Friday humour - February 15, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Gidday,
    Melbourne weather is always so entertaining.  Yesterday hit 36c (97f)
    and today's supposed to be close to 40c.  But last weekend was so cold
    that we had to light a fire at our house.  It was freezing cold, gale
    force winds, and rain and hail.  A few days later we're sagging under
    the heat (And there's a cool change this evening, just in time for the
    weekend ... endless variety).

    Anyway, I thought we'd begin with something different this week - a small
    sample from the rec.humour.funny USENET newsgroup archive from 1987!

    First one was posted by someone at the University of Houston:
                            ------------------------

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with
another man. (Sounds familiar, right?) So he dragged the man down the stairs
to the garage and put his John Thomas in a vice.  He secured it tightly and
removed the handle.  Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop, stop!  You're n-not going to.. to.. cut it
off, are you?!"

The husband, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, says:

"Nope - YOU are.  I'M just gonna to set fire to the garage."
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       Next one was posted by someone at LaTrobe Uni here in Melbourne
       (Bundoora actually), who, judging by the domain in the address, was
       tied in with the Computer Science faculty at the time ...
                            ------------------------

Little Willie had a gambling problem.  He'd bet on anything.

One day, Willie's father consulted his teacher.  The teacher said. "Mr Gaines,
I think I know how to teach Willie a real lesson.  We'll trap him into a big
wager that he'll lose."  Willie's father agreed to cooperate with the plan.

The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with the other
children, and she said, "Willie, I want you to remain after class."

When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher.  Before
she could say a word, he said, "Don't say it, Miss B - I know what you're
going to say, but you're a liar!"

"Willie!" the startled teacher said, "What are you talking about?"

"You're a fake!" Willie continued.  "How can I believe anything you tell me?
You've got blonde hair, but I've seen your bush and it's pitch black!"

Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, "Willie, that simply isn't true."

"I'll bet a dollar it is!" Willie challenged.

The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson. "Make it five dollars
and you have a bet," she said.

"You're on!" Willie whipped out a five dollar bill.  Moving around out of sight
of the window, Miss B. quickly dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed
Willie her pubic hair - which was as blonde as the hair on top of her head.

Willie hung his head. "Argh, alright - you win," he said, handing her the fiver.

Miss. B could hardly wait for Willie to leave so she could get to a phone to
call his father.  She reported what had happened.

"So, Mr Gaines," she said, "I think we've FINALLY taught him his lesson!"

"The hell we have" the father muttered. "This morning Willie bet me ten
dollars that he could get to see your pussy before the day was over!"
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      And the final contribution I'm taking from this 1987 collection was
      posted by Jim from Sun Microsystems - although the editor notes that
      it was apparently first posted in 1984.  (And - yep - the Internet was
      alive and well in 1984 - albeit only in textual form)
                            ------------------------

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough
to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the days when the Wild West
meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws, tornados and droughts--not the
current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave
hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and earthquakes.  That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the
wildest saloon in the territory.  He soon proved how rough and tough he was,
and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't
skim too much off the receipts.  He told Fred that he (Fred) was doing a fine
job, but he should remember one thing: "If you ever hear even a rumour that
Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red
Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can."

Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation.  He was told that
Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came
to town once or twice a year.  However, Martin was the most dangerous guy
they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the
tale.  Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.

Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at
full speed, yelling, "Martin's coming!  Head for the hills!"  The result was
incredible.  Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took
off for the hills.  Except Fred.  He wanted to see this guy because he didn't
believe he could be all that tough.  So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye
on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.

He didn't wait long.  Soon there was a noise in the street.  As Fred looked out
a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the centre
of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen.  The guy
stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in
the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, "Wait here til I
get back!"  The fellow turned and walked up the steps.  Fred saw that the guy
had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes.  He tied them both to a post and
kicked them soundly, hollering, "You pussycats stay here til I'm done!"  The
cats fearfully sat down.

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he
passed.  With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red
Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp.  Poor Fred, thoroughly
frightened by now, let out a little whimper.  The guy looked down over the
bar and roared, "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?"

Fred managed to say, "N..n..n..nothing, mister.  Do you want another bottle of
Red Eye?"

To which the fellow replied, "Hell, no!  I don't have time!  I gotta get out of
here.  Mad Martin's coming!"
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      Now to a contribution from our own BFXRD - re New Dog Cross-Breeds:
                            ------------------------
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
Oh, never mind....
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      This one's from David Magnay (ex-Telstra, currently over at ANZ):
                            ------------------------

   "In Speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran and North Korea 'Axis of Evil" -- N.Y.

    ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA AND SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL

 Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

    Beijing (SatireWire.com) --
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China,
and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which
they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis
President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having,
for starters, a really dumb name. "Right.  They are Just as Evil... in their
dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're
the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although
they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President
Saddam Hussain. "This is not my rule, it's tradition.  In World War II you
had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis.  So you can only have three.
And a secret handshake.  Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within
minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what
became a game of geopolitical chairs.  Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had
formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and
Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia
established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up,
Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of
Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the
Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while
Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be
Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish
Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun
of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected
the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing
one of its members of filing a false application.  Officials from Paraguay,
Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately,
world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
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     First up in the pics/sound department this week - a cartoon from John
     belts-and-braces (and if-it-doesn't-move-label-it) Stevens:

  Show me your pussy: Click here

     Then this one, passed on by Peter at CSIRO Lands and Water:

  Great new solutions: Click here

     I forget who passed this one on ...

  Well, how are you ... Click here

     One more audio-grab from Detroit's "Mojo in the morning" show.  Nowhere
     near as good as last weeks 'tongue' episode, but not bad ...

  Mojo and Clinton: Click here

     That's it for multimedia this week (as Davo mentioned a cupla weeks ago,
     the pics drawer is pretty well empty now)
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       This next pair were passed on by John K over at CUB (our local beer
       brewer in Melbourne - they make things like Foster's Lager, Carlton
       Draught, Crown Lager, etc):
                            ------------------------

                             PEACE PROTEST TODAY!

The leaders of the world are asking for your support to combat terrorism, and
we are being encouraged to demonstrate against it, today at 3.00pm.

It's well-known that the Taliban are against alcohol consumption, AND they
believe that it's sinful to look at a naked woman.

Therefore, at 3 o'clock today, all women should run naked through the office
while the men sit around watching and drink beer.  This is the best way to
show our disgust for the Taliban and will hopefully help us in detecting
the terrorists among us.

Anybody who doesn't do as proposed will be assumed to be a terrorist, denounced
to the world, and shot.

                          ----==== #  #  # ====----

  and ...

        BILLY CONNOLLY'S WAY TO LIVE LIFE AS QUOTED FROM HIS NEW BOOK

"Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.  Have lots of long lie-ins.
Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie
about your age, do it in the other direction: tell people you're ninety-seven
and they'll think you look f**king great.

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go
and seeing it swimming away.  Never eat food that comes in a bucket.

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day
just sitting.  Boo joggers.  Don't work out, work in.

Play the banjo.

Sleep with somebody you like.

Eat plenty of Liquorice Allsorts.

Try to live in a place you like.  Marry somebody you like.  Try to do a job
you like.

Never turn down an opportunity to shout, 'F**k them all!' at the top of your
voice.

Avoid bigots of all descriptions.

Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old ...
look forward to it.

Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.  After that, who cares?
He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there's
spinach on them.

Avoid people who say they know the answer.  Keep the company of people who
are trying to understand the question.

Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes.

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11 a.m. - start one.

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international
language, it has no swearwords.

If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six 'f**k's in it.

Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.

Don't be talked into wearing a uniform.  Salute nobody.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Campaign against blue Smarties.

Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and
square sliced sausage and a cup of tea.  When you feel the tea coursing over
your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say: 'It's good to
be alive!'.
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       One for a contribution from our other XRD Nicki - the one who
       plays various musical instruments (some of which are taller than her):
                            ------------------------

                             GREAT MUSICAL QUOTES

My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a producer.
  - Cole Porter

Don't bother to look, I've composed all this already.
  - Gustav Mahler, to Bruno Walter, who had stopped to admire mountain scenery
in rural Austria.

I would rather play "Chiquita Banana" and have my swimming pool than play
Bach and starve.
  - Xavier Cugat

(Musicians) talk of nothing but money and jobs.  Give me businessmen every
time.  They really are interested in music and art.
  - Jean Sibelius, explaining why he rarely invited musicians to his home.

The amount of money one needs is terrifying...
  - Ludwig van Beethoven

Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a
living.
  - Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer

I am not handsome, but when women hear me play, they come crawling to my feet.
  - Niccolo Paganini

Of course I'm ambitious.  What's wrong with that?  Otherwise you sleep all day.
  - Ringo Starr

Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two
or three seats.
  - Victor Borge, playing to a half-filled house in Flint, Mich.

If one hears bad music it is one's duty to drown it by one's conversation.
  - Oscar Wilde

Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together.
  - Mel Brooks

Life can't be all bad when for 10 dollars you can buy all the Beethoven
sonatas and listen to them for 10 years.
  - William F. Buckley Jr.

You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow.
  - Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding ticket

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
  - Mark Twain

I love Beethoven, especially the poems.
  - Ringo Starr

If a young man at the age of 23 can write a symphony like that, in five years
he will be ready to commit murder.
  - Walter Damrosch on Aaron Copland

There are still so many beautiful things to be said in C major.
  - Sergei Prokofiev

I never use a score when conducting my orchestra.  Does a lion tamer enter a
cage with a book on how to tame a lion?
  - Dimitri Mitropoulos

God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way.
  - Arturo Toscanini to a trumpet player

Already too loud!
  - Bruno Walter at his first rehearsal with an American orchestra, on seeing
the players reaching for their instruments

I really don't know whether any place contains more pianists than Paris,
or whether you can find more asses and virtuosos anywhere.
  - Frederic Chopin

When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed
his name off the piano.
  - Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis Diller

Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them.
  - Richard Strauss

In opera, there is always too much singing.
  - Claude Debussy

Oh how wonderful, really wonderful, opera would be if there were no singers!
  - Gioacchino Rossini

Movie music is noise.  It's even more painful than my sciatica.
  - Sir Thomas Beecham

I think popular music in this country is one of the few things in the 20th
century that has made giant strides in reverse.
  - Bing Crosby
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Fri humour ]



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