Friday humour - May 17, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

Greetings, G'day, Yo, and ... Click here

Before we get to the jokes department try one of these Capital Cities Quiz's.
I bet nobody outside the US could get 20/20 using North America as their
selection.  Some in the US mightn't either ... Click here

Warning: Would those of you wearing false implants in the dental area please
keep your mouths shut whilst viewing the last of the graphic contributions
submitted by our great friend in the Kiwi Capital.  We don't want any breakages.
Bluehaze accepts no liability for property damage.

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    First one was passed on by Wellington Ben:

  On the message board ... Click here



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    The Allnutt selection ...


                               Discipline

A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the
upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at
all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found
himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide
as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled
the tie to his chest.

He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.

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                           Whats your excuse?

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married
she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her
honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making
love and she stooped down to pick up her husbands clothing she accidentally
let a big fart rip. She looked up and said "Excuse please, front hole so happy,
back hole laugh out loud."

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    A couple from Minnesota Scott ...

                            Food for thought

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
   that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
    Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
    at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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    Another from Ben ...

                     NO WONDER WE ARE DISTURBED

[ For those of you who don't have kids or are far too young to remember the
splendid children's TV programme "Rainbow", this may be a little lost on
you ... but it must have been a great episode to watch!

Almost too ridiculous to believe ... These are taken from original Rainbow
scripts and there's no way these could have been done by Accident. Innuendo
all the way. ]

The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana.....

Zippy: " One skin, two skin, three skin, four "

George: " Zippy, where is Bungle?"

Zippy: " I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"

We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.

Bungle: " Geoffrey, I can't get it in"

Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"

Bungle: "I know, lets try it round the Otherway. Ooooooh, I've got it in"

Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit.

Bungle: " Would you stick this on the shelf, George"

George: " I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself, Bungle."

Geoffrey (to camera) " Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing"

Bungle: " Playing with each other, Geoffrey?"

Geoffrey:" Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?"

George:" Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going to play
with our friend's balls today?

Bungle: " Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."

Geoffrey (to camera) Have you seen Bungles twanger?

Zippy:" Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."

Bungle: " It's my plucking instrument."

Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle

Zippy:" I can, I'm the best plucker here."

George;" And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?

Zippy:" Well of course it is, Your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."

Geoffrey;" Let's get back to Bungle's twanger."

Bungle (excited) " Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers
couldn't we? Let's play the plucking song. Rod and Roger can get their
instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas."

Singers Rod, Freddy and Jane enter.

Freddy:" We could hear you all banging away"

Rod: " Banging can be fun."

Jane:" Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and
Freddy."

Freddy ( looking sad ) " Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."

Rod ( to Jane ) " Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"

Jane: " Oh no, I was banging away with Freddy last night. But would you like
to play with my maracas?

Zippy; " No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."

George:" Yes, it doesn't matter what size our twanger is."

Zippy;" I've got a big red one."

George: " I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to play
with it."

Geoffrey (to viewers) " Well, have you got your twangers out?

And remember, you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven't got
any, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all play the plucking
song."

Everyone in studio: " Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck all day."

                     { If only we could see more of Kiwi Television- Ed }

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This weeks graphics come from QCAT, Brett, Highett Dave, Snowfields Beryl,
Lucas Heights Sarah, Wellington Ben, and Steve Kerosene.  Keep them coming ...


Prehistoric virus Click here

In good hands Click here

Old Click here

Old ads-2 Click here

Just good friends Click here

Dropshot Click here

"Her Indoors" Click here

Flash play Click here

A prayer for the stressed Click here

The horse and the chicken Click here

Gone forever Click here

Words of Wisdom Click here

Ben's Windy Wellington song: RealAudio version -> Click here  or MP3 version -> Click here

Animals Click here

Here doggie Click here

Al Qaeda promotional video Click here

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    A pretty blue joke [BE WARNED] that arrived from "someone" in Brisbane:

It all helps in the end: After her eighth child, Cheryl decided that she
should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her
former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and
looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll
and she reckoned that, with eight children now being the limit, she'd tidy
things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank
slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses
at the end of the bed. "Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're
very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well" said
the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and
you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Cheryl.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a
success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first
time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".

"Brilliant!" said Cheryl. "And the third?".

"That's from Matthew in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to
say thanks for his new ears."

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    This was knocked off the Oz radio google board:

                           'Can we have sex?'

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to
her, and asks her: 'Can we have sex?'

'No,' she replies, 'I'm married to God.' She stands up, and gets off at the
next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: 'I can tell you
how to get to have sex with her!'

'Yeah?', says the hippie.

'Yeah!', say the bus driver. 'She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at
midnight to pray. So all you have to do it dress up in a robe with a hood,
put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the
cemetery claiming to be God.'

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as
suggested on the next Tuesday night. 'I am God,' he declares to the nun,
keeping the hood low about his face. 'Have sex with me.'

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex,
as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly
has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
'Ha-ha,' he cries. 'I am the hippie!'

'Ha-ha,' cries the nun. "I am the bus driver"

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Finally three from Steve Kerosene

The following ad appeared in "The Atlanta Journal":

"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm
a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cosy
winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right
way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from
work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.

Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Local Humane Society about an
eight-week-old black LABRADOR retriever.

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                               The Parrot

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much
trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and
guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion. The woman asked if it
would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it
shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he
would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time
getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved,
she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.

Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked
around, squawked and said,"It's goddamned cold in here!" Everyone turned to
look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next
week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet
during church.

The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the
following Sunday. Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon
began, the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's
goddamned cold in here!!" And again the woman ran from the church.

The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing
situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the
owner offered the following solution: "If the parrot does that again, grab
him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your
shoulder."

"That'll work?" asked the woman.

"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as
the sermon started the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"
Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6
times and placed him back on her shoulder. The parrot shook his head,
ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty *&^%$#' windy, too!"

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                            Wooooo! Wooooo!

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one
of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he
heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and
ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about, was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our
custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo
Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means
there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the
cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was
an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore
off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he
came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It
is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine
women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all
his might"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in
anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into
the cave tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of Newspaper read.....

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN."

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Quote of the Week:

   "In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but
    the silence of our friends."

                              - Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)


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[ End Fri humour ]


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