Friday humour - March 15, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

   Good Morning, Greetings, and G'day

   As I'm still drying out from all the rain at "sunny" Bondi my folders
   are in somewhat of a soggy mess and I've also not read some of Tony's FH
   concoctions (pardon me) ... so some of what follows may well have been
   seen before ... and pretty recently.  So if this is the case "stuff it!"
   A rolling stone is worth two in the bush.
      [ Worry not, Ian - I always delete duplicates if and when I recognise 'em.
           Tony, the Bluehaze FH archivist ]

   I liked Tony's editorial about the Ansett Airlines collapse last week.
   I think the rot set in as soon as poor old Reg was bought out by Rupert
   Murdoch (News) and Lindsay Fox (TNT) when quite frankly our Rupert only
   wanted to get control of Melbourne's Channel 10.  Wonky old Air New Zealand
   was just more sour icing on what was left of the cake.

   Now that Patricks' has got into bed with Virgin we must choose to fly The
   Spirit of Australia - remember what Patricks', aided and abetted by Peter
   Reith and his dog squad, did to the Maritime Union - without even any photos!
   [end of waffle]

    [ Spot on, Ian!  So now it's onto Grace L Ferguson Airlines for Oz?
        - Tony ]

   Firstly let your little grey cells get into gear as you ponder over the
   60 second quiz - btw - I think the Rin Tin Tin clue is wrong ... and I'm
   quite unanimous in this ...  Click here

   And an Odd Spot from The (Melbourne) Age:

                               THE WISE WATCH

   A wrist computer has been developed to direct drinkers to the nearest pub,
   says London's Sun newspaper. The device links up with satellites to pinpoint
   where you are and displays the four nearest pubs. Users simply ask, "Where's
   the boozer?" The device can even show the way home.

       ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O---


    First up this week is from British Knickers:

                         AMERICAN HISTORY LESSON

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia and a new student named
Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said,
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.

"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the
floor, someone said, "Oh shit! we're screwed" and Suzuki said, "The Taliban!
2001"

       ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O---


    Some assorted All-nutts from Highett

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of
"work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a
colleague... DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have
been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their
social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you
do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to
purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough
of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be
forgotten by your brain.

If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and
drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to
the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum
punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will
no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest
cartoon ever.

       ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O---

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of
sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good,
the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening
he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites,
and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw
you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull
wins."

       ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O---


   Q & A from Matt Green (now entrenched in the biggest brewery in Oz):

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What do you call a Serbian prostitute?
A. Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?
A. Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays
   the gas all over the car.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-hung.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Cos no man would pull those faces on purpose.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
   their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

       ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O---

More from Knickers

                     Nuns at a football game.......

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at the football game, three men decided to
badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to
Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there..." The second guy spoke up
and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 Catholics living
there..."

The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25
Catholics living there..."

One of the nuns turned around, and looked at the men, and calmly said,

"Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Catholics there."

       ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O---


This pile of graphics have been flung together from you know who you are -
and if you do send more!!!

The first ones are awesome ...

[EDITORS NOTE:  - we like clean ones too!]

Spectacular Click here

Dancing mouse Click here

Cool drink Click here

Planner Click here

Another poor buggar caught on the speedcam Click here

Shopping time Click here

Still life in the old feller Click here

       ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O---

    Some from sunny QCAT

                     Valentine and BJ Day

(Mark this one in yours and your significant other's diary!!!)

Guys, you know the drill... Every 14th of February you get the chance to
display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts,
flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every
Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that
will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do love them more than any
other.

Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret - Guys really don't enjoy
this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is
priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and
consideration.

Another secret - guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special
holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life.

Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

"March 20th" is now officially Steak and Blowjob Day. Simple, effective and
self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a

day to show your man how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special
nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak
and a BJ. That's it.

Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will
usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in
February to ensure a memorable 'March 20th'. Its like a perpetual love
machine!

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs
a little push to start the ball rolling.

So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And,
of course, Steak and BJ's.

       ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O---


                             Stop or Slow

A guy blows through a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.

Cop says, "License and registration please."

Guy says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop, license and
registration, please."

Guy says, "What's the difference?

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License
and registration, PLEASE!"

Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop I'll
give you my license and registration."

Cop says, "Exit your vehicle sir."

At this point, the cop takes out his night stick and starts beating the crap
out of the guy and says, "Now, do you want me to slow down - or stop?"

       ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O---


                             No contest

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.

Later that week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to
be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 am".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that
he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 am. Wake up."

(Men just aren't equipped for this sort of contest...)

       ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O---


1.  The nice men are ugly.

2.  The handsome men are not nice.

3.  The handsome and nice men are gay.

4.  The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5.  The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6.  The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are
   only after their money

7.  The handsome men without money are after our money

8.  The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't
    think we are beautiful enough.

9.  The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice
    and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and
    thank God they are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us
    when we take the initiative

    NOW .... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

PS: Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with.

       ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- ---O---

Thought for the Week:

        "I've never understood why women love cats.

         Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come
         in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and
         when they're home they whine if they're not fed and like
         to be left alone and sleep.

         In other words, every quality that women hate in a man,
         they love in a cat."

                                         She who will remain Anonymous

       ---O--- ---O--- ---O--- --fin-- ---O--- ---O--- ---O---

{STOP PRESS}

The late mail: - current considering yesterdays news ...

[for those who don't live in the world's most liveable city Wayne Carey is
the greatest highest paid most capable thug in Australian Rules football.
Not a bad player (as Jack Dyer would say).  On Sunday evening he attended
a birthday function for a decent lady whose name will remain nameless
cause I frankly don't know it - butt - the entertainment festivities
turned into a brawl when Wayne (Champion Captain of the North Melbourne
Kangaroos) was exposed as having a bonking affair with the current
girlfriend of the Best Man at his recent wedding.  Needless to say - the
Best Man (and Vice Captain of the Kangaroos) was not impressed ...   And
now poor old Wayne has resigned from football.  What a shame ...

And I'm sure you are asking - as anyone would - what happened to her?
Well this is the editorial point.  Does anyone care?  She is a person too.
You think about that now - especially wise Councilor Mad Mick from
Marwick.  Next week Tony will publish the publishable responses ...]

_______________________________________
>From Dave   (who should be ashamed ...)

                           Man of the Moment

Wayne Carey wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best tracksuit
ready for another hard days work of being an overpaid footballer. Catching
sight of himself in the mirror he thinks, "By God, Wayne, you're looking
good this morning". He admires the fine cut of his outfit and the neat trim
of his hair, and flexes his biceps. "Feeling good, too," he notes proudly at
the firm swell of muscle underneath the tight tracksuit he was wearing.

He enters the kitchen downstairs where his girlfriend hands him a bowl of
cornflakes. "You're looking fit this morning, Wayne". "You don't have to
tell me..," says the thick tosser appreciatively. "I feel good as well."
"But you're not smelling so good, mind you " comments his beloved. Wayne
takes a sniff. "You're right there." he says worriedly. "I am smelling a bit
rough." He eats his cereal, downs his coffee, and sets off for Arden Street.

"Good morning, Denis," he grins at Denis Pagan. "It's a fine morning Wayne,"
says Denis, "and you're looking really good." "Why thank you. I look good
and I feel pretty good as well," says Wayne flexing both arms for his
benefit. "Oh Wayne!" winces Denis in disgust, "you smell awful!" Worried,
Wayne visits his doctor.

"Doc, I've got a problem. I look good, I feel great, but I smell awful." The
doc reaches down for his medical dictionary. "You look good," he scans down
the page, "you feel great.... but..... smell awful. Hmmm yes..." "It's quite
simple, Wayne," the doctor says, "You're a C*nt."

       ---O--- ---O--- --final-O-bloody-O-end-- ---O--- ---O---

[ End Fri humour ]


 Previous (March 08, 2002)  Index Next (March 22, 2002)