Friday humour - April 19, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

   G'day and Yo!

   We're a bit light on at the mo for non ascii stuff - some .mpeg .avi and
   .wav files would be "nice".

   For those funky Melbourne radio listeners check out the test broadcasts
   being carried out by 3XX on 1611 (if your AM dial goes up that far!).  They
   are due to commence live full-time narrowcasting soon and their blurb says ...

       3 Double XX presents the best new music, chart
       hits, dance, and retro dance and chart classics
       from the 80's and 90's - 24 hours every day 365
       days per year. Simply, you wanted a full time
       station - here it is ! - Simply switch to 1611 AM
       and STAY WITH US !.

   At the moment it's all music (and pretty noisey stuff at that).  Not
   exactly Magic.

   BTW - those who send stuff to me for Friday Humour please send it to
   dav259@csiro.au (I read it daily) - I only really get into the Bluehaze
   site to post FH - and rarely ever look in my inbox.  Today I did have a
   look at it - and I must say I wish you a Happy Christmas too!  Of course
   it's fine to send Tony messages to him at Bluehaze as it's his wonderful
   site.  Why not have a good explore of it instead of a teabreak one day?
   There's heaps of good stuff there.


   Before we start for those with absolutely nothing better to do try this
   little test sent in by Wellington Ben, Aaron, and our friends at QCAT:

    Boy or girl? Click here

   There - I'm sure that's made your day!  Hmmm????

   [ The above quiz disappeared on the day we posted this, and everyone got the
     "btinternet" front page instead (via a redirect?).  I've just found it
     online again, so I've copied it over onto bluehaze and re-pointed the
     above link just in case.                   Tony, bluehaze webmaster ]
              o----------------------oo0oo----------------------o


   First this week from Dave Allnutt at Highett

                          Aussie jokes ...

A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's
OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is wriggling
and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says "Ok, there's a 303 behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in
the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later, the farm hand calls back.

"I did what you said boss.  Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed
him from the bull-bars.  No problem there, but I still can't go on".

"Now what's the f*****g problem?" raged the manager.

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the
right-front wheel arch".

                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house burgled and
ransacked. She telephoned the police at one and reported the crime. The
police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K9 unit
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran
out on the verandah, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat
down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman"

              o----------------------oo0oo----------------------o

       From Ty Tran

                    Another Wankery story ...

When Wayne and Sally first got married, Wayne said, "I am putting a box
under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all the first year of marriage, Sally never looked. However, on the
afternoon of their 1st anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she
lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans
and $1,974.25 in cash.

After dinner, Sally could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed saying,
"I am so sorry. For all this time, I kept my promise and never looked in
the box under the bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave
in. But now I need to know, Why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Wayne thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all this time you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty
beer can in the box to remind myself not to do it again."

Sally was shocked, but thought to herself, "I am very disappointed and saddened,
but I guess he does spend a lot of time away from home on the road, temptation
does happen and I guess three times is not all that bad." They hugged and
made their peace.

A little while later, Sally asked Wayne, "So why do you have all that money
in the box?"

Wayne answered.  "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took
them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

              o----------------------oo0oo----------------------o


    This was sent in by Little Di:

                             PMS

This was sent to me by dear cous Jezz who appreciates (and I mean that
sincerely !!) how PMS effects some women !!

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a
man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the
wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR
Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid section
People Make me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house
knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is
BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it
out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light
bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past
17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them
2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light
bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE
WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVERCARRIES OUT
THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF
GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!!
- IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

              o----------------------oo0oo----------------------o

    More from Allnutts

                                 BACKYARD CRICKET
                                - STANDARD RULES -

Can't Get Out First Ball : Curious rule introduced to give the token unco
bastard a reprieve. Smart-arse batsmen use it to hone their reverse sweep -
which becomes interesting when smart-arse bowlers use it to hone their
beamer.

Caught Behind : Since no-one has the desire or the reflexes to stand in the
slips cordon, an edge onto the back fence constitutes instant dismissal. Has
signalled the death of the late cut.

One Hand, One Bounce : This popular innovation (When a fielder can dismiss a
batsman by catching the ball in one hand on the first bounce) is essential
to the very fabric of the sport. Importantly, it means a game can be
organised with a minimum of players. More importantly, it means you don't
have to put your beer down.

No LBW : When no umpires are available (or trustworthy), the only option is
to can the LBW rule altogether, ensuring cagey batsmen shuffle across the
crease as is test driving a Zimmer frame.

Six And Out (Then Fetch It) : Introduced to combat space and energy
restrictions. It's rumoured to have been initiated by a hapless bowler
living alongside a pack of Rottweilers.

- ESSENTIAL ITEMS -

Esky : Strategically placed at the bowler's end, the esky is the shrine, the
fuel, the Richie Benaud of backyard cricket - because it holds the beer.

Balls : A minimum of 3 tennis balls is advised, as there's always some
pissed smart-arse who delights in tonking them over the fence. Advanced
exponents use electrical tape around half the ball to give it more swing
than Austin Powers.

Dog : Preferable of Kelpie or Heeler extraction, so it can field every ball,
including those that dissapear under the house or thorny bushes. The
downside is that they produce more slobber than a 14 year old male Penthouse
reader. The upside is the dog will sleep for 3 days straight afterwards.

Rubbish Bin : It would be nice to think you can clean up your own mess, but
in reality the bin makes a perfect set of stumps.

Bat : Boasting multiple scratches and dents, and no grip left on the handle,
it's usually of 1980's vintage, with a fake signature of Allan Border or
Merv Hughes providing added backyard cult status.

- CODE OF ETHICS -

Stumps : The game draws to a close when, a) your pissed host finally cooks
the snags after the barbie has run out of gas, b) Macca hits the last ball
onto the road and it dissapears down the drain, or c) your girlfriend cracks
the shits and wants to go home because you "become a bastard" when you hang
around with your mates.

Flower Damage : Any respectful male will cringe and help hide the fact that
you have just topped your girlfriend's petunias. Somehow, the universal
threat of a week-long drought bonds the male species.

Spilt Beer : Ideally, the offending batsman should apologise profusely and
offer to replace the vanquished stubbie. Fat Chance. The feat prompts
shitloads of laughter, and the usually triumphant "Get me one while you're
at it!"

No Running Bewteen Wickets : Every backyard cricket specialist should know
this phrase, "The words fun and run don't go together." Just ask Arjuna
Ranatunga. Besides, how the fuck are you supposed to run in thongs?

Courtesy Call : Always invite the chicks to have a bat. They usually say no,
but on the odd occasion, they do take a grip of the willow. You can bowl a
couple of dollies to her so she can hit before ending this freakish sideshow
with a yorker. Most chicks hold a bat as if they're chopping wood. And they
can't handle yorkers.

              o----------------------oo0oo----------------------o


        From Olivine next door ...

                                  Out West ...

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch
on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed
away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him!

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old
legs and said to him......"Take me.... young man... Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!!"... And that's
when I shot the son of a bitch!

          o----------------------oo0oo----------------------o

      More from Brian McKnickers:

                 TOP EIGHT IDIOTS OF 2001

Just when you think the world is getting a little smarter ...

Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency
room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast
Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the
chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the
raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign,
guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Idiot # 3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny
in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't
the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that
he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America.  Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "Okay" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of
America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his
speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a
ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter
from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He
immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy might be onto
something worth thinking about)!

Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber
saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told
the cashier to put it in the bag as ell, but the cashier refused, saying
"I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because
he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license
out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.  The clerk looked it over and
agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and put the Scotch in the bag. The
robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called
the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the
license. They arrested the robber two hours later. Remind me to have more
signs printed up. Give this guy his!

Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first
bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign; he probably figured it out
himself.

Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.  Oh that smarts. Give
him his sign!

Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open
the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away. Get me another sign...

(Please note that these people are allowed to vote!)

(Not only that but they are allowed to reproduce!)

              o----------------------oo0oo----------------------o

    Some non-ascci stuff now from Brett, QCAT, some deviants from the West
    and several others ...


Buddies Click here

Big rock 1 Click here

Big rock 2 Click here

Big rock 3 Click here

How many unusual angles can you spot in here? Click here

Or in here?  Click here

Or here? Click here

Mens PMS Click here

Media Watch - Press Click here

Who's that then? Click here

Hey, lemme out!! Click here

KFC's revenge Click here

Not quite CinemaScope, but ...  :-)   Click here
              o----------------------oo0oo----------------------o


    Finally, an "Odd Spot" from the Melbourne "Age" newspaper ...


Police in San Francisco arrested Roberto Balderama, 45, for robbing a bank
and a shop after he darted into a beauty salon for a shave to change his
appearance. Police recognised his truck outside the salon and arrested him
as he sat with a hot towel on his face.
                                            The Age, 15 April 2002

              o----------------------oo0oo----------------------o


Thought for the Week:


     The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
     attacks than the British or Americans.

     On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also
     suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

     The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
     heart attacks than the British or Americans.

     The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also
     eat a lot of fat, but suffer fewer heart attacks than the
     British or Americans.

     Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English
     that kills you.

                                               - David Allnutt


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[ End Fri humour ]


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