Friday humour - March 22, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

   Yo - and greetings to those in the Northern Hemisphere as they officially
   move into Spring.

   The most common theme of new jokes bouncing around in Melbourne lately is
   the Wayne Carey fiasco.  King Carey - as he is ... or was known - was the
   highest paid footballer in the AFL and for many years was Captain of the
   North Melbourne Kangaroos.  He married his home-town (Wagga Wagga)
   sweatheart about 12 months ago but for several months has been having an
   affair with his Vice Captain's wife.  At a party Sunday week ago they
   were caught at it (so to speak) in the loo.  Carey's team-mates were not
   amused (his wife wasn't too pleased either ...) and the King has effectively
   "left the building" and gone back to Wagga Wagga.  The Joke of the Week must
   be Sally's musical submission - "Football Nights"!
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   Some quickies from Dave Allnutt

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me..... I know we've been friends for a long time..... but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed
something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mable, did you know you've
got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where
my hearing aid is."
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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow,"I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of
diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him a
great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
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Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I gettin in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells
back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at
the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head
and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for
good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
I see who's at the door."
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Two gals waiting at the pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you
die?," the first gal asked the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first gal. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second gal. "You get the shakes,
and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a
very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're
sleeping. How about you? How did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first gal. "You see, I knew my husband was
cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home when he wasn't expecting me
to. I ran fast as I could up to the bedroom. There he was all alone watching
TV. I just knew I was right, so I ran down to check out the basement, but
there was no one was hiding there either. Then I ran to the second floor,
but there was no one anywhere up there, so, I flew right on up to the attic,
and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second gal shakes her head. "Ooooh-man!- if only you had started by lookin'
in the freezer, we could both still be alive!"
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      More from Di ...

                          Courses for Men !!

(For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage
under the assumption that men need (or ought) to betrained for marriage ...)

TWO YEAR DEGREE: A new two-year degree is being offered at the University
that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right,
in just six mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn a MA
degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120: How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

(See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220: Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:

EAT 101: Cooking with Tofu Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-in-law MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there.

* MENtal illness
* MENstrual cramps
* MENtal breakdown
* MENopause
* GUYnocologist(poetic spelling) Ever notice how all of women's problems
  start with men?
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    Next, a couple from Brett:

      TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo,1566

7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

And, drum roll, the number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word

 - "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Wayne Carey, 2002
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   This is THE King Carey Klinker from Sally - try and imagine the players
   doing it at the end of season review ...

      FOOTBALL NIGHTS (to the tune of Summer Nights from Grease)

Wayne Carey: "Anthony's wife, she's such a blast"
Kellie Stevens: "Sally's husband, always at full-mast"
Wayne: "She's a slut, crazy for me"
Kellie: "He's so easy, weak as can be"
Wayne: "Lisa's birthday, drinking away, oh I love those football nights"

Teammates: "Well ah, well ah, well ah, well, tell us more, tell us more"

President Aylett: "Did he just grab her breast?"
Roos teammates: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Anthony Stevens: "The prick thinks he's the best!"

Teammates: Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ...

Teammates: Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ...

Wayne: "Wanted to screw her, oh what to do?"
Kellie: "Wayne was so randy, said come to the loo"
Wayne: "She gave me her body, right in Glen's house"
Kellie: "I pulled down his trousers, he ripped at my blouse"
Wayne: "Lisa's birthday, shagging away, oh I love those football nights"

Teammates: "Well ah, well ah, well ah, well, tell us more, tell us more"

President Aylett: "But he's such a great guy"
Roos teammates: "Tell us more, tell us more"
President Aylett:"This must all be a lie"

Teammates: Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ...

Teammates: Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ...

Wayne: "Glen found us at it, decked me with a right"
Kellie: "Glen dobbed to Anthony, oh what a fight"
Wayne: "Sally passed out, which was just as well"
Kellie: "I stayed in the toilet, wet as all hell"
Wayne: "Lisa's 30th, it's all come undone, oh I hate those football fights"

Teammates: "Well ah, well ah, well ah, well, tell us more, tell us more"

President Aylett: "I had to give Wayne the boot"
Roos teammates: "Tell us more, tell us more"
President Aylett:"All because of a root"

Teammates: Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ...

Teammates: Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ...

(Slower now)

Wayne: "My life is over, I was addicted to sex"
Sally: "I'm in a clinic, our marriage he wrecks"
Kellie: "I signed a contract, with New Idea"
Anthony:"Turned out okay, I'll captain this year"
Wayne: "Oh Kangaroos, what have I done, oh I hate those teammate's wives"

Wayne and Kellie: "Sex junky dreams, ripped at the seams, But ... oh those
Football Ni-ights"

Ex-teammates: "Tell me more-or-or"
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These graphic files have arrived from Beryl, Lee, Brett, DavidA, Sarah,
Deanna, and Brett - amongst others.

Advanced planning Click here

Nicely parked Click here

Have a sausage Click here

Lump sum super Click here

You're booked Click here

Carey Capers Click here

Work test Click here

Timber Click here

In a hurry Click here

Funny assortment Click here
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   A couple from Sarah (Aussies - please accept international language
   here ...)

         SPANKINGS MAKE YOU SMARTER! Wednesday March 6, 2002

                         By JUSTIN MITCHELL

LUCERNE, Switzerland - A whack on the fanny boosts your brain's ability to
store and recall information - and can help college students ace exams, a
fascinating new study shows.

Experts at the Lucerne Institute of Psychological Research have found that
your brains may indeed be connected with your behind.

A study of 150 college student volunteers found that following some swats on
their seats their ability to remember facts increased an average of
38 percent!

Students who were barely passing at the time they agreed to submit to the
spankings raised their grade point averages dramatically after repeated
blows to their buns.

"We found the adrenalin rates increased significantly during the spankings,"
says psychologist Dr. Crispin Heinz.

"And the resulting endorphins used to minimize the pain combined with the
adrenalin to effectively open up previously underutilized neural pathways
- turning them into IQ hyperlinks!"

"I can't get enough smack-eroos, especially during finals," says coed Heidi
Lorenz. "I couldn't sit down to take my tests, but it was worth it. Spanking
saved my scholarship!"

The study was undertaken to examine why student test scores have fallen in
recent years. A correlation was found between the banning of corporal
punishment - such as paddling - and the lowered scores.

With the results in, a movement has begun to stop sparing the rod and
students seem willing to submit if it means higher grades.

In addition, "Spanking IQ Parlours" have opened throughout Europe where men
and women of all ages are lining up to have their bottoms buffeted with
hands, paddles and canes.

"I have more clients than I can handle," reports professional fanny smacker
Hermann Von Stroheim. "I usually ask them to bring lists of important facts
or items they have trouble remembering. Then I recite it to them as I firmly
toast their tush into a rosy glow.

"Believe me, they have a hard time forgetting!"
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                          Airfares explained

    First, a reprise of how ordinary hardware stores sell paint:

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Shop Assistant: We have normal quality paint for $18 a litre and premium
paint for $25. How many litres would you like?

Customer: Five litres of normal paint please.

Shop Assistant: Great. That will be $90.

    Now, imagine you are buying paint from Qantas:

First you spend days trying to reach them by phone to ask if they have
paint. Nobody answers. So you drive to a Qantas store.

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Shop Assistant: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Shop Assistant: Our lowest price is $12 a litre, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a litre.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Shop Assistant: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Shop Assistant: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Shop Assistant: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Shop Assistant: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks.
But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and
continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Shop Assistant: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Shop Assistant: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of litres on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way,
the price per litre just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Shop Assistant: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint
yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as
possible. How many litres do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five litres. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Shop Assistant: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you
already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Shop Assistant: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall
and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you
will lose your remaining litres of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid
you for it!

Shop Assistant: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't
keep painting until after Saturday night!

Shop Assistant: Oh yes! Every litre you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a litre" signs

Shop Assistant: Well, that's for our budget paint. It only comes in
half-litres. One $5 half-litre will do half a room. The second half-litre to
complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and
there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Shop Assistant: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your
bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else,
but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone
but us. And I should point out sir, that if you paint in only one direction,
it will be $300 a litre.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Shop Assistant: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Shop Assistant: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on
your next litre of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Shop Assistant: But we're now THIS COUNTRY'S only full service paint
supplier! And don't go looking for bargains! Thanks for painting with
Qantas.
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     Now for another one from Allnutts:

                         GEOGRAPHY OF MEN AND WOMEN

         WOMEN
         -----

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half
discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the
fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries
with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may
have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable
place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war
and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet
and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps
people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a
glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.


         MEN
         ---

Between the ages of 15 - 70, a man is like Germany. A strange landscape,
filled with beer and thoughts of dodgy porno movies.
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    And finally for this week, from Brett and several others:

                                 NEWSFLASH!!!

                 Kangaroos appoint new Captain....go roos......

In a press conference this morning the Kangaroos have appointed Anthony
Steven's wife as captain of the Kangaroos Football Club. In the press
conference held at Arden Street club Chairman Allen Aylett was reported
saying, "Mrs Steven's will make an excellent captain, she has proven that
she is an exceptional team player and gets on well with the other players".

Mrs Steven's has been presented with the number 18 guernsey as she has
expressed a liking for getting into No.18's gear.

                   Also, THE NEW NORTH MELBOURNE THEME SONG

Join in the toilet, they're shagging one and all.
Join in the toilet, the King is on the ball.
Good Ole Wayne Carey,
He never lets us down.
He'll squeeze some butt and shag a slut
And watch North Melbourne drown.
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Thought for the Week:

    Q.  What have Anthony Steven's wife and Ansett got in common?
    A.  They've both been screwed by a Big Kangaroo.

                                                - Brett Valentine, 2002
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[ End Fri humour ]


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