Friday humour - June 28, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    This week's contributions are (mostly) from the back of the drawer
    (about 12 months old) - from Mad Mick, Steve Harding, John at CUB,
    Neil Francis (Waterford), the Westerly list, Lucas Heights, QCAT,
    Maria the Harding, and Biggus McCallum.

    Firstly, from Cr Maddus (who's no longer a Cr) - this quick one,
    "sent to me by a trio of lovely BITCHES from KC3 in England" ...

                                 ARE YOU A BITCH?

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says "I'm a YUPPIE ... you know - Young, Urban, Professional,
Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a DINK ... you know - Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a RUB ... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies: "I'm a WIFE ... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it: "BITCH."

"What exactly is a BITCH?!?", they ask in unison.

"Babe In Total Control of Herself."

     And this one from Steve over at the German engineering place ...

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big
black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two
choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and
shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder.  This time a huge grizzly
bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you
have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.  Although he survived, it
would take several months before Frank finally recovered.

Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly
and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned
around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting,
do you?"

      Then there were these two - as passed on by John at Foster's (CUB):


If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap
while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or
musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your
family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school
for poor sex education.

If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty,
you blame the government or not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at
35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased
blames the airline.


    ... and ...

                     IS IT BETTER TO BE A JOCK OR A NERD?

$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes
$178,100 a day, working or not.

$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions
of sugarplums dance in his head.

$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550
while he's there.

$ If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 hours.

$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500
at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.

$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics,
and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents
for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However...

$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still
have less than Bill Gates has today.

$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.

       This next one (from Neil Francis) had the original URL, so ...

MS Support: Click here

       And from Biggus, this alternative "friend" poem - to add some balance
       to those soppy ones we see from time to time ...

                             MY FRIENDSHIP POEM

When you are sad ...
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking
bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue ...
I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.

When you smile ...
I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared ...
I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried ...
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to
quit whining.

When you are confused ...
I will use little words to explain things so even you can understand

When you are sick ...
Stay away from me until your well again, I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall ...
I will point and laugh at you.

This is my oath ...
I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend.

** Send to ten of your friends (and get depressed because you only have 2
friends, and one of them's not speaking to you right now anyway)

        And just before the pics, there was this one from the Old West:

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.  A very attractive
blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of
the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice, and yelled,
"Mama needs new clothes!"  Then she screamed ..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.  With that she picked
up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

      To pics now - beginning with a collection of look-alikes as passed on
      by Aaron Torpy:

#1:  Click here
#2:  Click here
#3:  Click here
#4:  Click here
#5:  Click here
#6:  Click here
#7:  Click here
#8:  Click here
#9:  Click here
#10: Click here
#11: Click here
#12: Click here

       And the usual excellent (if not occasionally dubious) collection
       from you-know-who over in the store ...

Neighbours: Click here
Wet T-shirts: Click here
FB1:  Click here
FB2:  Click here
FB3:  Click here
FB4:  Click here
FB5:  Click here
FB6:  Click here
FB7:  Click here
FB8:  Click here
FB9:  Click here
FB10: Click here
FB11: Click here

        ... and some movie versions ...

FB12: Click here
FB13: Click here
FB14: Click here

         Brett's next one has an explanation as follows:
     "This is a video taken in 6000 feet of water.  An undersea robot is
      sawing a 3 mm wide slit (1/10th of an inch ... remember that width)
      in a pipeline. The pressure inside the pipeline is 14 psi while the
      pressure outside is 2700 psi, or 1.3 tons per square inch.  Then a
      crab comes along ..."

Deep-sea fishing: Click here
Mastercard: Click here

      And this one from Gary Burge down the hall in Finance ...

Toilet: Click here

      Olivine passed this one on ...

Electrical: Click here

      From James.  First it was a PC motherboard with a valve (tube) ...

Now it's ...  Click here

      And finally, from QCAT, this little audio-only number ...

The Knack: Click here

      Now for another short contribution from Dave McCallum (Ock Aye):

 Three Mothers, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead were all talking about
their daughters.

The Brunette said "I was looking through my daughter's things and I found
cigarettes. I can't believe my daughter smokes."

The redhead said "Ladies, I was looking through my daughter's things and I
found a bottle of liquor. I can't believe my daughter drinks."

The blonde said "I was looking through my daughter's things and I found a
pack of condoms. I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"

       Then there was this little tale as passed on by Maria Harding:

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came
Murphy. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to
set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions,
and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9".

So Murphy says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says,"What the hell's that?"

Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine".

Fair enough, says the boss.

"Second question, same rules, but represent 99".

Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der
ya go sir" he says.  The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do
you get that to represent 99".

Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now, so it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n'
dirty tree, dat's 99".

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says  "All
right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".

Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "got it!" he makes a little
mark at the base of each tree, and says  'There ya go sir 100."

The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time.
Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred".

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty
tree an' a turd, dirty tree n' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes
one hundred.  So when does I start me job"?

    This one drifted over during the week from Cheryl at Lucas Heights -
    some more classic Soccer quotes (which seem to be as popular as ever):

'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'
 - David Beckham

'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.'
 - Mark Viduka

'We lost because we didn't win.'  - Ronaldo

'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed
at the end of the day.'  - Neville Southall

'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.'  - Ronnie Whelan

'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the
screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham.
My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there
playing.'  - Ade Akinbiyi

'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.'  - Stuart Pearce

'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's
the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager
I've ever had.'  - David Beckham

'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which
were disputable.'  - Paul Gascoigne

'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully
after that as well.'  - Alan Shearer

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.'  - Mark Draper

'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the
World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.'
 - Peter Shilton

'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but
let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.'  - Stan Collymore

'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.' - Ian Wright

'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.'  - Ugo Ehiogu

'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live
in Middlesborough.'  - Jonathan Woodgate

'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.'
- Lee Hendrie

'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'
- Ian Rush

'Germany are a very difficult team to play ... they had 11 internationals out
there today.'  - Steve Lomas

'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then, obviously, my right
sock.'  - Barry Venison

'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
religion yet.'  - David Beckham

'The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukranians will be more European.'
- Phil Neville

'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'
- Mitchell Thomas

'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.'  - Graeme Le Saux

'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.'
- Alan Shearer

'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.'
- Johnny Giles

'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'
- Les Ferdinand

'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it
worked.'  - Richard Rufus

'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.'
- Gary Lineker

'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.'  - Thierry Henry

         And a few more as passed on by Biggus to finish the week ...

Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way,
I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.

With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are
wearing yellow shirts.

If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.

Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests
that he may be elsewhere.

I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score
two to win.

If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.

You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were
[ End Friday humour ]

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