Friday humour - May 10, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

       Yo,
   And lotsa good stuff this week, so thanks to everyone who passed
   material on.  And don't forget, just because something isn't re-posted
   straight away, that doesn't mean Davo or I didn't like it or we've lost
   it.  A lot of material can take up to 2 years to surface if we've just
   had a high volume of material in a particular week.  It just gets pushed
   down the pile.

   Anyway, this week there are contributions from Martha Ruth Hills (once
   our most prolific contributor but now living the quiet life :-), John K at
   CUB, Maria Harding, David McCallum, Brett Valentine, QCAT, James Powell,
   Michael Lim, and Digitronics Steve.

   First up, from Martha Ruth in the hills:
                          -------------------------


   The following is a direct quote from the Centre for Strategic and
   International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who
   introduces the story swears it's true.  FBI agents conducted a raid of a
   psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical
   insurance fraud.  After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records,
   the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.  The agent in charge
   of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlour with delivery service
   to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

   The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the
   FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital:
                               -------------

Agent: Hello.  I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

PM: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right.  I'm an FBI agent.

PM: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct.  Just about everybody here is.

PM: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct.  And make sure you don't go through the front doors.
We have them locked.  You will have to go around to the back to the service
entrance to deliver the pizzas.

PM: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right.  How soon can you have them here?

PM: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right.  We've been here all day and we're starving.

PM: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

PM: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right.  Everyone here is an FBI agent.  Can you remember to bring
the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear?  We have the front
doors locked.

PM: I don't think so, mac (Click).
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Over to the malt factory now and this collection from John:
                          -------------------------

CALLER QUESTION

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller
asked, "Doctor, I want to know - why do men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.  He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!"  The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've
cut your arms off".

A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar.
"Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks.  "No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've
got one 'ere."

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises."  replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned into a field.

A brain and a jumper lead go into a pub and order some drinks.  The barman
says "I'm not serving you two!"
"Why?" asked the brain.
The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to
start something."

Answering machine: "... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key ..."

What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?  He choked on his own vimto.

A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and
asks to see the manager.  The cashier steps through to the managers office:
"There's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears."

Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of Viagra was
stolen.  Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Where does Saddam Hussain keep his CD's?
In Iraq.
                            ---==#==#||#==#==---

                  Quote of the day from "USA Today"

"The long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered.
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants
and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.  It is believed that
by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with
huge breasts and erections who can't remember what for ..."
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Brett forwarded this on (slightly X-rated, but nothing compared
     to some of his great pics :-)
                          -------------------------

                   Voted dirtiest joke of 2000

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day
and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mummy what are they doing?"  The mother hesitates
then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys
having sex.  Again she asks her mother "What are they are doing?"  And her
mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were
making cakes in the living room last night, eh?"

Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa.
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


              Okay, Lee - now for something from Biggus McCallum:
                          -------------------------

                              WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.  She asked him if it
was dead or alive.

"Dead", she was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't
move."
                            ---==#==#||#==#==---


   A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

   Five minutes later:
   "Da-ad...."
   "What?
   "I'm thirsty.  Can you bring drink of water?"
   "No.  You had your chance.  Lights out."

   Another five minutes later:
   "Da-aaaad....."
   "WHAT?"
   "I'm THIRSTY.  Can I have a drink of water??"
   "I told you NO!"  If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

   And yet another five minutes later:
   "Daaaa-aaaad....."
   "WHAT!"
   "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

                            ---==#==#||#==#==---


An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!'"

                            ---==#==#||#==#==---

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son into bed.  She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

                            ---==#==#||#==#==---

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon.  All the children were invited to come forward.  One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.  Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."

                            ---==#==#||#==#==---

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower, and said
"Mummy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy"

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bottom?"

                            ---==#==#||#==#==---

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class.  She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer.  She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer
and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit!  A
talking chicken!'"
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

     To the pics now, and first up, a few from Brett over in our store
     here at ... well, maybe I'd better not say where considering the
     first one.  Definitely X-rated (cover the screen before clicking):

 Ahhh, nice ... (But WARNING, Danger Will Robinson: X-RATED): Click here
 Spooky: Click here
 Anti-carjacking: Click here
 Not before lunch ... Click here
 Heather, come on ... Click here
 Just step across ... Click here

     And then there was this cute lot from Maria the Harding:

 Now, breath deeply ... Click here
 Come on, Walter ... Click here
 'Ere, say again, love?  Click here
 Can't fool me ...  Click here
 Gee, you have a cute ... Click here

     This one's from an occasional contributor, James (windoze->unix:-) Powell:

 The world according to ... Click here

     And some more great stuff from that centre of humour research, QCAT:

 Err, ooops ...  Click here
 Jurassic Park 4: Click here

     We had a piece on Feb 22 this year (passed on Mark O'Grady, UK) on the
     dirty state of the London Underground.  Michael Lim just returned from
     a working break over there and passed on these pics for your interest:

 #1:  Click here
 #2:  Click here
 #3:  Click here
 #4:  Click here
     (More at Click here

     Some more great stuff from Maria Softing:

 What about me?  Click here
 What goes first?  Click here
 When you visit Sydney:  Click here

     And finally, a couple from Digitronics Steve (now over at Siemens):

 Sperm Bank:  Click here
 Can't you read?  Click here
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           Forget who forwarded this quickie, but not bad ...
                          -------------------------

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks:
"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe
one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet
voice: "I don't fink my pyfon weally givth a shit!"
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Over to Maria the Harding again now for this corporate update:
                          -------------------------

                         THE NEW CORPORATE WORK ETHIC

1.  If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company
    someday.

2.  The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

3.  Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4.  Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by
    killing all those who opposed them.

5.  A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6.  If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7.  Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8.  Never quit... until you have another job.

9.  Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping any more.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and
    people who don't work here any more.
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


              And okay, Lee - it's another one from Biggus:
                          -------------------------

  In 1923, do you know who was:
 * president of the largest steel company?
 * president of the largest gas company?
 * president of the New York Stock Exchange?
 * greatest wheat speculator?
 * president of the Bank International Settlement?
 * the Great Bear of Wall Street?

Now these men should have been considered some of the world's most successful
men.  At least, they found the secret to making bundles of money.  Almost 80
years later, the history book asks us, do we know what actually became of
these men?

ANSWERS:

1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to
   die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad - penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, committed suicide.

However, in that same year-1923--the winner of the most important golf
championship, Gene Sarazan, won both the US Open and PGA Championship.
What became of him, you ask?

Well, he played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95, and was
extremely financially secure at the time of his death.

CONCLUSION: Stop worrying about business and other nonsense - start playing golf.
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Last major contribution for the week is from QCAT in our sunny
       north.  Not a joke, but rather some food for thought ...
                          -------------------------


In light of the many jokes we send along to one another for a laugh, I thought
I would send something with a little substance.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson
asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" (re the attacks on
Sept. 11).

Anne Graham gave a profound and insightful response.  She said, "I believe God
is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling
God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out
of our lives.  And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed
out.  In the light of recent events ..... terrorist attacks, school shootings,
etc., how can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we
demand He leave us alone?"

I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body
found recently) when she complained she didn't want prayer in our schools,
and we said okay.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school.  The Bible says thou
shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbour as yourself.  And
we said okay.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave
because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their
self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide).  We said an expert should
know what he's talking about.

And we said okay.

Then someone said teachers and principals better not discipline our children
when they misbehave.  The school administrators said no faculty member in this
school better touch a student when they misbehave because we don't want any
bad publicity, and we surely don't want to be sued (there's a big difference
between disciplining, touching, beating, smacking, humiliating, kicking,
etc.).  And we said okay.

Then someone said, let's allow our daughters to have abortions if they want,
and they won't even have to tell their parents.  And we said okay.

Then some wise school board member said, since boys will be boys and they're
going to do it anyway, let's give our sons all the condoms they want so they
can have all the fun they desire, and we won't have to tell their parents
they got them at school.  And we said okay.

Then some of our top elected officials said it doesn't matter what we do in
private as long as we do our jobs.  Agreeing with them, we said it doesn't
matter to me what anyone, including the President, does in private as long
as I have a job and the economy is good.

Then someone said let's print magazines with pictures of nude women and
call it wholesome, down-to-earth appreciation for the beauty of the female
body.  And we said okay.

And then someone else took that appreciation a step further and published
pictures of nude children and further again by making them available on the
Internet.  And we said okay; they're entitled to free speech.

Then the entertainment industry said; let's make TV shows and movies
that promote profanity, violence, and illicit sex.  Let's record music that
encourages rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes.  And we said it's
just entertainment, it has no adverse effect, nobody takes it seriously anyway,
so go right ahead.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't
know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill their classmates,
and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.

I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."  Funny how
simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going
to hell!  Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the
Bible says.

Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire,
but when you start sending messages regarding God people think twice about
sharing.  Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely
through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school
and workplace.

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your
address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they WILL
think of you for sending it.  Funny how we can be more worried about what
other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit.  If not, then just discard it - no one
will know you did.  But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back
and complain about what bad shape the world is in!

Are you thinking?
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

     And the final word for the week comes from our Unix DNS (BIND) server,
     who just quoted this at me:

I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual becoming, with a
goal in front and not behind.
                -- George Bernard Shaw
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[ End Friday humour ]



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