Friday humour - May 03, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

      G'day and Yo

   Before this weeks contributions (keep those graphics coming) here's a little
   test to stir your imagination from Ty.

   Click here

   And the "Odd Spot" of the week from The Age

   Saturday April 27, 2002
   A German man has been awarded $500 after not being allowed to spend a penny.
   The man was on the Frankfurt-Dresden train for two hours, during which he
   searched desperately, and in vain, for a working toilet. A Frankfurt court
   called the man's ordeal "torture".

       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=

   First one's from husband of Olivine - this door:

                            Men's Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. OK - we now hear the guys' side.

These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
   find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to
   discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
   Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.  Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
   work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.
   Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be
   any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
   do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your own oil! . Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
   all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
   act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
   makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done -
   not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
   were going out. Get over it.

1. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
   example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
   what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
   ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
   wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I'm in shape.  ROUND is a shape.
       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=

   From Lee at Melbourne Uni:

[Ed:  Hey Lee - please explain - The Uni of Melb used to be one of the
best in the world - now it doesn't make the top 100 - why have the wheels
dropped off?]

                        One kid's view on childbirth

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home
alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into
labor, she called "911." Due to a power outage at the time, only one
paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a
flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the
baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and
after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little
feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place. Smack him again!"
       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=

A quickie from Wellington Ben

                              The bus

Two Italians are sitting together on a bus and the conversation is as follows:

"Emma com'a first, then I'a come, then two asses they come together, then
I'a come again, then pee twice, then I'a come once'a more."

A lady across the isle says "Oh, you disgusting Man! Talking about your sex
life like that in public!"

The Italian says "What'a you talkin' about? I just'a tellin' my friend how'a
to spella 'Missippi'!"
       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=


   An oldie from Highett Dave

                      Table of Erratic Equations

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $32 for a $31 item he needs.
A woman will pay $31 for a $32 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries
about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=

   From Digital Steve

                    Nursery Rhymes - The Sequel

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two hunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman,
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you d**khead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*ck him, He's only an egg."

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill
to have little fun.
Jill, that dill Forgot her pill
and now they have a son.

Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
He needed the Money.

          [Ed: This could have been done by The Two Ronnies]

       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=


    From Sarah (Thingo of the Month)

                               CAR MAINTENANCE

                    Oil Changing Instructions for Women

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil
change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:

$20 for oil change

+ $1 for coffee

= $21

                     Oil Changing instructions for Men

1. Go to Canadian Tire and spend $50 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand
   cleaner and a scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it to
   recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16" box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up mess.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to the store; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
    surface.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
    with drain plug.

27. Drink beer.

28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.

29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.

30. Drink beer.

31. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33. Begin cussing fit.

34. Throw wrench.

35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
    (1992) in the left boob.

36. Beer.

37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required too stop blood flow.

38. Beer.

39. Beer.

40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41. Beer.

42. Lower car from jack stands.

43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

45. Beer.

46. Test drive car.

47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48. Car gets impounded.

49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

$50 parts

+ $25 beer

+ $75 replacement set of jack stands

+ $1,000 bail

+ $200 impound and towing fee

= $1,350 Total

       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=

   A couple from Counsellor Mad Mick of Marwick

                           HEAVEN CAN WAIT

A coachload of Scousers arrive at the pearly gates of Heaven. St Peter is
there and he see the coach arrive, and watches in horror as 40 Scousers get
off, all permed-up, wearing Liverpool shirts and shell-suits. Just as they
try to stride through the gates into heaven, St Pete stops them.

"I'm sorry lads" says Pete "I can't let you lot in, it's more than me jobs
worth. I'll have to have a word with God. Wait here, I'll be back in 5 minutes".

So, St Pete goes into God's office.."What is it my Son?" he asks.

"Well God, this coach-load of Scousers has just arrived and they want to be
let in.  There must be 40 of them"

"No chance" says God almighty. "Find the 10 most righteous Scousers, let
them in and tell the other 30 to get lost"

"Will do" says St Pete and leaves the office and returns to the gates.

1 minute later, St Pete bursts into Gods office, very much out of breath.
"God, God" he pauses for breath.

"What on earth is it now, my son?" says God.

Pete says "They've g-g-g-gone, master"

"What ... all 40 of them?" asks God

"No", says Pete "the f#ckin Pearly Gates"

       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=


                               The mirror

A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age"
holistic doctor, as a last resort. "Doctor, I have tried everything, but my
headache just won't go away."

The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want
you to do - go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index
fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a
headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the
headache is just going to vanish."

As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time,
she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers
pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a
headache, I really don't have a headache...".

She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is
gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor and says, "Doctor,
you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems
in a certain department ... how can I put it ... "

"When was the last time you two had sex?" asks the doctor.

"About eight years ago." she replied.

The doctor says, "Yes, send him over."

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come
home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the
bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making
wild passionate love to her.  When he's finished, he goes right back to the
bathroom.

A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at
it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he
goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.

At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the
bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at
himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:

"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife ..."

       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=


   This weeks non-ascii stuff has come from all over. Thanks to Wellington Ben,
   DavidA, Minessota Scott, Mad Mick from Marwick, Ty, Biggus, Deanna, British
   Knickers, Qcat, Snowfields Beryl, Kerosene Steve.  Some had to be held over ...


Ebonics lesson Click here

Bird bath Click here

T-shirt1 Click here

T-shirt2 Click here

T-shirt3 Click here

T-shirt4 Click here

T-shirt5 Click here

Cute pic Click here

No more chad problems Click here

Phone message Click here

Advertising1 Click here

Advertising2 Click here

Fat fun Click here

Come home soon Click here

Good friends Click here

Miss World Click here

That's all folks Click here

       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=


    Now for a couple from Bryan McKnickers:

                           Mary Poppins?

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him... what? (Oh, man, this is so bad
it's good)

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=

    From Minnesota Scott:

                         The Happy Taxpayer

ATTENTION: IRS

Enclosed is my 2002 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached
article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the
Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a
toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value
$1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00.

Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential
Election Fund," as noted on my return.

Might I suggest you then send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw.
(See attached article... HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips head
screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to
paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer

       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=


   Some more quick classy stuff from Counsellor Mickus:

Q:  How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

A:  From a catalogue.
                               ---====---

Celine Dion walked into a pub and the barman asked "Why the long face?"
                               ---====---

"Tell me darling, how old do you think I look?", a wife asked her husband.

"Well", said the husband "from the hair, I'd say 21.  From the skin I'd say
20, and from the figure I'd say 23".

"Oh you flatterer" she gushed.

"Hold on a minute", he replied, "I haven't added 'em up yet".
                               ---====---

       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=


   Finally, a couple from Colin of Nexhip

                       Survivor Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its
own, entitled Survivor, Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas,
travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to
Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to
Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to
Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm
gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your
guns!"

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=


                Why did the chicken cross the road?

PHILLIP RUDDOCK: I don't care why the chicken crossed the road it should be
sent back to where it came from. Who knows what might happen if we keep
letting any old chicken cross the road. We could be inundated with them.
Send them to the farmer up the road a bit and we can pay him to deal with
the problem.

JEFF KENNETT: If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted
with an etag and should pay the same toll as all other road users.

STEVE BRACKS: Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross
roads as chickens living in Melbourne.

JOHN HOWARD (Australian PM): The chick never crossed the road. And it was
not forcibly removed from its mother! Anyway, that's a matter for the states
and is of no interest to us. The United Nations should butt out.

KIM BEASLEY: There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a
deliberate act by the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to
cross Australian roads.

NATASHA STOTT-DESPOJA: What if it was not a chicken but a bantam? Minority
sectors of our community shouldn't be discriminated against based purely on
the size of their legs.

EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with Indigenous
chickens.

PETER COSTELLO: Accordingly to documentation submitted to the Live Foods
Processing Authority, the chicken in question was uncooked at the time of
its journey and therefore will not incur a GST charge. However, if that
chicken actually crossed the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked
status, the road crossing would be considered by the ATO to be a service for
which GST will be imposed.

PAULINE HANSON: Please explain.

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that
what you're telling me?

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black
or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed and that was good enough for us.

REV FRED NILE: Because the chicken is gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the 'other side'. That's what they call it: the 'other side' Yes, my friends
...

CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: to boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?

HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee that it won't get to the otherside?


FREUD: the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your
mother?

THE CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was
no chicken. Please step into the car.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean
by chicken? Could you define the word 'chicken'.

HOMER SIMPSON: mmmm Chicken.

       =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=  =0=   =o=o= =o= =0= =o= =o=o=


Quote of the Week

     "When it comes to some umpires being more suspect than others,
      for example, umpire number nine, well, we are reminded of the
      denunciation by Henry II of His Archbishop Cromwell, when he
      shouted: "who will rid me of this troublesome priest!?"

                                           - Guru Bob
                                             The Coodabeen Champions
                                             10:00 - Noon, Saturdays
                                             NewsTalk 1278 - 3AW
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



 Previous (April 26, 2002)  Index Next (May 10, 2002)