Friday humour - February 22, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

       Yo,
   And Davo's finally returned from Bondi Beach - yeah!  So with luck he'll
   churn out next weeks FH for you (and BTW, keep sending those pics and
   things in, too).

   Now - didn't that unscheduled Tuesday humour re the 'unique' symmetry of
   this weeks time/date (of 20:02, 20/02, 2002) cause a furore!  This response
   that just arrived from Maddus Mickus (cousin of Dave) probably sums it up:

      "Had an answer back on this one Tony from another Councillor friend of
      mine - the equally Awsome Adrian of the Mill.
      Try 21:12 on 21st Dec year 2112 and you get 21:12, 21/12, 2112"

   Similar responses came from LMS Steve, Woz (Waterford), Nestor, and
   Dave Barker.

   Mark Pownceby also had this thought:

      "Hi Tony, Unfortunately all our American friends will not be able to
      celebrate this momentous event as they missed their big chance way back
      in 02:02, 02/02, 0202.
      If only they knew to put the day before the month!"

   Nestor (our Illinois correspondent) was having similar thoughts ...

      "Hmmm....

      Unfortunately, these eventful moments in time will barely be noticed in
      the USA as those of you that are familiar with this part of the known
      universe will note the datetime here will be forever recorded by the
      general public as:

      20:02 02/20 2002

      Fortunately, there are a few of us that coexist in two universes and
      understand the God given tongue of both worlds.

      Nestor
      !!!!!

      (Notice I didn't say which one was God given!)"


   So okay, okay ... seems like people pay much more attention to Tuesday
   Humour than they do to Friday Humour :-)

   Enough of Letters to the Editor.  Let's get onto this weeks load of
   nonsense.  First up, it's one from Nicki the BFXRD
                            ----------------------

Geologists are amazing.  They know hundreds of words for different sorts of
dirt and hundreds of words for things it does when left alone for a few
million years.

                                SANITY CHECK

 You Might Be a Geologist If:

1.  You own more pieces of quartz than underwear.

2.  Your rock collection weighs more than you do.

3.  Your rock garden is located inside your house

4.  You can pronounce the word "molybdenite" correctly on the first try.

5.  You don't think of "cleavage" the same way everyone else does.

6.  You have ever uttered the phrase "have you tried licking it" with no
    sexual connotations involved

7.  You think the primary function of road cuts is tourist attractions.

8.  You find yourself compelled to examine individual rocks in driveway gravel.

9.  You're planning on using a pick and shovel while you're on vacation.

10. Your Internet home page has pictures of your rocks.

11. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop
    on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side
    you're parked on.

12. You can point out where Tsumeb is on a world globe.

13. The baggage handlers at the airport know you by name and refuse to help
    with your luggage.

14. You have ever found yourself trying to explain to airport security that a
    rock hammer isn't really a weapon

15. You never throw away anything.

16. You have ever taken a 22-passenger van over "roads" that were really
    intended only for cattle

17. You consider a "recent event" to be anything that has happened in the last
    hundred thousand years

18. You have ever had to respond "yes" to the question, "What have you got in
    here, rocks?"


                           GEOLOGICAL THESAURUS

Geological Term                       Meaning

It is known:                          I believe.

It is believed:                       I think.

It has been long known:               I haven't bothered checking the references.

It is generally believed:             My colleagues and I think.

There has been some discussion:       Nobody agrees with me.

It can be shown:                      Take my word for it.

It is proven:                         It agrees with something mathematical.

Of great theoretical importance:      I find it interesting.

Of great practical importance:        This justifies my employment.

Of great historical importance:       This ought to make me famous.

Some samples were chosen for study:   The others didn't make sense.

Typical results are shown:            The best results are shown.

Correct within order of magnitude:    Wrong.

The values were obtained empirically: The values were obtained by accident.

The results are inconclusive:         The results seem to disprove my
                                      hypothesis.

Additional work is required:          Someone else can work out the details.

The investigations proved rewarding:  I didn't get lost
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     Next one was passed on by Maria the Harding.  Another great template
     to save away for the next time you need to chastise a supplier :-)
                             ------------------------

                ACTUAL COMPLAINT LETTER RECEIVED AT OPTUS

   Dear Cretins,

I have been an Optus customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.  During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties - or, more
likely I suspect, so that you can have some entertaining reading material as
you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the
bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in
my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes on my mobile phone
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish
robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....  err, how exactly
when my MODEM has been disconnected?  I alleviated the boredom to some small
degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which
you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum.  Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not
arrived.  After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls
over 4 weeks) my modem arrived... a total of six weeks after I had requested
it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your Internet servers is roughly 35%...these
are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and
most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection.  I have made 9 telephone calls
on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully
transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also
highly skilled bollock jugglers.  I have been informed that a telephone line is
available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available
(and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who
knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me
that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the
irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those
crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.  Frankly I don't care, it's
far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to
shout them at your unending hold music.  Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought Telstra were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no- one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their
customers.  That's why I chose Optus, and because, well, there isn't anyone
else is there?  How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of
bastards you truly are.  You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
incompetents of the highest order.  Telstra - wankers though they are - shine
like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you.  I suggest that you do likewise, and
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services
which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such
activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although
these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small
measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company.  I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated
during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I
would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their
rich aroma and delicate texture.  Consider them the very embodiment of my
feelings towards Optus, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

Rgds
Adam Olsen
Terrigal
  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Okay - onto some pics.  First up - a little movie sent in by Lee McRae
     (formerly of CSIRO at Port Melbourne, now at Melb Uni):

    Is this real? Click here

     Russell (our PC expert where I work) found this interesting collection:

    Silly molecules: Click here

      Jenny (ex-colleague at Boral) thought you might enjoy this one:

    Find the Pres: Click here

      And here's a couple from up north - at QCAT:

    Men need this: Click here
    Miniskirt: Click here
    Find the car: Click here
    MS Xbox advert: Click here
      (The above played okay on one player I tried but skipped on another,
       so good luck :-)

      Cr. Maddus Mickus (East Cheam, UK) thought you might appreciate this one:

    Road sign story: Click here

      And finally for this week, a really cute little bit of web Javascript
      as passed on by Mike Horne.  Keep in mind that this is NOT a picture -
      it's pure text, but animated via some clever programming.  Move your
      mouse around the screen ...

    Chase the clock: Click here
  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      This next textual contribution was mailed in a few weeks ago by Mark
      O'Grady from the UK.  He's not on the FH list (he was just surfing
      around in the FH archives at Bluehaze) but he thought that you guys
      might be interested:
                             ------------------------

                              LONDON TRAVEL NEWS

If you are a regular traveller on the London Underground, here are some facts
which you are going to wish you hadn't read.

During Autumn of 2000, a team of scientists at the Department of Forensics
at University College London removed a row of passenger seats from a Central
Line tube carriage for analysis into cleanliness.  Despite London Underground's
claim that the interior of their trains is cleaned on a regular basis, the
scientists made some alarming discoveries.

The analysis was broken down.  This is what was found on the surface of the
seats:

Four types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog)
Seven types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive)
Vomit originating from at least 9 separate people
Human urine originating from at least 4 separate people
Human excrement
Rodent excrement
Human semen

When the seats were taken apart, they found:

The remains of 6 mice
The remains of 2 large rats
One previously unheard of fungus

It is estimated that, by holding one of the armrests, you are transferring to
your body the natural oils and sweat from as many as 400 different people.

It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day
than to travel for one hour a day on the London Underground.

It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently flushed
toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a London Underground
seat before eating.

It is estimated that, within London, more work sick-days are taken because
of bugs picked up whilst travelling on the London Underground than for any
other reason (including alcohol)
  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Steve Harding just passed on another dirty ditty to read to your
        children tonight:
                             ------------------------

              Mary, Mary, quite contrary
              swallowed a watch one day,
              and now she's taking Epsom salts
              to pass the time away.
              The Epsom salts they did not work,
              the time it did not pass,
              so if you want to know the time,
              just look up Mary's
              uncle; he's got a watch too.
  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Finally, yet another quick guide to Aussie slang for all those
       distinguished overseas visitors that you may be entertaining over
       the next few months.  Ought to be essential reading for all.
       Passed on by (guess who) ... Russell Newnham ... raaaaghto:
                             ------------------------

       Have a perv at these.

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a black box.

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at
3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise,
even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there,
and where you've come from.

BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e.
"I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer
scooter".

BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BOILER SUIT
The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus aforethought,
score with a BOBFOC last night.  This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo
court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.

BONE OF CONTENTION
A hard-on that causes an argument, eg: one that arises when a man is watching
Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking.  After breaking
the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every
10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', eg: "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

BUNNY-BOILER
An unhinged and overly possessive woman.  From the rabbit boiling scene in
the film "Fatal Attraction", eg: "I don't like the look of that aeroplane
blonde - could be a bunny boiler".

DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cash point machine (ATM).  Named so because it is common
to visit one before going out on the booze.

ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples
simultaneously.

FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

FREE THE TADPOLES
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.

FRIGMAROLE
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

GOING FOR A McSh1t
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just
going to the bog.  If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration
to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McSh1t With Lies.

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in
a burger restaurant.  The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars
that staffs at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the
outside, but there's actually F@ck-all in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot that, when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet
after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub
is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up,
whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed
instead.

NBR (No Beers Required)
Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub.  The opposite of a 10-Pinter.

NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE
The need to defecate imminently.

PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather).  An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out
there!"  Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.

PICASSO @rse
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got
4 buttocks.

SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.

TART FUEL or BITCH PISS
Bottled Alcopops, eg: Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

TEN-Pinter
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.

TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.

TWO-Bagger or DOUBLE BAGGER
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head,
and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).

UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. eg: "Don't
think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

WANK SEANCE
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that your dead relatives
are watching you with disgust.

WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. eg: "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle
of tart fuel please Doreen".

X-PILES
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
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[ End Friday humour ]   ( Archive - Click here )




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