Friday humour - June 07, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

      Yo,
    And almost time to relax for yet another week.  The snow weather's almost
    here (although when I went outside last night, the temp had shot up to
    19c - about 66f - not too bad for a day that had already topped out at 16c
    just after lunch).

    On that subject, a new recipient on the list today (Howard over at Preston
    Aviation Solutions, via Colin) thought some of you might like to keep
    an occasional eager eye on our snow conditions here in Victoria and he
    passed on this link: Click here

    Okay - the stuff of humour this week comes to you via Maria Harding, our
    Westerly and Northerly lists, John at CUB, Brian D McN (UK) and Keith
    Cathro (via Lachlan).

    First up, this quickie from Maria:
                             ---------------------

                            A TENSE MOMENT IN SCHOOL

A High School English teacher spent a lot of time correcting grammatical errors
in her students' written work.  She wasn't sure how much impact she was having,
though, until one busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Ma'am?"

"Tense." she replied.

After a slight pause the student tried again, "What 'was' the matter?
What 'has been' the matter?  What 'might have been' the matter?"
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              And this quickie from the D-Gen mob out West ...
                             ---------------------

At the International Beer Awards in Melbourne, all of the CEOs of the world's
major breweries get together for pre-dinner drinks.

The CEO of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller
Lite, the Fosters chairman orders a Fosters, the Swan CEO orders Swan Lager,
and the list goes on.

Then the waiter asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to
everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah.  If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
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           Back to Maria for this collection of quick one-liners ...
                             ---------------------

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you!  It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Losing a husband can be hard.  In my case it was almost impossible.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humour?

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

All generalisations are false, including this one.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things ... like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many.  Monogamy: same thing

Clones are people two.

Did ya hear?  They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise my hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
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     To the UK now, and this little story as passed on by Brian D McNicol:
                             ---------------------

On the first day of Grade 3, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to count
to 50.  Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37.  But Johnnie
did extremely well, he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.

At home he told his dad how well he had done.

Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the
alphabet.  Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie
outdid them again.  He made it all the way through, missing only the letter
"m".

That evening he once again brought his dad up to date and dad explained to him,
"That's because you are from Newfoundland, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.  Johnnie
noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly
"well-endowed".  This confused him.

That night, he asked his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine
is ten times bigger than theirs.  Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"

"No, son," explained dad, "That's because you're 18."
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        One from one of our retired scientists, Keith Cathro, passed
        this on via Lachlan (latter is currently based in the UK but this
        week, he's over at Columbia Uni ... I give up):
                             ---------------------

                    DEPRESSED MAN DIAGNOSED AS "BRITISH"

George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, was recently
diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti- depressants and scheduled
for controversial Shock Therapy, when doctors realised he wasn't depressed
at all - only British.

Not depressed, just British.  Mr Farthing, a British man whose characteristic
pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical
depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric
system.  Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative
Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether
it's trains arriving late, England's chances at winning any international sports
event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams

"The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed
particularly pathological," reported the doctors.

"They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr
Farthing.

"They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd
become suicidal.  I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said
that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."

Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of "weapons-
grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy
repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad, really".

It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.  Suicidal?

Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't believe
his ears.

Quote "His story of a childhood growing up in a grey little town where it
rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing
a football team who never won, seemed to be typical depressive ideation or
false memory.  Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want
to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and later
how difficult and hot it was in summer.  I felt he wasn't responding to therapy
at all and so I recommended drastic action - namely ECT or shock treatment".

"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber
bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr
Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible
mistake'."

Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy giving her an understanding
of the British psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert
Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever
doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US
medics. "That's funny in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all."

Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical
depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged
from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an "I love
New York" T-shirt.
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      Okay, to the pics now.  First up this week, this one from QCAT:
                             ---------------------

Go here for MAD COW disease  Click here
  -> BTW, the above link seemed rather slow when I tried it, and you may get it
  quicker from bluehaze: Click here

   This one from the old West:

Quick - hire this Kiwi into CSIRO to tackle our Big Hairy Audacious Goals: Click here

   And from Brett the Valentine, we have this collection:

Something old and something new: Click here
Ugh agh arrr ... Click here
Now, darling - Click here

   The barker with the flip-top headlights down in Electronics passed
   on this litle collection ...

It's magic: Click here
I wish ... Click here
Ooops ... Click here
This way - err ... Click here
Careful now: Click here

   And these floated down from the wet but warm QCAT place, where they just
   don't worry about that (or this):

Having fun at work: Click here
Who, me?  Click here
It's another thesis: Click here
Ooops again ... Click here
Yum yum! Click here
Naughty naughty ... Click here

   Here's another contribution from Mr Harding, Esq:

Ah, these BMs ... Click here

   And Deanna sent this to make you smile (tres sweet) ...

Love: Click here

   Now James couldn't believe this - a way to stay warm on these cold
   winter nights whilst working at your PC ...

The latest fad (hope not): Click here

   And the last one's from Rosalie and Maria:

Well, gidday: Click here
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          Back to the old West for more ASCII material and this quiz:
                             ---------------------


                                WESTIES QUIZ 101

                                   EXAM START

1.  If Mario fits a monster tacho to his TE Gemini, how much quicker will it
    go down the quarter mile along Bexley Road on Friday night?

2.  If Stella (who is 26) is only allowed to go out for 8 hours on a weekend
    and on Friday night she goes out with her 14 cousins to DCMs for 5 hours,
    how long can she go to Norton St for a coffee on Sunday night?

3.  Mohammed has 7 children and gets $600 a week from Social Security, if he
    goes to the TAB and puts half of it on a donkey in the 5th race at Warwick
    Farm that's paying 22 to 1 because Ali says it's a fix, how many stolen
    car stereos does he need to sell when the horse fails to finish?

4.  Jim has just got a big payout from workcover for a bad back, does he:

      A: spend the money on a holiday back home to Greece
      B: use the money to put Doric columns in his Earlwood house verandah
      C: go to the casino and try to double it.

5.  George is going to the underage disco on Saturday.  Will he get in easier
    if he wears his Kappa tracksuit or his Adidas tracksuit?

6.  Mario and his mates are going cruising in Brighton Le Sands on Friday
    night, how many stone chips will his car get if he doesn't fit his car bra?

7.  How much quicker will Ali's VK Commodore go if he fits the stolen VL
    turbo badge on it and shifts the number plate to the side so it looks
    like he's running an intercooler?

8.  From how far can you hear Ricky Martin being played in Rocky's Hyundai
    Excel, if he has just fitted 2,500 watt amps and twin 15 inch subwoofers?

9.  Habib wants to go to Embassy nightclub on Saturday night.  How many cousins
    does he need to take with him in case he gets thrown out and wants to
    fight the bouncers?

10. Farouk's mates are going down to Maroubra Beach for the day.  How much
    gel will he need to take with him if he goes into the water for a swim
    and still wants to look cool for Maslins later?

11. How many chicks does Jimmy need to say he scored on the weekend if he
    wants to sound cool to his work mates at the panel beater's on Monday?

12. Spiro has got a big date on Saturday and wants to look ripped in his
    skin tight lycra top.  How much will he need to bench press at the gym on
    Friday night?

13. Nick's 6 mates want to go down to Wiley Park McDonalds in his VK Calais
    5.0 ltr.

      A: How much petrol money does he need to get off each guy if he's
         running a 3000rpm stall and 4.11 diff ratio?
      B: If they cruise down Canterbury Road how many times will they get
         called bloody wogs?
      C: On the way, how many drags will they have against XD Falcons?

14. Who should Maria go out with this weekend if:

      A: George is a DJ and drives a Gemini with fake supercharger inlets
      B: Mario works for his Father's concreting company and drives an XF
         ute with a big block and Pioneer sound system
      C: John who's unemployed but can get drink cards at Rivas nightclub

15. If Con works at Franklins at Fairfield, how much overtime will he need
    to do to pay Ali the delivery driver for the sickmate 18 inch Simmons
    wheels he just scored?

16. Nguyen's parents just bought him a brand new Honda Civic.

 Part A: He has $2000 to spend on after-market parts for his car.  What should
 he buy:

      A: A full 4inch stainless exhaust with a turbo tip
      B: 18 inch Zepter chromed wheels and 25 series tyres
      C: A rear Nascar wing
      D: A Mugen racing sticker pack

Part B: How many stuffed toys should he glue to the dashboard:

      A: less than 10
      B: More than 10
      C: More than 20

 Part C: How much quicker will the car go if he colour codes the mirrors,
 the brake rotors and windscreen wipers?

17. Mick wants to put either a Jim Beam sticker or a Porn Star sticker on
    his Torana.  Which one will get him more roots?

18. If Gianni chops the springs in his parent's new VX Commodore, how many
    times a week will he get hassled by the cops if he puts 90% tinting on
    the windows as well?

19. How much better will George's stereo system sound if he puts an Alpine
    sticker on the back window of his Bluebird?

20. Voula from Eastlakes shares a room with her 3 older sisters.

      A: How much will she need to bribe her sisters if she wants to sneak out
         and go to the Plaka Bar on Saturday night?
      B: How many times a week does her father need to unblock the sink in
         the bathroom?

21. If Joe goes to the Cargo Bar every Friday and Saturday night for a month,
    how many condoms do you think he will need:

      A: less than 10
      B: more than 10
      C: none, because he won't pull a root

22.  Rosa wants to upgrade her phone from an Ericsson to a Nokia because they
     are much cooler.  Which one should she go, for the 8250 or the 8210?

23. It's nearly summer and Guido, 19, is worried about the hair growing on
    his back.  Should he:

      A: Shave it
      B: Wax it
      C: Get electrolysis like his sister
      D: Leave it because his mates say chicks dig hairy men

 24. Pina's parents just bought a new lounge room suite.  How long does the
     plastic stay on it?

      A: 1 year
      B: 2 years
      C: Never comes off

25. Enzo wants to drop a burnout at Ashfield Maccas.  How many RPM will he need
    to get to before he drops the clutch if his fat cousin is in the back seat?

26. Vince is going to Embassy on long weekend Sunday night.

      A: How tight will his new hipster pants have to be so the door bitch
         won't check his ID?
      B: How much Kouros aftershave should he wear?

27. Ali's friend just bought a pro stock Gemini that pulls 13 second quarters
    with a stock 1.6 ltr engine.  How many gauges does he need to complement
    the 4inch exhaust he has just hose clamped to the old 1.75 inch system:

      A: 2
      B: 3
      C: 4 or more.

28. Khalid wants to look like a homeboy from LA.

      A: Does he wear his cap backwards or forwards when he goes to George
         Street on Friday night?
      B: How low does he need to wear his pants?

29. If Soula leaves school at 14 to be become a beauty therapist, how long will
    she need to work before she saves enough money to go on a holiday to Greece?

30. How long does it take Fadi and his mates to strip a hot Subaru WRX?

31. If Azzurri loses this weekend in the soccer, how many car windows will
    be smashed after the match?

32. Con and his mates are going to the Kick Boxing fight at the Casino.
    How many fights will they try and start in the line to Plaka afterwards?

Bonus Questions:

33. How many Holden Commodores are there in Campbelltown?
34. How many guys named Wayne are there in Campbelltown?
36. How many guys named Wayne are in Campbelltown that drive Commodores?
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          And another one from Maria - can you guess the punch line ...?
                             ---------------------

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills;

if you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains;

if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles;

if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it;

if you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time;

if you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no
fault of yours, something goes wrong;

if you can take criticism and blame without resentment;

if you can face the world without lies and deceit;

if you can conquer tension without medical help;

if you can relax without liquor;

if you can sleep without the aid of drugs, then

    ...........








    scroll down ...









       ... well then ...









   ...... you are probably a cat or a dog.
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          Over to CUB now and this one from John K of Jenny fame:
                             ---------------------

Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months.  He walks to work every day and
passes a shoe store.  Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a
certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes.  He wants those shoes so much it's all
he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases
them.  Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance in
the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli
leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear
red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but
how do you know?"

Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather
shoes.  How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do
you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?"

He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes.  How
do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giorgio
asks Carmella to dance.  Midway through the dance his face turns red.  He says,
"Carmella, still a my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties
tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."

Giorgio gasps and says ... "Thanka God ... I thought I had a rip in my
$300.00 Bocceli leather shoes!"
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  And the final word this week from the Highett Nutt and Wellington Ben ...
                             ---------------------

Apparently they are having difficulty getting Hansie Cronje cremated.

Seems that no one wants to throw the match.
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[ End Friday humour ]



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