Friday humour - April 12, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Lots of short pieces from all over the place this week - in no particular
    order.  First up, a little scientific treatise as passed on by mineng
    (one the more thoughtful Unix machines I've met recently):


   From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972:

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.  Our authority is
Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the
Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days."
Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun,
and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50
times in all.

The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive
from the Sun, so we can ignore that.  The radiation falling on Heaven will
heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the
heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the
Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4
50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K

The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations
21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the
lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.  We have,
then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.

      The RHF (rec.humor.funny) newsgroup archive was the source for this
      next group of three quickies - from 1987-1989:

Two Irish lovers are sitting on a bench, in a park.  They are holding hands, but
the lady is nervously twisting her hands.

Mary: "Patrick.  I have something to tell you."

Patrick: "Well, what's on your mind?  You know you can tell me everything."

Mary: "It's so terrible."

Patrick: "You know you can trust me.  What is it?"

Mary: "It was a few years ago.  Father lost his job, and no money in sight ..."

Patrick: "So what happened?"

Mary: "Oh Pat, we were so desperate ... for some time I had to turn ...  prostitute!"

Patrick: "WHAT!"

Mary: "We needed the money so bad!"

Patrick: "There is no good reason for this!  Endangering your very soul!  How
   could you?  YOU!  Mary, this is more than I can stand!"

Mary: "Not you, Pat!  No!  I thought you'd understand.  I thought you could
   still love me, even though I had been a whore."

Patrick: "Oh! well, that's okay then.  For a moment I thought you said 'Protestant'!"

                                       #   #   #

     ... and ...

A man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the
round together.  The friend has a little dog with him and, on the next green
when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping
and stands up on its hind legs.

The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That
dog is really talented!  What does it do if you miss a putt??"


"Somersaults?!  How many of them does it do?"

"Mmmm ... depends on how hard I kick it up the arse!"

                                       #   #   #

  ... and finally ...

  I heard this from my mother - I don't know where she heard it:

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down.  He jumps out
and starts fiddling under the hood.  About five minutes later, he hears some
thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk!

He runs around and yells, "Hey bud, this is my car!"

"Well, okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."

      Okay - enough humour from the 80's.  Here's something more recent -
      a desperate plea for assistance as just passed on by Rob White:

If you are a time traveller or alien disguised as human and or have the
technology to travel physically through time, I need your help!

My life has been severely tampered with and cursed!!  I have suffered
tremendously and am now dying!

I need to be able to:

   Travel back in time.

   Rewind my life including my age back to 4.

I am in very great danger and need this immediately!

I am aware of two types of time travel one in physical form and the other in
energy form where a snapshot of your brain is taken using either the dimensional
warp or the carbon copy replica device and then sends your consciousness back
through time to part with your younger self.  Please explain how safe and what
your method involves.

I have a time machine now, but it has limited power and is useless without
a vortex.

If you can provide information on how to create vortex generator or where I
can get some of the blue glowing moon crystals, this would also be helpful.  I
am however concerned with the high level of radiation these crystals give off,
if you could provide a shielding that would be great.  I believe the vortex
needs to be east-west polarised, North-south polarised vortexes are used
for cross-dimensional time travel only.

Only if you have this technology and can help me exactly as mentioned please
send me a (SEPARATE) email to:

Please do not reply if you're an evil alien!


      Well, I really hope that someone at one of our esteemed scientific
      research organisations can assist  Many
      users of AOL are indeed in need of our help.
      Next up, something from our esteemed list over in the old West
      (an oldie but a goodie) ...

A  guy walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you" replies the ugly bloke. "You know I live by the railway?
Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks,
like in the movies.  I of course went and cut her free and took her back to my
place.  Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time!  We made love all
night.  All over the house.  We did everything, me on top, and sometimes her
on top!"

"Fantastic" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod.  Was she pretty?"

"Dunno - I never found her head."

        Okay, sorry about that!   Now it's over to the brewing house (CUB)
        and a couple of quickies from Jenny A's other half, John K:

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.  He's so proud
of himself that he starts calling his wife "mother of six" (in spite of her

One night, they go to a party.  The man decides that it's time to go home,
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, mother of six?"

His wife, now irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back:
"Any time you're ready, father of four!"


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with
a fly-swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies"  He responded.

"Oh!  Have you killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

"What?  But how can you tell their sex?"

"Simple.  Three were on a beer can, the other two were on the phone."

     To a few more pics and sounds and movies and things now.  Our esteemed
     Brett passed on this first sound bite:

   Defective: Click here

     And Steve H passed on this one:

   SOB - a definition: Click here

     These two from Ron K:

   How to screw in a light-bulb: Click here
   Easter cancelled: Click here

     And a collection from that centre of northernmost research, QCAT:

   Sunday sermon: Click here
   Shit happens: Click here
   Santa's solution: Click here
   Honey, I'm home!: Click here
   Barbie and Ken get to ... Click here
   Sky diving ...  Click here
   Another Bud commercial: Click here

     This one's from Maria the Harding:

   My wish: Click here

     And lastly, this one from Steve Kero-tin:

   April Fool: Click here

        Now to the UK and this one from Brian D. McNicol - one of Dave Rand's
        mad mates from the energy industry (Shell, I think it was ... :)

A young hotshot gets a job as an auditor with Revenue Canada.  His first
assignment is to audit an old rabbi.

He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he asks, "Rabbi, what
do you do with the drippings from the candles?"

The Rabbi answers, "We send them to the candle factory and every once in a while
they send us a free candle."

The young man asks, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"

The Rabbi answers, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once
in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."

Finally, the auditor asks, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your

To which the Rabbi answers, "We send them to Revenue Canada, and every once
in a while they send us a little prick like you."

      Next two were passed on by Maria the Harding:

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.  The Jewish man says, "Last week,
my wife and I had great sex.  I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz,
we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body
all over with butter.  We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15

The old Italian man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too.  I rubbed
her body all over with olive oil, we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Jewish man and Frenchman were stunned.

They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for
6 hours?"

The old Italian replied, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."



Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary
glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow",  Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?"  Martin said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?", Martin said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours", Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown
prior to putting it back in his pants.

"What did you do that for?"  Martin said.

"Shaking off the excess drops", Gary said. "Like normal."

"Fuck it!", Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

                  Back out to the ol' West now for this one ...

  Is CSIRO doing research on this topic?  I'm sure money could be made
  from it...


                 Exclusive from New Scientist Print Edition

Food scientists have found a way to eat bean-filled food like curries and salads
with far fewer episodes of flatulence.  The Indian researchers have discovered
that blasting some beans with gamma rays can help oust most of the chemicals
that make people fart.

Bacteria in the large intestine produce the accumulation of gas that causes
flatulence.  When these bugs consume certain types of carbohydrates, called
oligosaccharides, they produce a mix of gases that includes methane and certain
sulphur-containing gases.  It is the latter that have people pinching their

On average, adults produce four to five litres of gas a day, and beans are
the vegetables most commonly associated with excess wind.  That is because up
to 60 per cent of their carbohydrates are oligosaccharides.

So Jammala Machaiah and Mrinal Pednekar in the food-science lab at the
Bhabha Atomic Research Centre in Trombay, India, decided to see what effect
radiation might have on the levels of these carbohydrates in various pulses
common in the Indian diet, including mung beans, chickpeas, black-eyed beans
and red kidney beans.

    Gone with the wind

Using standard food irradiation technology, they irradiated some samples of
each with a low-intensity gamma-ray beam, and other samples with a beam
three times as strong.  They then gave the beans the typical two-day soaking
in cold water that people use before cooking the beans.

The researchers report in a paper to be published in the journal Food Chemistry
that the initial irradiation slightly reduced levels of oligosaccharides.
But the further reduction that occurs naturally with soaking was dramatically
accelerated in the irradiated beans, especially black-eyed beans.

After two days' soaking, the low dosage of radiation reduced oligosaccharides
in mung beans by 70 per cent, and the high dose by 80 per cent, compared with
a drop of only 35 per cent in soaked beans that had not been irradiated.

Black-eyed beans and chickpeas also showed a marked improvement.  Only kidney
beans remained unaffected by the treatment, but they have only a fraction of
the guilty oligosaccharides anyway.

    National diet

"In India, beans are a very popular and important part of the national diet,
but some people can't eat a lot of beans because of the flatulence problem,"
says Machaiah. "This is unfortunate, as it is a very good source of essential
nutrients.  Irradiation would make beans less of a problem."

In Europe, food can only be irradiated under licence, and the treated food has
to be marked.  Irradiation extends the shelf life of herbs and spices by killing
the bacteria that make them rot.

Oligosaccharides are "anti-nutritional factors", says Stephen Cole, technical
director of Enzyme Services and Consultancy in Blackwood, Wales.  "If
irradiation helps reduce them that's good."  Cole's company is currently
analysing enzymes that break down oligosaccharides in animal feed to prevent
pigs or chickens becoming bloated.

But Glenn Gibson, a food microbiologist at Reading University, is concerned that
reducing the level of oligosaccharides in the food may have undesirable effects.

"Flatulence is an important indicator of a healthy gut system," he says.
"It's only a social problem.  You need to expel gas to ensure your gut is
functioning properly."  The gases that cause it could be of benefit, and we
should all just learn to live with it, he says.

      And finally, for those of you determined enough to still be with us,
      one more from that place of fizzy malt brews, CUB, and John K:

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc.  Finally, she said,
"Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and
crew take you safely to your destination,"

Joe, sitting in the 8th row, thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right?  Is the
Captain a woman?  I think I'd better have a scotch and soda.'

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand
you correctly?  Is the captain a woman?

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas.  I don't know what
to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit.
Now it's the box office."
[ End Friday humour ]

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