Friday humour - February 08, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Some of you might have noticed that we didn't have a humour posting
    last week.  This happened because both editors (Davo and Tony) were away
    from the jokes desk.  Davo decided to take a cupla weeks off before I
    got back from my hols.

    He's currently standing on Bondi Beach in Sydney under a large brolly
    (Sydney do tend to do that when they get the cricket).  Anyway, let's
    hope he's finding something exciting to do in Sydney other than surfing
    in the rain?

    Now - first up this week, it's a bit of a puzzle from QCAT:

 Count the number of times the letter "F" appears in the text below.

                       FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
                       SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
                       IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
                       EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

 The answer's down at the end ...

    And in the humour department, this one was just passed on by Gary Burge:

Jay and his blonde wife live in Chicago (near Nestor?).  One winter morning
while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to
have 3 to 4 inches of snow today.  You must park your car on the even numbered
side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."  So Jay's wife goes
out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast and the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today.  You must park your car on the
odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."

Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.  You must park...", then the
electric power goes out.

Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

    Next - this one from our flaming Social Club Pres, one David McCallum:

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned
about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian
saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone
a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad.  Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have
enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're
not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.  And if other kids saw
what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.  And then
he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them
and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David,
that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the crap out of him."

      And on a similar topic, TBFXRD (Nicki) sent this across on Monday:

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.
There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington,
slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty,
so they gave you death!"  Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal
Government to provide for the common defence!"  He drops a large weight on
Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James
Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back
toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams
"This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for
you.  What did you think I said?"

           Now for something from our old degen Westerly list ...

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great
forest fire.  He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him
over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip.

Sure enough, a small Cessna aeroplane was waiting.  He jumped in with his
equipment and yelled, "Come on, let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and
soon they were in the air, though flying somewhat erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make
several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a
photographer ... photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the pilot replied: "You mean you're NOT my new instructor?"

     Next it's to the U.K. and this short one from Brian D. McNicol esq:

A Texan goes into a Bar, buys a round of drinks for everyone in the Bar and
proudly announces "My wife has just given birth to a typical Texan baby boy
weighing 25lbs!"

Congratulations were showered on him by everyone in the Bar, a woman even
fainted from sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar, and the barman, recognising him said,
"You're the father of the typical Texan boy that weighed 25lbs at birth,
aren't you?  How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father announces 17lbs.  The puzzled Barman is concerned and says
"What?  What happened - he was already 25lbs at birth"?

The Texas Dad takes a long slow swig from his long neck Lone Star beer, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the Barman and proudly says
"I had him circumsized!"

     Okay - onto some pics ... and a movie ... and some sound bites.
     First up, a collection from Maria H:

   Problem fixed: Click here
   Hitler-cat: Click here
   Hanging: Click here
   Goldfish with Diarrhoea: Click here
   George W at Vatican: Click here

     Here's some more from Steve Kero (who's been quiet for a while):

   Toyota's new TM: Click here
   Nutty Japenese ideas: Click here

     And - sorry - I forget who sent this cute one:

   Smile: Click here

     Some audio bites now - this is one that I found:

   Tongue in ... Click here

     Incidentally, I found that as a result of James Powell having passed me
     on this one from the same crowd:

   Car Care: Click here

     Both of the above 'phone-scam classics are examples of a regular
     breakfast-session spot as run by a bunch of guys called Mojo, Spike and
     Sara on Channel 955 FM in Detroit.  If you want to see their home page
     (and hear more spots) - Click here

     And last but definitely not least - a song passed on by Andrew Smith
     (and our overseas listeners may need a few seconds to cop the accent):

   Nobody likes a bogan: Click here

     And back to the textual stuff again - with this one from Dave McCallum.
     Some alternative nursery rhymes for tonight ...

         Mary had a little skirt
         With splits right up the sides
         And every time that Mary walked
         The boys could see her thighs
         Mary had another skirt
         T'was split right up the front ...
         but she didn't wear that one very often

         Mary had a little lamb
         Her father shot it dead
         Now it goes to school with her
         Between two chunks of bread

         Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
         Her clothes all tattered and torn
         It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her
         But Little Boy Blue and his horn

         Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair
         Said Simple Simon to the pieman
         "What have you got there?"
         Said the pieman unto Simon
         "Pies, you dickhead!"

         Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
         Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
         All the King's horses and all the King's men
         Said "F**k him, he's only an egg"

         Mary had a little lamb
         It ran into a pylon
         10,000 volts went up it's arse
         And turned it's wool to nylon

         Georgie Porgy pudding and pie
         Kissed the girls and made them cry
         When the boys came out to play
         He kissed them too, cause he was gay

         Jack and Jill
         Went up the hill
         To have a little fun
         Jill, the dill
         Forgot her pill
         And now they have a son

         Old Mother Hubbard
         Went to the cupboard
         To fetch her poor doggy a bone
         When she bent over
         Rover took over
         And gave her a bone of his own

         Little Boy Blew
         (He needed the money)

    From Lachlan (currently back in Melbourne for a few weeks), this
    site is worth a look if you're after that special gift ...

    Gadjets for God: Click here

    Some more classic Court transcripts as recorded by the keepers of the
    word in various parts of the world (some are old, some are new ...):

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
                              === # # # ===

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
                              === # # # ===

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
                              === # # # ===

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
                              === # # # ===

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
                              === # # # ===

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which
   I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
                              === # # # ===

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
                              === # # # ===

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay?  Now - which school did you go to?
A: Oral.
                              === # # # ===

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
                              === # # # ===

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
                              === # # # ===

Q:  Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
A:  I refuse to answer that question.
Q:  Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
A:  I refuse to answer that question.
Q:  Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
A:  No.
                              === # # # ===

Q:  So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe
    with respect to your scalp?
A:  I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q:  It was covered?
A:  Yes.  Bandaged.
Q:  Then, later on, what did you see?
A:  I had a skin graft.  My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on
    top of my head.
                              === # # # ===

Q:   What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
A:   There were traces of semen.
Q:   Male semen?
A:   That's the only kind I know of.
                              === # # # ===

Q:   On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the
     footpath to the cowshed?
A:   I did.
Q:   And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
A:   I did.
Q:   And did you observe anything?
A:   I did.  (Witness remains silent.)
Q:   Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
A:   I saw George.
Q:   You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
A:   Yes.
Q:   Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
A:   Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
Q:   Well, would you kindly do so?
A:   He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
Q:   His "thing"?
A:   You know ... his thing.  His di... I mean, his penis.
Q:   You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you
     have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
A:   Yes.
Q:   Did you say anything to him?
A:   Of course I did!
Q:   What did you say to him?
A:  "Morning, George."

           And the answer to "How many F's" in:

                FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
                SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
                EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

   Well, most people say there are 3.  There are 6.

   The reasoning:

   The brain cannot process "of".
   Incredible or what ?
   Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
   Even four is quite rare.
[ End Friday humour ]

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