Friday humour - January 18, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

Greetings and salutations.  Firstly this week try and get your little grey
cells around this quick quiz courtesy of The Age.  Clue - The year is after
1932 ...

    Click here

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We start with a couple from Col Nexhip - the first a cute one ...

                           Warms ya heart...

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a small high
school in country NSW. The letter was sent to the principal's office after
the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit
to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it
leaves you with.

Dear School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's
luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the local County Home for the Aged.
My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a
result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your
gift especially welcome. My room mate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio
for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though
usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear it. For some
reason, she has never wanted to share it. Last Sunday morning, while
listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio
off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It was so
sad. Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she
could listen to mine. I told her to fuck off.

God bless you.

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                                Monkey Business

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on
a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go
to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches
The stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all
the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.

Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it
with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the
stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the
stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new
one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer
takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third
original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time
the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys
that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the
stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have
ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again
approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they
know that's the way it's always been done around there. And that, my
friends, is how "company policy" begins.

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      And this one from Sunny QCAT ...

                 Terminal AAADD Sound familiar?

WHAT YOU'VE GOT TOO. This is where my weekends go. At least they now have a
name for what I have. I have just been diagnosed with AAADD: Age-Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder.

Here are its symptoms. I decide to wash the car and start toward the garage
when I notice the mail on the table. I figure I might as well go through the
mail before washing the car.

I lay my keys down on the desk, sort the mail and discard the junk mail. As
I discard the junk mail, I see that the kitchen waste bin is full.

I lay the bills down on the desk and pick-up the waste bin. Then I figure,
since I'll be going near the mailbox while taking out the waste, I might as
well pay these few bills first. Now where did I put my cheque book?

Ah, there it is! Oops, there's only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in
the other room. Oh! THERE's the Coke I was drinking earlier! Hmmm... flat. I
guess I'd better take it out to the kitchen and discard it.

On the way to the kitchen, my philodendron catches my eye: it needs more
water. I pour the soda down the sink.

As I wipe a spot off the counter I see my glasses on the windowsill. It's
ABOUT TIME! I've been looking for THEM all morning!

I guess I'd better go put them away so I can find them again later. But
first I've got to water my philodendron.

Hey! What's the TV remote doing in the kitchen by the watering can? Aaagh!
I'd better put it back in the living room; we'll never think to look for it
in the kitchen tonight.

I take the remote out to the coffee table and find that the living room is a
bit untidy, so I go around arranging cushions and throw pillows. Then I'm
off down the hall, to... to... what the heck was I planning to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, the philodendron
isn't watered, the cheque-book still only has one cheque, and... I can't seem
to find my car keys! I don't seem to have got anything done today, but I
just can't figure out why because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!

I realise that this is a serious condition and that I'd better seek help ...
but first, I think I'll check my E-mail.

Do you suffer in the same way?

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                         Preview:  Mills and Boon

  Definitely a girl's joke!  You girls will like this.  Have any of you
  experienced this sensation ... ?

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,
she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome
stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely grey eyes on
hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her,
hypnotising her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her
from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his
foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly but tenderly guided her
through new territory, boldly taking her to heights she never dared to dream
of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every
need. Her senses swam.

She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so
long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused,
and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! --It will
never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been
made only for her.

As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears
of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she
returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again
and again and again..........


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         A quartet from UK Knickers:

                           EU Directive 456179

In order to meet the conditions for the launch of the single European
currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern
Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a penny" is not to be
used after 31st December 2001. From this date, the correct terminology will
be: "Euronating".

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A police sergeant was walking his beat in Glasgow when he met the Gents Public
Toilet cleaner outside the Public Toilet in Buchanan Street. He asked how
life was.

The cleaner replied "Bloody awful! - this week on Monday I found guys sniffing
glue in the toilet, on Tuesday I saw some guys smoking cannabis and on
Wednesday there were people shooting heroin. In fact it's a breath of fresh air
when someone comes in for a shit!"

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           The difference between potentiality and reality.

A chap asks his wife if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for $50,000 and she
says yes.

So he asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for $50,000. She
replies "Make it 100,000$ and I'll do it".

Potentially he's sitting on $150,000 but in reality he's living with two tarts!

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An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman go into a pub and try to order a
drink, but they've all got stutters, and can't get their words out. After
some time, the landlady says, I'll tell you what, I'll sleep with the man
who can tell me where he comes from in less than one second.

The Scotsman tries it, can't do anything but stutter The Englishman tries it,
can't do anything but stutter

Finally, the Irishman says very quickly "LONDON", and so the pub is in
uproar, and the landlady leads him upstairs, as he's still stuttering away,
she takes her top off, and he's stuttering..... d, d, d, d, d, d,, dd, d, d,
d,, d she takes her skirt off, and he's stuttering ..... d, d, d, d, d, d,
d, d, d Finally, as she pulls him on top of her..... he shouts out "DERRY"

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              From Highett Dave:

                          Viagra advertising

The boss called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly
stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the
benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting
was to have a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising slogans."
Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had to use past ad
slogans that captured the essence of Viagra.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a "Top
Ten List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went
very well for everyone.

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9.  Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8.  Viagra, Like a rock!
7.  Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6.  Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5.  Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4.  Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].
3.  Viagra, Tastes great!........  More filling!
2.  Viagra, We bring good things to life! And the unanimous number one slogan:
1.  This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

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                             MEMO TO ALL STAFF

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in
US since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put
workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known
as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the
SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants of Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity
Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of
SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough
SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been
trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.


      The Management

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                                 Hung Chow

Hung Chow: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache,
stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel like
this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better
and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great,
I be at work soon.  Oh, by the way ... you got nice house."

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   The non-ascii stuff this week comes from Di, Digital Steve, Rosalie, Lisa,
   Qcat and you know who you are - thanks a bunch ...

Happy Harry Click here

Choose your carrier Click here

Assistance required Click here

Saving time Click here

A dog's life Click here

Dinner time Click here

Still hungry Click here

Anyone for coffee? Click here

Tidy up Click here

Keep your hair in Click here

Tidy up Click here

Bits and pieces Click here

The year according to NBC Click here

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   This submission came from what is CSIRO's usually serious Forum list:

 From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that
 English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign
 a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

 The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE-male, because even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS-female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TYRE-male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a
fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES-female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE-female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE-male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER-female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because
it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed.
Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS-male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see
right through them.

SUBWAY-male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS-female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER-male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but
it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL-female... Ha!... you thought I'd say male. But consider, it
gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always
know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

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     This one's from Rosalie and Sarah ...

            The Lord of the Rings: an allegory of the PhD?

The story starts with Frodo: a young hobbit, quite bright, a bit dissatisfied
with what he's learnt so far and with his mates back home who just seem to want
to get jobs and settle down and drink beer. He's also very much in awe of his
tutor and mentor, the very senior professor Gandalf, so when Gandalf suggests
he take on a short project for him (carrying the Ring to Rivendell), he agrees.

Frodo very quickly encounters the shadowy forces of fear and despair which
will haunt the rest of his journey and leave permanent scars on his psyche,
but he also makes some useful friends. In particular, he spends an evening
down at the pub with Aragorn, who has been wandering the world for many years
as Gandalf's postdoc and becomes his adviser when Gandalf isn't around.

After Frodo has completed his first project, Gandalf (along with head of
department Elrond) proposes that the work should be extended. He assembles a
large research group, including visiting students Gimli and Legolas, the foreign
postdoc Boromir, and several of Frodo's own friends from his undergraduate days.

Frodo agrees to tackle this larger project, though he has mixed feelings
about it. ("'I will take the Ring', he said,'although I do not know why.'")
Very rapidly, things go wrong. First, Gandalf disappears and has no more
interaction with Frodo until everything is over. (Frodo assumes his supervisor
is dead: in fact, he's simply found a more interesting topic and is working
on that instead.)

At his first international conference in Lorien, Frodo is cross-examined
terrifyingly by Galadriel, and betrayed by Boromir, who is anxious to get
the credit for the work himself. Frodo cuts himself off from the rest of his
team: from now on, he will only discuss his work with Sam, an old friend who
doesn't really understand what it's all about, but in any case is prepared
to give Frodo credit for being rather cleverer than he is.

Then he sets out towards Mordor. The last and darkest period of Frodo's journey
clearly represents the writing-up stage, as he struggles towards Mount Doom
(submission),finding his burden growing heavier and heavier yet more and more
a part of himself; more and more terrified of failure; plagued by the figure of
Gollum, the student who carried the Ring before him but never wrote up and still
hangs around as a burnt-out, jealous shadow; talking less and less even to Sam.

When he submits the Ring to the fire, it is in desperate confusion rather
than with confidence, and for a while the world seems empty. Eventually it
is over: the Ring is gone, everyone congratulates him, and for a few days he
can convince himself that his troubles are over.

But there is one more obstacle to overcome: months later, back in the Shire,
he must confront the external examiner Saruman, an old enemy of Gandalf,
who seeks to humiliate and destroy his rival's protege. With the help of his
friends and colleagues, Frodo passes through this ordeal, but discovers at
the end that victory has no value left for him. While his friends return to
settling down and finding jobs and starting families, Frodo remains in limbo;
finally, along with Gandalf, Elrond and many others, he joins the brain drain
across the Western ocean to the new land beyond.

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Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were
talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my PC, I told
him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows 95 CD.

To my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned
it on. I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said:
'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'

After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close
look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become
thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on
the inner edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, in lines finer than
anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright,
and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:


'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said.

'No,' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the
language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common
English this is what it says:' One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

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     And finally, from Mad Mick of Marwick:


Four people were bragging about how smart their cats are.

The first was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third was a Chemist,
the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart, but the Accountant said his cat could
do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good, but the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked
over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the
cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government
Worker and said, "What can your cat do?".

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on
the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while
doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for
Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[Note - Mick wrote: "Hi Ozzies, A catty joke sent to me by another Cllr. Oh
bugger, I think I'm a government worker cat!"]

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Quote or the Week:

   When Moses pulled off his feat of parting the Red Sea, his assistant
   (his son Ezekiel) said "he's been practising that at training".
   And when the waters dramatically parted, Ezekiel cried: "wo-ho-ho-ho-ho!"

                                  Guru Bob (One of the Coodabeen Champions)

[ End Fri humour ]

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