Friday humour - January 04, 2002

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Davo and I were both having a rest from our respective computers last
    week (Friday Dec 29 2001, that is), so there was no humour posting for
    that week.

    In fact, even now there's only a skeleton staff back at our workplace,
    so I'll make this weeks lot a bit shorter than usual.

    I'll indulge myself initially and include some more sanity in the form
    of Steven Wright one-liners ...

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

What do batteries run on?

Are there any questions?

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of
sponges.  I remember one time when I wore it.  When I got out of the swimming
pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I like candy canes; they're my favourite candy.  But I only like the white part.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head.  Hope it's not hereditary.

My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in
front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...  Boy, were they mad!

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm
in a submarine that's been hit.

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you
swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?"
"Yes, you're ugly.  See that women in the jury?  I'd really like to sleep with
her.  Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.  I sold a #3 for $28.

I bought a cheap piece of land.  It was on someone else's property.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears.
I think George is weird, because he has false teeth with braces on them.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge or in a tunnel
you can't hear him.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step?  I'm like that all the time.

      This next one floated over from Lachlan of Cranswick (he's still
      working out of London):

                                 HUNTING ELEPHANTS

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that
is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and
leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their
graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:

1.  Go to Africa
2.  Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3.  Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately
    East and West.
4.  During each traverse
a.  Catch each animal seen
b.  Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
c.  Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant
in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random,
and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of
any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid
enough they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, but they can be hired by the hour to advise
those who do.  Operations research consultants can measure the correlation of
hat size and bullet colour to the efficiency of elephant hunting strategies,
if someone else will identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch
with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about
who owns the droppings.  Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire
herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his staff will try to
ensure that all elephants are completely prehunted before he sees them.  If the
VP sees a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will:

  (1) Compliment the vice president's keen eyesight, and

  (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption that
elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the
other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants
they haven't caught for delivery two days before the season opens.

Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice
for an elephant.

Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as "desktop

        And one from our own Trina ("Another one for the women!"):

                                   THE RULES

1.  The Female always makes THE RULES.

2.  THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3.  No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4.  If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately
    change some of THE RULES.

5.  The Female is never wrong.

6.  If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
    misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7.  If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologise immediately for causing the

8.  The Female can change her mind at any time.

9.  The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent
    of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to
    be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she
    wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the
    heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must
    cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

     Okay - cupla pics for the week.  First couple are from Steve Kero:

 Autumn Fashions: Click here
 RIP: Click here

     This one was passed on by Maddus Mickus (and "Danger Will Robinson" ...
     it is slightly lewd - as Terry Lane is wont to say):

 Viva la difference: Click here

     And one more - an MPEG passed on by our own Jonian:

 Drat: Click here

        From our Westerly list now - cupla true stories in the genre of
        CURL UP DIE:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

  Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

                                  PAD, PLEASE!

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance.  He
was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best
I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad.  He came back
and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

  Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC

      Steve [redacted] passed on three more Darwin Award nominees for your
      amusement ("Darwin awards honour the remains of those who gave their
      lives in a single-minded effort to improve our gene pool"):

         LOBSTER VASECTOMY -- 2000 Darwin Award Nominee (Unconfirmed)

(2000, England) This tale proves that crime does pay, if you're fishing for
elective surgery to go along with your stolen goods.  A 24-year-old supermarket
shoplifter stuffed five lobsters in his pants and sprinted for the door, but he
never had a chance.  The violated crustaceans brought the thief to his knees in
front of startled cashiers when they fastened their powerful claws around his
delicate parts.

Doctors were able to remove the animals with pliers.  They say the thief will
fully recover -- except for one small detail:
"It was a do-it-yourself vasectomy."

This man's daring supermarket exploits make him one of the few Darwin Award
winners to live to tell the tale.  The supermarket manager declined to press
charges, saying the culprit has "already gone through enough pain (to) learn
his lesson."

             SHEEP SLEEP -- 2001 Darwin Award Nominee (Confirmed)

(9 March 2001, Cairo) Police were baffled to discover a 20-year-old Bedouin
shepherd shot dead in the middle of the desert.  No one else was around,
and no footprints led to or from the scene of the crime.

Investigators from Sidi Barrani sifted through the meagre clues surrounding
Mochtar's death, and soon fingered the culprit.  The Egyptian man had fallen
asleep amid his sheep without securing his rifle.  One moment of neglect,
one woolly misstep on the trigger, and a speeding slug sentenced the sleeping
shepherd to his final slumber.

The unregistered weapon was confiscated from the flock.

The murderous sheep has been sentenced to ewethanasia.

              TOILET TRAP -- 2001 Honourable Mention (Unconfirmed)
                    "Man held hostage by portable toilet."

(31 January 2001, Pennsylvania) A Huntingdon Valley man who dropped his keys
in a portable toilet became stuck in the facilities while trying to rescue
them.  He hollered for help for 45 minutes, and eventually children playing in
a nearby field heard his cries and alerted their parents.

Police were forced to demolish the portable toilet to extricate the man,
who had been standing in the redolent muck without his shoes or pants for
an hour and a half.  Doctors treated him for cuts and bruises, and removed
the toilet seat wedged around his hips.

We speculate that his ego may never recover its original size.

     And finally, a few more one-liners from Mad Mick from Markwick (UK):

* Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

* Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

* Forget the health food.  I need all the preservatives I can get.

* You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what
  else you can do while you're down there.

* You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
  you once got from a roller coaster.

* One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of chocolates can make a
  person gain five pounds.

* Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'till the thought goes away.

* God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.  Right now I am
  so far behind, I will live forever.

* I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

* Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

* Age doesn't always bring wisdom.  Sometimes age comes alone.

* Amazing!  You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks
  two sizes.

* Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can
  usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
[ End Fri humour ]

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