
She wants to marry, "but after all, is it really necessary?"
She can't think
She reads "Fact is Better Than Fiction"
She is glad all men are not nice
She wears a mink

      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~


                          WATCH THE LANGUAGE:

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant
of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some
minutes a stewardess approaches.

"Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man.

"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you."

"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot. "A double whisky and coke, bitch,
and make it quick, I'm thirsty! demands the parrot.

The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he
snatches without a word.

"Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee".

"Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away."

By which time the parrot has finished his drink.

"Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot.

"Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can't
wait all night!"

Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee.
Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to
adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.

"Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my
bloody coffee and I want it now!"

Two minutes later the stewardess returns, but this time with two enormous
security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back
of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane.

As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles up the parrot turns
to the man and says, "You're a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can't
fly, aren't you!"

      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~


   From KeroSteve

                  IMPORTANT GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT ...

The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom.

Because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance. A condom
stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's
actually screwing you.

      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~


    Some clever hints via a good oldie from Stevo ...

                   FLEAS ACCORDING TO MARTHA GARDNER

Recently I have received a number of requests from readers who own pets.
They have all been looking for a natural solution to control fleas. If we
keep pets, we must be prepared to accept the inevitability of the pests they
carry.

It is quite usual for fleas to jump from dog or cat to human, making life
miserable for the household. Weekly hard vacuuming is a must. Do the whole
house in one day and vacuum lounges, cushions, carpets, and mats, up and
down curtains, along crevices, and beds and their coverings. Take animal
bedding, cushions and mats outside and air them in the sun for a day, then
vacuum before bringing back inside. All animal sleeping areas and bedding
should be kept dry and treated with an appropriate repellent.

Herbs such as dried pennyroyal, cedar wood shavings or pine needles can be
scattered on and beneath bedding, or make a large pillow for your pet to
sleep on and stuff this with insect-repellent herbs, Include the previous
three, or Stinking Roger, wormwood, tansy and native peppermint.

Treat carpets, mats and pet bedding with the following flea repellent: mix
18 drops of neat pennyroyal oil with 500 grams of bicarbonate soda. Sprinkle
this over carpets, mats, etc; leave one hour and then vacuum. Neat
pennyroyal oil sprinkled over carpets and mats will send fleas hopping until
they drop from the fumes.

Use sparingly as the fumes can be overpowering.

You can make a flea repellent spray for treating your pet's bedding, lounge
cushions, and the like, by blending 20 to 30 drops of pennyroyal oil with
10ml of methylated spirits and then adding the mixture to a pump-spray
bottle containing 500ml of water. Shake well to mix and use on a fine mist
setting.

Pennyroyal oil can be bought from specialty shops that carry essential oils,
or even your health food store. It your health food store doesn't carry it,
they can certainly order it for you from their wholesale distributor.

Shampoo your pet Weekly to discourage fleas and other parasites, and add one
drop of lemongrass or citronella oil to their shampoo. Large dogs. such as
great Danes, will need two drops for the oil to be effective. Cats can be
treated by adding a drop of pennyroyal oil to the tip of their tail and then
working it up through their fur.

Brushing the animal's coat with cedar wood or pine lotion will disinfect
them, conditions the coat and collect the parasites and their eggs.

      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~

      From UK McNickers

                      WHERE THE CHOOKS COME FROM ...

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he
picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked,
"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy,
didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before
leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after
her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked
into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~

   Some graphic files now sent in by Dave, David Barker, Lan Vu, KeroSteve,
   Colin, Ben, Ty, Trina, and you know who you are ...

Hello boys Click here

Lesbian party cleanup Click here

Jet nap Click here

No longer required Click here

Slow down Mario Click here

Marriage Click here

Quiet holiday in Paradise Click here

Wild thing (M$ proprietary WMV movie clip) Click here

      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~


    More ascii from Wellington Ben

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday, the announcement
was followed by Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the NZ Governments
"Work for the Dole scheme" and hire unemployed youths from the Stokes
Valley. The decision was brought about by a recent documentary about how
unemployed youth could remove a set of car wheels in under 6 seconds without
proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8
seconds. This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari
management, as most races were won and lost in the pits. Ferrari would have
an advantage over every team.

How-ever Ferrari's expectations were easily exceeded, whilst during the
crews first practice session, not only were "da boyz from Stokes Valley"
able to change the wheels in under 6 seconds, they had resprayed, rebadged,
and signed the vehicle over to the Mclaren team.

      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~


   And from Rowan Davo

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to
an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the
world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order
to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves
and then decide on the correct way to proceed.

It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return
to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret operation is effected
and two days later the eager Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock:

"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."

Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."

Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."

Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."

Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."

Another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
"FBI MOTHER F*CK*RS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"

      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~


    Finally, a couple from Highett Dave ...

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who
could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

"Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!".

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and
told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said,"Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night with a toast about you Mary".

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been
there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come!"

      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~


                              Personal ad

The following personal ad appeared in "The Atlanta Journal":

"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE..... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love walks in the woods,
hunting, camping, and fishing trips, or just lying by the fire on cozy winter
nights. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me
the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get
home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call 404-xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an
8-week-old black lab retriever.


      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~ooOoo~~


                          QUOTE OF THE WEEK

    "You know, Collingwood often gets a good go from the umpires.
     Indeed, the Supreme Master's favourite saying is 'When it
     comes to free kicks, Collingwood not only gets the good end
     of the stick - they get the WHOLE STICK'. "

                                       - Guru Bob
                                         Coodabeen Champions
                                         3AW Saturday 10:00-12:00


      ~~ooOoo~~   ~~~ THE ~~~   ~~ooOoo~~   ~~~ END ~~~   ~~ooOoo~~

[ End Fri humour ]


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