Friday humour - January 25, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

   Yo - It's finally heating up in the world's most liveable city - Summer
   took a long time coming.  May it stay awhile ...   Tony is doing a spot of
   fishin', drinkin', smokein', and relaxin' at Phillip Island where the fairy
   penguins go swimmin' and a waddlin'.

   Firstly this week I'll hand you over to Rosalie ...
                        ----------------------

Hi all,

Here is something for you to train your eye on ...

Look for the blue object found in between the door of the following picture.
Stare into it for about 30 seconds without blinking. Just be patient, and
you'll never regret. Tell me what you see..

Enjoy..

:-)
        Click here
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   And one from the gone but not forgotten David Finn

   BTW, David is back moonlighting part-time at "Siro Upon Collins" (up
   the Paris end of Collins Street) and he's still licking his wounds after
   Brissie trounced the Bombers in the Grand Final.  Ho Ho Ho!  :)
                         ------------------------

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to
look at a horse .. The buddy says,"how will I recognize him?" "That's easy,
he's a midget with a speech impediment"

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget
and he gives the horse's eyes the once over "Nith eyeth, can I thee her
earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith
earzth. can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams
the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him
out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe
that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?
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    The next three are from Naughty Knickers in the Motherland who,
    incidentally, adds:

    The Warren Report sez:    ^..^< ^ Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
                          -------------------


      U.K. COMMENATOR BLOOPERS (cupla repeats here, but what the heck):

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it
was amazing!"
(Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him."
(New Zealand rugby commentator)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett)

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but
you also need white players to balance things up and give the team some
brains and common sense."
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991!)

"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again."
(Terry Venables)

"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox
of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack?  Will you stay in football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and
showing his class."
(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)
      - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -

This had most of the State of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....

A female news anchor who (the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't) turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8
inches you promised me last night?"
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                A mini-series eminating from sunny QCAT:
                          -------------------

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served
them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me
to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely
people, so if you could just put your trays up that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can
pity-pat us down onto the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess.
I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Put the
tray up, Bitch."
                              ====####====


A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar.

The set of jumper leads takes a seat at a table while the bra goes up to the
bar. The bra says to the barman, "G'day mate, 3 schooners of VB thanks."

"Sorry mate", the barman says "but I can't serve you."

"Why not?" the bra says.

"You're off your tits mate, and your friends look like they're gunna start
something."
                              ====####====


                            DOG LETTERS TO GOD

   Dear God
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where
are their priorities?

   Dear God
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

   Dear God
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for
a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice
ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy
to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

   Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he
still a bad dog?

   Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

   Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

   Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

   Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

   Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and
Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

   Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at
the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle
across the street!

   Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologise?

   Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make
up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

   Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?
                              ====####====


                              CHICKEN RECIPE

When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for those people who just
are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried
out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and
pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan in the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the
chicken's ass blows out the oven door and flies across the room, the chicken
is done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook!!
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   Here are some funny signs from Paul F, a pic from Dave - the tennis fan,
   a couple of photos from Di, a test from Margot, and other bits and pieces
   from moi.  (And how about submitting some moving pics, huh?)
                     -------------------------

                              Funny signs

   Sign #1:  Click here
   Sign #2:  Click here
   Sign #3:  Click here
   Sign #4:  Click here
   Sign #5:  Click here
   Sign #6:  Click here
   Sign #7:  Click here
   Sign #8:  Click here
   Sign #9:  Click here
   Sign #10: Click here
   Sign #11: Click here
   Sign #12: Click here
                                #  #  #  #

   Little Johnie Click here

   Ooooooooopppppss! Click here

   Walkin' with my Angel Click here

   by our own Bobby Vee Click here

   Insanity test Click here

   The Removalits Click here

   And the winner is Click here
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             The next lot came from those way out West
                          -------------------

      FROM: Newscientist. com

      WOMEN ATTRACTED TO MEN WHO SMELL LIKE DAD

   Journal reference: Nature Genetics (DOI: 10.1038/ng830) 14:49 21 January 02
   Alison Motluk

A T-shirt sniffing test has revealed that women unwittingly prefer the smell
of men who have similar genes to their dads. But this is no Freudian Oedipal
complex.

Instead, it appears to be a tactic in a poorly understood evolutionary game,
where the prize is either greater resistance to disease, or an unconscious
ability to spot distant relatives in a sea of strangers.

The genes in question form part of the major histocompatibility complex, or
MHC, and encode various components of the immune system. These genes are
thought to be tightly linked to others that dictate our natural odour.

Research on animals has shown that female mice sniff out males with
different MHCs to their own, prefering them to mates with a similar genetic
make up. Women were also thought to do the same, according to one study in
which women sniffed T-shirts worn for a couple of nights by men.
                              ====####====

                         THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT

Now a new study paints a more complicated picture. Martha McClintock, Carole
Ober and a team at the University of Chicago studied 49 women whose MHC
genes and parents' MHC genes were known. As in the earlier T-shirt study,
the women sniffed T-shirt odours, but this time they had no idea what they
were smelling. They were asked to say which odours they would prefer if they
had to smell them all the time.

Surprisingly, the women preferred the odours of men who shared the same type
of a few MHC genes, or alleles, with themselves. The most appealing odour
donors shared 1.4 alleles on average, whereas the least appealing shared 0.6
alleles. What's more, these matching alleles were ones the women had
inherited from their fathers and not from their mothers.

That goes against the prevailing theory that outbreeding is always best.
Going for a mate with different immune system genes to your own should
ensure that your children have the widest possible arsenal with which to
attack pathogens. Also, the rarer their MHC, the less likely it is that
evolving pathogens will be able to outsmart them.
                              ====####====


                            LIMITED INBREEDING

But McClintock thinks that interpretation is too narrow. Limited inbreeding
can work, as it may actually make sense to stick with combinations of genes
that are known to successfully fight disease. "There's an intermediate
number of matches that's probably optimal," she says.

Wayne Potts of the University of Utah in Salt Lake City has a different
explanation. Although mice prefer mates with different MHC genes, they go
for nest mates with a similar genetic make-up, probably to ensure they are
near their kin. Women may be attracted to their father's odours for a
similar reason - reflecting an ability to home in on relatives using smell.

For instance, he says that Ober's own studies show that women tend to marry
MHC-dissimilar men (New Scientist, 10 February 2001, p 36). "It is probably
more reliable to draw conclusions ... from marriage patterns," he comments,
"than from odour preference tests where boxes with odiferous, unknown
contents are briefly sniffed."

Journal reference: Nature Genetics (DOI: 10.1038/ng830)
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                   MICROSOFT SETTLES ANTIMONOPOLY CASE

SURPRISE SETTLEMENT EVENLY SPLITS MICROSOFT; ONE FIRM TO MAKE SOFTWARE,
OTHER TO MAKE PATCHES Decision Keeps Redmond from Monopolizing Massive
Microsoft Patch Industry

Redmond, Wash. ,In a surprise settlement today with nine U.S. states,
Microsoft agreed to be split into two independent companies, one that
will continue to make Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server
software, and another, potentially larger company that will make patches for
Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software.

Critics immediately charged that the settlement, which overrides a
previous agreement with the U.S. Department of Justice, does nothing to
diminish Microsoft's standing as the world's most powerful software company.
But industry analysts argued that providing patches for security holes in
Microsoft programs is a major, untapped growth industry, and applauded the
states for not allowing Redmond to control it.

"Just consider, Microsoft can make an operating system, such as Windows XP,
and sell 200 million copies, but each one of those copies is going to need
at least five patches to fix security holes, so that's 1 billion patches,"
said Gartner Group analyst Mitch Fershing. "That is an enormous, undeveloped
market."

Microsoft employees seem to agree, as sources in Redmond described a "mad
scramble" among staffers to position themselves for spots at the new
company, called Patchsoft. Asked why people would want to leave Microsoft
for a startup, the source said the answer was "really quite simple."

"Everyone here is asking themselves, 'Do I want to be part of the problem,
or part of the solution?'" he said.

But J. P. Morgan analyst Sherill Walk suspects another motive. "Considering
the sheer number of patches we're talking about, I think the new company
will become another monopoly, and I believe the people who've jumped ship
very well know that."

"Nonsense. It's really all about consumer choice," responded Patchsoft's new
co-CEOs, Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer.

But how will Patchsoft make money? Currently, Microsoft issues free patches
for problems in Windows XP, SQL Server, Internet Explorer, Outlook, Windows
2000, Flight Simulator, Front Page, Windows Me, Media Player, Passport, NT
Server, Windows 98, LAN Manager (for a complete list of MS software needing
patches, see www. support. microsoft. com). Under the agreement, Microsoft
will no longer issue patches, which Gates said explains the recent five-day
outage at Microsoft's upgrade site . "That was planned," he said. "It was a
test of the Microsoft No Patch Access system. Went perfectly. No one was
able to download anything."

At a press conference to outline the settlement, Connecticut Attorney
General Richard Blumenthal pledged to keep a close eye on Patchsoft to
ensure it would not overcharge for its services. He also expressed hope that
other firms would soon become Certified Microsoft Patch Developers
(CMPDs) and challenge the spin-off. Asked if Patchsoft, with so many former
Microsoft employees, will have an advantage over potential competitors in
the Microsoft patch market, Blumenthal said the settlement prohibits
collaboration.

"Patchsoft developers will not have any foreknowledge of bugs or security
holes before software is released. They'll just have to be surprised," he
said.

"So it will be just like it was when they were at Microsoft," he added.

One Reuters reporter, meanwhile, questioned the long-term viability of
Patchsoft. "This seems like a logical split right now, but what if
Microsoft's products improve to the extent that patches are needed less
frequently, or perhaps not at all?" she asked.

"I'm sorry, I can only respond to serious questions," Blumenthal answered.
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                     And finally, from Rowan Davo ...
                          -------------------

                   ACADEMIC BULLSHIT PHRASES COMPLETED ......

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you
understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases
are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE
QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it
published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results
didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this
sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ... Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE
FINDINGS"... A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were
obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE
UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it.... and I
never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it
either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic
selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS
FIELD"... I am pleased to feed you bullshit.

      - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -


     And the thought for the week comes from our Digitronics Steve:

          Q. Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

          A. Because they are ugly and they smell.

                 (BTW, Steve ... how is the loverly Maria?  Hmmmmmm???)
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[ End Fri humour ]


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