Friday humour - April 05, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

Yo and G'day

We trust you all had a pleasant Easter break and didn't OD on too much
chocolate.  You begin to realise Autumn has arrived when the real footy
season starts.

Firstly as The Age frequently prints:  "We Were Wrong"

Tony reports ...

     "Oh dear, we've cast a slur on CSIRO's finance guru's ... :-)

      From last week's FH:

      Just to give you some brief background - CSIRO has been forced to
      start selling off many of its properties over the last couple of
      years.  This particular senate committee was quizzing Dr Garrett
      (the new-ish CSIRO CEO) and their finance wiz, Mr Harley, on Feb
      21, 2002.  Here's an extract:    <snip>     "

      One of our Finance Gurus has indeed responded ...

     "Sorry for the direct e-mail, but George Harley is not finance.  Mr
      Harley is GM Corporate Property."

(This actually puts the whole thing into an even funnier light.  It's the
Corporate Property lot who never seem to find a long term home ...  -  Davo)

Before a few funnies try this 60 second quiz.

    Click here

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       First, one from the Nutt from Highett:

                             The sex therapist

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.

"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her
friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking
of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd
be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please
tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did
the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!",
Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor
said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery
store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told
us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other.
Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his
tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life
is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the
same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor
called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do
for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did so much good for
Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! "Well, OK," the
doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store
and buy a bag of apples and a box of cheesels..."

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        A couple from British Knickers

                         There's hope for us yet

At 85 years of age, Jim marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25- year-old. Because her
new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that on their wedding night, she and
Jim are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new
husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed, and for
the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door
opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as
one. All goes well, whereupon Jim takes leave of Lou Anne, and she prepares
to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's
Jim! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne
consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Jim kisses Lou
Anne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

Lou Anne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes,
there is another knock at her door, and there he is again... Jim, as fresh
as a 25-year- old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one

As Jim is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than
a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Jim."

Jim, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here

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        An oldie from Biggus McFiFi

                     Maths and sexism- what a good blend!

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use
in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Some from the Westerley List

                            Tied to the tracks

A guy walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so
happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well I'll tell you" replies the ugly bloke. "You know I live by the
railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the movies. I of course went and cut her free and took her
back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short I scored big time! We
made love all night. All over the house. We did everything, me on top
sometimes her on top!" "Fantastic" exclaimed the barman.

"You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"

"I dunno, I never found her head."

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    From Steve Harding

                            The Fly

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot,
dry fly who said to no one in particular "Gosh... if I go down three
inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down
three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking "Gosh... if that fly goes down
three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh" he thought "if that fly goes
down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose
himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for
that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will
shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for
that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... and that hunter shoots
that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I
can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs
the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat
falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches...
Some pussy is probably in danger.

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   Some pics now from Stevo, Wellington Ben, Florida Donn, Deanna, and others.
   [ hey - we need more moving pics of the .mpg .avi .poq variety ]

Heavy load Click here

Thinking dog Click here

Bad vibes Click here

Wicked Witch from the West of Texas Click here

Cock Robin Click here

Ooooops Click here

Nearly caught Click here

Doggie's revenge Click here

How's the weather? Click here

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    From the Duke of Nexhip

                           Why I fired my secretary ...

Two weeks ago was my birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning.
Anyway, I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy
Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The
children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I
walked into my office, my secretary, Sally, said, "Good morning, boss! Happy
Birthday!" And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Sally knocked on my door and said "You know, it's
such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday; let's go to lunch, just
you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the
country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such
a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said,
"No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think
I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure,"
I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a
big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends,
all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat... on the couch... naked

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             From Sunny QueenslandCAT

                          The Airline Solution

Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue
SW Washington DC 20591

Dear Sirs:

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time
getting our airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we
should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked
woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying
again in hope of seeing a naked woman.

We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record
sales. Now why didn't Congress and George Bush think of this?


Bill Clinton

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         Finally an oldie from Matt Greene over at the Brewery

                             Elderly Troubles

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a
sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives
him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like
this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands
and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the
jar open!"

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As the footy has started in earnest particularly for those cocky Saints
supporters ...

The Quote of the Week:

       Injuries have decimated St. Kilda.
       Old saying:  "Man with one chopstick, go hungry"

                                              - Guru Bob
                                                Coodabeen Champions
                                                3AW 10:00am - noon Saturdays

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[ End Fri humour ]

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