Friday humour - January 11, 2002

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

Yo - Happy New Year!  Not many have returned to work and Tony has now gone
off on a well earned break.  We are desperately short of contributions.  So
please send something Tony's or my way ...   Otherwise this feature may
become "Friday Joke".

Best wishes to Annie Porter who is currently in Sydney supposedly to
attend a wedding but we in the know appreciate that this is where JJJ
radio eminates from.  She may be attending an interview by Aunty ABC as
we speak.  We only trust she hasn't burnt to the ground.

Apparently QCAT is still (just) managing to go on without her but can't
wait to get her back - even if JJJ is piped over the PA system - softly of
course.

Firstly this is a hug from Little Di: Click here *

[ * Editorial note: If you're using Netscape and your screen just fills with
  gibberish, briefly risk another brand of browser such as MS Internet Exploder,
  or just skip this one.  It's in a highly proprietary MacroMedia format which
  often causes problems ]

And for those trivia buffs here is this weeks The Age 60 second "What Year
Was That?" quiz: Click here

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   First up in the humour dept, a collection from the guys in Sunny Brisbane:

Two couples, who were long time friends, were sitting around one evening
kind of bored and thinking of what to do, when one of the wives suggested
that they switch partners for the night. Everyone agreed! They split up and
off they went with their new partner for the night.

Later that night, the wife who made the suggestion sat up in bed and turned
to her new partner and said, "My God! That was just wonderful, I had no
idea! We should have done this long ago! I wonder how the boys are doing?"

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Q: What's the definition of bad luck?

A: Sitting in Afghanistan holding your return ticket with Ansett, your
travel insurance through HIH, trying to call out on your One Tel mobile and
the only transport you can afford is a dodgy boat trip via Indonesia ...
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                          New Year's Resolutions

Resolution #1
1999: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2000: I will not leave Marge.
2001: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2002: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2
1999: I will stop looking at other women.
2000: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2001: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2002: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3
1999: I will not let my boss push me around.
2000: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2001: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2002: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4
1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2001: I will read 5 books a year.
2002: I will finish Space.

Resolution #5
1999: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my
baldness.
2000: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.
2001: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
2002: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6
1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7
1999: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2000: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2001: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2002: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8
1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by January of
2002.

Resolution #9
1999: I will see my dentist this year.
2000: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2001: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2002: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10
1999: I will go to church every Sunday.
2000: I will go to church as often as possible.
2001: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2002: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.


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                Now for a contribution from the Wild West:

A man is driving along State Highway 2 near Eketahuna and sees a rabbit jump
across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but
unfortunately, the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a
sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The
driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the
side of a road and pulls over. Stepping out of the car, she asks the man
what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains. "I accidentally hit this
rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs back to her
car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the
road. A couple of metres away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves
again. It hops down the road another couple of metres, turns and waves. Hops
some more, turns and waves, and repeats this again, and again, and again,
until it's out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman's car. "What's in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It
says...

It says:  "Hair Spray - restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

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              And one from Delish Lish:

                       SILLY BUT INTERESTING STUFF

1. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.

2. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

3. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

4. A shrimp's heart is in their head.

5. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're
   heart stops for a mili-second.

6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one
   reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand or
   attempted to do so).

7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti
   especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta
   swastikas.

10. By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary
    school.

11. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend
    two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

12. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a
    telephone call.

13. Rats and horses can't vomit.

14. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
    tongue twister in the English language.

15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a
    sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you
    keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.

16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a
    million descendants.

17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your
    ear by 700 times.

18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14,
    Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16,
    1969, make it illegal for U. S. citizens to have any contact with
    extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

19. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

20. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
    already married.

22. A duck's quack doesn't't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.

23. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on
    them and photocopying their buttocks.

24. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat
    70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

25. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

26. Cat's urine glows under a black light.

27. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

28. All cows walk with there left foot first and so do polar bears.

         And how many of you tried to lick your elbow, hmmmmmm???
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Now some graphics brought to you courtesy of yours truly and David of
   Highett fame:

   This photo was in The Age yesterday.

   HARD TO PLEASE
   A great idea, but no seal of approval

   No expense was spared when the Victorian Government decided to design and
   build a palatial new platform for Port Phillip Bay's fur seals. Just one
   problem: the seals won't go near it.

   Dyson has a cartoon sketch of the photo with one of the seals saying ...

"Bloody Developers" Click here

The Venturer Scouts hit the Torquay beach Click here

Flying High Click here

Hot out of the blocks Click here

Understanding computers Click here

Ouch! Click here

Belated Christmas Santa Click here
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      This Canberra Times article arrived from Kevin in Arizona:

                     A Serious Scientific Enquiry

"It all started with an enquiry from a nurse," Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki told
listeners to his science phone-in show on the Triple J radio station in
Brisbane. "She wanted to know whether she was contaminating the operating
theatre she worked in by quietly farting in the sterile environment during
operations, and I realised that I didn't know. But I was determined to find
out."

Dr. Kruszelnicki then described the method by which he had established
whether human flatus was germ-laden, or merely malodorous. "I contacted Luke
Tennent, a microbiologist in Canberra, and together we devised an
experiment. He asked a colleague to break wind directly onto two Petri
dishes from a distance of five centimetres, first fully clothed, then with
his trousers down. Then he observed what happened. Overnight, the second
Petri dish sprouted visible lumps of two types of bacteria that are usually
only found in the gut and on the skin. But the flatus which had passed
through clothing caused no bacteria to sprout, which suggests that clothing
acts as a filter.

"Our deduction is that the enteric zone in the second Petri dish was caused
by the flatus itself, and the splatter ring around that was caused by the
sheer velocity of the fart, which blew skin bacteria from the cheeks and
blasted it onto the dish. It seems, therefore, that flatus can cause
infection if the emitter is naked, but not if he or she is clothed. But the
results of the experiment should not be considered alarming, because neither
type of bacterium is harmful. In fact, they're similar to the 'friendly'
bacteria found in yoghurt.

"Our final conclusion? Don't fart naked near food. Alright, it's not rocket
science. But then again, maybe it is?"

   (Source: Canberra Times, 17/7/01.)

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    And the last series of jokes are from Highett Dave - what would we do
    without you, Dave?  (A lot more work probably ...)


Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on
the long corridors. Because the dear old woman is a sandwich short of a
picnic, the other residents humour her and some actually join in. One day,
Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky

Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he commanded. "Have
you got a licence for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held
it up to him.

"Okay," he said, and Ethel sped away down the hall. As she took the corner
near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and
shouted, "Stop! Have you got your rego papers?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a prescription and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel headed down the corridor
to the front door, Craggy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked,
holding a very sizeable erection and order her to stop.

"Oh, no," said Ethel. "Not the breathalyser again!"

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                       The Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a
sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half
discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the
fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries
with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may
have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and
desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war
and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet
and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps
people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a
glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but
there's no way you're going to go there.

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                             Blonde Deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum
deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff
from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it
comes in?"

"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it
and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the
container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

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                    Quote of the Week ...

  "The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are
   always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."

                                                        - Bertrand Russell
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[ End Fri humour ]


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