Friday humour - March 01, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

    Greetings - and Happy Autumn to the Aussies on this list - Spring doesn't
    occur in the northern hemisphere till the correct lunatic or solatic date -
    whichever comes first.

    My e-mail is in a bit of a mess (more than usual) as I haven't long returned
    from surfing in the rain at cloudy grey Bondi Beach.  One minute they have
    bushfires and next it's two weeks of hard rain.  The Sydneysiders are not
    amused.  Apologies if some of what follows is recycled as I missed a few of
    Tony's contributions whilst in Soggy Sydney.

    Speaking of "not amused" welcome to Queen Liz who is currently visiting her
    downunder nether-regions and is probably reading this as we speak - in
    between attending dog shows and assorted tea parties.

    Talking of dogs I doubt whether the honorable Mr Howard or Dr Hollingworth
    will be reading this as I expect they must be busy looking for more photos
    coverups and excuses.

    Strange times indeed ...
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                              Brain Drain

Firstly some brainteasers from our deep thinker here known as Brett.  No
cheating now.  Answers towards the end.

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
   The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with
   loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in
   3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5
   minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
   together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of
   this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still
   tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
   throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,
   Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out
   what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was
   wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though.
   Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But
   if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any
   coaching!
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        A couple this week from Sarah ...

                             Mole Breakfast

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole
outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell
sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmm, I smell
pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because
of the two bigger moles.

The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
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                              BLUE RIBBONS

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife
goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right,"
she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife
tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the
closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's
testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his
buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The
woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet
again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's
testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and
sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he
walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's
testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,"Boy, I don't
remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second
place."
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       From the Wild West

                          Place names in Afganistan

Now that American B-52's are reorganizing Afghanistan's landscape, US
intelligence has discovered that the Taliban have renamed some of their
towns to confuse us.

These new names include:

1. Wherz-Myroof

2. Mykamel-Izded

3. Oshit-Disisabad

4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon

5. Pleez-Ztopdishit

6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi

7. Ikantstan-Disnomore

8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin

9. Myturbin-Izburnin


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       A footy joke from Rowan D:

           Essential reading for lovers of AFL Football & Fine Wines

Lion's Crest Cabernet Savignon: Despite an unattractive maroon colouring,
this strong Queensland variety is flavour of the month after winning a gold
medal at the Australian wine festival. A blended wine where the AFL squeezed
the last drop of life out of the Fitzroy Cabernet grape variety then mixed
with the fruity but otherwise dreadful Carrara Bear Estate Savignon. Scary
thing is this wine is not even fully mature yet and could even improve
further.

Carlton Blue Lambrusca: A fizzy Mediterranean-style that has a sickening
taste. Rich and obnoxious, this wine suits those who favour a quick fix or
they'll piss off to the soccer. Well aged, the Carlton Blue seems to always
turn up at the end of season party even though no one else likes it.

Queen Adelaide Crow Chardonnay: Successful straight off the vine but has
aged poorly and lacks character. Popular in South Australia but, where more
choice is offered, tends to be overlooked. Not likely to improve much in the
near future. Give it to your Auntie!

Carringbush Magpie Moselle: Cheap and nasty, with considerable bitterness. A
disappointing and fruitless wine that for whatever reason still appears very
popular with the peasantry. Tends to spend a lot of time in the cellar in
the hope that it might improve - but don't hold your breath.

Windy Peak Hill Fruity Lexia: The kids love it because it tastes like Fanta
and all their friends drink it too. Doesn't have a lot of character and is
unlikely ever to mature. A perennial finalist at awards, but we suspect some
of the judges have been bought off because it seems more than a little
overrated.

Freemantle Hodgepodge Fruit Cider (Purple and Green label): Not a real wine
at all and doesn't look like it ever will be. Management still believes that
if you shove an under-ripe banana in with some leftover lemons, grapefruit
and an eggplant, and stick it in a Bamix, eventually something tasty might
eventually emerge. It might not too!

Old Geelong Sweet Sherry: Popular with the oldies and fairly inoffensive,
but a poor season at the Corio vineyard has meant a dramatic decline in
quality recently. This wine could be appropriate for a Last Supper unless
their Messiah comes back real soon.

Hawksthorn Riesling: If you can get past the awful colouring and that it is
low alcohol, this is a reasonably satisfying drop that will please the whole
family (and your pets too!). Bland and tasteless, this wine has a nutty
flavour that appeals to those who belong to the Cardigan-set. Can also be
used as a hair bleach.

Kangaroo Flat Spumante: Trendy for a little while but doesn't have a lot of
fans and, after a halting of imports from New South Wales and Canberra, this
wine may disappear from shelves altogether. Premium 'Carey' vine is getting
old and using imported grapes hasn't been at all successful to date. Always
good value but increased costs leave this bargain-basement variety with
nowhere to go.

Old Melbourne Hermitage: A classic variety that appears more appropriate to
days-gone-by than today. Clashing flavours - fuddy-duddy indifference versus
erratic opportunism - leaves a bad aftertaste for all but the most devoted.
Still popular with old tossers, but living only on past glories now.

Port Port: a home grown whine... I mean wine... that has only recently
appeared on shelves. Colourful label belies a vinegar flavour that will win
few fans outside its home state. Fairly cheap and great for drinking out of
brown paper bags, expect to see plenty of empty bottles of this in bus
shelters from Alberton to Port Augusta.

Richmond Hill Gold and Black label Shiraz: A bold, high-alcohol variety that
appears on shelves with a great fanfare every March, but tends to have
completely sold out by September. Inconsistent texture that tantalises but
always fails to deliver, although recent crops appear to have more
potential. WARNING: This wine is associated with high rates of alcoholism
and violence.

All Saint Claret: No wine has spent longer in the cellar than this one.
You'd think by now it might have improved, but Nup! Still bloody terrible
and not likely to improve given that newly-hired winemaker Thomas's last job
was brewing backyard root beer in Warrnambool.

Sydney Swan Views Wooded Chardonnay: Using recycled grapes appears to have
worked reasonably well over the past decade without real success.
Interesting fermentation process that involves flooding ripe grapes with
midfielders of questionable disposal skills - this works because they use a
half-sized bottle instead of a real one. Take a bottle of this to the
theatre!

West Coast House White: Don't expect this variety to emerge from the cellar
for another 10 years. Crappy, imported grapes mixed with past-their-prime
vinegars sums up this rapidly deteriorating vintage wine. In a word - yuck!

Dogbreath Grappa: This bottle of wine is best used for belting someone over
the head with while they are not looking. More a weapon than a wine.
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       A couple from QCAT:

                         The Aussie Constitution

We, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as free
nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional boong.

We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New
Zealand) and, although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve
the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One
Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians.

Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day
and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch
is that it's "liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us
think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin
books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has
more Queens than any other city in the world, and is proud of it.

It's mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to
keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks
can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation, where
else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in
Snowton, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand
Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to
sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.

It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if
it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work.

WA was the last state to stop importing convicts, and many of them still
work there in the government and businesses.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep
stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty
kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere
on the planet, and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of
anywhere too.

Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of
us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document
defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God
probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The nation's capital. The least said the
better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for
praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us
Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a
political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes
and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament while Brian bloody
Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the whole country.

Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem
(so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a Sailing
race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath. And we're the best
in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby,
AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.

We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines
and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We don't know much
about art but we know we hate the poofs who make it.

We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.

And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed
little people, at least we're better than the Kiwis.

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though
they were a very large mammal, their throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher
reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
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    There's a few graphics at the bottom of the folder but no credits
    this week - you know who you are.  Well - most of you do ...
                               -----------

Ecstasy Click here

Informed drivers Click here

Big bad bear calendar Click here

Caught on speedcam-1 Click here

Caught on speedcam-2 Click here

Voicemail-1 Click here

Voicemail-2 Click here

What's your starsign? Click here

Knock knock, who's there?  Click here

Problem solver Click here

The magic roundabout Click here

Refenge of the killer sofa Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And a few from Highett Dave ...

                          Hungry Jacks in Kiwiland

Two tourists were driving through New Zealand. As they were approaching
Taumatawhakatangiakitanatahu, they started arguing about the pronunciation
of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter one tourist asked the Samoan employee, " Before
we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The Samoan leaned over the counter and said, " Burrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr,
Kiiiiiiing"
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                           It's Dark in Here

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9
year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and
shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the
closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No,
thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250".

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have
a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How
much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The
priest says, "Don't start that shit again".
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               A quaint little ditty about ... Australia

This appeared in the UK Sunday Times. Very tongue in cheek but as you would
expect, Australia has reacted rather badly to it.

Surely, after 20 days of trial by fire, the Australians must now realise
that God never really intended this enormous tinderbox to be used for human
habitation.

Plainly it was created as a giant dustbin, a place far from Civilisation
where all His failed experiments could be left to their own terrifying
devices. "Oh no," said God on the fourth day, "I've gone and made a spider
which can kill a man just by looking at him. I need somewhere to put it."

So on the fifth day He created Australia. This then became home for All the
horrid snakes and the bitey crocodiles and the baby-eating dingoes. And to
make sure that man stayed away, He made the land itself completely infertile
and filled the sea around its shores with deadly sharks and killer
jellyfish. He even built an enormous barrier reef.

Frankly, He did everything possible to ensure that humans never went there,
short of putting up a sign saying "Trespassers will be eaten".

Nobody knows what drew the Aborigines but we do know that the first whiteman
to sail this way was the world's most useless explorer, a Dutchman called
Abel Tasman. In a three-year voyage he found Fiji, New Zealand and Tasmania,
but in one of the most inept pieces of Navigation ever he completely missed
the big bit in the middle. That was Discovered by Captain James Cook who
stepped off his ship, sniffed the air and declared, "Yes. This would make a
fantastic prison."

He was right, of course. For millions of years Australia had harboured All
the world's dangerous animals so why not use it as a waste disposal unit for
dangerous people? And even when the transportation of convicts stopped, it
was still a good place for people who couldn't get on anywhere else.

Think about it. Nobody ever went to live in Australia because of the success
they'd made of things at home. "I have thousands of friends, endless party
invitations, a wonderful, happy family, a great job and even better
prospects. So I'm off." All Australians are descended from Billy No Mates.

You'd expect them to have some sympathy with the refugees from central Asia.
But no. They've turned their former prison into a fortress and The doors are
now firmly closed.

Australians stand on their porches with flames licking at their back door,
telling us that life over there is peachy. "It's always warm enough for a
barbecue," they say. Never mind that the most recent barbie was so enormous
and so hot that it had to be extinguished by a fleet of helicopters.

They're even using the wildlife as a scare campaign, telling the world what
we already know: that the 10 most deadly snakes found anywhere in the world
are all Australian. They run PR campaigns throughout Asia, showing pictures
of boats used by refugees marooned on beaches with big fat crocodiles
lolling nearby.

However, the reception from the indigenous wildlife is as nothing compared
to the reception you'll get from the locals.

It's bad enough for a British person who's only there on holiday. Every time
you walk into a pub, you get the same reaction. "Backs to the Wall everyone.
There's a Pom in the bar," followed by: "Hide your wallet Under the soap. He
won't find it there."

Not desperately imaginative but then what do you expect from a people Who
named a blue spotted ray that lives in lagoons "the blue spotted Lagoon
ray", or a range of mountains with snow on them "the Snowy Mountains". And
that's before we get to "the Great Barrier Reef".

Anyway, if we have a hard time, imagine what it's like for Abdul. In A
recent poll, 96% of Australians said they wanted the refugees out, dead,
buried, eaten, anything. Last summer an advertisement appeared in one of the
newspapers there asking people with a military background to join
vigilante-style patrols.

Refugees who get caught by the proper authorities are sent to a
fantastically remote detention centre near Woomera, where the British did
their atomic tests in the 1950s. They can get out easily but it's an 18-day
walk to the nearest telephone box and that's doubly hard when you've grown
two heads.

So what sort of volume are we talking about here? Well, last year the number
of people who arrived in Australia illegally from the usual refugee hot
spots was 4,500. That works out at one for every 666 square miles. You could
put the downtrodden masses from all over the world in the Northern
Territories and not even know they were there.

Australia says that it took in thousands of Vietnamese and Cambodian Boat
people in the 1970s and 1980s, along with most of Britain's displaced trade
union leaders who were no longer welcome at No 10 for tea and buns. It won't
now fulfil the legal and moral obligations of other nations.

Well, Europe has a falling birthrate and can take a few refugees. The
Americans are dropping food parcels on their heads. Africa is hopeless and
Asia is the problem, which leaves either Antarctica, which seems a Bit
antisocial, or the very place that was specifically designed to be Home for
misfits: Australia.
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    A quickie from David Finn:

                             Investment News


Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA
(mykoxaphalentooldphyew) will soon be available in liquid form under the
trade name of Mydixaflop.

Mydixaflop will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as
a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name Mount
And Do.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:
"It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."
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           -oOo-  Answers to Brett's "Brain Drain"  -oOo-

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with
loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

   The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over
5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it,
and hung it up to dry.

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of
this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still
tell which water came from which jug?

Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in
the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away?

The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: hmmmm...
Barbecue.

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out
what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was
wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though.
Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But
if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any
coaching!

The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English
language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.
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Rumour of the Week is from Ben in Wellington


      In MTV news this week, it is rumoured that Mark Knophfler's band
      "Dire Straits", and Chris Rea will be joining together.

      The new Band's name?

      Dire-Rea.
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[ End Fri humour ]


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