Friday humour - June 21, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

Yo from freezing cold Melbournetown where we've just had our coldest day
for four years.  Happy Summer to those in the top half whose Summer
officially starts today.  Half your luck!

A special hello! to Kate Hawins who is alive and kicking and has just
changed her e-mail address as:

    "The Hotmail junk mail filters hardly work any more, and all the
     ads for penis enlargeing pills aren't at all useful, or even
     funny any more."

Anyone whose had a hotmail account could identify with this though our
ex-storeman from Port still gets a tickle in his groin thinking there just
may be some hope left.  (And I didn't say that.)

BTW - AGAIN!!!  - please only write to me at "dav259@csiro.au" - and Happy
Easter to those of you who continue to write to me at Bluehaze.

Before reading the jokes why not try this quick news trivia quiz courtesy
of The Age? Click here

And when you get a chance, these dubious but interesting sites have been
"recommended" as follows:

From Shannon Keevers Click here
Margot Click here
Steve Kero Click here and Click here

Joke of the Week must go to Colin (the Duke of Nexhip) for his duck joke.
There is a Mars Bar award - but I bought the new "lite" version and there's
definitely something missing.  If you want it Col just pop in and claim your
reward - but I suggest you buy some decent Cadbury charity chockies from
reception - otherwise you'll be disappointed.  Maybe I should have reworded
that ...


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Firstly an oldie from Stevo who says:

"Perhaps we could have a DMT award for ones like this ..."


In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001):

                 WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that
one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS
before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had
been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart
attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.

He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning
when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.

His boss, Elliot Wachiaski, said: "George was always the first guy in each
morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual 'that he
was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was
always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem
examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a
coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical
textbooks when he died.

You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

And the moral of the story: "DON'T WORK TOO HARD. NOBODY NOTICES ANYWAY."

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A trio from Kerosene Steve

                         France & the World cup

What's the difference between a Wonderbra and France? A Wonderbra has decent
support and a cup.

What's the difference between France and Grimsby Fishermen? Grimsby
fisherman score quite regularly and know where the back of the net is.

What's the difference between a mini and Barthez's goal? You can only fit 2
comfortably in the back of a mini.

Why does Barthez sweat so much when he's excited? Because he's a twat.

Why do the French float on water? Because they're scum.

What's the difference between a new student and the French? After two weeks
a student has managed to score at least once.

What's the most expensive ticket on the black market in Japan? The next
flight from Tokyo to Charles de Gaulle.

What's the difference between France and China's world cup campaign?
3 days.

What's the difference between France's World Cup campaign and Garlic? Garlic
has influence and tends to lingers around longer then French football.

What's the difference between French Football and the Euro? The whole of
Europe is united in its view on French Football.

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the
kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The
first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman. The next
little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic. Then one little boy
says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret
for gay men. The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in
the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was
really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm
sorry but my dad plays football for France, and I was just too embarrassed
to say so."

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                            As I've Matured ...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk
them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After
that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more
screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its
place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you
too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.

Pass this along to 5 friends... trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows,
maybe something good will happen. If Not... tough shit.

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                    The Pope and Queen Elizabeth

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands
of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a
tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a
wave of my hand." The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says,
"Watch this". So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the
crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and
cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never
thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and
then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in
the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one
nod of my head." The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

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   From Colin N

[btw - Col - I couldn't get your conundrum thingo on - let's blame Bill
Gates for that - he hasn't been bashed for a few weeks]

                             Three ducks ...

Three ducks arrive at the Police station. In deciding why they're here, a
police officer goes up to the first duck and says "What's your name??" The
duck replies "Quack". The police officer then asks "And why are you here ??"
The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond." "Blowing bubbles in the
pond!! That's illegal!! That's a $50.00 fine!!" The duck agrees to pay the
fine.

The police officer goes up to the second duck and says "What's your name??"
The duck replies "Quack Quack". The police officer then asks "And why are
you here??" The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond." "Blowing
bubbles in the pond!! That's illegal! That's a $50.00 fine!!" The duck
agrees to pay the fine.

The police officer goes up to the third duck and says "And your name must be
Quack Quack Quack". And the duck replies "No, it's Bubbles".

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   From the hardman DigiSteve

                           The missing rooster

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in
the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and
about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the
priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village.

So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass,
he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All
the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen my cock?" All the altar boys stood up.

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A quickie from Wellington Ben

                      GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT ...

The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom
because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.  The condom
stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's
actually screwing you.

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A series from QCAT where the sun does shine ...

            Favorite tongue-in-cheek divorce announcements ...

SPLIT!! After six years Lester and Betty Have seen the light. Married Nov.
8, 1966 Divorced Nov. 6, 1972 Both are happily back in circulation. Call
Lester: 555-6500 (after 9:00 p. m.) Betty: 555-1115 (any time)

IT'S OFFICIAL Coleen and Michael G. Lamour have parted amicably and without
rancor. Coleen is once again happily Ms. Coleen Mahoney Residing at the
Honeycreek Towers. Michael's permanent residence is now on his boat: "I,
Pagliacci," Where he will continue to drift aimlessly ... forever!

WITH HAPPY HEARTS Lionel and Jane announce with pleasure the severance of
all legal and/or other bonds that may have existed between their daughter
Janet and That Boy. With the new month of August Janet enters into a new and
beautiful single life. As for That Boy -- May the Great Honcho in the sky
love him and keep him -- someplace else.


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Please add these to the back of the new HR policy!!!!!

Memo from your Management Team....

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They
are called Saturday & Sunday.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired
you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYS: All employees will take their holiday at the same time every
year. The holiday days are as follows: Jan. 1, May 1 & Dec. 25/26..

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you
can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is
done enough.

OUT OF OFFICE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse.
However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train
your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If
you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees
may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing
must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the compartments. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and the compartment door will open.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch
because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary, if we see you wearing =A3250 Prada trainers & carrying a =A3400 Gucci
bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need
a rise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

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A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he
replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just
testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
it?" Bond explains, " It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The
lady says, what's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any
panties...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because
I am wearing panties!"

Bond shrugs, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

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Miss Bea was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness
towards all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon in the spring and
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour. She invited him to have a seat
while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all
things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something! But he certainly couldn't mention
the strange sight in her parlour.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried
to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but
soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"

Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking down-town last
fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the
organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know ... I haven't
had a cold all winter."

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Three from Highett Dave

                 6:00am and 6:45 am a golf story

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a. m. on
Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were
talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the
group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they
could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a
7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse
congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily
invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or
6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played
left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week.

By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group
for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her,
"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the
covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to
the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf
left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

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   This weeks graphic files come from Steve Kerosene, Storeman Brett, DigiSteve,
   Colin N, Trina, and you know who you are ...

Rugby: Australia v New Zealand Click here

Morning breath Click here

"Argentrina" Click here

Reading the green Click here

Muppett Mangle Click here

Kermit catastrophe Click here

You need hands Click here

Wet T-shirts - Wow!! Click here

In your dreams Click here

Full cream Click here

Refreshment break Click here

Pleased pussy Click here

Photo's of the Year Click here

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    A few from John K over at Fosters (hic)

                Translating to English can be tricky

Sign in Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN
IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE
FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY

Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

On an Athel River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS
ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN
HELP.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET
HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT
THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF
THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST
METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON
HAVING A GOOD TIME

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE
GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN
ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL
DIRECTIONS.

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An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was
time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a
long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed
finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their
physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather
trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like
it infrequently". The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.

Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Was
that one word or two.?

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One Sunday morning, the priest noticed little Alex was staring up at the
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with
names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning,
Alex." "Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a
memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly,
they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the
8:00 or the 10:30?"

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Finally from Biggus McCallum

                             Three turtles

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe
packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The
trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole
days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of
the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve,
gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I
thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do
you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the
turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg
Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses,
knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about
two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their
great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets
off down the road, slow and steadily.

Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but
a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a
promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight,
Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of
dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the
diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich,
and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops
out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it! I'm not fucking going.'

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Quote of the Week:

      "The length of a film should be directly related to the
       endurance of the human bladder."

                                          -  Alfred Hitchcock.

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[ End Fri humour ]


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