Friday humour - July 12, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

       Gidday,
    Just a little late in getting the humour out this week - the kids
    apparently tried to play a Sony Music CD (Silverchair) on my main PC,
    and Sony Music CDs are apparently now "protected" so that they destroy
    your PC (or Mac) if you try to play them on there.

    The message here would therefore seem to be: Don't buy anything produced
    by Sony Music if there's any chance it'll be played on a PC or a Mac.
    I'm still evaluating the damage - my CD burner software (Easy CD Creator)
    has broken, the TCP/IP network connection seems to be sick, and who knows
    what other damage has been done as well.  I am not impressed with Sony.

    Considering that Sony Music make about 25% of all CDs, it seems that we'll
    need to be very careful in checking the manufacturer when buying CDs from
    now on.

    Anyway, all the more reason for some humour to round out the week - first
    up, it's over to the Foster's stubby empire and this one from John K:
                         --------------------------

Two Aussies, Roger & Ken were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold
drink or three.  After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents,
Roger came up with a brilliant strategy.

"I'll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!"

Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he
stuck in Ken's fly.  They then went to a nearby hotel.

"Two beers"' said Roger to the bartender.  They downed them as fast as they
could and the bartender waited for the money.  All of a sudden, Roger got down
on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Ken's fly.

"Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!" the bartender screamed and booted
them out the door.

They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs.

"I just can't do this anymore", Ken whined. "My knees are getting sore from
kneeling down on the floor so much."

"It's alright for you," said Roger.  "I lost the sausage after the third pub."
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       Now for something from our sister humour-list over in the Old West:
                         --------------------------

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year old.  You always feel like
you have to piss.  And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing
comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't
even crap anymore.  You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all
day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble pissing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really.  I piss every morning at 6:00.  I piss like a racehorse on a
flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?"

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight.
You piss every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.  So what's so
tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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           This next one was just passed on by one Michael Chapman ...
                         --------------------------

               BLIND PSYCHIC GROPES BUTTOCKS TO SEE FUTURE

                                By Nick Tattersall

BERLIN (Reuters) - Forget palm-reading.  A blind German psychic claimed
Tuesday he could read people's futures by feeling their naked buttocks.

Clairvoyant Ulf Buck, 39, claims that people's backsides have lines like
those on the palm of the hand, which can be read to reveal much about their
character and destiny.

"The bottom is much more intense -- it has a much stronger power of expression
than the hand in my experience,"  Buck told Reuters. "It goes on developing
throughout your life."

By running his fingers along a number of lines on the surface of a client's
posterior, he says he can tell them about their future monetary success,
family life, health and happiness.

He says lines representing success, career and artistic ability extend
inwards from the outer extremities of the buttocks, while a further five
lines radiate outwards.

"I began on a circle of friends and the circle grew," Buck said. "I am not
a new-age freak.  I treat people with great care and conscientiousness."

Buck, who lives in the northern village of Meldorf, northwest of Hamburg,
says all types come to him to have their bottoms read.

He sees his blindness as a great asset, not least because it means customers
do not risk having their identities revealed.

"All sorts come, from cleaning ladies and secretaries to prominent members
of the community.  For them, my being blind is an advantage because I can do
it without recognising them again in the future."  Buck has been blind since
the age of three.

Although he claims to have spent many years training his fingers, with his
index and middle fingers the most sensitive, Buck says even amateur buttock
readers can make a broad-brush assessment of people's personalities.

"An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic,
very confident and often creative.  A person who enjoys life," he said. "A
pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth."

He is quick to shoot down any suggestion that his buttock groping might be
motivated by anything other than a genuine desire to probe people's futures.

"I do not need to feel bottoms for my own pleasure.  My wife is quite beautiful
enough for me," he said.

Buck is reluctant to speak about his successes, but says he correctly predicted
an actress from a popular German soap-opera was going to write a book, and
says a stockbroker has been using his services for over two years.

"No stockbroker would keep asking a blind clairvoyant to tell them about
future stock prices if they didn't believe I could to it," he said.
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       And then there was this one, as sent in by Brett Valentine - ponder
       on this at church next Sunday (or Saturday) ...
                         --------------------------

In the beginning God created day and night.  He created day for footy matches,
going to the beach and barbies.  He created night for going prawning, sleeping
and barbies.  God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on
the beach.  God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide
tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies.  God saw that it
was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages,
steak and prawns for barbies.  God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth Day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,
drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies.  God saw that it
was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to
go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with,
so God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes.  God saw that
it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.  So
God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean
the barbie.

Evening came and it was the end of the Seventh day.

God sighed, looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of
opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes and Sheilas,
smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns, and God saw that it
was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.

And that's how Australia was created
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     Okay - quite a few pics and movies and sound files and Powerpoint
     thingees this week.

     First up, from Maria the Harding, comes this collection:

How to park: Click here
Oh, poo: Click here
Whore bunny: Click here
Africa: Click here
Install a Rheem ... Click here

     Then, from the sunny QCAT brains trust, we had this little lot:

While you were out ... Click here
Smile: Click here
Us and Them: Click here
The system's down ... Click here

     From Brett, we have the usual horny collection ...

Nice lunch ... Click here
Illusion #1: Click here
Illusion #2: Click here
Illusion #3: Click here
Illusion #4: Click here
Creativity: Click here
This means war ... Click here
Time to vote: Click here
Brazil cheerleaders #1: Click here
Brazil cheerleaders #2: Click here
Brazil cheerleaders #3: Click here
Brazil cheerleaders #4: Click here
Time to tidy up ... Click here
Which top do you like? Click here
Grandmother's are great: Click here
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       Over to the UK now and this recent posting from ex-Cr Maddus Mickus,
       who writes "An old baker friend of mine, Mr. Kripling of Margate,
       passed this on to me - laugh, I insist!
            Mad Mick from Markwick"
                         --------------------------

                           MORE TOMMY COOPER JOKES

So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears.
I said "Do you recognise the tune?"
He said "I recognise the ivory".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.
I thought "He's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".
He said, "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself
in a small suitcase.  I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds
later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the
factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?"
He said "Okay then".
I said, "Nearest to bull starts".
He said "Baa".
I said "Moo".
He said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night
before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
Then I rang her up and said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket and said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it".
He said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite ... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will
give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?"
I thought "That's all I need ... a Je-hoover's witness".

You see, my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes - he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom.  I said "I want to report a nuisance caller".
He said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot"
I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags.  He's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,
I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
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        Now over to that place of many X-Rays and music for this collection
        of one-liners from one bass player, Nicola Scarletto ...
                         --------------------------

I feel sorry for people who don't drink.  When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. * Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
* William Butler Yeats

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. * Anonymous

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
* W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? * Tee Mans

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. * Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence? * Stephen Wright

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken
out of me. * Winston Churchill

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose. * Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza. * Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
*Humphrey Bogart

And God said, "Let there be beer!"  And He saw that it was good.
Then God said, "Let there be light!"
And then He said, "Whoa - too much light." *Anonymous

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. * Dean Martin

To some, it's a six-pack.  To me, it's a support group. * Anonymous

His first miracle was changing water to wine.  Good move. * Anonymous
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            And three more from CUB ... err, Fosters (John):
                         --------------------------

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking
the Western Wall.  Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded
Jewish man praying vigorously.  Certain he would be a good interview subject,
the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, "You come every day to the Wall.  Sir, how long have you done that
and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years.  In the
morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man.  I go home,
have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness
and disease from the earth.  And very, very important, I pray for peace and
understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."

The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every
day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.

"Like I'm talking to a f**king brick wall."

                           ----====#===#===#====---

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have
you been?"

"I was out getting a tattoo, he said."

"A tattoo?  What kind of tattoo did you get, she asked?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."

His wife exclaimed, "What the hell were you thinking?  Why did you get a
hundred dollar bill on your penis?"

"Well", said the husband, "number one, I like to watch my money grow..."

"Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money...."

"And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at
home and blow a hundred bucks any time you want."

                           ----====#===#===#====---

A man is a golf fanatic.  His Saturday routine is to get up early, dress
quietly, get his clubs out of the closet and drive to the course.

On this Saturday it is raining a torrential downpour.  Snow is mixed with the
rain and the wind is blowing 50 miles an hour.  He comes back in the house and
turns the TV to the Weather Channel.  He finds this weather will last all day.
He puts his clubs back in the closet, quietly undresses and slips back in bed.
He cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers, "The weather out there is
terrible."

Her reply: "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
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         And to round out the week, this little trio from up at QCAT:
                         --------------------------


                       LET'S GET INTO ACCOUNTANTS

What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of
nothing.

                           ----====#===#===#====---

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional
manager.  He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for
the job.  He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first applicant was a journalist.  His answer was "twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer.  He pulled out a calculator and showed
the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer.  He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr
of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant.  The business man asked him, "How much
is two and two?"  The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door,
closed it then came back and sat down.  He leaned across the desk and said
in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

                           ----====#===#===#====---

Arafat wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.  He so
instructed his people, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released and Arafat was pleased.

But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints
that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.

He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter.
They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the
problem to Arafat.

Report said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp.
The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."
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[ End Friday humour ]



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