Friday humour - May 24, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    And this weeks humour (of the ASCII sort) is brought to you with the
    compliments of David Magnay, Cr Mad Mick Rand, Dave McCallum, Rosalie
    Louey, Nicki A-O, Ian Madsen, Dave Allnutt, and of course, Maria Harding
    (what would we do without Maria!)

    What's a topical odd-spot for this week?  Well, most of our insurance
    companies seem to have decided that the business of insurance is a bit
    too risky, and so they're opting out!  This means that our football clubs,
    horse riding establishments, and so on, are suddenly discovering that
    they can no longer get public liability insurance.

    The problem _really_ seems to revolve around the rapidly increasing number
    of multi-million dollar damages awards that the legal profession seem to
    delight in handing out.

    So what's the odd-spot aspect of that?  Well, virtually all the legal
    beagles who've been interviewed over the past 6 months have actually had
    the gall to *deny* that our system has become more litigious in recent
    years!  Errr ...  yeh, guys, really?

    One suspects that some radical new Govt Legislation may be needed quite
    soon, or none of our fun and healthy group activities will realistically
    be able to continue.  Some sane, legislated liability limitations might
    make a good start, perhaps ... ?

    Anyway, enough of that.  Onto some real humour, and first up it's one
    from David Mags (now contracting for ANZ ... who are one of our more
    progressive and predatorial banks in Oz - so it seems of late ...  :-)

                                 ... another one from satirewire ...

San Diego, California ( - Word that genetic researchers have
discovered that a cell of rice contains more genes than a human cell has
caused widespread outrage as people across the globe attempt to prove that
humans are easily as smart as a grain of rice.

In Edmonton, Canada, 34-year-old Alan Snigget was one of many average humans
who devised intelligence tests to discredit the implication that rice is more
evolved.  The postal worker began by taping a grain of rice to a brick wall -
"but lightly, so it could move if it had to" - then hopping behind the wheel of
his 1994 Dodge pickup truck.  After honking several times to give fair warning,
Snigget drove at high speed directly into the rice.  According to eyewitnesses,
however, the rice never moved.  Said one Edmonton police officer who observed
the scene: "Stupid rice."

As in Snigget's case, humans have managed to prevail in almost every test.
In Montgomery, Ala., state employee Rodney Lopat said he took "two out
of three" in a geography quiz against the allegedly brainy grain.  And in
Aberdeen, Scotland, lorry driver Duncan McCann is confident he will win a
chess match that began three days ago.  Asked why the game was taking so long,
McCann explained that the rice is using the white pieces. "I'm still waiting
for it to make the first move," he said.


While most man vs. grain confrontations have been peaceful, a few have devolved
into violence.  Most notably, rice riots erupted yesterday in Germany after an
angry crowd of National Front youths spotted a man who, they decided, looked
like a piece of rice.  After chasing the man for two blocks, the throng grew
bored, but managed to salvage an otherwise disappointing afternoon by ransacking
a Japanese restaurant.  In response, the Rev. Jesse Jackson called for a boycott
of any food product companies that differentiate between white and brown rice.

The press, meanwhile, has generally denounced the findings.  In a front-page
editorial, the Straits Times of Singapore questioned whether researchers had
taken cells from a representative cross-section of humans, or just actor
Robert Blake.  Expressing its anger, USA Today called the report "as useless
as studies insisting there is a widespread dumbing down of America," and
included a series of colourful graphs and charts to illustrate its point.

If any one sentiment prevails, however, it is the belief in human superiority.
To that end, released the results of a poll asking "Are humans dumber
than rice?"  A full 51 percent of respondents voted no, while only 15 percent
clicked yes.  The remaining 34 percent accidentally clicked the wrong button,
panicked, and deleted their browsers.

      Okay, now to a couple from Cr Maddus Mickus - these have actually
      been waiting since July 27, 2001:

                          What NOT to name your dog.

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover ... or Boy.  Well I named mine Sex.
It was a mistake, though, because Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would
like to have a license for Sex.

He said, "I'd like to have one too !"

Then I said, "But this is a dog."

He said he didn't care what she looked like.

Then I said, "But you don't understand.  I've had Sex since I was nine years

He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.  I told
the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room
for Sex.

He told me every room in the place was for sex.

I said, "But you don't understand.  Sex keeps me awake at night."

He replied, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog
ran away.  Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking
around.  I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest.  He told
me I should have sold my own tickets.

"But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV."

He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married."

The judge said, "Me too."

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.

He said, "Me too."

Last night, Sex ran off again.  I spent hours looking around town for him.

A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock
in the morning?"

I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.


  (We had this one back on July 2nd 1999 - but it's worth a repeat)

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling
her hand: "Mummy, quick!  Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mum.

"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her
a glass of cider.  The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

"Ouch!  It still hurts!  This cider doesn't work!" she whined.

"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent,
"_Whatever_ made you think that _cider_ would ease your pain?"

"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in
her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"

     Some more TV double-entendres now, as forwarded on by Dave McCallum:

                           U.K. TV DOUBLE-ENTENDRES

Michael Buerk, watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for
warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage, remarked: "They seem cold out there,
they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."

Here's Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use
Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry
jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard
on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This
Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable
lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil,
tell us about your amazing third leg."

During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud
observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their
balls on the green."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match,
inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed
it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does
it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away. "My
word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race
when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming
from different positions."

Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:
"There's something big growing between my legs."

       To some pictorial stuff now.  This first one was forwarded on by
       Ian Madsen, who writes:
       "My sister sent the following web site - thought it might be good for
       Friday Humour - I have not looked at too much of it, but the
       "Instructions on Marriage" are worth a look ..."

So much Lego, so little time ... Click here

       Next one's from Colin Nexhip ...

Aha!  Click here

       This collection was passed on by Brett V in the store ...

Ooops ... Click here
It's ticking ... Click here
I'll just wait Click here
Novel advert Click here

       And from QCAT we received this:

Aussie men ... Click here

       This next one's a PowerPoint presentation - and fairly big at that.
       Passed on by Aaron Torpy:

Episode 2: Click here

       Next couple were forwarded by Steve Harding - first one's biggish:

Fast driving: Click here
Now, smile ... Click here

       Coincidentally, next lot are from Maria H.  All to do with Fred
       Flintstone technology (we actually ran the 2nd one last week, but
       they should be in a set):

I got an email ...  Click here
Ooops - a virus ... Click here
But I'm safe ... Click here
Okay, print it:  Click here
    - and -
Oi, that's our ... Click here
Not in the dark ... Click here

       And finally, guess the object (but it's slightly lewd and XXXX-rated) -
      passed on by Biggus McCallum and also by Brett Val:

What am I?  Click here

       Actually, there is one more - Warner B (now working in the UK)
       recently had his 40th (I think it was), and went off with the family
       to see the Bard's house.  Judging by the kids, the Bard wasn't home:

Oh, wow Dad!!   Click here

          Okay, back to textual stuff again - and this one from QCAT:

This chain letter was developed by virile men in order to make their sex
life even more fantastic.

As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you can only
win.  Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your best friends who share your
interests in the variety of life.

Then anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't
forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top
of your list.  Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will
receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

   0.5 miss worlds
   2.5 models
   463 wild nymphos
   3,234 good-looking nymphos
   10,982 bi-sexual women
   20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply a better bet, less inhibited,
and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off.  And, best of all, your
original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.


One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends
got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in,
with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her
face.  On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with
since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend
(to whom he had not sent the chain letter.)

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has
already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.


This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.  No
expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities that only
interest women.  No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant
surprises like marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS: Even when you have no wife/girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner

PPS: This letter can also be sent to women you know so that they can prepare
themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

           Next, a contribution from Allnutt of BCE in Highett:

An American tourist goes on a trip to China.  While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions.  A week after arriving
back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green
and purple spots.  Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests
and tells the man to return in a two days for the results.  The man returns
a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you.
You've contracted Mongolian VD.  It's very rare and almost unheard of here.
We know very little about it."

The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something
and fix me up doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure other than to amputate
your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Oh no!  I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies, "Well it's your choice.  Go ahead if you want, but surgery
is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease.  The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
"Ah yes, Mongolian VD.  Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can
you do?  My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctor!
American doctor always want to operate.  Make more money that way."

"Then there's no need to operate?  Oh thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!  Wait two weeks, it fall off
by itself!"

       And not forgetting Rosalie Louey from just up the stairs ...


 ~~~ Every teenager should get a high school education.
     Even if they already know everything.

 ~~~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
     I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

 ~~~ If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't
     tell who the sucker is, it's you.

 ~~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying
     of nothing.

 ~~~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
     about seeing UFOs like they use to.

 ~~~ You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just
     on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the
     last second you catch yourself?
     I feel like that all the time.

 ~~~ According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about
     a women are their eyes.
     And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch
     of liars.

 ~~~ Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

       And this one was just passed on by the master (err ... mistress?) of
       all things XRDish, Nicki A-O.  One for the girls ...


NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each
course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

   TOPIC 1
How to fill up the ice cube trays (Step by step, with slide presentation)

   TOPIC 2
The toilet paper roll: do they grow on the holders? (Round table discussion)

   TOPIC 3
Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and
avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub?  (Group practice)

   TOPIC 4
Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
(Pictures and explanatory graphics)

   TOPIC 5
The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the
kitchen sink? (Examples on video)

   TOPIC 6
Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
(Helpline support and support groups)

   TOPIC 7
Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place
instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
(Open forum)

   TOPIC 8
Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
(Graphics and audio tape)

   TOPIC 9
Real men ask for directions when lost.  (Real life testimonials)

   TOPIC 10
Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?

   TOPIC 11
Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
(Online class and role playing)

   TOPIC 12
How to be the ideal shopping companion.
(Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques)

   TOPIC 13
How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other
important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
(Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered)

    Upon completion of the course diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

         And to end this weeks lot, another one from Maria the Harding:

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her
on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control
top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts
and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up,
we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."
[ End Friday humour ]

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