Friday humour - March 08, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Gidday,
    Still hard to believe that Ansett (our 2nd largest airline in Oz) has
    finally died.  The consortium who were negotiating to buy it but who
    pulled out at the last minute had apparently asked the Oz Govt for around
    $1b in special discount deals, and this had essentially been knocked back.
    Tesna reckon they pulled out because, with only a couple of days to go,
    they still hadn't been given a written go-ahead for their spot at Sydney
    Airport.

    Some have since suggested that the Govt should have bought the airline.
    There were hoots of laughter at this, but it was then pointed out that
    our most successful airline (Qantas) was originally taken over by the
    Federal Government many moons ago when it was just a fledgling carrier.
    They then built it up into a highly profitable business as a large
    international carrier.

    But then, the Governments of those days weren't 'economic rationalists'
    as per our current lot (who believe that "market forces always work for
    the best if left alone").  At the moment, the general philosophy seems
    to be one of "If it makes money, sell it."  One could cynically ask:
    "If they are divesting themselves of every service, then what purpose
     do they serve?"

    Anyway, a very sad week for Oz, and for thousands of Ansett Airline
    personnel who've worked their little bottoms off over the last 6 months
    to try to resurrect the company.  And just as sad for our tourism industry
    and for many of our regional centres.

    Well, that was an editorial.  I don't do 'em too often but this has been
    a frustrating and disappointing week for all of us in Oz, and I just felt
    like letting off some steam.  So - arrgghhhh ...!!

    Which all makes some good humour even more welcome than usual.  So here's
    a couple of quickies from Wayne D (codename DEA111):
                               ------------------------


A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over.  He walks up to
the car and sees a nice-looking woman behind the wheel.  There is the strong
smell liquor on her breath.  He says, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyser
test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.'

She blows up the balloon, and he walks it back to the police car.  After a
couple of minutes he returns to her car and says, 'It looks like you've had
a couple of stiff ones.'

She replies, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

                               ---===#==#==#===---

A man was in a bar drinking a beer.  Every time he took a drink, he would slosh
it around in his mouth, spit it out in the floor, and say, "Motherfucker
sure can drive".

He did this a few times and he was about to do it again, when the bartender
stopped him and asked him why he kept spitting beer in the floor and saying
motherfucker sure can drive.

The man said, "Well, me and my mate were driving down the road when he turned
down a one-way street, then, a semi trailer pulled out behind us while another
was coming at us.  I said, man if you can get us out of this one, I'll suck
your dick!"

"And so?" asked the barman.

"Well," the man said "that motherfucker sure can drive"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now it's over to CUB for these two - as passed on by their chief
      beer taster, John Klimek:
                          ------------------------

   Most of the country has heard of the Darwin Awards given annually to the
   individuals who do the most for mankind by removing themselves from the
   gene pool.

   Now we have the Stella Awards - given to the individuals who win the most
   frivolous lawsuits.  The Stella Awards are named in honour of 81 year-old
   Stella Liebeck - the woman who won $2.9 million for spilling a cup of
   McDonald's coffee on herself.  The following are candidates for the award:

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000
by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who
was running amuck inside a furniture store.  The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving
little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.  Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he
was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

3. October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage.  He was not able to get the garage
door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.  He
couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage
locked when he pulled it shut.  The family was on vacation.  Mr. Dickson found
himself locked in the garage for eight days.  He subsisted on a case of Pepsi
he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food.  Mr. Dickson sued
the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental
anguish.  The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars.

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500
and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbour's beagle.  The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the
time.  Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard.  The award was less than
sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams
who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun.

5. December 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson
of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx.  The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her
boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Clamont, DE., successfully sued the owner
of a night club when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and
knocked out her two front teeth.  This occurred while Ms.  Walton was trying
to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50
cover charge.  She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

                               ---===#==#==#===---

While walking along the footpath in front of his church, a minister heard an
intoning prayer which nearly made his collar wilt.  Apparently, his 5 year old
son and his playmates had found a dead robin.  Feeling that a proper burial
should be performed, the boys secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a
hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers.  With sonorous
dignity, he intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be to the father..... and unto the Son .... and into the hole he goes"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Next one's from Fifi - elst known as Biggus et Dave McCallum:
                           ---------------------

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the
kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary, and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy, and my father is a striptease
dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard
the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that
his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for Essendon, and
I was just too embarrassed to say so."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Just before we hit the pics, here's one more from John at CUB:
                          ------------------------

            HOME HINTS - Martha Stewarts Way Vs The Real Woman's

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake,
you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
                               -----------
Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Deb mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
                               -----------
Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery.  They'll even decorate it for you.
                               -----------
Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".

The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.  Please
recite with me: The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I
don't care how bad it tastes.
                               -----------
Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:
Celery?  Never heard of the stuff.
                               -----------
Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful
glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:
The Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over
the crust and so I don't do it.
                               -----------
Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on
your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem
isn't the headache any more, it is because you are now BLIND!
                               -----------
Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the very cute neighbour to do it.
                               -----------

And finally - the most important tip:

Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that left-over wine.  Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way:
Left-over wine ...??
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Onto a few pics.  First one is a classic passed on Brett Valentine
      from our store here at ... a certain Govt research establishment:

   Oh no, not another Titanic ... Click here

      And this 'un wast forwardeth onst by Ron Kerpen:

   Men ain't the only ones who get henpecked ...
         Click here

      Next couple are from "anon" (I can't find their names, silly me):

   More personal ads: Click here
   Are you thinking ...?  Click here

      Col Macrae thought you might enjoy this ...

   Office chairs: Click here

      And this URL was passed on by Wayne Deane ...

   Does that say "School Bus"? Click here

      Final pair come courtesy of that QCAT place, up north.  First one must
      be about the tallest JPEG pic ever:

   Roadsigns: Click here
   Philosophical cartoons: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And talking of QCAT, that's where this next collection is from ...
                          ------------------------

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each
other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.  The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo.  The wedding was lovely.  After the wedding
at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom,
"I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"Impossible", said the groom broom.  "We haven't even swept together."

                                *  *  *  *  *

A middle-aged man walks into a psychologist's office wearing a dancer's tutu,
flippers and a scuba mask.

The psychologist, humouring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The man answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my brother..."

                                *  *  *  *  *

Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the paediatrician.
The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a
professional manner.  When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you
are allergic to?"  Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear.  Smiling,
the paediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's
mother.  She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food-drug
interaction Little Johnny must have.  Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled
until he showed her the label on the bottle.  As per the doctor's instructions,
it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

                                *  *  *  *  *

I dated this flaky woman one time.  Upon picking her up for dinner, she said,
"I hope you don't mind, but I'm feeling a little schizophrenic tonight."

"Good!"  I said. "That makes the four of us!"

                                *  *  *  *  *

"May I take your Christmas lunch order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, but first I'd like to know how do you prepare your turkeys?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that
they're going to die."

                                *  *  *  *  *

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd
of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first.  He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence
around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area,
so this is the best solution."

The physicist is next.  She creates a circular fence of infinite radius
around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring,
"This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."

The mathematician is last.  After giving the problem a little thought, he
puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be
on the outside!"

                                *  *  *  *  *

Every time an Indian walks into the chief's tepee he sees that the chief is
masturbating.  They finally realise this is a serious problem, so they fix
him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his tepee.

One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's tepee and there's the chief
masturbating again.

He says, "Chief, what are you doing?  We fix you up with a beautiful woman."

The chief says, "Her arm get tired."

                                *  *  *  *  *

A man is sitting at home with his wife.  He says to her, "You know, I was
thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest."

"Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"

"But sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100"

"I don't care", she says "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in
on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.

"Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you
not to?" she asks.

"Please forgive me, sweetheart," he says.

"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears
welling up in her eyes.

The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."

                                *  *  *  *  *

The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best for both
of them.  However, on the way to the airport a rather heated debate started
as to whose fault their break-up was.

At the crowded gate, she turned and said, "Thanks for nothing, you cheap
bastard."

As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted back "Hey
baby.  Don't be like that.  If you ever work this town again, give me a call!"

                                *  *  *  *  *

                               THINGS MEN KNOW

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story; his, hers, and
the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know that from time to time , it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare
at her cleavage.

Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how
to cook them.

Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is
Bambi.

Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his
daughter is in bed.

That's what MEN KNOW!!!!!!!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


               The penultimate piece this week's from Aaron Torpy:
                          ------------------------

It's time to play a private game of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' ...

A man was feeling frisky one night and snuggled up to his wife, when she turned to him and said, "Sorry, I have a headache."

The man hesitated and replied, "Is that your final answer?"

His wife snapped back, "Yes, that's my final answer"

"Well," he said, "In that case, may I phone a friend?".
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        The final word this week is again from Biggus (which will no
        doubt please Lee M):
                          ------------------------

A professor at Auckland University is giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghosts?"  About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever
seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good.  Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.  "That's great.  Has
anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's
fantastic.  But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever
made love to a ghost?"

One student way in the back raises his hand.  The professor is astonished and
says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have slept with a ghost.  You've got to come up here and tell us
about your experience."

The Samoan student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way
up to the podium.  The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have
sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!?  From way pack dere I foughts you say 'goats'.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


             Ah - just before we go, some letters from the UK:
                                *  *  *  *  *

 From: "M.J.J.Rand" <MichaelRand@markwick17.fsbusiness.co.uk>

 Hi Guys,

 Just been speaking to my Cousin Prof and he says he is coming back today
 (Thursday) to give you all grief.  Cousin David and I went to different
 schools together, and now we have gone to different weddings together.
 I had more fun than him ... I was drinking all day and then wrote a bloody
 good dance tune ... I am going to call it DE LIVERDANCE.

   Mad Mick from Markwick.

                                *  *  *  *  *

       And this one from our Michael Lim (commenting on the London Subway
       hygiene contribution in Feb 22's FH):

 Good day,

 Very alarmingly, the bit about the London underground is so close to
 reality that I would not consider it as a joke.  When the train comes out
 of the dark tunnel approaching stations, it is like a huge worm coming
 out of a thick layer of almost materialized black dust....

 However, the government here is almost ready to start their renovation of
 the tube system, it takes 10 years according to the advertisement I read.
 I will post some pictures of the tube to you next time.

 Michael Lim

                                *  *  *  *  *

       Final postscript:  I notice quite a few people are hitting Dave Rand's
       "Best of BBC Comedy" ( Click here ).  So for those who appreciate

       Tony Hancock, I've dropped some full episodes on as well - see pointer
       at the bottom of Dave's collection.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



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