Friday humour - April 26, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        And gidday,
    In Oz, we've just celebrated ANZAC day (ANZAC being an acronym for the
    Australian and New Zealand Army Corps).  It's mainly synonymous with
    the WW I activity of the Corps and their ill-fated landing on the Gallipoli
    Peninsula at the Dardanelles on 25 April 1915.

    Anyway, our old war veterans conducted their traditional marches through
    the various capital cities and regional towns as they have done for
    many years now.  But having it on a Thursday this year has thrown me
    right out - especially with the special ANZAC day football.  I keep
    feeling as though we just had a Saturday.

    Anyway, Davo's footy team (the 'pies) actually won a game after all these
    years.  Really amazing!

    Okay - first up this week, it's a short one from up north (QCAT):

Two couples who were long time friends were sitting around one evening, kind
of bored and thinking of what to do, when one of the wives suggested that they
switch partners for the night!

Everyone agreed.  They split up, and off they went with their new partner for
the night.

Later that night, the wife who made the suggestion sat up in bed and turned
to her new partner and said, "My God!  That was just wonderful - I had no idea!
We should have done this long ago.  I wonder how the boys are doing?"

        This (even shorter) one was passed on by Maria the Harding:

                          NEW RESEARCH ON CHOICE OF MAN

Medical research in London has now proven that the kind of "male face"
a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where the woman is in her
menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged,
masculine features.

If she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a
heavy pair of scissors shoved in his forehead.

          Now to a longer piece - this was passed on by Deanna:

The Pope was having a shower.  Although he is very strict about the celibacy
rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this
was one of these occasions.  Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a
photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that.  You'll destroy the
reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially
secure for life."

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots
of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.

The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.  He met
his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera,"
she said, "how much did it cost you?"

"Two million quid" replied the Pope.

"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming."

         Over to Steve Kero tin now and another shortish one ...

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

And the guy says, "Really?  What's going to happen?"

And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Afghans this time and
one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"

So Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about
the 40 million Afghans!"

          Here's a couple from one David (McBiggus) McCallum, Esq:

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's
house.  One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling
water on it.

The Rabbi asked, 'What are you doing?'

The Priest responded, 'I'm blessing the car.'

So the Rabbi said 'Okay, since we're doing that ...' and he takes out a
hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.


    ... and ...

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of the Irish countryside.  The attendant at the pump greets
him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.  As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?"  asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"

        To the UK now - and this one from Brian D. McNicol ...

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.  He decides
to give them a test.  He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to
see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over.  She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her
hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely
for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive
because she loves him so much.  The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf
clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.  As she
presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him
because she loves him so much.  Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.  She earns several times the
$5000.  She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint
account.  She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she
loves him so much.  Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money,
and then he ... very logically ... married the one with the biggest tits.

                      Another short one from Maria H ...

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour, crawled painfully
onto a stool, and ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"

"No, no" he replied, "it's just arthritis."

        And just before we get to the pics for this week, one from John K
        over at the Fosters factory:

     These are supposed to be actual excerpts from The Book of Remembrance
     for The Queen Mother.  If it's true, it says a lot about the poms:

"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade
Towers.  At last we can look the people of New York in the face".
  L. Ward, Mansfield.

"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit"
  J. Clement. Grantham.

"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
  D. Holmes, Somerset.

"She was a marvellous woman and a wonderful lover".
  L. J. Worthington, Penrith.

"I am absolutely devastated - at least we could have got the day off".
  S. Wilson, Bristol.

"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to
 experiment with drugs".
  E. Franks, Cheshire.

"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have
 a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"
  W. Waugh, Richmond.

"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".
  K. O'Neil, Inverness.

"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public
  N. Wallace, Swansea.

"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event"
  E. Thompson, West Lothian.

"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
  P. McGregor, Southampton.

"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help
 these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
  R. Thompson, Bath.

"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until
 her majesty is buried"
  E. Gorman, Derbyshire.

"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?".
  R. Combes, Romford.

"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile.
 Just like a retard."
  G. Hollins, East Sussex.

"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
  G. Williams, West Midlands.

"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud
 or lied about expense claims.  She was like us in a good way.  God bless you,
  L. Weller, Harlow.

"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and
 misfortune.  Let us hope that if there is a next time round, she is given
 a life of privilege and comfort."
  T. D. Wainwright, Hastings.

        Okay - to some pics.  First group arrived from our northerly list:

    Like my jeans?   Click here
    Shhhh ...  Click here
    If you think you're having a bad day ... (slightly rude): Click here
    Dog porn (XXXX): Click here

        And these cute baby ones were sent by Maria the Harding:

    Baby book: Click here
    Baby chair: Click here
    Baby hammer: Click here
    Baby cactus: Click here
    Baby toilet: Click here
    Well, men do start life by ...  Click here

        These ones came from Christopher J (an acquaintance of Long standing):

    Read your email ... Click here
    Island: Click here
    Airbag: Click here

        And I quite forget who passed this last one on:

    Oooh, I am not ... Click here

          Back to some worded stuff to finish off.  First, it's another
          couple from David McCallum:

                               MATHS CAN BE SEXY

Q: What's the square root of 69
A: 8 something

(you gotta say it out loud)


                      TEN WAYS TO NEVER SAY "I LOVE YOU"

1.  "The empty sex we've had thus far has been good enough to justify
     attempting to forge an emotional bond."

2.  "I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didn't run screaming.  So

3.  "You're all that stands between me and a long, lonely life of

4.  "You make me want to poo little chocolate hearts."

5.  "If you were a Margarita, I'd drink you till I puked."

6.  "If you were scabies, I'd never change my underwear."

7.  "If you needed a kidney transplant, I'd donate - and I'd throw in a
     bonus lung."

8.  "Life without fellatio from you would be a life not worth living."

9.  "I wrote you a poem: You walk in beauty like the night/ which means
     you're the hottest babe in sight/ Come home with me so I don't get in a
     fight/ I agree with what you said/ You are always right."

10. "You're my best and only naked friend."

       And finally, something much longer - passed on by Garry Jensen:

                              A WOMAN'S GYM DIARY

    This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular
    work-out routine:


For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer I'll call
Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swimwear.  My husband seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


Started my day at 6.00pm.  Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.

He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile.  Woo Hoo!!  Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines.

He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.  He was alarmed that my
pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra
aerobic outfit.  I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his
aerobics class after my work-out today.  Very inspiring.

Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.  This is going to be
a FANTASTIC week!!


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile.  Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel
GREAT!  It's a whole new life for me.


The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals.  Driving is ok as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.  I
parked on top of a CEO in the club parking lot.  Bruce was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  His voice is a little
too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying.  My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
so Bruce put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Bruce told
me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other shit too.


Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pilled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help being a half
hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.  Bruce took me to work out
with dumbbells.  When he wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
He sent Lars to find me, then as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -
which I sank.


I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anaemic little
cheerleader wanna-be BASTARD.  If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.  Bruce wanted me to work my
triceps.  I don't have any triceps!  And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the @&#*-barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
(Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated
magna cum laude from, you bastard).  The treadmill flung me off and I landed
on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer
like the drama coach or the choir director?


Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing him made me want to smash
the machine with my planner.  However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV
remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#& Weather Channel.


I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can thank God that
this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD)
will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal, a mammogram, a
pelvic exam or even a hysterectomy.
[ End Friday humour ]

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