Friday humour - July 05, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

Yo from windy wet willie wilting Melbournetown - where strangely enough our
"arse licking" PM and the Opposition leader have coincidently decided to
take official junkets in the Northern Hemisphere.  The reference to our
wonderful PM was from one of Labor's best performing headkickers describing
Little Johnnie Howard's recent visit with Dubya Junior in Washington.
Strangely enough Little George has since had a colonoscopy.  We expect he
had advice from our great man ...

And now Laurie Oakes (the best paid political commentator in Oz) is
telling us that our Cheryl had an affair with Garreth ...  good God!  If
this is the best the parliamentry lot can do - it is a sad day for Oz!

What if they did?  Does it really matter?  Who fucking cares?

Let's keep foccussed on what matters.

That's my say.  And I'm Not Derryn Hinch - 08:30 to 12:00 each day on
Melbourne's 1116 - 3AK - which has moved to Richmond this very week - and
is back in AM stereo!

Check out Click here

AM stereo is STILL ALIVE - it's a pity nobody really seems to care ...

One could ask - does it matter that you actually have two ears?  Was God
trying to have something to say when He indeed created AM stereo?  - or
did He just think nobody would notice the difference?  Just between you me
and the gatepost I think He could hear the difference in both ears.

... and probably does

The Odd Spot from yesterdays Age:

Hong Kong's sixth year under Chinese rule got off to a not-so-auspicious
start when a special-effects firework that was supposed to spell out 2002 in
the sky ended up looking more like "SOS".

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

Firstly from Lisa (not with a Z) who writes:

"Ian, A friend of mine who works for GM sent me this about a Training season
she went a few years ago. Thought it was so good I had to share it. I've
taken her name off the email so she can't be identified. Cheers Lisa"

I work for General Motors (Europe). On a pretty regular basis we get to go
on 'training courses' designed by some of these 'gurus' - we all reckon that
they must play golf with the hotshots in Detroit.

Well I remember one Executive Training Session a few years back that was
supposed to help us to understand how others saw us and how our behaviour
affects others - ie we change our ways and we all get a win win

It was a weeks residential in a posh country hotel

I don't remember much except there were other companies there too - notably
a load of bankers from Barclays - the commercial trading division bloody
good old boys they were too - could drink as much as us lot!

This guru stood up on a podium and stretched out his arms expansively to
command our attention smiling and grinning and lapping up the moment He
looked a bit like Hitler.

Some wag started humming the theme from the Dam Busters.

The GM lot and the Barclays lot all got into formation and started the best
game of aeroplanes I've ever seen in all my life.

Over the chairs and tables - right through the podium taking out the Guru,
round the dining hall and eventually the squadron of some 30 planes burst
out onto the terrace where we took on the Luftwaffe the Japs and God knows
who else.

Best training session ever - I never did find out what happened to our Guru!

(your note just triggered the memory!)

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

    From Little Di

(who may now just as well be called Di.  Big Di has left, and was last heard
of climbing Black Mountain in FNQ.  She said it was too hot and sticky up
there though... ah, well - half her luck!)

                     LITTLE BILLY ON ... PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

Billy replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot. "

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Billy: "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench
having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop
of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The
third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

Billy: "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like
your thinking."

                        LITTLE BILLY ON ... MATHS

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied Billy.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f***ing difference? " asks the father.

"That's what I said."

                        LITTLE BILLY ON ... ENGLISH:

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

Billy says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Billy, that's a mouthful."

Billy: "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

                        LITTLE BILLY ON ... GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.  First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, she reluctantly called on little Billy.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!"

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

   From Dave Allnutts in Highett (which has just been merged with Man-Tech, of
   Claytown and Preston.  God help them!  I'd tell you the name of the new
   Division 'cept Dave's already forgotton - but he did enjoy the party ...)


A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one
thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around
furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively
and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would
be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple
assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they
didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that
she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go
lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up
and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then
leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The
man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

"She sells C cells down by the sea shore."

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

                          NASCAR FAN'S WEDDING

             Top Ten Signs You're at a NASCAR Fan's Wedding

10. A band of burly guys that call themselves the "Over the Wall Band" play
    "Here Comes the Bride" on their air guns.

9. The little flower girls drop lug nuts down the aisle instead of flower

8. The bride carries a bouquet of Craftsman tools.

7. There's a pause for a commercial break right at the good part.

6. The bride's dress is covered with sponsor patches.

5. As the bride and groom exit, they are sprayed with Coke, beer, and

4. The cost of the wedding is referred to as "three sets of tires."

3. The ends of all pews are covered in bows made of 200mph tape.

2. Instead of the customary "You may kiss the bride" the pastor shouts
   "Gentlemen, Start Your Engines!"

   And the #1 sign you're at a NASCAR fan's wedding is:

1. As the bride walks down the aisle, the Maid of Honour waves the pit board.

   [Ed note: Just in case you're wondering (as I was) what NASCAR stands for,
   it's the U.S. National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing.  It's been
   around since 1947.  There's some interesting info at "How Stuff Works" at
   Click here (but beware - HSW now carries so much animated-GIF advertising that

   your system may hang just trying to display it all) ]

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

       From Melb Uni Lee

                               IRISH JOKE

Mick is appearing on the Irish RTE TV 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'
programme (pre-Euro!).

Presenter: "Mick, you've done very well so far, you're on 500,000 Punt and
you've got one lifeline left - phone a friend. The next question will give
you the first ever million if you get it right, but if you're wrong you will
be out of the game and drop to 32,000 Punt. Are you ready?"

Mick: "Sure I'll have a go".

Presenter: "Which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest? Is
it: A- Robin / B- Sparrow /C- Cuckoo/ D- Thrush? Remember Mick, it's worth a
Million Punt."

Mick: "Er.... I don't know dat one at all at all.... no I haven't got a
clue. I'll phone a friend."

Presenter: "OK Mick, who do you want to phone?"

Mick: "I'll phone Paddy back in Ballynafeigh" (Ringing)

Paddy: "Hello, hello, dere....?"

Presenter: "Hello Paddy, it's Gay Byrne here from "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire". I have Mick here and he's doing very, very well. He's on 500,000
Punt but needs your help to get the Million. The next voice you hear will be
Mick's and he'll explain the question. There are 4 possible answers but just
one correct answer. You have 30 seconds to answer..... fire away Mick."

Mick: "Hello dere, Paddy. Which of the following birds does NOT build it's
own nest? Is it: A - Robin / B - Sparrow / C - Cuckoo / D - T'rush?"

Paddy: "Jayus, Mick, dat's easy.... it's a Cuckoo".

Mick: "Are you absolutely sure Paddy?"

Paddy: "Sure I'm bloody sure"

Mick: "T'anks, Paddy." (Hangs up)

Presenter: Well do you want to stick on 500,000 Punt or play on for the
first ever Irish Million, Mick?"

Mick: " I want to play, I'll go with C, the Cuckoo."

Presenter: "Is that your final answer?"

Mick: "It is, it is."

Presenter: "Confident?"

Mick: "Oh, ay, Mick's a real genius, he knows everyt'ing."

Presenter: "Mick..... you had 500,000 Punt and you said Cuckoo. You have
just won a Million Punt!!! Here's your cheque - you have been a great
contestant and a real gambler. Audience, please put your hands together for
Mick." (Applause)

That night Mick calls Paddy and invites him down to the local Pub to fill
him full of drink. As they're sitting at the bar, Mick turns to Paddy and
asks: "Tell me Paddy - how in God's name did ye know dat it was de Cuckoo
dat doesn't build it's own nest? Sure, ye know fock-all about birds."

"Jaysus, ye're a right eejit, Mick, dat was easy - sure everyone knows a
Cuckoo lives in a clock!"

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

This weeks graphics from Kero Steve, Dave, David Barker, Ben, Brett, Lan Vu,
and you know who ...

Flying arse about Click here

Dirty dog Click here

Dreaming Click here

Tactics Click here

Sometimes ... Click here

'ave a beer Click here

Just testing Click here

Just a thought Click here

The Glowowm Click here

Today's special Click here

Free parking Click here

The cleaners Click here

Run 'em down Click here

Frustrating (M$ proprietary WMV movie clip) Click here

Cow fight Click here [Plays super-fast on my player - Ed]

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

A trio from Kerosene Steve

                              THE 3 BEARS

The Three Bears... It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear
family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small
chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been
eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his
big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It
was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else
in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who made all the beds and washed all of
the clothes. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night
and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early
morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It
was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the
cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and
grace me with your presence.... listen good because I'm only going to say
this one more time....... I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING porridge yet!!"

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

                               THE CHURCH

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were
sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front entrance, trampling each other in a
frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the
church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without
moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his

Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY
for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.


More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

                              THE CREATION

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy
matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going
prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and
morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on
the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it
was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide
malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages,
steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and
morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth Day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,
drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was
good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone To go
to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God
created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was
good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a Rest. So
God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and
Clean the barbie. Evening came and it was the end of the Seventh day.

God sighed, looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of
opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes and Sheilas,
smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns, and God saw that it
was not just good, it was better than that, it was AUSTRALIA.

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

     From QCAT in the sun

                           QUALIFICATION CHECK

A retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line
for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter
asked him for his identification to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home.

"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and she
processes his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at
social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants - you might have qualified for
a disability pension too."

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

        And finally, some World cup quickies from Party Dave ...

Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six
o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton
Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.

Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!" to
which Beckham replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."

So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man
jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes 5,000 out of
his back pocket and hands it to Posh.

But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is,
I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to

"No, babe, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I
was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just
didn't think he would do it again."

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just
before the game, when Roy Keane walks in. "Boss," he says, "there's a
problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."

"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

Posh takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The mechanic
knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a
joke on her. "You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just
blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place."

So she takes the car home and tries it.

David spots her from the house, opens a window and shouts "You silly cow!
You have to wind the windows up first!"

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

Quote of the Week:

         We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO.  We have
         a firm commitment to Europe.  We are a part of Europe.

                                 Former Vice President Dan Quayle

       ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~fin~~~   ~~~oOo~~~   ~~~oOo~~~

[ End Fri humour ]

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