Friday humour - May 31, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:


Good Friday to the assembled assorted plebs ... tomorrow it will
officially be winter in Oz - as most Aussies couldn't count till the 21st
of the month without disrobing one way or another ...

Forgive me if some of these are recycled - I'm temporarily using the windoze
filing system.

To get you in a chirpy mood from the outset, bop along a little and put on a
happy face: Click here

To exercise those little grey cells try this quick quiz on the colours of
10 national flags.  See if you do better than the author who obviously isn't
German  :)  Click here

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   Firstly the Allnutt selection:

                          THE SALARY THEOREM

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that: "Engineers and scientists can never
earn as much as business executives and sales people." This theorem can now
be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two
postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer and scientist knows: Power = Work/Time
Since: Knowledge=Power Time=Money, then: Knowledge=Work/Money

Solving for Money, we get: Money=Work/Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of
the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.


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                            I want to be ....

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.  You do nothing but sleep for six
months.  I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.  I could deal
with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.  I
could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.  You swat anyone
who bothers your cubs.  If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I
could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.  He EXPECTS
that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup..... I wanna be a
bear.


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                        Job application question:

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus
stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

There can only be one passenger in your car and you can't return to the bus
stop once you have left it (I don't know why, it's just part of this stupid
question!). Which one would you choose to offer a ride? Think before you
continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually
used as part of a job selection process so your future could depend on how
you answer this question.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you
should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once
saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up
with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take
the old lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with
the woman of my dreams." The moral of the story is that we can gain more if
we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations and "Think Outside
of the Box."

Nobody came up with my correct answer which is, of course, to run over the
old lady and put her out of her misery, shag the perfect woman silly on the
bonnet of my car and then drive off with my old friend to the nearest pub to
get pissed.


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    Then, from Kerosene Steve:

                     A man went into a pharmacy

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman
he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her
sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then
asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The
man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that
she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to
discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest
level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I
have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe
embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she
returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can
do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living
expenses".

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       And a few from Scott from Minnesota

                           Engineer Humor


Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file,  and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the
   wrong way.


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                    You might be an engineer if ...

Choosing between buying flowers for your wife/husband and upgrading your
RAM is a problem.

You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

The salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your
questions.

At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

For your wife/husband's birthday you gave her a new CD-ROM drive or a Palm
Pilot.

You can quote scenes from any Monte Python movie.

You can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own handwriting.

You comment to your wife/husband that her straight hair is nice and
parallel.

You sit backwards on Disney rides so you can see how they do the special
effects.

You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

You know what Click here stands for.


You look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids toys together.

You see a good design, and have to change it.

You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

You think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.

You window shop at Radio Shack.

Your laptop computer cost more than your car.

Your wife/husband hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

You've already calculated how much you make per second.

You've tried to repair a $5 radio.


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             Why engineers do not write recipe books:

Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients:

1.  532.35 cm3 gluten

2.  4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

3.  4.9 cm3 refined halite

4.  236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

5.  177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

6.  177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

7.  4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

8.  Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

9.  473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round bottom flask (reactor #1) with an overall heat
transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two,
and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100
rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is
homogeneous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the
homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten
slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the
reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an
exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extruder attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a
period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate
expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the
reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C ? 5C heat-transfer table,
allowing the product to come to equilibrium.


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             A pastor began his sermon with this story:

"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into
some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the
flight attendants began to look concerned.

Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the
passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening.
Do you suppose you could, I don't know ... do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."

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   One from British Nickers ...

CANADIAN JOKE #1

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey  Bob! Whacha get the case of beer
for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers  Bob.

Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."


CANADIAN JOKE #2

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and
asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a
Newfie?"

"Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I  have to do is cut out
1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

The  Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation.
However,  the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of
the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's
brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the
patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm
terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting
out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"


CANADIAN JOKE #3

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and cape breton The Newfies
were lobbing hand grenades; the cape bretoners were pulling the pins and
throwing them back.


CANADIAN JOKE #4

In Canada we have two seasons......six months of winter and six months of
poor snowmobiling.


CANADIAN JOKE #5

One day an Englishman, an American, and a  Canadian walked into a pub
together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue.  Just as they
were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed, one in each of
their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over
the pint,  yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!"


CANADIAN  JOKE #6

A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some
pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.


CANADIAN JOKE  #7

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident.  They
were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them
died before they arrived.

Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and
opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors
and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I  remember the crash, and then there was a
beautiful light, and then the  Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at
the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too
young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to
earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the
next thing I knew was back here."

That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other
two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the
price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his".


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     An oldie and newie from Wellington Ben:

                           Aussie brick layer

Australian bricklayer report. Possibly the funniest story in a long while.
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter
of the Australian equivalent of the Workers Compensation board. This is a
true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for
sure.......

Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put poor planning as
the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found
that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be
slightly in excess of
500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them
in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the
building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the
roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down
and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the
bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh
135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say,
I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of
the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an
equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor
abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident
report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately
by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly
to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the
same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell
out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel
weighed approximately
50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent,
down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the
barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth
and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed
to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks
and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report,
however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I
again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I
lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.


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                   EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

                  EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on
their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat
I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I
was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning
foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid.
My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant,
and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can
wait, it is only a matter of time... .


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   Three from Steve from Ontario (Oregon State - not Canada)

        Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

   1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

   2) The farm was used to produce produce.

   3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

   4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

   5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

   6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

   7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
      to present the present.

   8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

   9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

  10) I did not object to the object.

  11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

  12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

  13) They were too close to the door to close it.

  14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

  15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

  16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

  17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

  18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

  19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

  20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

  21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


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Our non-ascii stuff this week comes from (amongst others) Trina, Brett,
Digital Steve, Ty, Beryl, DavidA, & Deanna Banana.


Acting like sheep Click here

Dick's day Click here

Dog day afternoon Click here

Thought for the day Click here

D&M Thoughts Click here

Not advisable Click here

Nifty parking Click here

First prize Click here

Heavy biker Click here

Have a ball Click here

Liquid flashers Click here

Tired Click here

High jump Click here

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Back to some ascci from the Deviants in Perth

                        Kiwi bashing joke

A New Zealander, was in the UK to watch the All Blacks and was not feeling
well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said the kiwi. The doctor gave him a
thorough examination and informed him that he had long existing and advanced
urogenital problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way
doc" replied the Kiwi "I'm gitting a sicond ipinion ey!"

The second English doctor gave him the same diagnosis and also advised him
that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, the Kiwi again
refused the treatment. He was devastated, but with only hours to go before
the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get
one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Mate, you huv problems down bulow,
ey" "What's the cure thin doc?" he asked, hoping for a different answer.
"Wull", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls.

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said the Kiwi, "those pommy bastards wanted to
take my test tickets off me!"

      ---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

>From Trina

                  Its good to be a bloke because....

* Your bum is never a factor in a job interview.

* Your orgasms are real. Always.

* Your last name stays put.

* The garage is always yours.

* Wedding plans take care of themselves.

* You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

* Car mechanics tell you the truth.

* You don't give a rat's arse if no one notices your new haircut.

* Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

* Same work - more pay.

* Wrinkles add character.

* You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
        adjustments.

* If you retain water, it's in a water bottle.

* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

* New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.

* Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

* Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything
        different?

* One mood, ALL the time.

* Available for action 31 days a month.

* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

* A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

* You can open all your own jars.

* Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.

* You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

* You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

* If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still
        be friends.

* If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

* Everything on your face stays its original colour.

* You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

* You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader is coming.

* You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
        ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."

* You can have your own dessert rather than mooching off your
        partner's.

* You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a
        little gift.

* If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
        just might become lifelong friends.

* You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

* You don't have to stop to think which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

* You almost never have strap problems in public.

* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

* The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

* You don't have to shave below your neck.

* Your belly usually hides your big hips.

* One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all season.

* You can "do" your nails with a penknife.

* Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
        December 24 in 45 minutes.


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    Finally from Sunny Qcat

                      "A Chill In The Air"

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting
on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothingon below the
waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.  This is your grandma's idea."

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Quote and Sick Joke of the week:

         A good friend will bail you out of jail...

         ... but your best friend will be the one sitting next to
         you saying ...   "That was f@#king awesome!"
                                                 - Anonymous

         Why did the sexual deviate cross the road?

         Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

                                    ... from one of our many Russells ...

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[ End Fri humour ]


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