Friday humour - June 14, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

       Yo,
    Well, next week's FH take us as close to our shortest day as it gets
    down under.  (And the longest day up north of the equator of course.)
    The Bad Astronomy site has some thoughts on all this, I notice - Click here
    plus lots of other interesting stuff - Click here

    One brief bit of housework - my server (Bluehaze) was dead in the water
    last Monday, Tuesday, and most of Wednesday.  I was told by Pacific
    Internet that it was caused by a Telstra fault at the local exchange
    (which took 57 hours to rectify, thank you very much).  Anyway, if you
    were trying to look at last week's FH pics during that time, you probably
    just got lots of timeouts, but there was little I could do.  (I did
    put things back on the air for a few hours via a MODEM backup link, but
    that seemed to confuse the ISP (Pacific), so I took it off again and
    continued quietly steaming)

    Okay, to humour - and this week it's courtesy of Steve Kero, John over at
    Foster's, Dave McCallum, the QCAT list, Brett V, the Long (as in Chris),
    and Rosalie Louey.

    So first up, try this piece as passed on by John at the malt-house:
                            ----------------------

I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city when I decided to stop at a comfort
station.  The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one.  I was
no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:
"Hi, how are y'doin?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations,
and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered,
a little embarrassed: "Uh ... not bad."

And the stranger said: "And what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions!  I was really beginning to think this was too
weird!  So I just said: "Well, just like you ... I'm driving east."

Then I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll have to call you back -
some idiot in the next stall keeps talking to me through the wall ..."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Biggus (McCallum) has been pretty quiet lately, but he just passed
       this collection of five goodies on for your amusement:
                            ----------------------

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed.  The bartender gives him a
drink and asks what the problem is.  All he says is, "All lawyers are
arseholes."

A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"

The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why?  Are you a lawyer?"

He replies, "No, I'm an arsehole."

                          ----===#==#==#===---

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.  She wanted a pair
of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay
the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest.  Maybe you'll luck out and
catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.  Just then, he saw a
huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.  She took aim, killed the
creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.  The shopkeeper watched
in amazement.  Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and
frustrated, shouted out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

                          ----===#==#==#===---

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home
and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.  The next morning, the
nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a
window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways
in her chair.  Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and
straighten her up.

Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other
side.  The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new
home. "So Ma, how is it here?  Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

                          ----===#==#==#===---

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.  The farmer who
lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy.

"Hey Willis, forget your troubles.  Come in and visit with us.  I'll help
you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would
like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now,
but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be silly!" smiled the neighbour. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

                          ----===#==#==#===---

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign
ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary
that he asked her to marry him.  The secretary was startled, but remembered
that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided
to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond,
along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his bat-phone, called his
personal accountant, gave him instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of
a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the
Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York,
then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, said,
"Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was startled, and knew she must think of a final request that
would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands.
After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly
lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And a quickie from Brett (who also sent in some more pics, below):
                            ----------------------

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.  One looks up and sees a
funeral procession starting across the bridge.  He stands up, takes off his
cap, and bows his head.  The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts
on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching.  I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all,
I was married to her for 40 years."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    And just before the pictures ... back over to Foster's for this one:
                            ----------------------

                  IF RESTAURANTS FUNCTIONED LIKE MICROSOFT

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter.  What seems to
be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork
instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are
you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work.  Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was
the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that got to do with the
fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine.  Bring me the tomato soup, and the bill.  I'm running late now.

   [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the bill]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir.  The soup and your bill.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter!  There's a gnat in my soup!

The account:
Soup of the Day.....................................$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day....................$2.50
Access to support ..................................$9.95
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Okay, a few pics now.  First up its' one from Nicki Scarlett (who added
     "This was sent to me as an "Ode to Zog" (our dog) who has rather a bad
     reputation in certain quarters.  It is in the BEST possible taste of
     course ..."  Yeah, right ...  Click here

     Some AIR projects via Rosalie (this'll keep you engrossed for hours :-) ...
  AIR: Click here
     As Rosalie says "In particular, the extensive research into Feline
     Reactions to Bearded Men (where do they get the funding to do such work?)"
  FRTBM: Click here "(and cat lovers beware: may contain disturbing images of

     cat experimentation ;-)"

     A couple from young Brett V in our store:
  Fun lesbian game: Click here
  Is this for real?  Click here

     And a few passed on by the Long ...
  Welcome to ... Click here
  Things go better ... Click here
  Big M: Click here
  Big $$$: Click here
  Baby just loves ... Click here

     Now for a collection from David McCallum:
  Sissies ... Click here
  This week featuring: Click here
  Solid reasoning ... Click here
  Hey, duck: Click here
  Anywhere'll do ... Click here
  Know your place: Click here
  Errr ... Click here

     Another one from Steve LMS Harding:
  Fantastic plastic: Click here

     And lastly, food for the big game:
  Korean hot dogs: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           To another ASCII one now, as forwarded on by Dave McCallum:
                            ----------------------

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught
the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the
weather was going to be.  Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied
to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members
of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist
at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in
order to be prepared.  One week later he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a
very cold winter."  The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them
to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the
coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.  The weatherman replied, "The
Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And someone who's gone a bit quiet lately - Steve Kerassitis:
                            ----------------------

     "If you know who Ali G is, then this is very funny.  If you don't,
      it may not be as funny ..."

[ Well, I don't know who Ali G is (gasp), but it's still very funny!  (Ed.) ]

   Ali G hosted the MTV Music awards in Europe last week - here are some of his
   quotes on the night ...

"The show will have some of the greatest musical artists in the whole
world ... and also Craig David. "

"Me personally is doing this because MTV has promised that me will get
to bone either Janet Jackson, Destiny's Child or Dido.  Obviously Dido is
the last resort."

"They say that good fings come in small boxes.  Kylie, I is got a very good
fing, and you've got ... nuff said!"

Introducing Dido "Give it up for Dildo!  Strap it on girl!"

"Due to recent world events, Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync and Christina Aguilera
will not be able to make it, so every cloud does have a silver lining."

"Atomic Kitten are proof that you can get to the top by boning thousands of
record executives."

"Don't worry Craig (David), there's a lot of slappers here tonight -
mentioning no names, Atomic Kitten."

"MTV is the best because for 20 years their quality showing of videos has
made them the only channel to turn to if you want to knock one out before
midday.  Me personally recommend doing it with the sound turned down, cos that
rubbish music can really put you off."

"The awards will be happening in Frankfurt, which is of course the town,
which gave its name to the hamburger.  Not only that but Ronald McDonald
was actually born there.  The show will be going out to one billion viewers,
which is literally thousands of people.  One billion is a very big number:
it is more than all the stars in the sky, all the sand in the sea, and all
the pubes on the Spice Girls - especially since Baby has had the 'zzzz.
Me know that for a fact.  Aaaiii!  Me know that."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Few more (three actually) from the Foster's Brewing Group now:
                            ----------------------

A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats available, except for one
at a table that was occupied by a man, and she decides to take it.

He said, "Hello, my name is Jim Snow, what's yours?"

The women replied, "June."

She went to get a drink and Jim Snow sat there smiling at her.  When she came
back he still sat there smiling.

June was a little embarrassed, so she bashfully said, "Why are you smiling
at me like that?"

Jim answered, "Well, just imagine having 6 inches of Snow in June!"

                          ----===#==#==#===---

Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a train.  A man of Arabic-appearance
got off the train and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind.

She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the
escalator and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain
large bundles of money and white powder.  He looked around to make sure nobody
was looking and whispered: "I can never repay your kindness, but I will
try to ... with a word of advice for you - STAY AWAY FROM SYDNEY".

My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she
asked him.

"No", he whispered back ... "It's a sh**hole"

                          ----===#==#==#===---

            HOW THE MILITARY HAS CHANGED FROM 1945 TO 2002

1945 - NCO'S had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
2002 - Everyone has an Internet access computer, and they wonder why no
       work is getting done.

1945 - We painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
2002 - Do it now and see what happens!

1945 - If you got drunk off duty your mates would take you back to the
       barracks to sleep it off.
2002 - If you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.

1945 - You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
2002 - You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat
       because you're out of ammo.

1945 - Canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or tea in them.
2002 - Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them,
       and they always taste like plastic.

1945 - Officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect.
2002 - Officers are politicians first and beg not to be given wedgies.

1945 - They collected enemy intelligence and analysed it.
2002 - They collect your pee and analyse it.

1945 - If you didn't act right, the RSM put you in the slammer until you
       straightened up.
2002 - If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you
       forever.

1945 - Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
2002 - Medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters or relaxing in
       a hotel.

1945 - You ate in a mess, which was free, and you could have all the food
       you wanted.
2002 - You eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pad of butter
       costs, and you better not take too much.

1945 - If you wanted beer and conversation you went to the Canteen, SGTs'
       or OFFRs' messes.
2002 - The beer will cost you $7.75 (if available), membership is forced,
       and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945 - ASCO (Australian Services Canteens Organisation) had some bargains
       sometimes for soldiers who didn't make much money.
2002 - You can get better and cheaper merchandise at K-Mart and Big W.

1945 - Mouth off to a sergeant and get thumped.
2002 - Do it now and get handed a "time-out" card.

1945 - We called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't
       like them.
2002 - We call the enemy "opposition forces" or "aggressor" because we
       don't want to offend them.

1945 - Victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things
       were broken.
2002 - Victory is declared when the enemy comes on TV and says he's sorry.

1945 - A commander would put his arse on the line to protect his people.
2002 - A commander will put his people on the line to protect his arse.

1945 - Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
2002 - Wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.

1945 - All you could think about was getting out and being a civilian again.
2002 - All you can think about is getting out and being a civilian again.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And finally for the week ... one from up north - QCAT:
                            ----------------------

          TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9.  He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8.  When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7.  Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6.  Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5.  Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4.  Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3.  Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2.  When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1.  You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



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